Auto-SummaryThe movie Cloverfield received critical backlash, with the author expressing extreme dissatisfaction. The film's production cost of $4 million is questioned, with the author comparing this amount to a large quantity of chewing gum or laxatives. The camera work and dialogue are heavily criticized, with the author claiming the movie lacks originality and fails to deliver a satisfying conclusion. The film is described as a "joke" and a "monolithic steaming pile of fecal by-product." The author urges others to avoid Cloverfield and suggests alternative movies for original content.
I hated it so much I wrote a review.
Last night I had the insufferable pleasure of watching a movie that has been nominated "Movie of The Year" (who decides these things, I have no idea. But mark my word, should I find out... heads will roll)
What the FUCK was this movie? Who was in charge of this? What impossibly mentally defective fuckstain do I have to kill/maim/threaten to remove this trash from the shelves of video stores everywhere?
The only way this movie could possibly redeem itself would be if it were to be made into a series of movies, but guaging by the sheer fail of this movie, they would have a lot to make up.
I am talking about Cloverfield.
Later I was told that this movie cost upwards of $4 million dollars to produce.
Let's see
that is
$4 000 000 dollars. That is six zeros. That is four million packets of Extra, or 5 333 333.3* packets of Hubba Bubba. That money could have been better spent on buying four million packets of chewing gum, that would be fed to one hundred people, that would have a cataclysmic laxative effect, producing a tsunami-like apocolyptic tidal wave of diorrhea, which would be more desirable than watching this movie a second time.
Bitch please.
"Let's all run around like downy's and get paid for it!"The most annoying thing about this movie was the fat cunt in charge of the camera, running around screaming "ROB OH MY GOD ROB OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING ROB OH MY GOD COME BACK OH MY GOD ROB ROB ROB ROB ROB OH MY GOD" for about 58% of the entire film. The dodgy camera work and piss-weak dialogue poured into this visually infuriating piece of crap seemed to be a big key in the failed quest at "originality"
It still reeked of big budget bullshit and still had that cock-arsed American sentiment of "this movie is going to be the biggest and best evar and noone will ever top this nyah nyah nyah"
I cannot begind to put into words how much this movie sucked. Consider this a critique. The comments on the DVD cover said "Cloverfield will tear you out of your seat, toss you around in its mouth like a childs play thing and spit you out, leaving you breathless and gasping for more"
what it left me wanting more of was a gun and a list of everyone involved in the production of this abomination. If you can't tell I'm holding back my rage here, then there's something wrong. If I were to express my TRUE feelings about this movie, then this post would be the words
"FUCK YOU CLOVERFIELD"
in big fat capslocked bold, underlined AND itailc'd text for about two thousand paragraphs, clogging teh internets maynframz and causing your computer to die.
What has happened to originality? There was nothing original about this movie. It's like someone was given a $500 camcorder and instructed to sneak into the set of Godzilla and then run around like a downy screaming "ROB OH MY GOD ROB" over and over again.
The sad thing about it is the people who say that this movie was totally original and a breath of fresh air, fuck off, it was anything but. It was a joke, and where the fuck did they pull the name "Cloverfield" from? Was the monsters name Cloverfield? Is there something geographically I'm missing here? I'm sure there is, and someone will point it out to me soon enough. In which case, don't bother. I don't care. I want to hear nothing of this movie again. The only compliment I can give this movie is that it has the option where you can push "Eject" and return the disc to its cover, and then have the worshipful choice of never, ever, ever watching it again.
A guy said "it's just nice not knowing what's going to happen all the time, no predictability, no cued music to make you know when the scary shit is going to happen"
Ok, I agree, but at the same time... WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN THIS MOVIE? When the movie finished, you're not supposed to be left sitting there going "what the FUCK? I want my money back" you want conclusion, you want ending. You at least want an explanation as to why there is a fifty-storey tall PMS-addled dinosaur smashing its way around Manhattan shitting out little mini-me's everywhere that eat and kill you if you get bitten.
"But that's the best bit! You don't know because neither do they!"
Well, pfft, at least a epilogue or something would have been nice. Or another movie or piece of movie at the end, instead we are left with a bunch of whiny homo's sitting in a park crying to themselves and then the movie ends.
As for special features, don't bother. There was nothing special about this movie, which is a good explanation as to why the special features amount to zero.
If you want to see originality, turn on SBS at, say, 11pm on a Tuesday night. Go rent Blueberry, go see Greenwich Mean Time, take a camera and shove it up your ass and leave it filming for three days. I garuntee you that all of the above will be more original than Cloverfield will ever be, and until such time as you all understand this, I will be pioneering to make sure that the bastard asshole in charge of writing and directing this total monolithic steaming pile of fecal by-product is bankrupt by the end of the year.
To conclude, this film was basically a bunch of pissfags running around New York beating each other off and screaming incoherent drivel at each other and talking over the top of each other. You could do better
Edited by indica (06/25/08 01:46 AM)
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seriously though, it was a fucking awful movie. my friend thought it was great though - this is why we aren't friends anymore [among other things] but yeah, he is an idiot 
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