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InvisibleMOTH
Wild Woman
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Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,380
Loc: In the jungle
die
    #4635104 - 09/08/05 08:45 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

what does it mean when you consider suicide on almost a regular basis.

I don't think other people deserve the harm I bring upon them.

I can't stand being me.. I'm pretty much having a panic attack. I don't know what to do, where to go, or who to talk to. none of it all matters. I want to keep myself far away from everyone I love so that I can stop hurting them. So I hurt myself, hoping somehow I can make things right ??

If anyone only knew how much I hate4 myself right now. I don't even have a fear of death stopping me from doing it. I won't do it. I won't. But that's why I'm so upset. Because I won't. But I might try. Just for fun. Just to tempt myself a little. I don't know what I'm saying at this point. All I know is that I can't do anything right. I can't stand being myself for the harm I do to others. Like...I can feel what I do to them. And what is horrible is that I try to stop it but I never can...it's like two flip sides of myself are always warring. I'm just TIRED of being me...

and so here I am. I don't know what else to say. I am battling the urge to run away right now. I don't want to call anyone. I dont' want to talk to them. THey don't want to herrem e. I know this. I don't know what to do sometimes. I've been holding off making this post in here for MONTHS sincfe I am a mod, it would look bad for me to make a post like this? "what a wreck she doesn't deserve to be offering advice to others" -my mind

I don't know. I don't know. I can't stop crying. I am so at peace yet so distraught. How does this work. What is the point,w hat is the point, what is the POINT. To experience life, I know this, but what if I CHOOSE NOT TO EXPERIENCVE??!! It's my life, it's my fucking choice.

I feel so alone you guys...people reading this...I feel so isolated, so alone, even as I know we are all one. Maybe that is why I feel lonely...because there is only me.

I'd like to be so bad right now. I'd like to go to town on myself right now. I'd like to cause more harm to me. I don't even care. It doesn't matter, I've alredy done it today. I don't know.

Please don't hate me because of this post. Please don't. I don't think I can take it right now. I just want...I don't know, I just want to be listened to...I'm so sad right now and the worst part is that I don't even know what happened to get this way.


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Invisiblepeepeepottypants
Stranger
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Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 1,040
Re: die [Re: MOTH]
    #4635106 - 09/08/05 08:47 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

I understand EXACTLY how you feel.

Perhaps you can find solace in that?
And I think its probable that there are many other people that feel that way as well.
SO if one things for sure your not completly alone. Its sometimes its damn near impossible to realize the whats behind ones will to live when things when your in a place of complete anxiety and . But even if its not realized, remind yourself that as isolated as you are, you are not fully alone. Your state of mind does have a place of understanding.


Edited by peepeepottypants (09/08/05 09:07 PM)


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InvisibleRandalFlagg
Stranger
Registered: 06/15/02
Posts: 15,608
Re: die [Re: MOTH]
    #4635225 - 09/08/05 09:19 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

1.  What specifically is causing you to be so sad?
2.  What are you doing that makes you think you are harming people that you care about?
3.  Why do you hate yourself?
4.  Why can't you talk to Kevin or Kristi about stuff?

:heart:  :hug:


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OfflineWeAreAllOne
Opethian

Registered: 06/25/05
Posts: 2,649
Loc: Pennsylvania
Last seen: 11 years, 1 month
Re: die [Re: RandalFlagg]
    #4635234 - 09/08/05 09:21 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

I feel pretty much the same way sometimes.  All I can say is keep your

head up and it will get better.  It always does. 



And if nothing else, know that I and everyone else here love you Elle.

:heart: :heart: :heart:


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Invisibledblaney
Human Being

Registered: 10/03/04
Posts: 7,894
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Re: die [Re: MOTH]
    #4635274 - 09/08/05 09:29 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Your beauty is so bright that I can barely see!

Sounds like you have a good idea what's troubling you, now you can start to deal with it in some way.

I believe in total personal autonomy, but remember...once you're gone, you can't come back. Ever. FOR ALL OF ETERNITY

No one will think less of you for a post like this, don't be silly...if anything I have a greater respect for you because you are able to be entirely honest. Not many people can say that of themselves.

If you want to hurt yourself, then do so. If you want to cry, then do so. Let all your emotions be free!

Once you're done with that, try reading Be Here Now again.


--------------------
"What is in us that turns a deaf ear to the cries of human suffering?"

"Belief is a beautiful armor
But makes for the heaviest sword"
- John Mayer

Making the noise "penicillin" is no substitute for actually taking penicillin.

"This country, with its institutions, belongs to the people who inhabit it. Whenever they shall grow weary of the existing government, they can exercise their constitutional right of amending it, or their revolutionary right to dismember or overthrow it." -Abraham Lincoln


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InvisibleDoctorJ
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 Arcade Champion: Frogger

Registered: 06/30/03
Posts: 8,451
Loc: space
Re: die [Re: MOTH]
    #4635339 - 09/08/05 09:46 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

what does it mean when you consider suicide on almost a regular basis.




it means that you are open to the wide band of possibilities, as opposed to confining yourself to that narrow spectrum of disneyland happy joy.  Its risky business, I know, but it can also be very enlightening.  Consider the novelty of the range of emotions you experience.  If you were happy all the time, I bet an intelligent girl like you would be bored as hell. 

remember that the essence of an interesting story is conflict, and i know that we all want our lives to be interesting stories.  So suck it up, take the bad with the good, acknowledge your sadness, and your anger, but always have the will not to act on the extreme implications of those negative emotions.  realize that negative feelings are normal and dont beat yourself up for having them.  just ride it out, and use the experience as fuel for growth. 

hope I was of some help
:heart:


--------------------
peace, pot, and microdot!


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InvisibleVirgilKane
Miner for truth and delusion
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Registered: 05/17/05
Posts: 1,131
Loc: lowdown
Re: die [Re: MOTH]
    #4635397 - 09/08/05 10:01 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

I've been holding off making this post in here for MONTHS sincfe I am a mod, it would look bad for me to make a post like this? "what a wreck she doesn't deserve to be offering advice to others" -my mind




I think THIS is why you make the great Mod that you are and the shining light that you have become to me here at the Shroomery. Because you do have real feelings just like everyone else here and can really relate to where people are coming from. To me the definition of a mod isn't someone who is this ideal of perfection in society's eyes, it's someone like your who meets that definition in the eyes of the people where it counts...us.

That goes for the definition of perfection that you may hold for yourself too.

You may feel that you're hurting others just by being you right now, but if you hurt yourself, the hurt that you cause them will be very real.

Quote:

I don't even have a fear of death stopping me from doing it. I won't do it. I won't. But that's why I'm so upset. Because I won't. But I might try. Just for fun. Just to tempt myself a little.




I've felt like this many times before and one saying always came to my mind in the end and really made sense to me. "to bleed just to know you're alive"

Be good to yourself sweet girl. You may feel like we're "people reading this", but all I know is that you've become a part of my life here and your kind words and personal advice have helped me tremendously. You are needed and loved!


--------------------
Absense of evidence is not evidence of absense...

"Religion is a defense against a religious experience"
              Carl G. Jung

 
"So really, ordinary reality is a kind of chemical habit, sanctioned by culture, which says it's okay to use certain drugs, eat certain foods, and have certain sexual behaviors. However, when you transcend all this pre-conditioning by returning to the original wisdom of the animal body, then you discover this immense dimension of opportunity. For some people, it is a frightening risk. To me, that's the psychedelic experience."
Terence McKenna


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InvisibleHELLA_TIGHT
Madge the Smoking Vag
Female User Gallery
Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 84,350
Loc: Afghanistan Flag
Re: die [Re: MOTH]
    #4635466 - 09/08/05 10:17 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Breathe! Everything is good!

:smile2:


--------------------




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InvisibleToolTroll
tourettic
Male User Gallery

Registered: 08/02/04
Posts: 2,326
Loc: N. Cack
Re: live [Re: dblaney]
    #4635472 - 09/08/05 10:18 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

dblaney18 said:
Your beauty is so bright that I can barely see!


No one will think less of you for a post like this, don't be silly...if anything I have a greater respect for you because you are able to be entirely honest. Not many people can say that of themselves.




Fer sure, you poured your heart out in this post, and I feel for ya. :heart: :peace: I don't think you should hurt yourself, though. Talking and/or writing is my best advice. You just gotta let it out, write it down, put it on the table and step back and look at it. Good luck!  :cool:


--------------------
"This whole idea that different is bad, that a change in consciousness is in itself harmful, is really one of the fundamental problems inherent in the drug war.” - Rick Doblin
my cactus collection
You vote with your dollars. Everyday. Vote responsibly.


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Offlinebrowndustin
dustybuddy

Registered: 10/03/03
Posts: 2,957
Last seen: 3 years, 28 days
Re: die [Re: VirgilKane]
    #4635475 - 09/08/05 10:19 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Ellmy, you have no reason to feel that way. You've had far better times, I can tell from your posts. There's no point of feeling this way. You have the capacity and strength to truely feel, and make things better. You'd just kind of lost your jive right now, and sometimes people do.

Feel better, eh. Don't deny your feelings as well. Don't be afraid to let your raw emotions do as they will, because they will. So don't forget to feel good again. :mushroom2:


--------------------
When the stress burns my brain it's like acid raindrops
maryjane is the only thing that makes the pain stop


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InvisibleRavus
Not an EggshellWalker
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Registered: 07/18/03
Posts: 7,991
Loc: Cave of the Patriarchs
Re: die [Re: MOTH]
    #4635705 - 09/08/05 11:18 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

The more advanced the mind, the more it will suffer.

But I wouldn't recommend killing yourself Elle; every time you overcome suicide, do you not strengthen? Why do you think you're different from most people? Your thoughts and depth are not part of the normal herd conformity, but you must accept the good with the bad and simply try to grow from all of it. Life is hard, sometimes harder than what we imagine death to be; but the good thing about life is that it always continues and changes. Your darkest moments now will turn into experience later, and you'll be able to relate to others as your mind brightens. Perhaps your mind is just purifying itself, or perhaps there's something stuck in you that you don't want to get rid of, but either way death is not the best method by any stretch of the imagination.


--------------------
So long as you are praised think only that you are not yet on your own path but on that of another.


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Invisiblep4kSouL
Animals Are Cool
Registered: 01/13/05
Posts: 3,666
Re: die [Re: Ravus]
    #4635898 - 09/09/05 12:07 AM (11 years, 8 months ago)

EllemyshShade listen, the mind is a very powerful thing. Your need to change the way you think, this is obviously not working for you. You going to need to learn how to reintegrate your mind. Check your pm I want to talk to you.


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InvisibleMOTH
Wild Woman
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Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,380
Loc: In the jungle
Re: die [Re: p4kSouL]
    #4636311 - 09/09/05 01:40 AM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Words can't express how I feel at reading the replies, thank you everyone.  I'm definately not suicidal...not really.  Sometimes I just get fed up with life and think about it as an option.  You see, there is nothing stopping me now if I choose it.  In previous years my fear of hell kept me from going all the way, but now I fear nothing like that, so it's like I have the freedom to do it if I choose to.  This makes me feel very powerful and vulnerable at the same time. 

Everything in me fluctuates in extremes.  Doctors have called me bipolar but I will not define myself like that.  It is my goal to live in between these extremes, to strike an internal balance.  I've been doing well lately.  I haven't freaked out in awhile and I attribute this to keeping busy at my new job.  It's been good for me, working full time and talking to new people every day.  Today I feel like I slipped on a banana peel.  Somehow I chose to let myself get worked up.  Work was stressful, and maybe I realized it isn't going to be perfect and fun all the time.  I don't know.  I got stressed and things just snowballed.  I'm fine.  I feel pretty level right now.  I work tomorrow and then I'm off for the weekend. 

Every time it happens I feel a lot of shame afterwards.  I can barely look my husband in the eye.  Once I calmed down a bit I talked to him and we tried to make sense of what I was feeling and why, and how I can better deal with it in the future.  I felt 100% better after talking to him, like always.  Sometimes I conceal how I feel from him for his protection, but he always finds out eventually. 

It's weird because my life consists of constant strategies and schemes to outwit and overcome myself from myself.  Earlier I was freaking out over nothing, which happens to me less and less as I get older but it still happens occasionally.  When I'm in that mindstate it's like EVERYTHING changes.  All the promises I've made to myself, all the goals I've resolved to keep and all the commitments I made to others...they vanish and all I want to do is damage myself.  It almost seems animalistic at times, a very primitive way of coping with emotions.  And then as soon as it comes it disappears again, leaving me an exhausted wreck. 

I know that I made things appear very, very BAD in my first post, and at that moment they FELT *very* very* bad, but I was freaking out over nothing.  I don't hate myself, I just have no confidence in myself about anything.  It's the underconfidence I hate, not ME exactly. 

To be honest, I'm happier now in my life then I've ever been.  Things are good.  I just stumbled a bit earlier...I don't know.  Really, I can't think of a good reason why I would explode like that.  Sometimes I think I secretly enjoy doing this to myself which is a hard thing to admit. 

Thanks for reading and replying guys...I've missed talking to all of you.  I guess I've intentionally isolated myself from the Shroomery.  I thought people were getting sick of reading my posts...it's that underconfidence thing again.  I know you guys are my friends. :heart: I can be pretty ridiculous at times. 

I love you all


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Offlinepuwtrip
spirit molecule

Registered: 03/16/05
Posts: 203
Last seen: 1 year, 8 months
Re: die [Re: MOTH]
    #4636488 - 09/09/05 02:14 AM (11 years, 8 months ago)

hello there elleme. i wrote this earlier today and i couldn't figure out why. i didn't intend to share it, but maybe it will help you:

its amazing i sit here. i know what i must do. yet i refuse to do it. why? because i'm preoccupied with living, with continuing a meaningless existance doing nothing instead of moving towards the mission and dealing with the tasks that follow on that journey.

my mission is to remember feelings. to be able to undergo some external condition and reliving some joy within then later being able to hold onto that joy once again wihtout the event occouring. this used to be the case. i no longer feel. it happens and so the pleasure (or displeasure?) leaves with it, never to return? my memory is fading and so are my feelings.

i know i must seek them. how? i am not so sure, but i have some clues. i must follow the clues. when? i say tomorrow though i know this stuff i do today, looking to buy items to fill a room with no meaning, whishing to make some life out of a dream is all useless.

its like being in a room. you have toys to play with and they interest you. so you sit down and spend time with the toys. but there is one door. you dont know where it'll lead or maybe you do. yet you play with the toys. there is no purpose to the playing, unless they inspire you once you leave the door. and you play and play and play.. when will you open that door? when will you follow the new path?

that is my dillema. i remember the mission. then i forget. i must reach the door. but i am preoccupied with the toys. but, are they really toys or dreams? are they physical or did i invent them? they could be real, but are they really in my room? is it really my room? why am i there? why am i so attracted to the toys. i know they won't last. once i'm done with one i move onto the other. when will i open the door? when there are no more toys to play with? are the toys really there?

what about my mission? why are you talking about a room with toys. where is my mission? where are my clues?

now its time for me to masturbate and to research an lcd projector which i will probably never end up buying.


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OfflineSpooge
The Nutter
Registered: 04/21/04
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Re: die [Re: MOTH]
    #4636631 - 09/09/05 02:56 AM (11 years, 8 months ago)

You are one of my favourite people.  I get so sad thinking about you feeling down.  :heart: 

And you're not harming me.  If anything, knowing that people like you are actually out there, makes ME not kill myself.  For real.

:heart:

Only advice I can offer is....tommorrow's another day.  And if I could, here's this...*hug!!!*


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OfflineLocus
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Re: die [Re: MOTH]
    #4636781 - 09/09/05 03:49 AM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Well i think most people know this already, but Im still very suicidal. Luckily, I've somehow managed to stick this out even still. I choose to believe that I should be here though and that there is a reason for all of this... to learn and experience and... ? I have to believe that there is a plan for myself and that I was placed in such difficult situations so often in my life for specific reasons that I am just not aware of right now. Without believing I have nothing.

Believing that this life is only temporary and that I will leave this body and continue to expand my consciousness and grow as my true self, the soul, brings me some comfort. Especially physical pain wise because my physical body has permanent HORRIBLE pain that I cannot change. Since I am still stuck in this horrible situation that I am in and there's isn't anything that can change my situation the only thing that is slightly giving me hope and/or comfort right now is my belief in soul existing and "living" outside the physical and that i can attempt to prove this while i am still here.

By researching OBE's/astral projection as well as dreams and the subconscious realm and the possibilty of gaining insight and higher consciousnesses while I am still here living this life in the physical I may be able to improve my life here in this body  and actually change what seems to be unchangeable with the insight of my higher consciousness. This is the only hope I have, so I have to believe or I have nothing.

Also thinking about the uncertainty of suicide and how I may just be making myself even worse off or setting myself back somehow by not completing the human experience makes me also think twice.

But because I experience various degrees of mental and physical pain at levels nobody should have to feel fairly often whatever path i take that is unavoidable as far as I know with my self consciousness and I can only take so much horrid pain I can't say that I won't kill myself.

Well, it actually feels not too bad to get my current mindset out, vaguely but whatever. Eh... :frown: :smile: :frown:


--------------------

The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery every day. Never lose a holy curiosity. ~ Albert Einstein
"Fear is the great barrier to human growth." ~ Dr. Robert Monroe



~~~*Dosis sola facit venenum*~~~

*Check my profile to listen to my music* :smile:


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InvisibleAdden
Sandcastle in the Sun
I'm a teapot User Gallery

Registered: 06/04/03
Posts: 36,548
Loc: Amongst the Dunes
Re: die [Re: MOTH]
    #4637239 - 09/09/05 11:16 AM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Don't go, Elle.

You have too kind of a heart :hug:

Don't beat yourself up. You're a beautiful soul and a beautiful person.

Most people feel this way at some point, or many points, in their life.

I'd hate to see you disappear into the annals of the Shroomery archives. :sad:


--------------------



Outdoor Mushroom Cultivation


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InvisibleHeavyToilet
The Heaviest OfThem All
Male

Registered: 08/06/03
Posts: 9,458
Loc: British Columbia
Re: die [Re: MOTH]
    #4637401 - 09/09/05 12:24 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Sometimes I wonder if the end will be worth it.

Will the bullshit and pain really ever end? I think we just trick ourselves into thinking 'things will get better'. It's one problem after another. They never end. What happens if you work away your entire life, one shitty day after another, only to end up old, crippled, then die and rot in a grave? Would the bullshit be worth it?

I doubt it.

And what happens if we accomplish what we want to? What then? We piss away time doing insignificant shit until it's all over? That drove me nuts when I was on mushrooms. But it's true.

I don't know if I can live the rest of my life knowing I'm going to end. It's going to happen and there's nothing I can do about it. It makes me nervous. It makes me angry. It makes me want to end it right now... the anticipation of the end is ridiculous.

Logic suggests there is no afterlife. Wouldn't that be amusing? Living a life full of hatred and self pity only to die and have your consciousness ended?

Maybe that's why people believe in religion. I know I'd feel a lot better if I started believing we go into some kind of 'happy land' and stay there for eternity when I die. Hah. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!

What a fucking joke. What a fucking joke.


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OfflineLocus
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Re: die [Re: HeavyToilet]
    #4637438 - 09/09/05 12:35 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

I know man, it's sad. What you say is just as relevant as anything else. Eternity of pain or living an entire life of pain and then just dying are both pretty scary thoughts. We may just all be pawns to be played with. Who knows... :frown: I choose to be more optimistic otherwise i will kill myself though. its too depressing when i think of such things. i dont know man. its all fucked up.


--------------------

The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery every day. Never lose a holy curiosity. ~ Albert Einstein
"Fear is the great barrier to human growth." ~ Dr. Robert Monroe



~~~*Dosis sola facit venenum*~~~

*Check my profile to listen to my music* :smile:


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InvisibleHeavyToilet
The Heaviest OfThem All
Male

Registered: 08/06/03
Posts: 9,458
Loc: British Columbia
Re: die [Re: Locus]
    #4637459 - 09/09/05 12:41 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

I think it's funny that we were made to be able to realize that our lives are completely pointless, and probably not even worth living.

How delightfully ironic. It brings a smile to my face.


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