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Shop: Mushroom-Hut Liquid Cultures   Unfolding Nature Unfolding Nature: Being in the Implicate Order

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Humor....
    #2018338 -

.... but with a GREAT deal of truth behind it.


Radical Profiling: You Know You Are a Leftist If...


By: Marc Levin, Esq.
Associate Editor


-You believe John Ashcroft poses a greater danger to America than Osama bin Laden


-You think President Bush lied to the nation, but his predecessor did not.


-You believe President Bush is too dumb to be President and Arnold Schwarzenegger is too dumb to be Governor of California, but the Dixie Chicks, Martin Sheen, Alec Baldwin, Babs Streisand, Eddie Vedder, and Jeanine Garofalo are foreign policy experts.


-You are enraged by the so-called mistreatment of Muslim prisoners at Guantanamo Bay who have gained weight while dining on their specially prepared Koran-approved meals, but believe the world should have stood idly by while Saddam Hussein filled mass graves.


-You support racial, ethnic, and sexual diversity, but oppose the adoption of non-discriminatory hiring practices to ensure ideological diversity on university faculties.


-You supported making rhetoric about human rights central to US foreign policy under Jimmy Carter, but oppose actually taking action to make human rights a reality under George W. Bush.


-You believe that trial lawyers taking 33 to 40 percent of a plaintiff's recovery in lawsuits is just about right, but the federal government taking this amount of our income in taxes is not nearly enough.


-You believe Saddam Hussein, Kim Jong Il, and Yasser Arafat were fairly and democratically elected, but President Bush was not.


-You root for prisoners when they escape from our oppressive prisons, but oppose allowing poor children to escape from failing public schools.


-You believe all conservatives are racist, but do not think minorities can ever succeed without affirmative action.


-You believe that being the former Governor of a New England state with 608,827 people is more than adequate experience to qualify someone to be President in 2004, but being the Governor of a Southwestern state with 21,325,018 people was wholly inadequate in 2000.


-You agree with Toni Morrison that President Clinton was "the first black President," but didn't criticize Al Sharpton for recently labeling President Bush a "gang leader."


-You believe we could finally get some truth out of the Pentagon if only Don Rumsfeld would resign and Mohammed Al-Sahhaf was named as his replacement.


-You believe evangelical Christians are destroying America, but don't feel threatened by the radical Wahabbi sect that is perverting Islam.


-You have found where the right to an abortion is written in the Constitution, but cannot find where the Constitution provides for a right to bear arms.


-Your car sports the bumper sticker saying that "it will be a great day when our schools have all the money they need and the military has to hold bake sales," but oppose allowing the U.S. military to set up volunteer recruitment tables on college campuses because of their "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy.


-You believe President Bush is an environmental criminal for poisoning the water with arsenic, but have never complained about Saddam Hussein's devastating Iraq and Kuwait's environment through setting intentional oil well fires and committing genocide against the Marsh Arabs by draining their wetlands.


-You support campus speech codes that ban pick-up lines and amorous gazes, but never spoke out against President Clinton's physical sexual harassment in the White House.


-You can't decide which is worse: the Patriot Act or the Patriot Missile.


-You support unlimited appeals for convicted criminals, but believe it is undemocratic for Californians to reverse their earlier mistake of electing Gray Davis.


-You believe U.S. exports of genetically-modified foods pose a greater threat to African nations than corrupt dictators like Zimbabwe's Mugabe.


-You believe welfare is a fundamental human right, but workfare is a human rights violation.


-You believe religion is a scourge on our society, but that we will all be saved if we only have our consciousness sufficiently raised so that we become one with Mother Nature and share your faith that global warming will kill us all.


If the above has successfully profiled you, congratulations, as you have won a one-way ticket to Paris aboard the U.S.S.R. Michael Moore. Your ticket will be held at the nearest Dennis Kucinich for President rally. Matricular consular cards issued by foreign governments will be gladly accepted as identification.



More truth than most will admit.


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You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity. What one person receives without working for another person must work for without receiving. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for that my dear friend is the beginning of the end of any nation. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it. ~ Adrian Rogers

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Re: Humor.... [Re: luvdemshrooms]
    #2018443 -

Quote:
You have found where the right to an abortion is written in the Constitution, but cannot find where the Constitution provides for a right to bear arms.


That one is funny, most of them are pretty lame tho.


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man = monkey + mushroom

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Re: Humor.... [Re: luvdemshrooms]
    #2018481 -

That was one of the most humorless, judgemental things Ive wasted time reading in awhile.

Im a liberal and I think most of the statements were completely retarded. They arent even puns on actual liberal thinking. They are overly dramaticized bullocks.


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Re: Humor.... [Re: PsiloKitten]
    #2018605 -

Golly Gosh! What a surprise seeing as the majority are accurate.


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You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity. What one person receives without working for another person must work for without receiving. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for that my dear friend is the beginning of the end of any nation. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it. ~ Adrian Rogers

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Re: Humor.... [Re: luvdemshrooms]
    #2018616 -

This thing is pretty retarded.

For instance:

"You believe evangelical Christians are destroying America, but don't feel threatened by the radical Wahabbi sect that is perverting Islam."

I've yet to meet a single person who feels this way. They're both backwards stupid superstitions, and they're both causing huge problems.


Another...
"You believe Saddam Hussein, Kim Jong Il, and Yasser Arafat were fairly and democratically elected, but President Bush was not."

I don't think anyone would argue that they were elected democratically.

Some people just can't understand that the world doesn't work like a movie. There are no good and bad guys, just a whole lot of people who all think they're the good guys.


And finally...
"You believe President Bush is too dumb to be President and Arnold Schwarzenegger is too dumb to be Governor of California, but the Dixie Chicks, Martin Sheen, Alec Baldwin, Babs Streisand, Eddie Vedder, and Jeanine Garofalo are foreign policy experts."

I might agree with their viewpoints, but I don't think they're qualified to be politicians. Anyone who votes for Streisand is just as much of a moron as anyone who votes for Schwarzenegger.

It's easy to make any political ideology look stupid if you twist their viewpoints around and fabricate hypocrisy. For instance, you know you're a conservative if:

-You think abortion is murder, but have no problem bombing villages in third world countries.

-You roll your eyes when you hear about those wacky new age religions, but spend your sunday speaking in tongues and handling snakes.

-You spoke out against Clinton's actions and policies, but think that anyone who opposes Bush is not a true American.


--------------------
"I have no valid complaint against hustlers. No rational bitch. But the act of selling is repulsive to me. I harbor a secret urge to whack a salesman in the face, crack his teeth and put red bumps around his eyes." -Hunter S Thompson
http://phluck.is-after.us

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Re: Humor.... [Re: Phluck]
    #2018648 -

Laugh and the world laugh's with you.


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You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity. What one person receives without working for another person must work for without receiving. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for that my dear friend is the beginning of the end of any nation. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it. ~ Adrian Rogers

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Re: Humor.... [Re: luvdemshrooms]
    #2019416 -

These statements are hard to disagree with. I don't think they lable people on the Left or people on the extreme Left; perhaps they put a finger on the Right's idea of the extreme Left. And if that is what a Right winger thinks people on the Left believe, he is sadly misinformed.

If the Right wing believes the Left are a bunch of people who think their election was stolen in 2000, they're gonna' be very surprised in 2004.


--------------------
Fiddlesticks.


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Re: Humor.... [Re: Rose]
    #2020297 -

That's just the point. I have tried addressing this in the past; how the labels tossed around serve no purpose than to further widen the communication gap by offering preconceptions as to what the other people with whom you're chatting automatically and systematically believe.

This is what many people think that "we" "liberals" think. There was giant piles of tripe on that list, and little more. I mean, jesus... there's one disparaging Jimmy Carter's human rights record while lauding Dubyas!?! WTF?

When we get rid of the labels and preconceptions, THEN MAYBE we can start to have an open an meaningful dialogue about actual issues. Until them, we will just have to put up with closed minded little weenies, spouting baseless and meaningless rhetoric at every possible opportunity. Status quo, I suppose.


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There is no flag large enough to cover the shame of killing innocent people.
  --  Howard Zinn

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Re: Humor.... [Re: GernBlanston]
    #2020416 -

where do you get this stuff, luvvie?

I wonder what all those conservatives on the other sites and boards you hang out at would think about your involvement in the shroomery.

You know you are a conservative hypocrite if:

You support individual rights and drug law reform, but you vote for Bush anyway, because "he is the lesser of 2 evils."

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Re: Humor.... [Re: luvdemshrooms]
    #2020802 -

http://www.cjnetworks.com/~cubsfan/conlies.html



You know you are a conservative if you believe....

Because the media doesn't only report good stuff about conservatives, it is radically liberal.

People feel more comfortable knowing they are in the secure and caring hands of a gigantic profit-driven HMO.

Because Colin Powell's views on race, abortion, and other social problems are in line with most Americans, he is a radical leftist who must not be allowed into the Republican party.

smoking tobacco cigarettes is a harmless choice that adults should make for themselves without government involvement, but smoking marijuana cigarettes is a national crisis for which the government ought to imprison anyone caught doing so.

It is patriotic to renounce one's citizenship to avoid paying taxes, and anyone who doesn't think so is a socialist.

Any woman who wants equal pay,control over her own body or thinks for herself is a wacko feminist.

The Budget Deficit is the bigget problem facing America now, and the best way to get rid of it is to lower taxes so that the government takes in less money

The most persecuted group of people in all history are white, Christian males and it is about time they started to fight back against their oppressors

Vince Foster was personally murdered by Hillary Clinton because he knew too much about Whitewater, which is the biggest scandal in all of American History.

Because of the fact that David Koresh set his own home on fire, we live in a socialist police state.

Your AK-47 is the only thing keeping a tyrannical government from imprisoning millions of your fellow citizens in secret concentration camps

Forcing a rape victim to give birth to her rapist's child is a way to support good family values

All problems in America today can be directly traced to a 1962 Supreme Court decision to bar coerced state-sponsored prayer in public schools.

Ronald Reagan is single-handedly responsible for ending the Cold War.

Sex corrupts children's minds, but violence does not, as long as it is committed by Republican movie stars such as Arnold Schwartzeneggar and Bruce Willis.

A right wing dictator is better than a left wing dictator.

Big Companies create jobs. Without their benevolence, nobody would be able to work.

A good way to promote world peace is to withdraw from the U.N., dissolve GATT and NAFTA, and ban all immigration.

Peter Jennings, making several million dollars a year and heard by millions is a member of the Elite Liberal Media, but Rush Limbaugh, making several million dollars a year and heard by millions is A Man of the People.

Giving aid to the poor is bad for them, but giving aid to business is good for the economy.

Government regulations protecting clean drinking water and edible meat are Socialism and Interference in the Free Market, but subsidized mining, grazing, logging, and defense work is just Good Government.

Part of Getting Big Government Off Our Backs includes allowing said government to monitor all our electronic traffic on the Internet.

Because a tiny portion of the money the National Endowment for the Arts gave out went to "obscene" artists, the best solution is to just disband the whole thing.

Paying employees more money hurts the economy

Because America ranks very low among other countries in education, the best solution is to weaken the public schools.

Commerical television is responsible for attacking morality and pandering to the base emotions, therefore, we must eliminate the only alternative, PBS.

Family planning, which cuts down on the number of unwanted pregnancies without abortion, must be eliminated so that there will be less abortions.

It is good for the economy when major corporations fire large chunks of their work force.

Pat Buchanan, millionaire, media star, Mercedes owner, is a populist who understands what the common man wants.

The best qualification for being President is to have never held any office, to hate Washington, and to be really rich.

The United States should stay out of Bosnia because we are not the world policeman and Bosnia doesn't have any oil.

This would be a safer place to live if more citizens had more guns.

Paying government employees not to work is helping to balance the budget.


--------------------

"Little racoons and old possums 'n' stuff all live up in here. They've got to have a little place to sit." Bob Ross.

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Re: Humor.... [Re: sir tripsalot]
    #2020826 -

There we go!

Equal time for everyone's distortions.

Free speech in action. Gotta love it.

pinky


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Re: Humor.... [Re: luvdemshrooms]
    #2021046 -

How is that humor? I don't think any serious comedic entertainers would ever use such material. It implies too much, not to mention it comes off as down right puerile.


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Re: Humor.... [Re: luvdemshrooms]
    #2021077 -

You guys kill me.

It's humor because it's both distorted and presented in a humorous manor.

The conservative one is funny as well.

Lighten up.


--------------------
You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity. What one person receives without working for another person must work for without receiving. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for that my dear friend is the beginning of the end of any nation. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it. ~ Adrian Rogers

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Re: Humor.... [Re: luvdemshrooms]
    #2021138 -

If you have to explain the humor of a thread titled, "Humor...." sorry, it isn't funny. Well, not in the way you think it is.

Sir Tripsalot finding a Liberal version of the same document... now that was funny.

But neither document contained many laughs.


--------------------
Fiddlesticks.


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Re: Humor.... [Re: luvdemshrooms]
    #2021555 -

This is funny:

http://www.comedycentral.com/tv_shows/ds/


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man = monkey + mushroom

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Re: Humor.... [Re: pattern]
    #2022105 -

A lot of things are funny when the head is removed from the sphincter.
(not you personally, people in general)


--------------------
You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity. What one person receives without working for another person must work for without receiving. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for that my dear friend is the beginning of the end of any nation. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it. ~ Adrian Rogers

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Re: Humor.... [Re: luvdemshrooms]
    #2024128 -

terriboo


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All I know is The Growery is a place where losers who get banned here go.

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Re: Humor.... [Re: afoaf]
    #2024329 -

peacock


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Fiddlesticks.


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Re: Humor.... [Re: Rose]
    #2024401 -

You mean humor like this, unfortuneatly it's too true...



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Convert Metric and Imperial.

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Re: Humor.... [Re: Starter]
    #2024486 -

:lol:

That's funny.


--------------------
Fiddlesticks.


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