I slept next to my wife last night. She wasn't far from my side, and as she crawled to the other side of the bed I insisted that she come back. I begged her to return to my side so I could speak to her. I then saw that she was half asleep when I spoke to her so I didn't take anything she said as real, I could tell that by the time she told me what it was she wanted to say that I'd have been occupied by a new problem. Sometimes she would wake up in the night and mention some place she recently has been to in a dream, maybe it will be a vision that she has that wakes her up, and unfortunately she must always speak of these dreams.
I always doubted that she knew that I never wanted to listen to them, and because of this I attached no fear of her knowing my true intentions. I would never reveal my true intentions to someone, I could not possibly explain all the things that go into my words.
My wife will sometimes wake me up in the middle of the night as if expecting me to talk to her until morning starts, and she really will insist that she speaks to me til it does. I must admit that at times I disapprove of her mentioning things of no importance to me, I will try to attach some purpose to it but I am left without any. I then will tell her in advance, mainly before she has started speaking to me of things, that I must not be involved in her talks. I try to purposely prevent her from saying anything to me so I can go to sleep, but she will start to speak and I don't know what to do with it. I later saw her leave my bed and go into the bathroom. I watchedd her as she left me behind in the bed, I love to get a peak of all the curves of her slim figure, and once these curves have been revealed to me and show me the extraordinary features of a beautiful woman, I cannot get the sight out of my head. It remains an image that occupies mny mind, and because it is featured it my mind I cannot ignore that it remains. I cannot remain considering that she isn't as beautiful as I originally proposed, but instead state that she satisfied my eyes.
I started to watch her as she left, she was going to come back and let me get another view ofher, and I couldn't believe how she accepted without resisting to my urge to see her. I walked outside and heard the door of the bathroom open, I realized that my wife had left theb athroom and was coming back to my room.
She would not find me inside since I went to smoke, I would be back inside in a short notice, it usually wouldn't take me very long to finish a smoke and get back to my room, so I didn't believe there would be any reason for her to suppose that it would take longer than she originally expected.
My wife came outside to urge me to come back in the room to tuck he rin, she loved when I tucked her inside her bed before she went to sleep, and I would always whisper that I would see her when she woke up again. I would be waiting by her to tuck her in tomorrow, and probably the next day, as I had done before.
She started to tell me that she wanted to invite me to a luncheon later, and I could not decline her offer to invite me to a luncheon, since I never would decline a luncheon. I had attended every luncheon in New York during the year 2005. I was always thinking of when the next one would appear, and when I knew it would take a long time for a new one to begin, I sobbed uncontrollably. There was the decision that we had to wait awhile for it to start, and while we waited for it to begin we would speak to each other outside of it.
I would sometimes walk by the windows of it and see people inside talking, they would seem so engrossed in their conversation that anything other than it remaining in their lives didn't seem valid. I saw them as they would be sitting around a table and smiling at the other, then they would mention something and the table would roar into laughter. They didn't expect that someone would be staring inside as they were talking to one another, and I usually didn't ever excite any possibility of them guessing I was there.
My wife told me last week that someone at the luncheon couldn't attend because he was sick, he had an incredible illness that didn't allow him to stay very long, he had to leave 15 minutes before it ended so he could recooperate. He seemed a nervous wreck that was about to burst out of his skin, and because of this he quickly told us that he had to leave and return home. We told him we would see him around another time and that we would visit him when he is better. I would learn that others would ask me why I never attended the luncheon that day, and they would talk about me to try and find out where I went instead.
I would later encounter the same people and be able to explain, and they would look at me as if expecting some kind of advice. I gave them the advise they sought, and this advise made them feel a keen satisfaction. I would always find as I was leaving a luncheon that one of them would mention my name, they would say it right as I was exiting the door, and I would already be on my way out before I could reply to them. I always imagined that as I was on my way home that they were speaking about me, and as I thought of them discussing me I started to feel wanted. I finally felt that my desire to neglect my own personal plans was giving me a new way to view things. I could finally view them exactly the way I wanted them, and because I could decide exactly what I wanted them to be, without anyone giving me there plans instead of me actually making some, I would feel fulfilled.
I would feel fulfilled for the fact that I had decided the plans on my own accord, that there was nothing deciding things for me, and because of this I had to tell my wife. I was thinking of telling her how I decided my own plan and she would enjoy to hear it. I could form an image of my mind of how she would look as I told her my plans, and I could see this image clearly. It was this image that allowed me to decide to follow my plan to talk to her, and I knew that even if it was prolonged by the fact that I felt somewhat hesitant to tell her.
I was fully aware that my wife was not honorable enough to hear the great words of a mighty person of dignity, and because my wife hadn't attained the dignity that allows one to be viewed as a prominent figure, a figure that can create his own actual thoughts, thoughts that he has made by a decision, a decision to create a thought, and with this decision we can confirm that it has been made. And it was entirely our own decisionto create it, nothing else was controlling my decisions, no other influence was exerting anything in my mind other than my own decisions. I felt completely free, I was free of any restraint of other people, nothing else was controlling me other than myself, nothing was preventing me from speaking my own words, coming up with my own zingers, no, I was in complete control of every decision. Yes, this complete control filled me up with heartwarming emotion, I could feel how this was affecting me tremendously, I had to exclaim for joy at the realization that I was free without anything stopping me. My wife told me that she was invited to see her friend, but then her friend told her that she wasn't going to come along because she had other plans, so she was unfortunately unable to attend to my wife. Sadly we didn't attach much intelligence to this friend, and the fact that she remained our friends despite the obvious hatred of her ignorance pleased us. I tried to write to this friend, but despite my number of letters they never responded, nor did I ever expect a response from someone I didn't attribute brains to. I did not expect them to write me back after I wrote them, because in order for someone to reply back to a letter you would have to have a mind to conceive of what you wanted to write. This person was brainless and we would teach her how to think. We would literally go over to her and show her the process of thinking, and once we showed her this extraordinary talent we exclaimed in joy. Later that day my wife told me that she was planning on leaving me forever, she was going to forget that I ever came into her life, that I meant anything in regard to her personally. I could not believe that she would choose to leave everything we once had behind, and I was full of sorrow once I realized that she firmly decided to forget I existed. She told me that she was leaving first thing next morning, that after this night ended I would never see her return, that she would find a new person instead of me. I was depressed that she was planning on leaving, and that before she left she wouldn't even speak to me, she suppressed her own voice and let me think about it instead. She insisted that the topic not be brought up, to forget it ever happened. I could not accept forgetting everything we had, and almost had the urge to express my disapproval to her deciding to leave me behind. But no, this deep feeling of it being useless clutched my heart and I was unable to bring myself to acknowledging that I had a right to have her.
I wanted to make sure she could never leave me, but I knew she would never stay with me without putting up a fight. She would have told me that my urge to see her was primarily due to delusions about her love for me, love which she hadn't for me. I was in the bathroom thinking about how I would break it to my wife that I was glad she was gone. I could finally have the house to myself w ithout her getting involved in my affairs, and the fact that I would be alone in the house without her made me happy. I knew that without a soul around my home I'd have recovered from my former deject and be repaired, I would finally be complete with her gone.
I could not ignore the fact that part of me wanted her to remain with me, I could not ignore that I wanted her here, but I denied myself to her existence, I didn't accept it as my own, I could see that she was something apart from myself, something that lived independent of anything I was, she could not be restrained by sticking with one person, and would leave me for someone new. I knew this yet I was unable to come to terms with her not acknowledging that I wanted her to stay with me, that she couldn'tgive me the privilege to have her all for myself, and that no matter what I did it would be useless since she existed without me controlling her.
For an unattainable woman I attached no significance to my cries, and realized that by wishing for her to remain an essential figure in my life meant I would be surrendering my own faculties, that I would be giving up a part of myself just to be with her. I realized that if my wife stayed around I would be constantly faced with the fact that I gave up something in myself, she would exist and I would depend on her to fill me up. She filled the emptiness of my existence with a luminous light, once she had arrived in my life I recognized that I finally was fulfilled, that every decision was with her in mind, allowing her not to control me, but to be my light in the dark. I went to her room and found out she left her bed, and I was holding a lamp so I could try and make her figure out in the dark. I put the lamp on the desk and went to look for her around the house.
I arrived at the entrance of the door and saw she nearly walked into me, only because I had a quick reflex did I have the ability to step backwards and acknowledge her blind walking. She looked at me and examined the room behind me, but it felt that she was really concentrating on examining me and not the room, and because of this I identified her feigned desire to examine me to be a ploy to hide the fact that she was only interested in my room. I didn't tell her that I suspected she was concealing something from me, but I gave her a look that made her consider that as a possible option. I knew that I had to wait for my wife to explain what she was going to do once she left me, and that the time waiting for her to tell me everything would take an extraordinary amount of time. The conversation would probably be prolonged by the fact that I had wanted to find out what she planned to do way before she even mentionedit, and because I knew that she wanted to discuss it with me too I felt she would pursue all the thoughts she wanted to express. She told me the night before that she had been planning on leaving me alot sooner than she originally proposed tonight, and that the fact that she got around to telling me all about it was fascinating. I was glad that she eventually told me everything she wanted to talk about, and I listened eager to hear more of her plans.
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No More Stories Are Told Today, I'm Sorry They Washed Away // No More Stories, The World Is Grey, I'm Tired, Let's Wash Away.
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