As some of you may have read in the post entitled "wow", I just found out a few hours ago that my girlfriend of three years is cheating on me. I won't get into the whole in and outs of it just yet, I'll just say that one of the reasons is that she felt I was turning into a "loser". Now, nothing that is said by someone you are that intimate with can possibly be totally untrue, so I'm going to analyze some areas that I think are part of my "slacking off", and make some resolutions to correct them. I'm going to update this post often and, even if none of you care about it (tought shit I'm gonna keep posting!!!  ) , I'll at least have a record. I'm also going to resolve here and now to be totally honest with this project log.
First, I think that I'm slacking off at school. I'm currently behind in my two hardest classes and I'm having to drop another class now. I'ts not that I'm stupid, if I were I wouldn't feel so bad, but I do realize that I am fairly intelligent. I'm not trying to brag or prop myself up here, I'm just trying to be totally honest and, honestly, I fo feel that about myself. I need to focus on my studies much more and get back on track. I also need to see about making up a few labs that I missed. Today and Tuesday will be spent non-stop studying. I will study all night tonight for, and take, the chemistry exam that I have tomorrow and I will study the rest of the day Monday and part of Tuesday for my biology exam, taking it on Tuesday.
Second, I need to get back in shape physically. I've let myself slide so much. A few years ago I weighed 184 lbs, didn't do any drugs, never drank, ran 4 miles in the morning, walked 4 mi in the evening, lifted weights, stretched, meditated, did yoga, a few other things. Now I'm about 225lbs and I get winded on the first hike of the season with friends of mine that SMOKE outpacing me. This is unacceptable. Years ago when I was at my 184 "peak", either I looked so good (most likely NOT the case!) or I have enough self-confidence that I did manage to flirt with and date some very attractive women. Now, that is not the case. I either look so flabby and ugly (or I believe I do, thus lowering my self esteem and confidence level) that women of the hotness caliber that I had flirted with earlier to great sucess look at me and talk to me in that way that says "We are good friends, and I like you, but their is no way that we are EVER going past this stage). I really feel that working out will give me the confidence boost and self esteem boost that I need to meet and interact with girls. Of course, the best part about this and the part that I should truely strive for, I will be making myself healthier and more able to do things that I enjoy (hiking, travelling, rock climbing, bicycling, etc). An overall good way to boost self esteem.
Third, I need to stop doing drugs. I believe that my use of marijuana has become what might be termed, at least, pathological. I smoke pretty frequently and, most alarming, I break the guidelines that I form about smoking pot. I'll start off by saying that I won't get high before class, and then I do. I'll say that I don't want to get high before work and later I'll find myself smoking pot and being stoned at work. I'll plan to study but instead sit around smoking pot with my friends or by myself. I think that marijuana is a very cool drug and I plan on toking again in the future, I just think that laying off until I had made progress on the first two goals might be a good idea. I feel that I should lay off the ganja from, eh, when this bowl is finished, until after the semester is over. This should be a "no execptions" thing. I won't tell myself that it's "OK" because I'm out hiking with some friends, I won't tell myself that I really would nejoy a bowl to relax after a hard days work, and I won't tell myself that smoking will make the activity I am partaking in any more exciting. (4/20 is before the end of the semester and will present a great challange. However, if I don't smoke on 4/20, I'll be even more proud of my willpower). Hallucinogens are acceptable. I say that simply because I mainly only do hallucinogens when the weather is nice, and it's so beautiful now that I can just hear nature calling for me to eat her and become of her.  On a health aspect, not smoking pot will certainly help my lungs clear some of the gunk out of them.
Nextly, I will begin to manage my finances. I am always fucked on money and constantly behind on bills. I think this is, most likely, due to the amount of money that I spend on pot. 50$ a weekend for an eigth of nugs for a week comes to 200$ a month, almost what my car payment is! I will make a full budget and speak with the friends that I owe money to and begin to repay them. I will put money in a bank account after work each day (I work as a waiter, so their is great temptation to just buy an 8th of nugs when you leave work wiht 200$ in your pockets). I will focus on getting bills paid off and stop buying extraneous things for myself until they are all caught up to date.
Nextly, I will meditate for at least 20 minutes a day. I will consciously spend one 20 minute session per day, at least, directly focusing (not focusing?) on meditation and 'spiritual' work. Not much more to say about this one, really.
Well, thats all I can think of for now. I'll keep you all posted as things progress. Read if you want! Or not.
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Jackie Treehorn treats objects like women, man
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