Auto-SummaryThe author and his girlfriend visit Wendy's for lunch, where they are confronted by a fat woman in a van who insults the girlfriend. The author confronts the woman, demanding an apology, despite feeling ill-prepared for such a confrontation. The woman apologizes, and the author drives his girlfriend home, feeling aroused throughout the encounter.
My delicious lady and I went for lunch before I went to work today. And by lady I mean my girlfriend who I want to bang so bad that I nearly sprout a boner whenever I'm close enough to smell her hair. And by delicious I mean she has a nice rack. And a tight ass. And um...Fuck. Now I do have a boner.
I'll be right back.
Okay, anyhow...
I park the car and we go into the local Wendy's. I'd treat her to some lunch then drop her off and head to work. She was going on about how she was having a bad hair day. I felt like telling her that guys don't care about your hair because they're too busy staring at your tits.
True enough, nearly every guy in there was eyeing her when we walked in. I felt like ripping open her shirt and burying my face in her tits while screaming 'They're mine! They're all mine! All for me! Glorious titties woo!"
We get our spicey chicken sandwiches. After she chats up the guy at the counter we take our leave. I'd taken her to the mall that day so she was pretty satisfied with herself. I was just satisfied I had more details of her to add to my spank bank.
The Wendy's we were at has a fucked up drive-thru. In order to enter or leave the place, you have to cross the cars headed towards the window. There have been times that I have parked my car, noted the most recent addition to the line of lazy fucks going through the drive-thru and went inside to order, get my food and come back out only to see that the car had hardly moved up at all. Most of the time some dink has blocked the zebra lines that announce to the world that pedestrians will be crossing there. I get a laugh out of that too because we all know Jesus hates people who block the paths of pedestrians.
But today, the drive-thru dorks was not as comical as I've found them to be in the past.
My girl and I cross in front of this van after giving them the courtesy look to say 'Hey! We're fucking crossing here. You hit us and we will fuck up your car but good.'
We cross and are halfway to my car when a great social injustice befouls our otherwise lovely day.
"Hey!" some one shouts.
We turn just in time to hear the rest.
Some fat bitch was in the back of the van. She slides the door open, points right at my friend and yells, "If you shake your ass anymore, you'll dislocate your hip!"
I look at my friend and she looks at me. She looks shocked, but a smirk of amusement crosses her face when she sees the look on mine. There is rage building in my eyes. I'm the type of guy that avoids confrontation. I'm the type of guy who bottles up his anger until he chokes on it. But I'm also the type of guy that has lustful thoughts towards his hot female friends. So my character isn't the greatest, I guess.
The lady has slammed her door shut and the driver has pulled closer to the window. They were still a car length away from reaching their destination. I must have vengeance.
I hand her my coffee and push my sleeves up. "She can't talk to you like that. I'll be right back."
She smirks her evil smirk again. "If you need me to burst into tears, I'm all ready."
I give her a small wink and start sauntering towards the van. I try to look serious, but I probably only succeeded in looking slightly insane with a hint of bewilderment. And maybe a little farty too.
At this point, I realize how stupid I am. I am not an intimidating figure. I am not well suited to confronting anyone, let alone some bitch with the nerve to yell at a pretty girl because she has a vivacious walk. I'm probably going to get my ass handed to me in front of the object of my affection.
But hey, it is Thursday and I feel lucky.
I approach just as they get the window. I knock on the passenger side and the driver's head snaps to look at me. I see the whale in the backseat roll her eyes.
The window rolls down and I start my speech that I had worked up in my head on the walk over.
"Pardon me, but you have sullied my lady's honor. I demand an apology," I stand up a little straighter and square my shoulders. I have always wanted to say that. I am a well-spoken rogue, defending my lady. I'm so dashing and keen. Look at me go.
The driver snorts and the fat pig in the back chortles, bringing me back to reality. Fuck. She's taking up the entire second row of the van. I'm really sure that Jabba the Slut really needs more donuts back there.
"Your girlfriend is a ho," she says. At least I think that's what she said. Her jowl shaking obscured her words.
What the fuck. Again, I'm taken aback.
Some one honks from behind us. Jesus, couldn't they see I'm getting justice here?
Time to lie like I'm back in junior high and my mom just caught me dancing in my underwear to Celine Dion. That's right. It was for a school project.
"Listen you fat sack of whale blubber, you will apologize to my wife. You don't know what it's like to be her. Her father died last week and she was so stressed over his death, she miscarried and lost our baby. Our lives are a wreck and you are shouting at a pretty girl in a parking lot who has a confident walk. She's lucky she has any confidence left. You are nothing but a fucking jealous pig," I glare, harshly, hoping that I had lied just enough. Not too much or too little, just enough to hit home.
The two fatties look at each other, then back at me. I must have sold them a pretty good tale. The one that had slung the insult in the first place blushes and shakes her head.
"Ah fuck. Tell her I'm sorry," she genuinely looks sorry. I'm surprised.
"Well, thank you. Now fuck off," I said sharply before turning away.
I smile to myself as I walk back over to my friend. She shakes her head at me as she hands me back my spicey chicken sandwich.
"I wonder if I could dislocate my hip from walking the way I do," she said as we got in my car. "Does my ass really shake that much?"
I shrug. "Maybe, but I'm sure her ass shakes just much more involuntarily with a much greater ripple effect. You know. Like a lava lamp."
She smiles. "Thanks for checking out my ass."
"Anytime," was my cool reply.
"You're my hero!" She yells. "I must give you head!"
She then lavished me orally in the Wendy's parking lot.
At least, in my mind she did. In reality, I drove her home and went to work after being half-hard the whole time.
Shit, why do chicks have such good smelling hair?
--------------------
I didn't go to college. I went to Ozzy Osbourne University. - Zakk Wylde
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