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General Interest > Philosophy, Sociology & Psychology
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I have been diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder
    #24768088 -

And it kind of makes sense in hindsight

Started with having a euphoric manic episode for a few months last year.

Then sunk to the loneliest and most depressive day I've ever had that was followed by a year of darkness. Felt like life and death type of shit.

Art helped me.

Had the craziest delusional thoughts at some points.

Felt so fuckn out of touch and no one seemed to understand, or were just fucking assholes in relation to my behavior. I didn't know what was going on. Thought everyone was out to get me. Talking about irl now.

Just talked to the psychiatrist. Thought my shit was pretty normal, apparently not.

Told one friend, hope he doesn't tell all my other friends. They haven't been too sympathetic the past year.

People always told me I was crazy, especially in university living in the hostel. Although I was acting a bit crazy and obsessive over a lot of things.

I can see what I did now, and why it seemed weird.

Does anyone here have experience with this shit?

I smoked pot max 5-10 times this year.

Haven't tripped in over a year as well.

So it's not drugs, I think.

But, yeah, everyone seems a little crazy...

I'm just sick of feeling shit all the time, and no perspective I adopted or philosophy I tried to conjure made me feel better. No matter how hard I tried making it. Would dip into better moods, but would instantly be catapulted back .

So maybe I'll try the medicine and see what happens. It's easy saying the mental health people are trying to fuck you over, but the more I think about it, the less I really care about that being an actual thing people would want to do. Fucking tired of all this conspiracy shit as well.

Probably the times we are living in as well. So many factors and considerations, I think though. It's weird feeling like no desire, man. Really sucks actually.

And it's kind of scary, since my observations of what goes on inside me seem sane, but the feelings and thoughts don't stop.

Edited by remake (11/08/17 03:44 AM)

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Re: I have been diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder [Re: remake] * 1
    #24768192 -

My first long term GF was bipolar and lithium seemed to really help her at the time, without zombifying her. She got heavy into drugs later though and it sent her spiralling out of control until she eventually took her own life - so definitely watch that shit man.

Not sure what they might prescribe but I know you well enough by now to know that you'll do your research before taking it. Sounds like a good thing that you've at least identified it so you can work on stabilising yourself.

Good luck brother, and thanks for sharing with us! Do you feel like it's something that's only emerged recently in your life or do you think it's been in the background for a while?


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe

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Re: I have been diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder [Re: remake] * 1
    #24768202 -

I thought I had bipolar 2 for months, I used to be somewhat emotionally volatile or hypermanic at times. I went to a psychologist and they pretty much said bipolar 2 was the go.

I even cried after the first time they said that. I went a while just trying to accept it and move on however I could. Soon after that my first long term relationship ended and I started to become less and less 'emotionally harsh' and eventually I realised one of my greatest issues was that I was being emotionally abused in the sense that I was being lied to for years by my partner. I had unwittingly been in an open relationship for some time and had decided throughout it to follow what I would now call blind love over my own intuition.

After a few months of emotionally sobering up I went to a psychiatrist to talk a little more about it and to get a more professional opinion and it ended up with them saying that in order to have a disorder you need to be disordered and apparently I was not that. Sure I had my moments of being on the roller coaster of life but that didn't mean I had a disorder. And since then I haven't really thought of myself as having any sort of ailment other than being human.

I don't know if this helps you or if you can relate but it's something I went through and still deal with to this day. I think my greatest issue at this point in my life may be that I often rely on drugs to make myself more easily entertained, it's not that they make life more interesting but that they make me more easily entertained. Nowadays I'm just trying to better spend my time by investing it in somewhat constructive things when possible, but the hardest part about it may be just turning up to the places I want to go. Like if I want to go swimming then the hardest part about it is turning up to the pool. Or if I want to go workout in a park the tough part seems to be just getting there, but when I'm there things flow pretty well.

Find you way I guess, it's a rubble filled road in my experience.


--------------------
I am whatever Darwin needs me to be.


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Re: I have been diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder [Re: sudly]
    #24768255 -

Yeah that's the thing I think it has a lot to do with my insecurities as well. Stupid shit I can't seem to get over. And I feel like I've been emotionally abused at times as well.

My afrikaner culture can be pretty depressing if you choose not to identify with some of these fuckers.

Getting "there", wherever it is, does seem to be one of my fears/obstacles.

At some point though I noticed my thought loops or observations really, really weren't in sync with other people's feelings/observations.

When I broke down last year I was convinced everyone was feeling what I was feeling, and hugged and cried in front everyone I was in contact with, but that backfired horribly and only fuelled my isolation.

Everyone was like, "I don't feel this way." and looked at me strange.

I was a pretty isolated child growing up, despite having quite a number of friends.

My parents aren't cruel. Very caring, but recently I started seeing that I was "alone" in this state I've been in. It would seem they don't/didn't understand.

I just thought no one wanted to talk about it. And figured, "this is life". And some people just deal with the thoughts/feelings I have better. It's probably true in some way, but it really got strange to me that no one talked about feeling like "this".

I would have creative interests but this would be due to cultivating the "darkness" in a way.

Getting trapped in fantasy and looking to the outside with nothing really moving for so long.

Everything I took very serious and meticulous. Would joke about stuff, but remained very intensely fixated on certain things. Really experiencing the extreme polarities of things day in and out. 

Shit got intensified with work/school.

All of this sounds "normal" but that seems to be one of the traps, I guess.

Talking about it helps, kept everything inside, since I thought I was weak.

Don't think it's that detrimental, would just like to have some form of clarity again. The last few months really seemed like it was something physical, and not psychological anymore.

I started going to the gym again recently. Probably have to balance myself out in that way too, for sure.

Feels like I blasted myself open and spilled myself accross the world. Fucking don't know what's up with that!

Edited by remake (11/08/17 06:55 AM)

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Re: I have been diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder [Re: remake]
    #24768469 -

My mind is like scrambled eggs.

Should try to meditate I guess.

Can't really say it's anxiety, I don't know what's going on sometimes.

Think I might be good for creative things. Not so much advice on things.

Feels like I'm doing so many things at once, but then when I look again, I'm not doing anything at all.

Might be making myself crazy, right now.

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Re: I have been diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder [Re: remake]
    #24769307 -

I don't like your psychiatrist
you did good work with your art, and finding a shrink is work too.
Many are not worth their diplomas, damn.


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:brainfart: _ :finger:

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Re: I have been diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder [Re: redgreenvines]
    #24769316 -

Sometimes I wonder if I am bipolar but the test results don’t seem to corroborate it


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As lightless oblivion devours you, drown in the ever-blooming darkness.

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Re: I have been diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder [Re: remake] * 1
    #24770533 -

You might enjoy the book "You Are Not Your Brain", written by two neuroscience experts.

It details the mechanisms of deceptive irrational brain messages, and developing self-directed neuroplasticity. 

As someone who once spent a year homeless, in massive emotional turmoil, I understand how difficult it can be.

Take care of yourself.

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Re: I have been diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder [Re: Thanatos10]
    #24770634 -

Thanatos10 said:
Sometimes I wonder if I am bipolar but the test results don’t seem to corroborate it


I am no psychiatrist, but what you are seems more solidly constructed than a person with a mental or emotional disability.
You seem in great health with very few satisfying challenges and a very strong penetrating mind.
What is a bit typical for the Bipolar type is that you are disinclined to go beyond the familiar and will waste days in repetition. I see this happening a lot when bright young people are locked away in their apartments with their toys.


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:brainfart: _ :finger:

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Re: I have been diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder [Re: redgreenvines]
    #24772262 -

1) folks on the internet cannot diagnose

2) it is irresponsible to expect them to

3) not taking meds that cure the depression aspect of bipolar would seem foolish. The highs also lead to all kinds of misperceptions, and eventually fizzle out.

4) if unsure see another professional and get a second medical opinion

5) like they say, "Denial is not a river in Egypt."

6) I know someone who was in denial for decades and it contributed to a very fucked up life, with much unnecessary suffering that also affected many others.

7) Good luck, effective treatment exists.

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Re: I have been diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder [Re: laughingdog]
    #24772354 -

DEFINITELY GET A SECOND OPINION


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:brainfart: _ :finger:

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Re: I have been diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder [Re: redgreenvines] * 1
    #24772704 -

In my life, "professionals" and "specialists" consistently told me I needed medication.

I had to explore other sources to discover my disturbances weren't abnormal.

Just be very wary of being medically "diagnosed" after conversations with someone.

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Re: I have been diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder [Re: redgreenvines]
    #24772714 -

redgreenvines said:
Thanatos10 said:
Sometimes I wonder if I am bipolar but the test results don’t seem to corroborate it


I am no psychiatrist, but what you are seems more solidly constructed than a person with a mental or emotional disability.
You seem in great health with very few satisfying challenges and a very strong penetrating mind.
What is a bit typical for the Bipolar type is that you are disinclined to go beyond the familiar and will waste days in repetition. I see this happening a lot when bright young people are locked away in their apartments with their toys.


Strong mind is a false assessment.

And the second half describes me pretty well.


--------------------
As lightless oblivion devours you, drown in the ever-blooming darkness.

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Re: I have been diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder [Re: Thanatos10]
    #24772763 -

Certainly a mistake we seem to make is that our inner experience is necessarily identical to someone else's.

Psychiatrists studied, got their degrees, etc.

They are not "jokers".

I'd like to see someone here perform dentistry on their own teeth, or sow a gaping wound in their thigh.

I'm a layman concerning these things and certainly am not mistaken or misinterpreting my current state.

I have had a serious realisation that we do not understand each others internal states as we would like to think we do conversing like this in our shared external world.

Common ground can be reached, but when this is impossible, or unclear how to get there, I do think there is something that needs to be looked at. And I did.

I went to a psychologist first, and was later told that I might have to go see a psychiatrist. This particular psychiatrist knows our family well, even gave me a free consultation.

I'm not okay with feeling sad all the time. I'm not okay with feeling no pleasure or desire, or thinking about death all the time. I'm also not okay with having crazy hopes and fantasies. I'd like to come back to earth.

Anyway, thanks guys. :heart:

Edited by remake (11/10/17 12:35 AM)

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Re: I have been diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder [Re: remake]
    #24772801 -

Sorry if I appear defensive. It's just, I've been struggling to find a grip on things and concentrating for a long time. This then spirals out into fantasies, and me trying to conjure a personality that suits my delusions/fantasies. All the while disregarding a large part of what is appearing in front of me.

So it's just those tendencies of mine I'd like to sort out.

I started this post with other delusions in mind as well. So I don't feel so grounded at the moment itself.

Existence is pretty crazy, but I want to be done with religion/spirituality and existentialism. I want to live, laugh and love. Like that shit people put up on their walls.

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Re: I have been diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder [Re: remake] * 1
    #24772806 -

if you get medication
you can always chose to go off it later

you need to do your own research
and evaluate your docs.
and work with one you trust

continuing to post here
is most likely avoidance

of course it's scary
but so is doing nothing
and expecting
some solution from a message board
for a serious personal mental life issue

someone else's story
that gets posted here has nothing to do with your biochemistry

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Re: I have been diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder [Re: remake] * 1
    #24772889 -

Quote:
FranniePilgrim said: conjure a personality


That's something I stopped trying to conjure long ago, the only idea of personality I had was the mental image of some lad in a lab coat with a skateboard in his arm, nowadays it'd probably still be that but on a scooter, got me far enough eh.

This is something on the flow of immediate action, I guess it means something along the lines of do be doing. 

Quote:
The basic idea of Merleau-Ponty is that we are always moving to get an optimal grip.

Even in perception, just in perceiving a table, if you were up really close you would sense that it's not the way to see it in its best to get a grip. If you get too close there are too many details, and if you get too far away you lose the details. In a museum your body is just led by a picture to move to the optimal distance where you see the maximum richness as he puts it of the detail and maximum clarity of the form period.

When you perceive ordinary objects you move around them, and you are led by the object calling on your body. It's just outside of what your mind does and could do, your body calls you to get in the best relation to see it, if you're looking at a house from the front you sense that you could see it better if you could also see the back.

Normativity that is better and worse goes down to the bottom of our experience, it's in our perception of objects. When you're skillfully coping in flow without thinking, without rules, your body and its skills is drawing you to get this optimal grip on the situation, and the situation is always completely concrete, it's something you've never been in before and the other people have never been in before and you'll never be in it again because having been in it this time has changed you, but out of that, Aristotle says, if you keep acting and getting experiences and making mistakes and learning you will finally become a phronesis, a person of practical wisdom and you will do the appropriate thing at the appropriate time in the appropriate way, and that's mastery, the highest thing you can get.

Everybody has their own job, Ponty goes on to ground expertise in every day skillful action and everyday perception. On the other end, talking about mastery, and how you can become a person of practical wisdom, someone who changes the world by not just responding in an original way to the situation but responding in a way that changes peoples perception of the situation, that's the highest thing you can do according to Heidegger.

- Hubert Dreyfus



--------------------
I am whatever Darwin needs me to be.


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Re: I have been diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder [Re: sudly] * 1
    #24772962 -

OK so life is a journey, and some psychiatrist(s are(is)) now involved.
The analogy with dentists is apt, those that graduate can practice, but some are good and others are not.

Today's fashionable dental treatments include implants; we used to get mercury fillings, I prefer gold, but also I have allowed  some of my most bothersome teeth be missing.

put in psychiatric terms, choose your treatment on what you need, not by what looks normal, but what you can live with.


--------------------
:brainfart: _ :finger:

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Re: I have been diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder [Re: redgreenvines]
    #24772982 -

That analogy sucked, I guess.

Want to feel fine, and not as if I'm dying.

I started taking some of the medication yesterday.

Edited by remake (11/10/17 06:46 AM)

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Re: I have been diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder [Re: remake] * 1
    #24773029 -

If you need to get grounded mate, I'd recommend taking some barefoot walks or tending to a garden. Play some touch rugby or cricket. It sounds cheesy but close contact with the physical, material world really is the antidote to having compulsive thoughts about metaphysical topics.

The word of the psychiatrist isn't the word of God, but then neither is the word of some pleb on the Internet. At the end of the day you know you, and only you really can.


--------------------
"They consider me insane but I know that I am a hero living under the eyes of the gods."

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