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 Jacubey Wanna-be-cultivar    Registered: 08/19/20 Posts: 338 Last seen: 6 months, 4 days |
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Background
This is my first trip report, but my 6th time tripping. This trip was in late December last year. My 3 trips before this I'd been experimenting with rue + mushrooms. I did 2 grams + 3g rue, 4 grams + 3g rue, and 8 grams + 1.5 grams rue. None of those experiences come close to this one in intensity. The primary difference this time around was massaging the teabag every 5 minutes for 20 minutes, squeezing the contents in to the tea before continuing to steep it again. Obviously mushrooms have variable potency, but all of my rue+mushroom trips used mushrooms from the same flush, from a clone. Each of these rue trips had different preparations for the mushrooms though, so who can say what the primary variable was. I'm 6' tall, and ~220 lbs at the time of this trip. Preparation
People/Pseudonyms
Set/Setting Throughout the pandemic I'd been living with my brother who let me start my mushroom cultivation journey at his house. Prior to this, I'd never even tried mushrooms. Over the last few weeks I'd been tripping every Saturday while I experimented. This was the 5th weekend in a row that I'd done so. I'd also been performing DMT extractions and (poorly) preparing ayahuasca brews as well as growing marijuana. My brother, Joseph, is no stranger to drugs, but at this point I'd started to get self-conscious about maybe tripping too often. I'd been craving it regularly as an escape, and after spending my whole life afraid of all drugs this had been quite a turn for me. Throughout the preparation I was apprehensive about taking the mushrooms, but the friend I'd been regularly tripping with encouraged me and ultimately convinced me to go on with it. I didn't want to tell Joseph or his live-in girlfriend, Rose, I was doing it, due to the aforementioned self-conciousness. So I didn't. Big Mistake. Key Points:
Ingestion and come-up An hour before the tea is ready, Richard and I take our pre-measured doses of syrian rue via 000 capsules, Then begin preparing the tea. The tea smelled awful, as always, and after about 15 minutes of shooting the shit and the usual beating around the bush my friend and I do, we finally decided to nut up and chug the brew. We spend a few minutes loitering in the kitchen and playing with, this cool Euler's disk thing that I have. Within about 15 minutes I start feeling the effects, albeit lightly. This time around I expect a pretty visionary experience, so I tell my friend "I gotta go lay down" and rush to my room. He also had a guest room to stay in, so I didn't feel too bad about leaving him. Also, Richard and Joseph get along pretty well. About 30 minutes in, my vision is starting to blur when I look at lights, and I start to feel pretty intense anxiety. I take out my phone and message my girlfriend, Liz), with much difficulty and backspacing, "Richard and I took mushrooms again lol" followed by "I think I took too much". The words were already coming out of my screen, and my keyboard looked way too 3d. Muscle control was working just fine, but it was very hard to see where the keys for typing really were. She was busy at the time and not able to really get back to me. I get the idea to put on some music to help calm me down, but I was poorly prepared and struggling to get on youtube to find relaxing music just made my anxiety worse. When I finally did put something on, it was a bit too intense and further worsened the trip. At about this time, I start to hear Richard in the other room groaning... if you could call it that. Something between moaning and groaning, making repetitive noise every 5 seconds or so. He's out in the living room watching TV with Joseph, who by this time deduced that we'd taken mushrooms. Then I hear Rose walk in to the living room and start whispering to him, asking what's wrong with Richard. I interpret their whispering back and forth as frustrated whispering. In hindsight I don't know if it was the mushrooms or they were actually upset, but with my anxiety I knew they were upset. I hear them mention Richard tripping, me being in my room. Between the noises he's making out in the living room ostensibly upsetting them, and the whispers, I start to freak out. I hold myself together fairly well and walk out in to the living room. I tell my brother what we took, and how much, and that I'm really freaking out. He seemed fairly calm about it and replied with something to the effect of "Well, you guys have been slowly increasing dosage and experimenting fairly responsibly right?". Which was true. That helped a little. Joseph is playing halo 5 at this time, and the intensity of the bright explosions in it are hard to look at, the sounds exacerbating my anxiety. I don't like to be the one who tries to direct the entertainment prospects of the night, and especially not when I'm tripping with a friend unannounced. I didn't want to force my brother in to the position of trip-sitter, but it was just too much. I ask my brother to change to something else, and he pauses the game and turns off the TV for awhile, then asks what's going on specifically. I tell him "I'm scared, I feel like I'm going to die." Everything I knew about the safety of the drugs I took completely slipped my mind. I forgot the drug interactions between Syrian rue and mushrooms. At this point, I still have a small grip on my sanity and before I tell him anything else, I tell him very clearly "No matter what, do not call an ambulance or 911. We're fine," I say, "Can we just confirm that it is safe to take Syrian rue with mushrooms?". I start trying my damnedest to work through the logic out loud. I say "Syrian rue is an MAOI, which is safe because... No. Wait. Syrian rue is a RIMA, if it were an MAOI it'd not be safe, but its a RIMA so it's safe because it's reversible... or something..." and then I lose track of what I'm saying and start panicking. My brother starts to ask me "There's a website you've been going to, to learn about this stuff right? What's the website?" I tell him "The information is scattered and in a bunch of places. Half of it is wrong. Can you just google drug interactions between syrian rue and mushrooms?" He pulls up the Psychonaut wiki, and starts reading the page on Syrian Rue/Harmalas. I don't know which. The Psychonaut wiki calls it an MAOI (as far as I know that's wrong, harmalas are RIMAs), and has a long excerpt about dieting properly and causing hypertensive crisis or serotonin syndrome when mixed with mushrooms. He starts reading it out loud before trailing off near the scary parts. I know what he's saying is at least somewhat inaccurate and its just frustrating me. I can't tell why its wrong but I know it is. None the less, it scares me more. My brother asks, "can you just go vomit and prevent it from intensifying any more?" I tell him "No, we took the syrian rue almost 2 hours ago, and the mushrooms were in a tea. By now its all been absorbed." He finally says to me "You'll be ok I think, but it sounds like you're going to have to ride this out over the next 12 hours or more." I begrudgingly agree, and ask him to put something on TV. He puts MXC on the TV which again is a bit too intense (despite being a comedy show). Eventually he can sus out that it's still a little too much. I look over at Richard and say "Is it just me, or are you freaking out too?". He's been making that cyclical moaning/groaning this whole time, so I'm asking more to just make sure he's alright. He doesn't hear me. I tap him on the leg and he snaps out of it and looks at me, pupils dilated so big, it makes me wonder how I must look. I ask again "Are you freaking out as much as I am?" and he gives me a quick nod before going back in to his trance. My brother hands me a joint and tells me to smoke it to help calm me down. I walk to my room, faces coming out of the walls and floors, grab my blanket, and come back and get situated on the couch and smoke the joint. Vomit bucket nearby (which thankfully neither me nor Richard needed) Peaking Much of my memory is fuzzy from here. I feel so scared that I have visions of running out in front of a train to end it. I vividly imagine jumping off the roof to get it over with. I have visions of my friends mom crying on the phone hearing about his death. I have visions of my family being devastated about my own dying. I can see a reality where the cops are busting down the doors and finding all of my stuff for growing. My brother being incriminated for what I was doing. My families lives being ruined. My girlfriend and her son being left alone. These visions repeat for some time, at least a couple of hours. I do not know how long. At some point my brother remembers that I've been wanting to watch Princess Mononoke, because several people had recommended it to me. I remember being very thankful for him. I'm not a particularly emotional person, but at the time I was nearly brought to tears realizing that he cared, and that the people around me wanted me to be happy. I felt loved. This trip was 5 months ago now and even now I tear up remembering this for some reason. I remember none of the beginning of the movie. Periodically I tap Richard on the leg to make sure he's alright and to tell him we're OK, despite me still thinking we're going to die. All memory I have of him to this point is the repeated groan/moaning. I start to think about all the McKenna talks I've been listening to, and all the romanticizing of mushrooms he does. I start to think about how niche this all is, and how poorly researched psychedelics are. I start to think I'm going to be like this and broken forever, if I do survive. I get angry and start thinking to myself "Did I really think I'd gain some kind of enlightenment? Did I really think this crackpot knew what he was talking about? What the hell was I thinking? Why would I be so stupid? And then, I think I lost my sanity temporarily. I stopped getting agitated and angry about all this, and began to get excited. I tapped Richard on the leg and excitedly said "This is research! We're discovering new things about mushrooms and the brain! We've unlocked some secret to the bio-availability with the way we prepared the tea!," then I began to yell "People make movies about this kind of stuff! We're gonna be famous researchers!" Finally, i said "we need to write this all down" (so here we are, now  )And now, thinking back, my brother was either horrified, or endlessly amused with me. I'm not one to lose my marbles or have delusions of grandeur. I'm a generally humble person. Now here I am, talking about how great my mushroom "research" is, excitedly yelling in a tiny room about how we're gonna have movies made about us. Anyway, I still feel like I'm going to die at this point, but I'm somewhat elated about the idea that I've made some kind of breakthrough for humanity, and I begin to try to pay attention to the movie. I remember seeing very pretty drawings of landscapes, and beautiful music. My brother and I are big fans of the zelda series, and he'd routinely point out where there was crossover between the zelda games and the movie. Again I begin to start feeling a profound sense of being loved. I start to wish Liz was there with me, and I feel sad for Richard who, thus far, has been perpetually single. I start saying out loud how much I love my girlfriend, how pretty I think she is, and how I wish she were here. I'm still convinced I'm going to die, and I think I started losing my sense of ego. I confuse me being convinced I'm going to die, with my brother and everybody around me also thinking I'm going to die. Again I start to feel so loved, considering they'd put on such a pretty movie as the last thing I see before my death and eventually I find myself content with the idea that I may die. I only wished that Liz was there with me when I did wind up dying. Rose has had a cold for the last few months and is sniffling a lot. I interpret this as her crying because she thinks Richard and I are going to die. And I start chuckling and whispering to myself "she thinks I'm going to die". This is so amusing, that I realize I'm not going to die. In fact the idea of me dying is so absurd, it's kind of hilarious. I keep it inside though, aware that I'd seem crazy if I voiced this train of thought. I start to enjoy the movie, but I only remember sweeping shots of landscapes, and the music. I seem to remember the same section of the movie happening several times, repeating over the next hour. I suppose this might be time slicing. I watched the movie sober recently, and none of the scenes I remember repeating ever repeated a single time. Every time I hear the beautiful music and see the pretty landscapes, I think of Liz and wish she was there with me, I say out loud "It's so pretty. I wish Liz were here". This happens several times (I think). Eventually I lose track of the movie. I start thinking about getting caught with the authorities again and my anxiety spikes. I start having visions of them knocking down the door and sending me off to prison where I won't be able to take care of Liz and her son. And then I begin to have an epiphany. What matters to me in like is making them happy. I just want to be successful so I can house them and take care of them. I just want us to be happy together. Up until this time, I'd been fairly depressed about life being meaningless, and I think I was chasing highs looking for this insight. I think this is the most important part of my experience. I begin to experience more ego death, having, I think, an out of body experience. I am perceiving the world through my eyes, Rose, and Joseph's eyes all at the same time. We are all a single person. I'm fairly certain that if Richard was consciously present, I would've seen the world through his eyes too. I completely internalize the idea that we are the universe, experiencing itself. That time is an illusion. That we are everybody at the same time, just different perspectives of the same universal organism (or consciousness). Throughout all of this, apparently, I am in and out of consciousness. My brother tells me I was definitely not there consistently. I remember seeing pure white, with patterns and faces emerging, but no coherent vision during those times. In my longer moments of being present, I tap Richard who has continued his cycle of noises, and reassure him that we're alright, and that this has been something else. Eventually the movie ends. I think by this time it's been 4 hours of peaking. My brother puts on some memes, and Rose goes to sleep. My brother stays up with us til about 1am, bringing us water and making sure we're alright. I still can't get a conversation out of Richard. Eventually Liz shows up, and I'm grateful for her presence. I try to communicate what I can about the experience, but I do a poor job. Joseph goes to sleep, and Liz hangs out with us watching youtube memes for another 2 hours, til about 3am. I can tell Liz is frustrated that I'm too high to have sex, but I'm happy she's there with me, and she tells me she wishes she could've been there for me sooner. When she says this I think about Richard, and worry about him feeling lonely, so I try not to snuggle up with Liz too much. Eventually Liz leaves, and I think we start to come down. I get Richard one last glass of water before attempting to go to bed, exhausted. I slowly shuffle to my room, staring at the floor. There are constantly faces jumping out of the woodwork forming, melting away, reforming. When I make it to my room, it's more of the same. I try to turn the lights on, but then bright colors start filling the room with more faces coming out of nowhere. I turn the light back on, to ease the visuals, then lay down. I don't know how long I lay before falling asleep. I remember having bizarre dreams about giant mushrooms, and I remember insanely colorful spirals with faces popping out of them when I was awake with my eyes closed. Come Down When I wake up in the morning, there are still faces coming out of things. By now its been about 14 hours. The visuals have significantly slowed down, but I'm still on the come down. I have to drive Richard back home, about an hour away, then go visit my parents. I start to worry my brain is going to be broken forever, but those fears subside as the day continues. On the drive home, Richard doesn't talk much about his trip. He says it was amazing (to my surprise) and I recap what I saw of him. He says he doesn't remember any of that, but that it was awesome. I get Richard home safely, and just admire the minor visuals I'm still having while (foolishly) driving. By the 16 hour mark, the visuals are gone but I still feel "off". I think it's safe to say it was over, and was just experiencing after-effects. After this trip, It'd be another month before dosing again, and I haven't had any dose larger than 4g since. Takeaways/Integration What matters in this world is being happy, and making a positive impact on somebody else's life in the process. If you can be happy while making somebody else happy and not hurting others, you've done a good job. My relationship with my girlfriend and her son are most important to me, and I just want to help them live happy lives, while doing what I can to positively impact others as well. At some point in the trip I was angry that I was seeking some form of enlightenment via these weird chemicals. Evidently that anger was misplaced, because I at least learned something. Spirituality Prior to last year, I'd not taken many drugs, just smoked weed a little. I'd been raised a devout christian, and abandoned my faith by the time I became an adult. I'd been an atheist til trying DMT the first time, at which point I became more agnostic. Now, through my various trips, I'm pretty convinced that this life is fleeting, but something comes after. I'm fairly certain there's some universal consciousness, or some other source of consciousness outside of our bodies. Maybe it's delusional, I'm not fully convinced yet either. --------------------   
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Northerner Going back in time  Registered: 07/29/12 Posts: 18,347 Loc: Monkey Island Last seen: 10 hours, 29 minutes |
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Thanks for sharing your trip man, was interesting to read. Sounds very intense.
-------------------- We are the music makers, the dreamers of dreams.
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