Auto-SummaryThe author attended an ayahuasca ceremony led by an indigenous shaman, where they drank the medicine over two nights and had a profound and transformative experience. The author had been preparing for the ceremony by setting intentions to release what no longer served them and processing a past abusive relationship with a therapist. The first night was marked by vivid visuals and a sense of euphoria, which helped the author feel more comfortable trusting the process. On the second night, the author asked for a stronger dose and was surprised by intense and overwhelming visuals, including feelings of transformation and disintegration. Despite initial fear, the author surrendered and eventually felt a sense of awe and humility at the experience. The author sees the medicine as a catalyst for inner healing and growth, emphasizing that the real work begins after the ceremony, and they are hopeful for continued change and growth.
Hiya friends! Please forgive the long post...I'm overdue answering questions about the ceremony I attended last weekend, so here's an update. It's still hard for me to share too many details of the journeys, as I'm still integrating and processing, and that is likely to take months, but I do want to share some stuff in broad strokes.
This was an ayahuasca ceremony led by an indigenous leader from the Amazon basin - people I have sat with before, though not with this specific shaman. It took place over two nights (from around 10 p.m. to 7 a.m. each night) and was held in a farm-like setting out in the countryside. About 50 people attended, maybe 10 of whom were facilitators.
The ceremony began with an opening chant in the indigenous language of the shaman, and there was constant chanting and singing throughout the night, sometimes with instruments like guitars and drums, and sometimes a-capella. We drank 2-3 cups of medicine each night, spaced a couple of hours apart, and it's common to divide the ceremony up in one's mind into "the first cup", "second cup", etc.
I did some intention setting going in, centered mostly around "putting down" what I no longer need to be carrying in my life. This year is a huge transitional year for me, and I'm anticipating a fairly bumpy ride, so I wanted to begin preparing myself to handle the changes coming up. I'm also processing some recent discoveries about an abusive relationship I had with a therapist when I was a teenager, and I think I needed a little help moving on from that.
Night One: The medicine was definitely stronger than I had experienced the other two times I drank Ayahuasca. There were very vivid closed-eye visuals and all sorts of visions, most of which were astoundingly beautiful, and there was a feeling of euphoria throughout. With most psychedelics, I am often amazed at the unending variety of visuals that my brain can produce on the medicine. All through the first night, I really was able to process a lot of what I noted above, and I emerged in awe of the power of the medicine, and felt truly blessed to have the opportunity to be there. It was a very humbling night. I had been incredibly anxious going in, but emerged feeling grateful that the medicine had been gentle with me. I definitely felt more comfortable trusting the process. I ate in the morning and then slept most of the day, preparing for the next night.
On night two, when I was offered the first cup of medicine, he asked me how strong a dose I wanted, and I said "a little stronger that last night" - I had asked for pretty gentle doses the first night - and he gave me about a half of a small Dixie cup (like 2/3 of a shot) sized cup to drink. During the first cup, the visuals and body high were fairly muted, compared to night one, and I even wondered if the process I'd been through on the first night had done its job, and the medicine was telling me that I was good - yet I knew there was still more to work on (isn't there always?). I meditated and tuned in on the music for most of that cup and felt great.
When it came time for cup number two, I indicated that the same dose was good for me, drank that again, and sat back down in my spot to meditate some more. Almost immediately, the visuals started up again and were vivid and intense like nothing I have ever experienced. One thing I have learned thus far in my medicine path is that in order to work through stuff, one has to engage with whatever is going on in ceremony. If there is a difficult door that opens, the work comes from walking through that door to what will eventually be the light on the other side. Fighting it off and white-knuckling it makes things much harder and has left me feeling let down and like the work is incomplete at the end of the journey. So when a slightly scary vision came to me (basically a beautiful but somewhat ominous and very psychedelic-looking forest), I said to it, "I am not afraid. I am curious about what you are...please show yourself to me." And then it was on.
The visions got more intense than I ever imagined they could. Physically, I experienced the most intense body high that I've ever known. I literally felt myself transforming into other forms – into an animal, or becoming a solid, crystalline structure. Eventually, I felt like I was disintegrating. It's difficult to describe exactly what happened, for how long, and when I saw, felt, and received. Suffice it to say that it was the most awesome display of psychedelic firepower (to borrow/paraphrase from 'Band of Brothers') I've ever witnessed. Eventually, it totally overwhelmed and consumed me, and I found myself saying to the medicine, "I surrender, I'm asking for mercy." It was just about too much after a while.
Mercy did not come right away. Opening my eyes revealed that the visuals persisted all around me (I often sit in meditation with eyes closed), and I had that not-so-unfamiliar fear that it was never going to end. But having had quite a few psychedelic experiences in the past, I knew that it eventually would, and I just tried not to fight it.
At the end of the 2nd cup, one of the female facilitators began to sing a couple of songs that were super sweet, beautiful, and mellow, and I think it really brought everyone in the room back. (up until then, the shaman leading the ceremony had been chanting and playing, and the music had been really intense for most of that cup.) The effects of that cup, while less intense at that point, persisted for me until the end of the night, and I didn't take a third dose.
I emerged at the end of the second night, feeling awestruck and totally humbled - like the medicine had torn me apart to some degree. But also with the feeling and knowledge that what I had experienced, while brought on by the medicine, had also come from within me. These medicines are called entheogens for a reason. They really do evoke the divine within us. One of the insights I am most struck by is the idea that these medicines heal us, but they do that by helping us help ourselves. They bring it out from within us. And that is truly awesome.
There is a lot more for me to process here, and I'm taking it slowly, just allowing what is there to be there. I know that the real work - the "other 50%" starts now, and I am hopeful that I'll continue to experience change and growth.
I'm happy to answer any questions, either here or by DM if you prefer.
I'm so grateful for this community, and for the friends I'm making here. Thanks for allowing me to share.
--------------------
-Noku
Eskawata kaya waikiki
HHG
"Shake it like you would a newborn baby" - BeefExtreme
    
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