Edit this for me, I had a hemorrhage on the first sentence.

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hayguyman

Registered: 10/15/09
Posts: 188
Last seen: 14 years, 2 months

Edit this for me, I had a hemorrhage on the first sentence.

#12474366 - 04/28/10 10:24 PM (16 years, 5 months ago)

(Editorial note: this piece from a final portfolio for a creative writing class at ivytech community college.) This is word for word and punctuation transcribed.

Castle in the Air

As he breaths, his rhythm stops by big drips of sweat falling down his creased forehead and into his closed eyes. His eyelashes move from left to right as his eyes dart quickly underneath them closed, but uncontrolled.

He cranks the window down and lights up a cigarette, exhaling the smoke through his chapped lips. The smoke filters out through the window and eventually lifts up into the hemisphere. He often wonders if his sister is at the end of the hemisphere are aware of his existence. The only thing he has to look forward to after death being their presence.

He drives, and his stomach turns. His stomach is made of Play-Doh in the hands of a five year old girl. Heading west on Wabash Road, he can't see the police, caution tape and detectives he once saw blocking the road.

Joey turns into the dusty driveway. A loud black crow flies overhead :doggull:

, its wing span overpowering the sky for a moment, and its beady eyes looking down on him, as if he were the prey. He turns his imagination away from the cracked, dirty window which leads to the room of the murder. He watches the crow land on the un-mowed lawn and watches it violently peck at the ground. Joey can't help but see the dirty black crow as his sister's betrayer.

The house is dirty, smelly, and cluttered with old car parts which are broken down into individual parts. It is as though the killer slowly and carefully unscrewed every bumper, tire, and fender off of the cars to put in his junkyard collection. Slowly, twisting and turning, pulling and pushing. Joey imagines her cries, and tries to run to save her but his body is slow. His brain runs faster than his body can keep up.

She was raped and killed on the night of his senior prom. Joey took his girlfriend of four years to the dance. Twirling his first love in his arms, the last thing on his mind was his younger sister, and for the moment, he was ok with that. :sperms:

"This bastard better answer all of the questions I have and I better hear the truth. If he spits on lie, I may have to fucking kill him." :rabidcatdog:

Joey mutters through his teeth and quickly nods his head in disbelief of the words he has just spoken. Death upon that man has haunted his head for years.

"Who the fuck are you, and what are you doin' at my house?" This voice comes from the side porch door.

Joey eyes the man, who is drinking from a glass whiskey bottle :jackdaniels:

. The killer's hair is as greasy and unattended as his past crime. He is as exactly as Joey had pictured.

"Did you kill my sister?" Joey yells with an uncontrollable emotion. :mallow:

The man snickers, "You have no right to be here son."
:carl:

"You raped and killed my sister!"

Joey begins shaking, and his vision goes black. Seconds later his colors are vivid. Bright red is all he sees. He sees blood, everywhere covering his hands, covering his victim, soaking into the ground. In Joeys' hand is a broken whiskey bottle, the top is stuck in the man's throat, and he hears him gasp for air. Joey's never felt so heroic for something so evil.

His arms raise and body jolts, his eyes open, and the dream he has always wanted has come to an end. He is not a killer, not in this life. He had just dreamt a nightmare for most, but for Joey this dream was revenge. Revenge that only a brother hurt by despair of losing his sister would have.

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Konyap

Registered: 06/30/07
Posts: 33,945
Loc: Planet Piss
Last seen: 6 years, 10 months

Re: Edit this for me, I had a hemorrhage on the first sentence.

[Re: hayguyman]
#12480272 - 04/29/10 08:54 PM (16 years, 4 months ago)

"You have no right to be here son"

--------------------
http://bunkpolice.com/basic-test-kit/
Vienna Declaration
Salvia Divinorum The Docudrahma

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