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critique my cover letter
    #11983186 -

Dear Sir or Madam,
I am a student from *** writing to apply for an engineering internship with the city of San Francisco.

I am currently in my junior year of study and I expect to finish my mechanical engineering course work within a year and a half. Lately I’ve been considering broadening my area of focus to include machine design and thermal-fluids, as I have quite a bit of interest in both of these fields. I have also been thinking about pursuing a structural engineering degree. Although I would be taking these excess classes mainly because I’m interested in learning about the different fields, I would also benefit from being able to choose a career I am most passionate about when the time comes.               

By exposing me to real world engineering, this internship will both supplement my academic efforts and help steer me toward a career that I will be most passionate about. I appreciate this chance to apply to your program and thank you very much for reviewing my application.
Sincerely,


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People never seem to know what they least suspect is coming next.

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Re: critique my cover letter [Re: dummy]
    #11983324 -

are you responding to a posted internship opening?  if so, say so and where you found the posting.

i'm guessing you are probably at school in san francisco.  is the city a special city to you?  is that why you chose to go to school there?  if so, say so.

where you say "within a year and a half" it's more precise to put "in may 2011" or whatever.

"excess" is the wrong word for what you're trying to say ("extra" could work instead).

somewhere you need to say what you can do for them or why you're more qualified than the next guy.  relevant experience is the best for this, but personal qualities can be used, also.

good luck!  i too am looking an internship (in software).


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Re: critique my cover letter [Re: dummy]
    #11983398 -

You should talk about what you can do for them as an engineering intern rather than what they can do for your career.

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Re: critique my cover letter [Re: DieCommie]
    #11983508 -

thanks guys.
it's part of an application process not just a posted internship.


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People never seem to know what they least suspect is coming next.

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Re: critique my cover letter [Re: DieCommie]
    #11983523 -

i agree, you should speak a little more about why they want you (briefly - there should be enough info in the resume), though it's also good that you explain why you are seeking a job with them.


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"Fear makes the wolf look bigger"

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Re: critique my cover letter [Re: dummy]
    #11983778 -

In cover letters I think it also helps if you mention one or two work or volunteer or even academic experience that makes you qualified for the job. For example, I applied for a tutoring job for this summer and I mentioned some previous tutoring that I did and mentioned that I felt as though it made me qualified for the position. Since this is an internship maybe different rules apply. Also I realize that you may be doing the internship to gain the experience I am talking about, all I'm saying is from what I've learned about cover letters, you're supposed also mention what you think qualifies yourself for the position. Make things consisce and to the point as well. Looks like you've got that aspect down pat. :thumbup:

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Re: critique my cover letter [Re: dummy]
    #11983849 -

dummy said:
Dear Sir or Madam,
I am a student from *** writing to apply for an engineering internship with the city of San Francisco.

I am currently in my junior year of study and I expect to finish my mechanical engineering course work within a year and a half. Lately I’ve been considering broadening my area of focus to include machine design and thermal-fluids, as I have quite a bit of interest in both of these fields. I have also been thinking about pursuing a structural engineering degree. Although I would be taking these excess classes mainly because I’m interested in learning about the different fields, I would also benefit from being able to choose a career I am most passionate about when the time comes.               

By exposing me to real world engineering, this internship will both supplement my academic efforts and help steer me toward a career that I will be most passionate about. I appreciate this chance to apply to your program and thank you very much for reviewing my application.
Sincerely,



your letter contains too much indecisiveness you need to sell your self better, consider these edits...

Quote:
I am a student from *** writing to apply for an engineering internship with the city of San Francisco.

I am currently in my junior year of study and will be completing my mechanical engineering course work within a year and a half. (delete the whole lately thing, it sounds flakey)I have always had an interest in machine design as well as the complexities of thermal-fluids, and am currently seeking to broaden my education into their real world applications. Furthermore I have a long standing interest in expanding my knowledge in the field of structural engineering, and have been considering additional studies at *****university on this topic. I feel that this expierence would greatly help me find my true passion in the field of engineering and guide me to a suitable career path

I strongly feel that this internship will supplement my academic efforts as well as steer me toward a career that I will be passionate about. I thank you for your time and consideration, and look forward to working with you in the near future.

Sincerely


like i mentioned above, you were using a lot of qualifying words that were lack luster (most passionate, a bit of interest.... etc...)

what do you think?


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PEACE

:mushroom2:zippoz:mushroom2:



"in times of widespread chaos and confusion, it has been the duty of more advanced human beings - artists, scientists, clowns, and philosophers - to create order. In such times as ours however, when there is too much order, too much m management, too much programming and control, it becomes the duty of superior men and women and women to fling their favorite monkey wrenches into the machinery. To relieve the repression of the human spirit, they must sow doubt and disruption"

"People do it every day, they talk to themselves ... they see themselves as they'd like to be, they don't have the courage you have, to just run with it."

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Re: critique my cover letter [Re: ZippoZ]
    #11983953 -

Make sure you leave a big-face in the envelope.


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Re: critique my cover letter [Re: auxiliary]
    #11984597 -

zippoz, i can see what you mean and i appreciate the effort you put into helping me. and thanks a lot for all of the other useful advice everyone.


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People never seem to know what they least suspect is coming next.

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