20 was alot more than a number. towards the latter months of my 19th year i began to develop significant alterations of perception. my thoughts began to race uncontrollably, dreams became terrifyingly vivid. when things were good i would experience what i would describe as streams or threads of a powerful reality strongly correlating concepts that dealt with the core of my insight. i experienced frequent visual alterations, i would notice certain colors that often carried a powerful emotional or mental symbolic meaning with the present.
for several months i experienced a strange numerological phenomena. i would see the number 23 at such a consistent rate that it was always on my mind. it would sound incoherent to describe how the number manifested itself into my reality but it was persistent. times where an understanding of anything beyond my own thoughts no longer danced freely. everyone around me was an extension of my functionally corrupt soul. i would hear nothing but derogative words from other people and i could think nothing different, beyond my control. i became physically unbalanced. i was tense, like a constant wince before you know something terrible is going to happen. for a while this was full force. but it evolved and i became aquainted with it. i spent all my time clearing my mind of all thoughts.
i would not write speak or think premeditated thoughts. an instance of a residue left from this was my horrifying experiences during class. it was my second year of college, i had no reason for being there. i believe the general term for what i experienced in the classroom and in other areas of the public colluseum was paranoia schizophrenia. i was utterly convinced that my thoughts were read and analyzed by everyone around me. it was as if they were superior beings whose every act was a disturbing comment on my thoughts. as a natural reaction i limited my thoughts as much as possible. no internal dialogue. i would enter into a deep trance. doing little more than breathing with my eyes slightly open. when asked to answer questions related to the material i felt like i had never seen the language before. the questions were all completely illogical when compared to what i was experiencing.
over time my actions became very purified. i started eating healthy, sleeping, spending close to nothing, and using almost no resources. i avoided electronics and most other non natural objects. they seemed to be destroying a great source of personal inspiration, which was the earth. at times i felt the intense beauty of the black and white nature of the universe that surrounded me. it did seem perfectly reasonable that objects of environment carried a supernatural aura. or as carlos castaneda
would describe as objects of dreams.
reading books is one of many things that had the power to drastically alter my surroundings for undetermined periods of time. i lived grapes of wrath. my surroundings carried the aura of a dusty old road. my surroundings carried an abnormally strong feeling of longing and a limitted residence in the rustic past. this was just one of many dreamlike visions that emerged from my imaginaton. i began to lose any sort of bonded relationship beyond humans sharing a beautifully intricate rock. for a long time i refrained from drinking and cut down on smoking because of how intense the highs were. it would magnify situations to unimaginable heights. i experienced intense feelings and emotions directly relating to my constantly fluctuating mental state.
during one powerful experience i acted upon thoughts of escaping into the life that beckoned me. one of utter simplicity, hermit like. for a while i had considered going away but listening to jimi hendrix's axis: bold as love really drove me over the edge. i had spent the day at the rock and roll hall of fame. i must add that whenever i attended really large events or monumental places i would feel like i was part of something extremely speacial. i always had the lingering thought that it would be just another short lived fantasy, but these experiences were reality. the objects and images seemed to be calling me. echoes from a wilder time with much more freedom. something during that day made me feel infused with all the historical significance of these artists who only represented a fraction of a monumental moment in the worlds history.
later that night i was in a car and had some terrible thoughts on where my future was going if everyone i knew carried some superior understanding of all the wickedness in my soul, these were truly nothing new. i drove to a small airport and using a credit card boarded a plane to chicago in the middle of the night with no luggage other than a bookbag with some books and a sketch pad. in chicago i proceeded to buy a ticket to honalulu hawaii. it was really a perfect storm of events that were always leading up to these intense beliefs that i was part of something. i thought i had left my cell phone in the car. but 15 minutes before the flight i received a cal from my parents asking where i had ended up over the night. shortly after this i returned my ticket an boarded my flight back home. during that night flying on planes my paranoia left me. i felt like i was supposed to go find myself thousands of miles away from all i knew. like most ups that i had experienced, they were short lived, but it did seem there were certain actions that would temporarily remove me from this unending chain of suffering.
time progressed and i ended up back in classes. i went on hunts for books on a multitude of topics including cubism for a class. the studies i did ended up carrying themselves into my dreams. the ideas and projects that i was completeing were purely conceptional. to be totally meaningless acts and inventions in a world packed dense with tricky overwhelming and unbelieveable meaning. i returned home for winter break just a week before my 21st birthday. i remember the social physical and mental distortions. i would see frightening perspective on those around me. extremely bizzare associations of character. sometimes even cartoonlike. while looking at people some would seemingly slip through time. it appeared that they were moving blurs. my philosophy was that human beings are so far detatced from a complete and beneficial understanding of all our senses that we are losing our ability to truly see. as a consequence human relationships are shallow and are often sealed into place through simple factors like economics and profession. our lifestyles are so dramatically different from one another.
during this long period of time i kept this entirely to myself. it seemed that admitting to it or speaking of the problem would only lead to more suffering. this was something that i had to live with. after a while those around me noticed a strong detatchment. my parents had me see a doctor. they asked me questions that from my perspective seemed highly rhetorical. i didnt know how to answer simple questions. i was afraid to look anyone in the eye. this visit to the doctor summer up how i responded to human for quite some time. i would rarely answer what was asked because i felt it had no meaning to what was actually happening in the room around me.
i was sent from the family doctor to the hospital where i was immediately checked into a completely locked down 6th floor psychiatric ward. they didnt have to tell me where i was. i knew. a strange man who checked me in asked me questions that i responded to with a hint of anger in my voice. i had no intention of being angry. he asked me what i would like in case i happened to lost it. i thought this was an insulting question. for i had been dealing with what ive tried to explain for over a year and never had i really completely broken down and lost it. i instinctively answerd fresh air. and he said that wasnt an option.
as i have said the time had changed me i firmly believed that i was being compelled to dratically change how i live for one last battle against everything that led to my rejection of modern man. i had no intention of taking pills but i was forced to. i experienced intense migrane headaches for days. then i turned 21.
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one love
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