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Unfolding Nature Shop: Unfolding Nature: Being in the Implicate Order

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How To Get Played On the Radio Without Having Any Talent. * 1
    #12909048 -

How To Get Played On the Radio Without Having Any Talent
by Cactusdan

Do you want to have your band or voice played on the radio, but just have no talent?

Well I have composed a simple 5 step plan for assuring that you and your "band" get all the air time you're deserved.

Modern radio is all about selling a product that will get absolutely drilled into your head, even if you hate the song. It will pester you on and on until finally you "buy" it. I have devised this method from countless hours of Muzak's Top 40 station being blared over head while I work, and it is fool proof (trust me there are a lot of fools)

STEP 1: Find a Catchy Cliche

In order to produce a hit song now days, cliches are key. If you're writing a love song, something like "You're the key to my heart" will work great" If it's about all them haters you can tell your audience something to the effect of "step up". Assuring that you come up with a 1-2 sentence catch phrase is key as you will be repeating this at least 8 times (see step 2).

With out a catchy cliche, your song will get nowhere on the charts and you will never make the bucks you so desperately seek.

STEP 2: Song Structure

In order to get your catchy cliche stuck in your listeners heads, you must first know how to effectively pierce the barrier of the brain that exists to block out talentless folk like yourself. I have devised the perfect song structure, and it goes a little something like this:

Intro - Preferably either a catchy loop that will be played through the entire song or an epic guitar/drum solo that will never be heard again)

Chorus - This is where your cliche goes. You will sing it twice. Although traditionally a verse goes in front of a chorus, singing the chorus first will allow instant recognition and leave the audience waiting for the exact same thing in 30 seconds.

Verse - Just write anything, no one will care about this part. Just make sure it rhymes, A LOT!

Chorus - Catchy cliche. Repeat twice.

Verse 2 - See Verse 1.

Chorus - Catchy Cliche, but this time repeat anywhere from 4-6 times. This will make sure that it is effectively welded into the brains of your listeners even though what your saying is not original at all.

STEP 3 - Hire Someone To Write For You

Been having trouble so far?

It's ok, after all you are reading this because you have no talent and are using the internet to try and figure out how to be famous. Luckily, there are people who are just slightly less retarded than you for hire!

These people will write all the lyrics to your songs, as they have been trained in the art of cliches, rhymes, and repetition. Now, these guys know that they are probably too uninteresting of a human being to be able to make it big, or even more likely they're in their 40's, fat, and balding. It's ok, you're the "talent" here! And with a little bit of cash and a producer you'll be on your way to stardom in no time.

STEP 4: Auto-tune and More

Now, because your voice probably sounds somewhere between a macaw and someone with a Laryngectomy, you'll probably need to do some tweaking. This is where that fine program called Auto-Tune comes in!

Auto-Tune uses a phase vocoder to correct the pitches in voices. It has been in the studio since 1997 and has produced such great hits as "Believe" by Cher.

The proper way to use Auto-Tune nowadays is to close your eyes and select random notes at random intervals if you want to go for the hipper crowd. If you're looking just to "sing" you can take a little bit more time to adjust your voice to the correct pitch of your "music".

For the instrumental section of your song, you should allow the producer to bring in any and every possible instrument available for recording. Have the instruments play for 5-20 seconds in the beginning of your song. The rest can be generated in something like fruity loops or reason by someone else, maybe your writer.

STEP 5: Live Shows

Now you may be wondering, with all this digital processing how will you ever be able to put on a good live show?

The answer is simple and has been used ever since the day of The Monkees.

LIP-SYNCING!

As long as your show has plenty of explosions, props, confetti, and half-naked people frolicking around, you are sure to have a good show. You see, these things distract people. And thus, they wont be focused on the fish faces you keep doing or the fact that you aren't holding your mic even remotely close to your mouth.

There's a reason there aren't fireworks or a game going on while the lady at a ball game sings the National Anthem, it's because it's distracting from the talent (although this isn't always true). So my advice to you is, do the opposite.

CONCLUSION

So there you have it, my 5 point plan for radio stardom!

Using this, you will be a star.
I don't care who you are, you will be a star.
Using this, you will be a star.
I don't care who you are, you will be a star.

See? Now just imagined if that had followed a bunch of violins and had some Auto-Tune over it?

Smash hit.

Here are some example videos as homework:











Hope you guys enjoyed this, as I enjoy ranting and being extremely sarcastic :wink:


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Re: How To Get Played On the Radio Without Having Any Talent. [Re: Cactusdan]
    #12909079 -

:ilold: Very nicely made.

I understand where you are coming from. Sadly, this is an all too common way to make music nowadays.


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:mushroom2:Good Vibes:mushroom2:



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Re: How To Get Played On the Radio Without Having Any Talent. [Re: Cactusdan]
    #12909089 -

:laugh2:

I can go pro now


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I don't use or interact with illegal drugs. I joined for the wealth of information available in the Ethnobotanical Garden forum.

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Re: How To Get Played On the Radio Without Having Any Talent. [Re: iFennario]
    #12909205 -

Aw man, I been a struggling musician for years. I was just about to record some shit too. I've been doing it all wrong with these instruments and shit. Thanks for the tips :thumbup:


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That's me on the street with a violin under my chin. Playing with a grin, singing gibberish.

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Re: How To Get Played On the Radio Without Having Any Talent. [Re: F0SS1L]
    #12909229 -

I'll be listening for ya!!!

:tongue:


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Re: How To Get Played On the Radio Without Having Any Talent. [Re: Cactusdan]
    #12909305 -

haha and you picked the perfect songs to illustrate your point too!


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l'enfer c'est les autres

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Re: How To Get Played On the Radio Without Having Any Talent. [Re: VisionaryFlicker] * 1
    #12909318 -

I had a lot to pick from :lol:


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Re: How To Get Played On the Radio Without Having Any Talent. [Re: Cactusdan]
    #12909334 -

:thumbup: Kind of funny I just actually rewatched Airheads recently. You just hating music these days or something inspire you to write this?


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Paddington Brown

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Re: How To Get Played On the Radio Without Having Any Talent. [Re: Paddington]
    #12909347 -

Quote:
devised this method from countless hours of Muzak's Top 40 station being blared over head while I work


Inspiration from hating the music I'd say :wink:


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Re: How To Get Played On the Radio Without Having Any Talent. [Re: Cactusdan]
    #12909441 -

I think I love you RP. :hug:

It's not just top 40 either. There isn't even a country song these days that doesn't fit that mold as well.
Good form ol' chap :thumbup:


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"Freedom is something that dies unless it's used." H.T.
I've come to believe that the heart is the filter of the enlightened mind. Epilson Lyrae

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Re: How To Get Played On the Radio Without Having Any Talent. [Re: Epilson Lyrae]
    #12909543 -

Great read, and spot on, chap.  :thumbup:

Really is sad that this is how it works these days. Unfortunately I have listen to the trash they play on the modern rock stations all day at work.

Sometimes I want to call them up and ask what they're thinking. I hear the same shit song at least 5 times on the same station, it's so fucking annoying.


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Re: How To Get Played On the Radio Without Having Any Talent. [Re: Drchemist]
    #12909597 -

Thanks everyone, I was hoping you guys would get a kick out of it  :datass:

I have often felt the same way Drchemist.

The. exact. same. way.

And thus I created this thread so as to stop nagging my co-worker :grin:


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Unfolding Nature Shop: Unfolding Nature: Being in the Implicate Order

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