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InvisibleZippoZM
Knomadic
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Registered: 06/17/03
Posts: 13,227
Loc: Pongyang, North Korea
i feel empty inside.... and have lost my lust for life.
    #3495201 - 12/14/04 01:54 AM (11 years, 11 months ago)

yes its true sadly.......
lately i have been feeling empty inside, numb i would call it, even my senses are dulled.

i vowed long ago that i would keep living life with its ups and downs and not to fallback into the stagnant waters of numbness but alas i am here again.

i moved to a new city a month ago, milwaukee, and i havent really done that much in my time here except spend most of my money on food and rent...
(this is my first time living away from home)
im now trying to tie down a place to live after dec31 and i dont have anything solid as of yet.

my sole means of income are the following, selling glass pipes which i blow, and snow plowing, and while i can sell a few pipes here and there it dosent cover my expenses.
as for the snow plowing, well... it has only snowed once. im afraid that it wont snow untill after i cant pay my rent and put me out on my ass.

i think that this is depression, i used to be horribly depresses, and i cant remember what it used to gffeel like. alli remember is that no matter how much life sucked, i secretly loved being numb to the world. the cold comfort of knowing that you wont feel anything different bad or good.

i got high for the first time in a few weeks today it was nice i felt good for a while, as in i actually had energy to do somthing, if it was only to go to the store and buy food.

i want to get out, do somthing diferent for a change, maybee ill set up my turn tables on my trunk on wisconsin avenue, that would fel nice. pass out cd's or somthing, anything to break up the monotony of this dayly in and out of nothingness.

im being eaten alive by my own soul here, i debate over weather a trip would be good for me, i ate half a gram over a few hours a week or 2 ago just to re-familiarise myself with the other side.

id just dont know.

its so odd, even my senses of touch are weaker than before... so odd.

any response to this would be very welcome especially form anyone who has gone through this sort of struggle themselves.
thanks


--------------------
PEACE

:mushroom2:zippoz:mushroom2:



"in times of widespread chaos and confusion, it has been the duty of more advanced human beings - artists, scientists, clowns, and philosophers - to create order. In such times as ours however, when there is too much order, too much m management, too much programming and control, it becomes the duty of superior men and women and women to fling their favorite monkey wrenches into the machinery. To relieve the repression of the human spirit, they must sow doubt and disruption"

"People do it every day, they talk to themselves ... they see themselves as they'd like to be, they don't have the courage you have, to just run with it."


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InvisibleRavus
Not an EggshellWalker
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Registered: 07/18/03
Posts: 7,991
Loc: Cave of the Patriarchs
Re: i feel empty inside.... and have lost my lust for life. [Re: ZippoZ]
    #3495256 - 12/14/04 02:02 AM (11 years, 11 months ago)

It happens to everybody, as the usefulness of a window comes from the use of the absence of a window. If you were happy all the time, then you would not appreciate it as much, and it would just become the regularity. Remember that this is only temporary, and when it ends you will be that much more grateful for the matter

Also, perhaps a steady job and more friends in this new area of your life will cheer you up. As for tripping, unless your intuition tells you otherwise, I would recommend dealing with your current emotional issues before visiting that land again


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So long as you are praised think only that you are not yet on your own path but on that of another.


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Offlinekadakuda
The Great"Green".......East
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Registered: 05/21/04
Posts: 7,048
Loc: Asia
Last seen: 3 months, 21 days
Re: i feel empty inside.... and have lost my lust for life. [Re: ZippoZ]
    #3495277 - 12/14/04 02:06 AM (11 years, 11 months ago)

soudns like my past bouts with depression a little. dont knwo what to say as everyone i have spoken with fealt diffenet and had different solutions. but that in itself can help. other people with depression jsut sharing and talking can often help.


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The seeds you won't sow are the plants you dont grow.


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InvisibleAbstractHarmonix
Love is like a train...
Female

Registered: 07/09/04
Posts: 3,509
Loc: The Sea
Re: i feel empty inside.... and have lost my lust for life. [Re: ZippoZ]
    #3495282 - 12/14/04 02:07 AM (11 years, 11 months ago)

Depending on your sun sign, I would say either...

A- start meeting poeple around your area, possibly shroomerites :wink: And if there isnt a complete reason of you needing stability, start traveling!  It is a great release.  Turn your depression into expression through travel, art, music...

Cheer up kiddo!  Let this down get outta your crown and hit the town!


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A plethora of music aspirations control my temptations of future revelations beyond "now". The percussion, and the heart beat of my love and devotion. The rhythm goes beyond, prying into the third eye, releasing the creativity held so far inside. The melodicies, through the out of tune pianos and broken classical guitars...there lies a beauty. A beauty as prevelent as the fire inside. To release these energies is pure ecstacy, to deveop these gifts is sacred. The vocality, so pure as can be, shying away from herself, lies within me. For the underlying serenitity, this is what I live for. I plea for harmony, and nothing more. Music equals love. Creation of love leads to the procreativity of the World, and it's spirals and puddles prevailing.


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InvisibleZippoZM
Knomadic
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Registered: 06/17/03
Posts: 13,227
Loc: Pongyang, North Korea
Re: i feel empty inside.... and have lost my lust for life. [Re: kadakuda]
    #3495322 - 12/14/04 02:15 AM (11 years, 11 months ago)

the fact of thee matter as for a normal job.... i cant do it. well its more complicated.
about a year ago i swore that i would never again work for anoyone else ever again, that i would only work for myself.it worked for a while mowing lawns and being a street pizza seller i made all cash and atleast $30 a day setting my own hours and so on.
with some capital i had ben given i bought a snow plow and signed contractw with a few people some of my family as well all of this in the chicago suburbs. then i moved to milwaukee when it snows i have to drive 100 miles back home to pplow, which is allright so far i have been averaging about $400 and thats the minnimum i can make for a trip back.

now you might say just mocve back to chicago but i refuse to go back there ever again, i hate the people in my town, and half of the people i used to call friends have ripped me off and or screwed me over, and theres nothing i can do about it except rob them and destroy their cars which i refuse to do.
so i decided to leave all of that and the life style that went along with it. surronded by drugs and drama, among othe4r thing i dont want in my life.

new friends i have a little troubble with, meeting people that is, although i have managed a few in the month i have been here.

lately at night i feel weird, sick almost i nd i fight sleep till the early morning hours because im afraid that if i go to sleep i might not wake up, it only happens every now and again though...


--------------------
PEACE

:mushroom2:zippoz:mushroom2:



"in times of widespread chaos and confusion, it has been the duty of more advanced human beings - artists, scientists, clowns, and philosophers - to create order. In such times as ours however, when there is too much order, too much m management, too much programming and control, it becomes the duty of superior men and women and women to fling their favorite monkey wrenches into the machinery. To relieve the repression of the human spirit, they must sow doubt and disruption"

"People do it every day, they talk to themselves ... they see themselves as they'd like to be, they don't have the courage you have, to just run with it."


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InvisibleZippoZM
Knomadic
 User Gallery

Registered: 06/17/03
Posts: 13,227
Loc: Pongyang, North Korea
Re: i feel empty inside.... and have lost my lust for life. [Re: ZippoZ]
    #3495326 - 12/14/04 02:17 AM (11 years, 11 months ago)

im a scorpio, and the one thing i love to do is travel, unfortunately i ccant go far, because if it snows i have to be in chicago, and the forecasters are never right long enough in advance


--------------------
PEACE

:mushroom2:zippoz:mushroom2:



"in times of widespread chaos and confusion, it has been the duty of more advanced human beings - artists, scientists, clowns, and philosophers - to create order. In such times as ours however, when there is too much order, too much m management, too much programming and control, it becomes the duty of superior men and women and women to fling their favorite monkey wrenches into the machinery. To relieve the repression of the human spirit, they must sow doubt and disruption"

"People do it every day, they talk to themselves ... they see themselves as they'd like to be, they don't have the courage you have, to just run with it."


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InvisibleNoetical
Flip Horrorshow

Registered: 11/28/04
Posts: 9,230
Re: i feel empty inside.... and have lost my lust for life. [Re: ZippoZ]
    #3495422 - 12/14/04 02:48 AM (11 years, 11 months ago)

It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything


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Invisibleblink
eye of horus
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Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 03/31/02
Posts: 11,343
Loc: Geographic Location (Stat...
Re: i feel empty inside.... and have lost my lust for life. [Re: Noetical]
    #3495662 - 12/14/04 04:09 AM (11 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

noeticbuzz said:
It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything




are you a minimalist?


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InvisibleNoetical
Flip Horrorshow

Registered: 11/28/04
Posts: 9,230
Re: i feel empty inside.... and have lost my lust for life. [Re: blink]
    #3495764 - 12/14/04 05:00 AM (11 years, 11 months ago)

Just been sleeping sporadically for two days and dealing with something quite similar.

Don't know much about minamilism

I can't think write now chemical briain imbalance, sorry


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InvisibleZippoZM
Knomadic
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Registered: 06/17/03
Posts: 13,227
Loc: Pongyang, North Korea
Re: i feel empty inside.... and have lost my lust for life. [Re: Noetical]
    #3495780 - 12/14/04 05:05 AM (11 years, 11 months ago)

im sure alot of this has to doi wiht the massive amounts of anti-depressants/ add/ adhd medication i was forced on since fourth grade till i was 18... and if i didnt have a chemical imbalance then i sure do have one now......

was of this moment 4:00 am im feeling filled with a buz from drinking... im recording a new demo jazzy funky dnb shit....
and im high. im probably going to start filling myself wiht drugs again to avoid feeling like shit.... which i dont really have too much of a problem with, but it will become a problem alter down the line...


--------------------
PEACE

:mushroom2:zippoz:mushroom2:



"in times of widespread chaos and confusion, it has been the duty of more advanced human beings - artists, scientists, clowns, and philosophers - to create order. In such times as ours however, when there is too much order, too much m management, too much programming and control, it becomes the duty of superior men and women and women to fling their favorite monkey wrenches into the machinery. To relieve the repression of the human spirit, they must sow doubt and disruption"

"People do it every day, they talk to themselves ... they see themselves as they'd like to be, they don't have the courage you have, to just run with it."


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InvisibleNoetical
Flip Horrorshow

Registered: 11/28/04
Posts: 9,230
Re: i feel empty inside.... and have lost my lust for life. [Re: ZippoZ]
    #3495794 - 12/14/04 05:16 AM (11 years, 11 months ago)

Man I was on some stuff called effexor becaue I had a mental breakdown and it didn't do anything for my depression accept make it worse and up my anxiety

I feel like a shell of something right now


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InvisibleZippoZM
Knomadic
 User Gallery

Registered: 06/17/03
Posts: 13,227
Loc: Pongyang, North Korea
Re: i feel empty inside.... and have lost my lust for life. [Re: Noetical]
    #3495837 - 12/14/04 05:43 AM (11 years, 11 months ago)

ha effexor, i was on that t different times
the second time i was put on it the same day i stopped taking welbutrin i had muscle spazims for 3 days and ever since i hve had essential tremmor syndrome.
ive been on many others though depacote, ritalin, imipromine, buspar 2x, so many others i cant remember...... and they tell me that drugs are bad...


--------------------
PEACE

:mushroom2:zippoz:mushroom2:



"in times of widespread chaos and confusion, it has been the duty of more advanced human beings - artists, scientists, clowns, and philosophers - to create order. In such times as ours however, when there is too much order, too much m management, too much programming and control, it becomes the duty of superior men and women and women to fling their favorite monkey wrenches into the machinery. To relieve the repression of the human spirit, they must sow doubt and disruption"

"People do it every day, they talk to themselves ... they see themselves as they'd like to be, they don't have the courage you have, to just run with it."


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Offlinenonoman
ambassador
Male User Gallery

Registered: 06/25/04
Posts: 1,326
Loc: the wood
Last seen: 2 years, 11 months
Re: i feel empty inside.... and have lost my lust for life. [Re: Noetical]
    #3495839 - 12/14/04 05:44 AM (11 years, 11 months ago)

Hang tough, man. I like your priorities. I will agree with the post that said not to use psychedelics until squaring everything away, but you sound smart enough to know that.


--------------------


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Offlinenonoman
ambassador
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Registered: 06/25/04
Posts: 1,326
Loc: the wood
Last seen: 2 years, 11 months
Re: i feel empty inside.... and have lost my lust for life. [Re: nonoman]
    #3495842 - 12/14/04 05:46 AM (11 years, 11 months ago)

That post was directed at zippoz, btw. Too early to reply correctly...


--------------------


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InvisibleZippoZM
Knomadic
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Registered: 06/17/03
Posts: 13,227
Loc: Pongyang, North Korea
Re: i feel empty inside.... and have lost my lust for life. [Re: nonoman]
    #3495865 - 12/14/04 06:01 AM (11 years, 11 months ago)

yeah i know that, but really thogh im sure that they would help in this situation
even though i really dislike the way things are going it dosent really get to me...
a little about myself... i was sent away to rehab against my will when i was 17, 42 days in texas forced to hike many many miles a day wihth a full pack, sleeoping ion the rain hiking in the rain... knowing that i would not go home for over half a year, but that i would be in the custody of a corporation..., then after those 42 days i was sent to a rehab in mexico once again against my will where i weht through hell for 8 months before turinig 18 and having the leagl right to be homeless in the exoican desert which i was for 3 days before my parents arranged a plane ticket home for me....
i have been through hell and feeling depressed dosent ompaire to the hell i was feeling when i tried to kill myself in texas, and wasnt able to because what i was using to slit my wrists wasnt sharp enough to kill me, the one time i actually tried to die...
eating psychadelics.... as far as i can tell cant compaire to some of the things i have been through. hell abd back for 10 months of my life, where my parents were legally corporations...

oh any btw the place where i was at for 42 days in texas was shit down for killing a kid. it was called positive impact and was owned by a Brown Schools


--------------------
PEACE

:mushroom2:zippoz:mushroom2:



"in times of widespread chaos and confusion, it has been the duty of more advanced human beings - artists, scientists, clowns, and philosophers - to create order. In such times as ours however, when there is too much order, too much m management, too much programming and control, it becomes the duty of superior men and women and women to fling their favorite monkey wrenches into the machinery. To relieve the repression of the human spirit, they must sow doubt and disruption"

"People do it every day, they talk to themselves ... they see themselves as they'd like to be, they don't have the courage you have, to just run with it."


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InvisibleDark_Star
dick butterfly
I'm a teapot User Gallery

Registered: 08/21/04
Posts: 27,983
Loc: Under the Grecian fog
Re: i feel empty inside.... and have lost my lust for life. [Re: ZippoZ]
    #3498389 - 12/14/04 06:27 PM (11 years, 11 months ago)

  I feel you man, shit like this comes and goes, and as bad as it gets, it usually gets better. Just keep your head up and don't try to drwon it out, eventually something will happen that'll bring you out.  :hug: :laugh:


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Invisiblemecreateme
YoUisMEEMsiUoY
Male User Gallery

Registered: 05/13/04
Posts: 2,727
Loc: Memphrica
Re: i feel empty inside.... and have lost my lust for life. [Re: Dark_Star]
    #3498477 - 12/14/04 06:36 PM (11 years, 11 months ago)

Just keep truckin...
Stay away from the psychedelics too.
You should resolve to yourself to ride this hell train out until you feel better. Then you can look back and laugh at all of this sometime in the future, whenever that will be. It may come soon or it may take a long time but what matters is that it will happen sometime.
You sound like you have quite a life going, keep up with the music and just remember not to give in. You are your own worst enemy and that enemy is damn tough, damn tough.


--------------------
No ONE wants to know the ultimate TRUTH, as soon as YOU find IT out, YOU want to forget IT.

You are everything's way of feeling itself.

Happy Schwag, everygodly!


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InvisibleDark_Star
dick butterfly
I'm a teapot User Gallery

Registered: 08/21/04
Posts: 27,983
Loc: Under the Grecian fog
Re: i feel empty inside.... and have lost my lust for life. [Re: mecreateme]
    #3498500 - 12/14/04 06:39 PM (11 years, 11 months ago)

Psychedelics, as well as contact with the psychedelic culture is what brings me out of those states and makes me myself again......however, that's how I react, I can see the potential for the exact opposite to happen to people.


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Offlinedelta9
Active Ingredient
Male Arcade Champion: Plumber

Registered: 10/29/04
Posts: 5,390
Loc: California
Last seen: 6 years, 1 month
Re: i feel empty inside.... and have lost my lust for life. [Re: Dark_Star]
    #3498707 - 12/14/04 07:10 PM (11 years, 11 months ago)

Check your PMs. (well, in a few minutes, I'm still writing it ^_^)


--------------------
delta9


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InvisibleTYL3R
Male User Gallery

Registered: 11/19/04
Posts: 17,473
Loc: Chico
Re: i feel empty inside.... and have lost my lust for life. [Re: delta9]
    #3499183 - 12/14/04 08:18 PM (11 years, 11 months ago)

Carpe Diem


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