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Please read my essay.
    #10975132 -

For rough draft to University of Miami.

The prompt was Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

This is what I wrote.
- There is one person who has undoubtedly had more influence on me than anyone else, someone who since birth has helped shape me into who I am today, and is a person I hope many think highly of for a variety of reasons. This man has built the person they call (insert name here), through his infatuation with creativity and happiness, and his ability to be true to himself. This person is….myself.  We all are born into a certain set of circumstances,  and the choices we make in life are what differentiate us from others. I have looked up to many different minds in my journey of life and have been surrounded by many of them at a school for the gifted. I have even been fortunate enough to travel to places that have opened my mind to different cultures and circumstances then my own. I have tried not to copy these people, but to take pieces of them and bring these pieces into myself to create a person who is not only distinguished, but is intelligent and tolerant. A young adult who enjoys music, film, and culture which are not present in his setting on the West Coast of Florida. A person that I hope has had significant influence on those around him, and a person I know that I am proud to be. In this life time is something that we can not take back or create, and as time passes a person emerges that we know as our self. I always have found this person to be more important than anyone else because he is all that I have, and over time I have come to realize that life is over much too soon and the choices made in this life must be ones that we can say we are proud of.  As I get older, I look back to myself as a toddler, sporting red keds and blonde hair at elementary school, and wonder what he would think of the person looking back at him. While surprised at the changes  in size and appearance, I am sure that this toddler would realize that he is proud of the man standing in front of him, a man that through experience and change has brought happiness and laughter to many, and will not be forgotten for what he has achieved through this stage of life.


Edited by dpc1192 (08/31/09 07:55 PM)

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Re: Please read my essay. [Re: dpc1192]
    #10975316 -

i read your essay and think you should choose a different person.  anybody can choose his or her self.


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Re: Please read my essay. [Re: moeshroom]
    #10975349 -

I agree, I don't think administrators want to hear people call upon themselves...Although I'm sure you're trying to sound independent and capable, it comes off as cocky and conceited(they rather see a humbled applicant).


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Re: Please read my essay. [Re: dpc1192]
    #10975524 -

I agree with the others. If you choose to go with this essay there are numerous problems with it which need to be corrected.

First, break that big blob into paragraphs. They are much easier to read. There are also numerous sentence fragments..examples: "A young adult who enjoys music, film, and culture which are not present in his setting on the West Coast of Florida. A person that I hope has had significant influence on those around him, and a person I know that I am proud to be."

But yeah, change the subject- it comes across as a bit narcissistic.


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“The crisis takes a much longer time coming than you think, and then it happens much faster than you would have thought.”  -- Rudiger Dornbusch

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