This is a confession that I've written to my girl. We started briefly talking about the subject earlier today, but everytime I tried to say something, she interjected.
Sooo, I wrote this up and am going to read it to her later tonight. This way, I have a chance to explain my thoughts to her in a clear and concise manner without having her rebute everything I say.
So let me know what you guys think. If it's too harsh, too honest, or maybe too nice?
(I've changed the names for privacy reasons)
"S, I've liked you since the first time we met.
I remember us at B's apartment, talking about shrooms and psychedelics and the insight they can provide into life. I thought you were fascinating. You were optimistic, social, and intelligent; everything I wanted in a girl.
And even though I knew that something was there, we never became close. Instead I kept myself busy in life, too scared to open myself to you and make my heart vulnerable.
Of course with time, things happen. Eventually you hooked up with H and then with M.
When I heard you had slept with H and M, I felt a pain in my heart. I couldn't help but think "too bad". In my mind, I thought there was a chance we could have been together, but it seemed now that you were caught up with my friends. This all happened right around my first ten day retreat, and it was during that retreat that I realized I had strong feelings for you.
It was a painful realization though, because in my mind you were now off-limits because you had slept with two of my best friends. Part of me was actually a little surprised that you slept with M. I wasn't surprised about H because I knew J had been trying to hook y'all up, so it only seemed inevitable; but M was different. He's a quiet guy, with low self esteem and an odd set of social skills. Most girls I had known didn't see him as attractive, so I was curious what you saw in M that drew you towards him.
I couldn't help but wonder if you actually had feelings for either H or M, or if it was just casual sex. Either way, it seemed to me like you were making rounds among our circle of friends (which I now know is not what you were doing) and that made me feel somewhat odd. I wondered if it could have been me, instead of M that you hooked up with, had I just been more forward with my feelings for you. But I know that's not what I wanted. I never wanted to just have casual sex with you. I had always wanted more.
So later in the summer we started hanging out more. I started to rekindle my feelings for you. My feelings were more complicated this time around though. I wasn't sure how I felt about you having hooked up with two of my good friends. It didn't seem like you had any interest in them anymore, but I still couldn't help but wonder what had really happened between you and them.
Eventually my feelings became strong, and began tormenting me. I couldn't help but express how I felt about you. I was happy to know that you felt similarly about me.
When we first got together though, you spent a lot of time talking about your sexual history. I was a little perplexed by your incessant desire to divulge your previous lifestyle of promiscuity to me, but I was so enamored with you that there was little you could say to tarnish my image of you.
We had each other and it felt like nothing else in the world could come between us.
Eventually though, that exciting "new" feeling faded, and the darker parts of my mind came back to me.
I tried to shut my mind up, to think about other things; but my subconscious wouldn't let me. I would lay there in your bed staring at the wall, trying to think of the fun times we had; but instead my mind would throw images of you sleeping with H and M in my face. I would try to think about how we would make each other laugh, but my imagination would torment me with thoughts of you crying out their names as they penetrated you, just as you had done with me.
For days and weeks I was tormented by these images.
Why did you feel compelled to tell me the details of these encounters? Why did I have to bare such painful thoughts? Often times, you could tell something was bothering me and would ask me what was wrong, but I always declined to talk about it. I felt embarrassed. I had never thought of myself as a jealous or anxious person, but for the first time in my life, I felt like one.
I couldn't help but think, "Why did S not stay with H or M? What makes her prefer me over them?" But eventually, I came to fall in love with you and these thoughts became quiet for some time.
Recently though the thoughts have been returning. It seems my mind is settled over you sleeping with H, but it's your time with M that is bothering me. It's not that you slept with M, I can accept that for what it is, but you told me several things about your relationship with M that bothers me.
What bothers me the most is how M propositioned you. I've had several friends who propositioned girls in blatant manners, but never one so blatant as M's; and even more astounding to me was that it worked. All my other friends attempts with woman had failed, so I wondered what it was about M that made you accept?
Previously in high school, had a girl slept with a guy because he asked her "Are we gonna fuck, or what?"; I would have considered the girl to be a slut. That's how kids are, they aren't concerned with how their labels may harm others, and they are quick to judge.
But this time it was you, and I wasn't in high school anymore.
I wasn't sure how to react when you told me about it. Part of me was thinking "Why is she telling me this?", another part was thinking "Wow, that actually worked?", while another part was thinking "Can I still be with her after knowing this?".
Now I want you to know that I don't consider you a slut. I think you are far from it. Even with your promiscuous history, I still consider you to be a very classy girl. However, we have parts of our minds that we cannot control; and unfortunately that part of my mind has set judgments about certain things; reckless promiscuity being one of them.
So while I don't think of you as being "easy", some darker part of my subconscious does.
I hated myself because of this though. How could I let myself judge the girl that I've fallen in love with so harshly? I tried everything I could to get it out of my mind, but nothing seemed to work. The thoughts would fade at times, but practically every time I found myself laying in your bed, unable to sleep, the thoughts would come rushing back.
I couldn't bare to tell you the torment that my heart was going through. Up until that point, I had thought of you as a modest girl. Now parts of my mind were combating to maintain that image. I was embarrassed that I seemed unable to cope with this knowledge. I didn't want you to think of me as being immature, jealous, possessive or any of those things, so I couldn't let you know.
But I had always previously dealt with things very well before, so why couldn't I deal with this?
I think part of what made it so hard was that you told me:
When M left for Lubbock after you two had been fuck buddies for a while, you missed him.
This only sent me in another downward spiral of self-destructive thoughts.
Why did you miss him?
Was the sex that good, or did you make a deeper emotional connection with him?
Had he stayed in Dallas, would you two be a couple instead of us?
I couldn't help but wonder how much you actually cared about me in the beginning, and how much of it was for the convenience of feeling loved.
At times you seemed very compassionate, but other times you seemed self absorbed.
This pattern of expressing compassion and then withdrawing further perplexed me. Was I a mere emotional convenience for you?
Could I have just been another fuck buddy for you like my other two friends if I had only propositioned you similarly to the way M did?
How would things be now, if we had just been fuck buddies?
Of course, I know that what we have is genuine. I love you, and I know you love me.
But it's hard, because I can't help but wonder that what you have with me could have been with someone else.
And S, I want you to remember that it's not even my choice to think about these kinds of things. It's that annoying little demon that sits on your shoulder reminding you of all the shitty things in life.
I wish it would go away, but it doesn't.
If I could, I would completely wipe my memory of the things you told me. Some part of me resents you for telling me, and another part of my mind resents you for sleeping with them.
I know this isn't fair to you, and I wish that I had no resentments towards you entirely.
When we first got together, you said you had felt strongly for me shortly after we met.
I was a little surprised by this. If you felt so attracted to me, how could you go and sleep with my friends?
Of course I shouldn't have expected you to wait for me forever, but I thought if you had any plans to be with me in the future, then you wouldn't have been sleeping with my friends.
Maybe in those moments, you only saw yourself being with them?
Or maybe you didn't consider the consequences of sleeping with the friends of someone you wanted to be in a relationship with.
But now, here we are; dealing with the consequences that have plagued my heart and mind.
It's easy to say “Grow up” or “Get over it”, or to call me immature for holding onto things of the past.
But it's not my choice to feel this way, and I wish I could get over it all so easily.
I wish I could just let go of these painful thoughts, but it hasn't happened.
S,
I wish these parts of me didn't exist. I wish I had complete control over my mind, but I don't. None of us do.
I hope you can understand why I feel this way.
I hope you can forgive me for my inability to deal with this on my own.
And I hope I can move past it all. "
...So what do you guys think?
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Thanks buddy.
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