I've never written about my most intense trip before but it was more than a year ago and I still think about it often.
I should add that when sober, I am a very mellow, down to earth, cool person who does not freak out easily.
I had taken 4g dried of the first flush of homegrown B+, enjoyed it but thought it was a bit intense for me, so on the second flush I ate 3g. Both times crushed in a peanut butter sandwich followed by grapefruit juice. The problem was that the second flush was extremely more potent than the first flush. So, this was my trip.
The first thing I remember about the trip was being in bed naked with my head and body completely under the covers, breathing in through the blanket and absolutely embracing the warmth of my own breath. I loved it as much as I've ever loved anything. I was aware that I wasn't, but I could imagine myself floating up into pure, white and golden sunlight. I loved it and felt wonderful. I wanted to share my warmth with my boyfriend, so that he could experience this joy as well. (I'd had gotten euphoric, warm-bright-light feelings before on shrooms) So we were now completely under the blankets together, me on top of him, and amazingly vivid closed eye visuals began. His body became a vessel that I was riding, and the stream of light became an orange river in a warm swamp of yellow and pink and purple strings of color, flowing and wrapping around each other like vines. I was laughing and screaming out everything I saw to him play by play, and he was laughing with me, and we were both enthralled in this new place we were exploring together. I remember wanting to invite the world to this place so everyone on the planet could feel how I felt. I named it Squash River on account of the colors. I felt empowered that I, myself, had created such an amazing place like this, out of nothing. I felt god-like, that I could create anything out of nothing. I shouted as loud as I could, "I am The Creator!" I was ecstatic. I asked my boyfriend to rule my kingdom. Through my absolutely manic descriptions he joined my visualization in his own mind and now took over, describing that the boat was no longer his body but a separate, living being that we rode together, that wanted to show us this place, like an entity, and that entity was. shaped like a zeppelin. I have never felt closer to a person that I felt to my boyfriend at that time, sharing the same hallucination and being guided by the living zeppelin together. It was like waking up from a dream and knowing the person waking up beside you had the same dream, there was no point in saying anything at all because our consciences were one in the first place. We were both crying from laughter. We no longer needed the blanket or the zeppelin-boat or the warm light, because we had eachother, and so we, peaking now, threw off the blanket and walked into the living room, still naked.
At this point, it was difficult to focus my eyes. All of the objects around me had borders of electric blues and purples that would disappear if I tried to focus on them. It was difficult to walk and I collapsed on the floor, but I was fine with that. He picked me up and we sat on the couch, our limbs overlapping. My mind began to take the shared-consciousness mindset too far and I lost the ability to tell our body parts apart. He would move his hand and I could not tell if it was him moving his or me moving mine. I was scared by this, and each time he moved I would have to move myself to see if the skin was mine or not. I decided that maybe it would be better if we weren't touching, and I tried to get up but found that I couldn't move. I decided that since our minds had melded in Squash River, that I could now only move if he himself thought about me moving. Like siamese twins, my limbs were controlled by his half of our shared brain. It was a eureka moment, that I had figured out this puzzling situation and that answer made perfect and absolute sense. I tried my best to explain to him but it was difficult to verbalize in my manic speech. I shouted instructions, "Move my legs! Move my legs! No- No- with your mind, you have to think it! I can't do this alone! I can't do this myself!" He was not tripping as hard as I and played along, shouting back to me the names of each of my muscles, giving them energy. We were both shouting at the top of our lungs, and with each word I could move, like a wobbly marionette. I kept shouting instructions and commands to him, "Get me a cup! Get me water! Sit me down! I need clothes!" He was explaining to me that I had the ability to move myself, that I could do these things without him, but I didn't understand. I was understanding less and less, and more making up my own rules to reality and following them immediately as truth. He stopped verbally guiding my movements out loud and, because he was no longer thinking about me moving, I felt my muscles and spine turn to jelly and I fell limp to the floor. I was frustrated and wished that I could move myself. I had difficulty even imagining a world where I could move my own body just by thinking about it, it didn't make any sense.
At that point, lying on the floor, I saw a window and out of it I saw blackness. Only blackness, and I was suddenly struck with horror. I did not understand why it was black, where everything had gone. Where was my world? Everything was gone. Had the world ended? I was so confused. (What was going on was that we had started tripping in the evening and now it was night time, but I was in the bedroom and Squash River and did not see this happen.) I cried hysterically on the floor in my fear and confusion and despair at the blackness outside the window, and I remember wanting to call my mom, for her to comfort me. My boyfriend tried to help me but I couldn't speak I was crying so hard. He told me he was afraid that if I didn't stop screaming that someone in our apartment complex would worry and call the police.
I was thinking about the world and my memories of it, and with every memory I recalled, I was there, living in that moment. I thought of visiting Las Vegas with my dad, of taking an exam in french in college, and I was there, like a lucid dream. I was having a hard time understanding my own spatial location, I wasn't sure if I was in my apartment or in french class or in Las Vegas, all three, or if I was transporting back and forth. Later I found out that I was talking out loud to my boyfriend as if he was my dad and the professor in these places, kind of babbling. I wouldn't move and I wouldn't stop crying, so my boyfriend picked me up and laid me in the bathtub and poured cool water on me. That snapped me out of it.
I stood up in the bathtub, the water still on at my feet, and I was overjoyed that I could stand up. I didn't need him anymore to control my muscles, his mind was separating from mine. At this point I was somewhat aware that I was on mushrooms and just tripping, but this is the first time in the night that this fact occurred to me as an influencing factor to my behavior. In the bathroom, I tried to pee. There was water dripping down from me all over from the bathtub and I understood that I was peeing out of many places of my body at once, that's where all the water was coming from, but this did4 not bother me. I remember my skin looking pink and radiant. He put clothes on, and brought me clothes but I did not want to wear them. It was as if he had handed me a parasol or something, I thought, what do I need these things for?
We went into a separate room with a blacklight and glow posters of mushrooms and the cosmos. We talked about the connection we felt in Squash River and how maybe peace would be possible if everyone could just feel that connected to eachother. We talked about how everyone is lost on this planet and oblivious to the possibility of simply being found in eachother. I felt very human, and relieved at the new calm around me. I wanted to do mushrooms with the whole world.
At that point we moved back into the bedroom, continued to talk. We were completing eachother's thoughts and again I felt a shared mind consciousness. I began to think about my connections with different people, specifically a guy at my work. I liked him, but was committed to my relationship. I turned to my boyfriend, and instead I visually saw my coworker, let's call him "Steve". I did not question this, I was pleased. I realized my eyes were closed, and opened them to see my boyfriend, so I closed them to bring back Steve. I started to talk to Steve, eyes closed, who was actually my boyfriend, about my boyfriend. I'm still not sure if he was just playing along to see where I'd go with this because I was so far gone or if he was out of it too, but he playing along with the conversation. I talked about problems we were having, and I told him I liked him and had wanted him sexually. I opened my eyes again to find that I was speaking this to my boyfriend. I was suddenly very confused and afraid, I didn't know who I'd told what. I put the blankets over my head, I tried to remember Squash River, I couldn't, it wasn't there. I couldn't think anything other than that everything in my life is wrong. I'm not supposed to live in this house. I'm not supposed to be in college. I'm not supposed to be working at my job. Everything is all backwards, everything is horribly, horribly wrong and I need to find a way to escape this and fix it and make it right because every single thing I have done my entire life has been a mistake and this is just the first time that I have been clear headed enough to realize this.
I thought about the connection I had felt, realized that I couldn't find Squash River because it wasn't real, that the connection wasn't real either. It had all been a lie to prevent me from seeing the reality, the real truth.
At this moment I looked into the eyes of my boyfriend of 6 years, who I lived with, who I loved more than anything, and told him in 3rd person that I no longer wanted to be with him. He told me that that was alright. He got up, stood in the doorway and looked at me for a long while in silence, and then walked out of the room.
For what seemed like days at this point, that exact sequence of events replayed and replayed and replayed visually in a constant loop with full visuals and sound, just as if recorded on a video, rewound and played back. I tried to look away but I couldn't. The movements were choppy, every other minute at double speed, but I just could not get out of the loop. I tried so hard to just move or look away or do anything, but I then came to the realization that this was my new existence, that I had done something that I should not have done, that I had disrupted the flow and path between our two persons and my punishment was that my new consciousness would always be that moment. What I had just thought, about everything being backwards, maybe THAT was backwards and everything was right. What had I done? It was horror. I would never again go to sleep and I would never die or age, I would just exist forever in that moment, living in it until the world ended and my body crumbled with it, but my mind would always be in that place. The looping continued and continued and continued. I had ended it and I couldn't go back, this is my new reality. I wanted to accept it because I felt that accepting it was my only choice, but I could not. I wanted to scream and cry but I was immobile. It was impossible for me to think of this as 'just a trip'.
About 3 hours later I woke up, decided that I must have eventually fell sleep. My boyfriend was not in the house. I was tremendously unsure as to which parts that I remembered were real or imagined, or what I had really said to him. I found him outside looking at the stars, and he said to me that he now understood the ways that atoms bond, that he had seen the atoms in the leaves of a plant and could see them exchanging electrons and he now had a better understanding of the universe. I sat next to him and watched the stars, too. I asked if he remembered anything about the trip. He put his head in my lap and told me not to worry. I stroked his hair and after a while we fell asleep.
It was never the same between us after that. We ended the relationship and I moved out a few weeks later.
"Steve" and I have since gotten together. He now lives with me, and for the first time since that trip I am now growing again, but I fear taking them and experiencing a trip like that again. That was the only bad trip I have had, the others were wonderful. I haven't decided yet what I'm going to do, but that was my most intense trip and I'm relieved to have finally told someone about it.
-P
Edited by Peabody (07/28/09 10:27 AM)
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