The Argument Clinic
mathew
A reception desk in a sort of office building.
Receptionist: Yes, sir?
Man: I'd like to have an argument please.
Receptionist: Certainly, sir, have you been here before...?
Man: No, this is my first time.
Receptionist: I see. Do you want to have the full argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
Man: Well, what would be the cost?
Receptionist: Yes, it's one pound for a five-minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
Man: Well, I think it's probably best of I start with the one and see how it goes from there. OK?
Receptionist: Fine. I'll see who's free at the moment... Mr. Du-Bakey's free, but he's a little bit concilliatory... Yes, try Mr. Barnard -- Room 12.
Man: Thank you.
[...] The man knocks on the door.
Mr Vibrating:(from within) Come in.
The man enters the room. Mr Vibrating is sitting at a desk.
Man: Is this the right room for an argument?
Mr Vibrating: I've told you once.
Man: No you haven't.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I have.
Man: When?
Mr Vibrating: Just now!
Man: No you didn't.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did!
Man: Didn't.
Mr Vibrating: Did.
Man: Didn't.
Mr Vibrating: I'm telling you I did!
Man: You did not!
Mr Vibrating: I'm sorry, is this a five minute argument, or the full half-hour?
Man: Oh, just a five minute one.
Mr Vibrating: Fine. (makes a note of it; the man sits down) Thank you. Anyway I did.
Man: You most certainly did not.
Mr Vibrating: Now, let's get one thing quite clear... I most definitely told you!
Man: You did not.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.
Man: You did not.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.
Man: Didn't.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.
Man: Didn't.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did!!
Man: Look this isn't an argument.
Mr Vibrating: Yes it is.
Man: No it isn't, it's just contradiction.
Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.
Man: Yes it is.
Mr Vibrating: It is not.
Man: It is. You just contradicted me.
Mr Vibrating: No I didn't.
Man: Ooh, you did!
Mr Vibrating: No, no, no, no, no.
Man: You did, just then.
Mr Vibrating: No, nonsense!
Man: Oh, look this is futile.
Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.
Man: I came here for a good argument.
Mr Vibrating: No you didn't, you came here for an argument.
Man: Well, an argument's not the same as contradiction.
Mr Vibrating: It can be.
Man: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a definite proposition.
Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.
Man: Yes it is. It isn't just contradiction.
Mr Vibrating: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
Man: But it isn't just saying "No it isn't".
Mr Vibrating: Yes it is.
Man: No it isn't, an argument is an intellectual process... contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.
Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.
Man: Yes it is.
Mr Vibrating: Not at all.
Man: Now look!
Mr Vibrating:(pressing the bell on his desk) Thank you, good morning.
Man: What?
Mr Vibrating: That's it. Good morning.
Man: But I was just getting interested.
Mr Vibrating: Sorry the five minutes is up.
Man: That was never five minutes just now!
Mr Vibrating: I'm afraid it was.
Man: No it wasn't.
Mr Vibrating: I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more.
Man: What!?
Mr Vibrating: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
Man: But that was never five minutes just now... oh come on! (Vibrating looks round as though man was not there) This is ridiculous.
Mr Vibrating: I'm very sorry, but I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
Man: Oh. All right. (pays) There you are.
Mr Vibrating: Thank you.
Man: Well?
Mr Vibrating: Well what?
Man: That was never five minutes just now.
Mr Vibrating: I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
Man: I've just paid.
Mr Vibrating: No you didn't.
Man: I did! I did! I did!
Mr Vibrating: No you didn't.
Man: Look I don't want to argue about that.
Mr Vibrating: Well I'm very sorry but you didn't pay.
Man: Aha! Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing... got you!
Mr Vibrating: No you haven't.
Man: Yes I have... if you're arguing I must have paid.
Mr Vibrating: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
Man: I've had enough of this.
Mr Vibrating: No you haven't.
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BoUnCy BaLL IS All SoUrCe OF LIGhT AnD HaPPiNeSS!!~! *bEEP* *beEP*
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My favourite python quote:
"Of course you don't get f*cking wafers with it you c*nt!"
From the Drury Lane version of the albatross sketch
--------------------
"You've got to get hold of the thread of marching time, pull the fuck thing down, get on the end of it and pang yourself to the infinitude of absolute mind"
Ken Campbell - Furtive Nudist
"The mystery of life is not a problem to be solved but a reality to be experienced" - Aart van der Leeuw
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