Syrian Rue meets Teonanacatl under a full moon: bit by the cosmic Serpent
this occurred just a week ago:
boiled several inches of water
→ added 5g of rue
→ reduced 2x thru 2 coffee filters at once each time
→ made 1 gulp of rue brew
drank rue brew @ 18:22
→ then packed relics & supplies
→ squeezed several oranges to make orange juice
→ walked down driveway into woods, sat on moss at edge of driveway, near Swifts' pond
→ smudged the area, myself, & the packed bong thoroughly and with some chants of “Om”
ate mushrooms @ ~19:00, right at moonrise
→ had fasted 6.5hr before ingesting mushrooms – too long for how much activity I sustained that day
diet consisted of:
→ slightly old grapes
→ oatmeal + slightly old almond milk + honey + ½ banana
→ drank fresh-squeezed orange juice w/ mushrooms
→ raspberries + granola + almond milk (@ 2:42, after trip)
trip lasted from ~19:20 - ~2:40, almost 7.5hr(!) from 3g mushrooms + 5g rue brew
experience:
I began meditating by candlelight after I ate the mushrooms. I could very much feel the effects hit my stomach first, then roughly 10min later my jaw, then shortly after that my head. Unfortunately, I was ignorant enough to be meditating on an uneven surface...I learned my lesson. I felt I was getting deeper and deeper into my own internal dialog, and I couldn't exhale elusively deep. I couldn't let go fully. I took a break at 20:00 to smoke bud. I took 1 bong rip then continued meditating. Mom (who knew what I was doing – mistake?) walked by twice on a full moon walk, not exactly settling. By 21:21 I was sick of the uneven surface throwing off my posture and making my meditation uncomfortable. I was sick of the barking dogs as well. I heard a Terence McKenna quote earlier in my head about how you shouldn't change the plan during a trip. My plan had been to sit there 'til midnight at least. Fuck it, I'd just go inside, slip past Mom, lie down in my bed, listen to tunes, and pass out after a bit, I thought...
As I took 2 more bong rips and headed home without a flashlight I became aware of my energy feeling real weird. The full moon and barking dogs didn't help. I was now afraid I took too much. As I spacily blundered up the hill I had the most vivid tactile hallucination that a snake bit my ankle as I stepped on it. Immediately I got the message “this time you're in for it.” Right before the snake bit me I swear I heard a phone ring and I actually answered, “Hello?” Inaudibly, of course. Luckily, no one answered in words...
I made it home into some light and checked my leg for any bite marks. None. But I quickly became aware of many kaleidoscopic distortions in my vision. I was really fucked up. I walked inside without hesitation and told Mom I was lying down. As I laid in bed I had an intense vision of a dozen snakes slithering in a tight circle, tails out, all facing inward, highly charged with reptile interest. It felt cosmically symbolic and I knew I was in trouble at this point. I noticed that my breath had changed taste and it felt like an infection had begun growing in my throat. I felt cold, and deep fear, like an alarm was going off in my head and cells. I realized I hadn't eaten in at least 9 hours! My body felt panicky. My heart beat faster. I feared the smell of me was attracting Death, that that must be how it works. I told Mom I was in a hell realm and that I was doing awful but shouldn't communicate. I practically begged her to make me some oatmeal, which she gladly did. I became afraid that I now had a very limited numbers of moves before I actually dropped dead! I realized that my cells were in mutiny and were going to cause the ego death I'd always wanted for me starving them but, horrifyingly, paradoxically, I knew I couldn't possibly distinguish between ego death and real death at this point. I was horrified at the thought that I'd die and become a ghost haunting the house forever due to an inability to move on from that particular death. Mom and Dad would move and I'd be left rotting in a purgatory/hell so far from any ideal future.
Now I was in hell. Shamefully, I whined to Mom but couldn't string words or phrases together well. She was real worried. She gave me a metallic, smooth stone that had been “charging” in the moonlight that was supposed to protect against evil, she said. I hardly managed to eat any oatmeal but I did drink water. Then, amidst this hell, I realized I had to piss. Dad was now home(!) and I stumbled to the edge of the stairs and sat down atop them. Dad could tell something was up and asked if I'd come help him outside. I told him, concisely, “Nope.” He asked why and I responded, “Death.” He laughed. I mumbled to myself a little about the horrors of this hellish fear then eventually got up and slowly made my way down the stairs to the basement living room. Dad followed me down, noticed my strange behavior, and, eying me sharply, told me to sit on the couch. I complied. I told him how long I'd been without food and how much I'd done that day (way too much moving about). He came down the stairs all the way and turned on the TV for me. We watched what felt like 10 minutes of Two and a Half Men. I managed to laugh some as Dad stood there and watched with me. Thank you, Dad!
I had a series of revelations that if I was in hell I'd might as well enjoy it. Then the basement became hell, the dim, reddish lighting only aiding the effect. I realized that I see Mom as divinity and Dad as Satan often. I saw clearly that I have always been fascinated with hell, that it is not visited upon me but that I visit that realm by choice, often. I remembered that Dad has introduced me, through me following his example, to all sorts of hells! He introduced me to alcohol, video game addiction, particularly games like Doom and Heretic that are set in hell! I felt he led me to caffeiene addiction, an ideology of being closed-off, and the chaotic hell of his cluttered messes all over the property that I've spent perhaps hundreds of hours in (unnecessary) anguish cleaning up. For some reason I did not feel that he introduced me to the hell of tobacco use but maybe that's because I've already gotten far from that place and quit cigarettes more than a year ago. But there he was saving me, though we were there in hell. That made me really feel like the spawn of Satan. Was I evil? Was I Satan? I couldn't help but wonder. Then, at one point as we were still watching TV, I became Satan. I could not remember my own identity so I stealthily acted out the part! I realized TV was an instrument of hell, my instrument. The walls writhed and bled. I heard the sound of chains, moans, and screams all around. I knew that my very DNA, the snakes I had seen earlier being direct representations of it, had supplanted my ego with its own, “Satan” being the mock-ego of the DNA's spirit, the dragons, I was sure! But now I was Satan, possessed by my own DNA, content in hell, and able to throw as many incarnations of myself as I wanted into this “life” game! Did I touch immortality?! The fires raged, smog all around, bugs crawling around the edges of my eyesight, as Two and a Half Men acted out TV divinations of my situation through conversations about (I think) incest and homosexuality. As Satan I merely smirked at it all. It was perfect for me, perfect for hell! Emmy, who'd been pestering me all night, purred and squirmed very contently beside me. She was very much the spawn of Satan, a dragon in cat form. I laughed a lot, but timed it with appropriate moments on TV, more synchronocities they seemed to be to me. I realized sheer negativity takes one to hell just as it can take one to the nihilism of the void. After no more than 10 minutes of watching TV with me Dad departed, and I'm pretty sure he thought I was fine. I hadn't shared my living visions with him.
I realized again that I had to piss and this time I had the balls to go for it, no longer feeling, as I had upstairs, that I was playing the final moves of chess with Death. I wandered to the bathroom on sore muscles not yet recovered from the abuse I'd put them through. My piss was nasty dark. In retrospect, what happened next was that I pissed out all the toxic vestiges of type B (“I'm not ok, you're ok”) personality in my life and flushed them away...forever! I was still feeling unapologetically like Satan but also aware that I was just another incarnation of the dragons, native in hell but able to escape over and over. I approached the bathroom door as the toilet flushed behind me and opened the door to a new world. I realized I was just another player, the world a game! I slowly and carefully emerged from the bathroom, alert and ready. I knew not who I was now, but it didn't matter! I was using all my senses and resources to the best of my ability to focus outwardly and navigate the game. I remembered Doom, Dino Crisis, and all the other hellish survival games I've loved and applied the skills I'd learned. I looked for rations, ammo, information, and enemies as I slowly made my way to the stairs in this somehow seemingly new world. In the words of dear Terence McKenna, I'd found a new way to say “hooray!”
I caught my reflection in the sliding glass doors. I was tall, gruff, and draped in a camo blanket, a worshipper of the wilderness, of nature, of the dragons. My face was sharp. The words “endurance is the quality of the warrior” flowed through my mind. I wasn't afraid of hell, I wasn't afraid to die! I made my way upstairs to the main floor.
I saw Dad roaming around outside with a flashlight, kinda frantic. Mom had gone to sleep. I sat down at the kitchen table, giving myself time for the new me to sink in fully. I sat there and tried to merely observe, to take in my environment as it was. I was alive and reborn in a divine house, feeling unattached yet lucky. Everything was as it should be in the world. Acceptance I'd never known flowed through me. The realms of heaven and hell coalesced seamlessly on this floor, on this planet! And then I felt what I can only describe as God. “What makes the eyes see, but cannot be seen by the eyes?” inquires a verse in the Upanishads. Well, I felt that presence, that everything was emptiness, all beings illusory and actually just one being/force/thing! And all for the most elaborate playing!
Dad came over to the house and inside as I drifted from glorious thought to glorious thought. He asked how I was doing, pensively, and I responded that I was great, everything was great. Now Dad was the adept one, and I felt he'd been through something very similar. I have so much respect for him. I laid outside on the deck and stared at the moon for a bit. The strength and breadth of my imagination was incredible and I quickly understood that it was my ticket to infinity. Anything was now possible. I went inside when I got cold, feasted on some food, stared at the moonlit forest for awhile, and then passed out at roughly 4:00. The next day I had the song “You Can Get It If You Really Want” stuck in my head.
(ANY questions and comments are truly welcome. thanks for reading!)
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for the happiness and health of all beings and Gaia.
Edited by Rahas (10/15/14 09:16 PM)
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