1940-2003: In Memoriam MOM

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Asante
Big Moissanite shill

Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 92,897

1940-2003: In Memoriam MOM

2
#1689557 - 07/06/03 05:49 AM (23 years, 3 months ago)

A few days ago on 18:24 of July 4 2003 my mom has passed away. She died by euthanasia which was the inevitable result of a cancer operation gone sour.

I have not posted this at Support Central, but want to share it with our community nontheless, if only to aid my own grieving process and to inform those Shroomerites close to me.

My mom had to undergo a second cancer operation last monday in which her whole colon had to be removed due to multiple carcinoma. She recovered with alot of pain which seemed to subside.
I "knew" from the day she got word of the surgery she was not going to make it, so I made sure that after every hospital visit I felt the things that should be said were said.
She was doing better and better and I regained confidence that perhaps my premonitions had been wrong.

Last thursday she entered a state of delirium. Because I know the nature of both Delirium and Opiates I knew it wasn't caused by the morphine she recieved, told the nurses got talked to but basically ignored. I had to leave her (visiting hours...) and went.

That night when I went to bed I saw the most beautiful delirioid abstract imagery I've ever seen and felt (...)

I woke up at 09:00 with a horrible nightmare: that a festivity my mom and I would attend together would be impossible (...)

Friday morning at about 08:30 her breathing ceased and her bloodpressure collapsed. She was transferred to the ICU (nextdoor to the one I got hospitalised for my heart infarction half a year ago) I got called at 09:10, made some emergency calls and rushed to the hospital.

The sufering of my mother had mounted such that they had to keep her narcotised with Dormicum (Midazolam, an IV anaesthetic Benzo). Every once in a while there were some signs of consciousness and in these moments I said my goodbyes to her and urged her to keep up the fight for all her might. I saw some emotion which assured me I had managed to reach her.

She vomited black bile, got the red-purple spots on the lower part of her body I immediately recognised as "death spots", severe vascular lesions that happen to some shortly before death. The nurses were yapping hemmoraging etc. but I knew what they were and the surgeon confirmed this later on.

She got prepped for emergency surgery and rushed to the OR and while the family poured in she got operated opon in a desperate attempt to save her life. This proved unsuccessful.

The surgeon decided to keep her un-stitched in case she regained function enough in order to be operated upon further (however they do that, don't want to know)this was not to be.

She was kept unconscious with large amounts of Dormicum and Morphine, she had 15 IV drips hanging from her body and was on artificial respiration.

Finally their attemptes started to become harmful, they fought to keep a dying body going and this went beyond the point of no return.

We had to decide to give her a final chance. Her medicines were tapered off and the drugs upped to keep her from the undoubtably hellish and inhumane pains of a half-dead body. The increased oxygen was tapered until she finally (artificially) breathed normal air.

It was hell: her neck and face were swolen beyond recognition and her chest was pumping (...) if they had told me it was a rubber doll I would've believed it, it was completely unreal to the family who arrived. My brother had to return from the other side of the world and came too late.

Of 15 IV drips only 2 remained: the Dormicum, the Morphine and the ever-pumping respirator. It was clear to all of us: We left her in God's hands to regain health enough for partial recovery or death, the latter seeming the most likely.

My mom was a Catholic so we had the Final Sacraments given to her. I myself am a Wiccan so I integrally prayed Wiccan along. I said many prayersas did the family.

I'm the pharmguy of the family, helping her manage her medicines etc. (...) The surgeon would hear nothing of it, but the nurses of the ICU granted my wish to have a needled syringe containing 500mg of Morphine HCl present in the room in case her death process would turn into the ultimate nightmare (..) I would've plunged it myself if none of the nurses would do it should the need arise.
Fortunately this proved unnecesary (...)

The death spots crept up her body, bloodpressure went down from over 100 to 20/15 or so. I looked at the monitor and saw her heart go from 90bpm to flatline without cramping: it just stopped.
A final kiss(...) a final goodbye and it was over.
at 18:24 on July 4 2003 my mother's heart ceased beating at 63 years of age (...)

My brother arrived yesterday and the 3 of us (dad too) went to seeher remains. She likely will be cremated coming thursday. In a few hours the funeralguy returns with his fucking salestalk and book of assorted coffins and other formal shit. In the Ideal World we'd all live in a small village, the whole family got together, we cut some trees and did it ourselves. But the perversity of civilisation includes strangers and salestalks and shit like that to come between you and (...) your beloved.

I just wrote my little speech for coming thursday. I'll try to translate it correctly.

Mother,
You left the Earthly
You returned to the place we all come from.
Your joys, your pains, a head full of memories of an intense life you've left behind and you moved on as a Soul.

Yougot such joy from helping others, yet had to bear such a heavy load in life. You allways pushed through, against all setbacks, the depressions and finaly the surgeries you had to go through.
You were a Fighter until the end and posessed a strenght I've never seen in others.

(personal parts removed)

Mother, mom,
You left the Eartly.
You returned to the place we all came from
Your body dissolves into Earth, Water, Fire and Air, you live on in our memories and your Soul will forever walk the mysterious path we all are walking until the end of time.

Me, XXXXX, all who love you will never forget you.
Mom, Blessed Be and Fare Well.

(Mod: please keep this thread free of druggie or pro-life venom or lock it. I won't be on for some time, sorry to all of you for laying this on you and thanks with all my heart for reading this.One needs not respond, having read this you have payed enough respect. Thank you all.)

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