in the middle of october i met this girl at a partial program i was attending. we hit it off right away, real pretty type and generally passionate and outspoken about herself. but i really wasn't looking to get into anything real involved, and i could see that she was a real social outgoer, like bars everynight and never exclusive. tons of men friends, but seemed she could hold a strong meaning of fidelity.
so we got together outside of the program, saw a movie and browsed a natural food grocery store, ate something drank at her house...
kept talking after and a few days later we "hooked up". now, this happens rather often, not necessarily in my case, but i still didn't expect anything from it, but she seemed very committed to me and when that happens i feel the same.
right, so while this is all happening...i couldn't get a hold of her for almost three days because she took a bottle of ativan on a sunday night and says she slept through till tuesday night, which i don't believe but i do know she took the bottle so who knows.
she was also a cutter, she used her fingernails though which i didn't think was that serious but psychs say it's the worst and she was very diligent about it, seeing no problem with doing it as she'd been doing this for awhile.
let me also add, she's 25 and i'm 24.
on top of this shit, several weeks before her boyfriend of half a year, who was 35!, called her something she took to heart and hadn't talked to him since and really wanted nothing to do with him anymore. she got rid of him pretty easy and it didn't seem to bother her, which should have been a red alarm for me, but i'm oblivious to everything.
also, she hadn't been able to work in a month and was in debt, about $850 in debt.
oh, and she also had lime disease and was loaded on antibiotics and then they found another rash so they loaded her more.
she also was considering doing a one night escort service at this place she found in philly through craigslist for this guy who would pay her $3000 for the night with no sex or kissing. she said she wouldn't do it if i didn't want her to, and actually i said it sounded like a good deal and she should consider it. hah! but really, why not?
but she had values though and said she would never be able to go through with it, she's not that type of person who can act like she's enjoying herself.
blah.
so...me being generous and helpful bullshit...she had originally, before we even talked about doing something outside of this partial program, talked about how much she was in debt and it really bothered her and she brought it up in groups often and what concerned me, especially after she overdosed on ativan, was that stressed caused her to do this stupid shit, just like it does everyone, but i didn't want to see her cut herself anymore or put down bottles of pills with vodka - which is something else she had a problem with - drinking. this girl only weighed a little over 100. very petite and pretty type
originally, before we hooked up, i had offered to help her out financially because i'm on ssi and i do have some money, though i'm very smart with it and i save and don't spend much besides what i'm giving to my parents since i'm back with them now for awhile. also buy groceries sometimes and gas for my parents car which i drive.
i'm sorry i'm making this long, i'm ranting.
two weeks ago, a sunday, a few days after we had been hooking up, i go over to give her money which i told her i would give her to help her. i figured since i'm going to be around with her for awhile, and i have this money which she probably needs more than i do, i wanted to help her out and get her back on her feet.
well, i gave her $1000. the day i gave it to her she seemed off and i noticed it. real distant from me already, even before i gave it to her. i got her vitamins too because she treated her body like shit - woman's multi, omega 3 and vitamin C.
she thanked me but i left early because she seemed so distant and i sort of knew that i wouldn't be seeing this girl again.
another defining reason i gave her the money was because she always said, "no i can't take your money". to me, well it is, this is humility and a respectable line. and it was true, and the normal person wouldn't have given her the money but i wanted to help.
she didn't get back with that guy, maybe she did and is just a great lier, she probably did. but even so, we didn't talk for the next week after she wouldn't return my calls for a couple days. then five to seven days after that she texts me says she was worried about me and to just text her to say i was fine.
i did and asked her why she blew me off, she said nothing. i asked her if she would at least get me pot she said she would get me for helping her out, she said "well i'm not talking to billy anymore (her ex), so i have to look around for it".
obviously i expected not to get it and that was that and i haven't talked to her since.
I HAVE NEVER FELT MORE USED IN MY LIFE.
i would say it was such a big mistake, but i'm glad i was able to help her, rightfully she did need the money more than me and i'm glad i was able to help.
but you just don't blow people off who help you like that, you just don't. at least more of a thank you or something, i don't know. a card or something, like, thanks for giving a shit and i'm sorry i lead you on with my pretty vagina and grin.
and it does bother me that she stopped being so "we're together". because she completely led me on and was a tease, even though we hooked up and nonsense, i don't know what her motives were or why she talked so straight about how she's single and how much she relies on me and wants to be with me 24/7.
i still just feel disgustingly used. i had to finally tell someone about it and i talked to my dad, and he was shocked at first how much i gave her but said just don't think about it, you helped someone less fortunate and i'm proud of you.
but that still doesn't comfort me completely. even my x-girlfriend, my best friend coincidentally, said just take your loses and move on after i broke down and told her what i did.
they were the only two people i told. i just feel shitty about it all, especially losing what could have been maybe a decent relationship or at least something for a few months to remember as something positive.
but shit on me for being so helpful. i don't necessarily regret helping her out, i don't regret it. but i keep thinking what i could have done with that money, you know? like for all i know, she bought season tickets to the phillies with the money. here, i could have given it to some organization or my cousin who is pregnant, you know? something where i would get the recognition that comes along with a good dead.
that is what bothers me most, not knowing what the hell happened, having no closer, and never really getting a thorough thanks. it shouldn't have happened like that.
if this was some wicked divine prank for me to learn a valuable lesson, well shit on them.
i don't understand people. i hate deceitfulness. i know it's humility above acknowledgment when you do a good dead, but not like this, i didn't deserve to get blown off the way i did.
i needed to write this out, sorry.
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