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InvisibleZippoZM
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Registered: 06/17/03
Posts: 13,227
Loc: Pongyang, North Korea
life is so damn tough sometimes
    #3917134 - 03/14/05 06:29 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

once again i am at a major transition point in my life, and as usual its eating me alive.

i suppose its not really that much of a problem when you look at it objectively. i got kicked out of my parents houses due to an altercation between my step brother and my step mother, all of which actually involved this site. ill post the link in a bit. although that was only the culmination of many other smaller events.

my dad put me up in his office, kinda weird living here.

my aunt probbaly has only a few weeks if that to live, im suppose im still denying the fact because i should be crying my eyes out over it.

i have decided that i can no longer associate with a large amount of people that i have hung out wiht for a few years, atleast not to the same degree, and that and friendship was mostly percieved by me.

on top of this while deal i have finally gone broke, and am about a grand or 2 in debt, and i still have speeding tickets to pay off in a few states and a few court appearances, oklahoma and new mwxico to attend to...

im becoming an alcaholic, and a paranoid delusional crazy man at this point. some of the thoughts that are going through my head half of the time are fucking ridiculous and outlandish, but make sense at the time... which is probably going to lead me to dosomthing insane at one point in the near future.

the thing is i need a change, i have needed one for a long time, i can patch up and repair my life only so many times before its giong to fall apart at the seams.

ususally i would think that i need to run away, strat somewhere new with new people, but the change i need to make needs to come from me and not the people around me. although part of that change involves the people i allow myself to hang around with.

man its all so confusing and im not really sure what to do.

what i want to do with my life is travel and camp around the country, and to do that i have tried as hard as i could to not have permanent ties to anything.. i.e. steady job, or lease and to a lesser extent school, although ihave accepted that i need to go to school on a permanent basis, if only to gaurentee that i have health insurance.

but now i am going ot have to rent an appartment to live in and even though my parents are willing to pay for it while i go to school i dont want to be tied down from doing what i want to do in life which is travel and explore the world.

the only logical thing to do is accept my horrible fate and get an appartment and get tied down to living in this damn town with so many people i cant deal with, or talk to, for a year. a horrible thing if you ask me.

i cant be tied down, i mean shit it is oging to eat me alive, im inbetween a rock and a hard place with nowhere to go

damn


--------------------
PEACE

:mushroom2:zippoz:mushroom2:



"in times of widespread chaos and confusion, it has been the duty of more advanced human beings - artists, scientists, clowns, and philosophers - to create order. In such times as ours however, when there is too much order, too much m management, too much programming and control, it becomes the duty of superior men and women and women to fling their favorite monkey wrenches into the machinery. To relieve the repression of the human spirit, they must sow doubt and disruption"

"People do it every day, they talk to themselves ... they see themselves as they'd like to be, they don't have the courage you have, to just run with it."


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Offlinepstupid
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Registered: 12/05/04
Posts: 212
Last seen: 9 years, 6 months
Re: life is so damn tough sometimes [Re: ZippoZ]
    #3917207 - 03/14/05 06:45 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Wow dude. Sorry to hear you're in shit man. Being in debt is possibly the worst feeling I have ever had. I felt like there was no way out.. just going to drown. All I can offer is some words that were given to me, and have since proved invaluable. Everything, one way or another, works out. It may not work out in the most convenient way, or the way you would choose, but shit always irons out. Nothing in this life, or the next, is worth tripping about. It simply doesnt matter. As long as you keep going and keep trying, you will succeed and get over this hump in life.

Good luck man.. I honestly feel for you.

And as far as being tied down.. dude.. I know. I've had a fear my entire life of getting stuck somewhere. Thats probably why I have never put down roots into the community, kept a good job or gone back to school. I've been couch surfing the US for a couple of years of now, and it has been the best years of my life. I have met incredible people, seen amazing things, and been privileged to become a part of other people's lives for however short a time. I cant imagine doing anything else with my life. Once you take the plunge- get rid of everything- grab a backpack with a couple changes of clothes, a notebook or a camera, and hit the road, you will never have reason to look back. Its like being a freelance anthropologist.

Godspeed my friend.


--------------------
What is your major malfunction?


Edited by pstupid (03/14/05 06:51 PM)


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Invisiblevinsue
Grand Old Fart
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Registered: 02/17/04
Posts: 15,295
Loc: The Garden State(NJ) Flag
Re: life is so damn tough sometimes [Re: ZippoZ]
    #3917243 - 03/14/05 06:50 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

I'm not sure how to respond. You'll get thru!!! Ya know Monty Python...."Always look on the bright side of life" I got a room in N. Jersey or the Catskills if you really got to get away.Careful with the drink....Been there,...still there. :shrug:


Edited by vinsue (03/14/05 06:51 PM)


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InvisibleWorld Spirit
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Re: life is so damn tough sometimes [Re: ZippoZ]
    #3917286 - 03/14/05 06:56 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

zippoz ~

I've read a few of your posts and want to help but I'm not sure if you'll dig what I have to say.
Nevertheless, here I go...

I believe you need to prioritize your life.

You can do what society pushes you to do.
You can do what you want to do.
You can do what God wants you to do - "Not my will, Father, but thine."

Or you can do a mixture of these and get into an unclear lifestyle.

I suggest you pray for distinct direction in life, but do it one day at a time. "Today has enough issues so only deal with today."

What is it you want to do that is realistic (ie that you can actually do without jeapordizing yourself too much?)?

Where do you want to live?

What kind of food and clothing do you want?

There is a time for a man to plan his way thru life.

There is a time for a man to receive direction from the Lord.

Make your plans and consult the Above and Beyond. Believe and you will be heard.

Listen to your inner conscience. It will tell you "bad bad" or "you got it".

Avoid doing what your conscience dislikes.

Committ your works to God and your plans will be established.

He who is double-hearted (with two different intentions) can receive nothing from above.


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OfflineWildRunner
Obey little,Resist much

Registered: 02/13/05
Posts: 286
Loc: Where the wild things are
Last seen: 9 years, 5 months
Re: life is so damn tough sometimes [Re: vinsue]
    #3917325 - 03/14/05 07:01 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

You've got all the power you need man. Just gotta listen to your heart, and start trying to achieve your dreams. Not too many things can contend with the feeling of living your dreams, even if you havent yet accomplished them, knowing that you're one the right track is worth more than words. Don't stop man, don't stop for nothing.


--------------------
If you dont know where you're going, any road will take you there.


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OfflineVulture
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Registered: 06/18/02
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Re: life is so damn tough sometimes [Re: WildRunner]
    #3917419 - 03/14/05 07:14 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

im right there with ya brother!

but im not gonna let shit hold me down. fotunatly i dont have any outlandish debts so im just gonna say fuck it and take off for the summer!!!

WOOO!!!


--------------------
Work like you dont need the money.

Love like you never been hurt.

Dance like nobody is watching.


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InvisibleZippoZM
Knomadic
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Registered: 06/17/03
Posts: 13,227
Loc: Pongyang, North Korea
Re: life is so damn tough sometimes [Re: vinsue]
    #3917436 - 03/14/05 07:17 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

yeah the debt dosent bother me, i can sell my snowplow and jeep and god help me my turntables, and be out of debt. i could pawn off my glass blowing supplies too, but thatshow im staying afloat financially.

theres another added twist i have to mention, im supposed to take over the family business one day. its been through 3 generationss so far since the 1950's and my dad has MS and is at a point where he cant do all the work he needs to do.

i do want to one day take over the business, and have been going to school for it, but the thing is my dad has been very un happy with being tied down to the business many times, and it has cost him alot.

i remember hearing him talk about how he missed out on not doing anything of his own, and starting out and creating somthing of his own before he took over the family bus, how he misses being a poilt (my grandpa used to have a plane) and how it has taxed his life working here.

i dont want that to happen to me, i cant have it happen, life is too short.

ever since i was young i had this dream over and over, i was there stanging on a gallows with a nuse around my neck. saying you can take my life but let my people go. ever since i was young i belived that i was going to die young. i still do to an extent. theres no gaurentee on this life i have here no warranty either.

for a few months now i have been halucinating on a daly basis.... even now as i stare at my laptops scren the keyboard is shifting and moving to the right on me.
last night i was at my friends house completely sober staring at a wall with an entertainment center start moving backwards away from me...

after weeks and months of this i crumbled and thought i was going to die and went to the intensive care center, they took blood and tested me for everything, nothing came back. my blood was free from all drugs also. im still waiting on a heavy metals test to see if i inhaled to many fumes while glass blowing.... but i doubt it would cause what i feel on a daly basis. also i have been diagnosed with a condition called esential tremor.
i shake, and have muscle spazims. i cannot for the life of me hold my hand flat infront of me without it shaking, and its only going to get worse and its not just my hands, legs feet and everything. on tp of the subtle shaking i have viscious muscle cramps and spazims daly.

all of this shit just piles up on me, and its getting to apoint where its too much.. i have been institutionalised in the past, and sent to rehab in mexico before i was 18, i just dont want to end up anywhere like that again. i cannot stand losing controll of my life in that manner. and if it happens i will without a doubt do everyting i can to kill myself. i just hopwit dosent come to that...

last time i went to rehab, i tried as hard as i could to kill myself, all i had was a sharp piece of pottery, it was all il could get into the shower.. but it wouldny cut deep enough no matter how hard i tried. nothing is worse than the feeling of trying to end your own life and not being able to.


--------------------
PEACE

:mushroom2:zippoz:mushroom2:



"in times of widespread chaos and confusion, it has been the duty of more advanced human beings - artists, scientists, clowns, and philosophers - to create order. In such times as ours however, when there is too much order, too much m management, too much programming and control, it becomes the duty of superior men and women and women to fling their favorite monkey wrenches into the machinery. To relieve the repression of the human spirit, they must sow doubt and disruption"

"People do it every day, they talk to themselves ... they see themselves as they'd like to be, they don't have the courage you have, to just run with it."


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OfflineVulture
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Registered: 06/18/02
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Re: life is so damn tough sometimes [Re: ZippoZ]
    #3917450 - 03/14/05 07:20 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

damn man...sound like you have a lot of other things to deal with concerning yourself regardless of the outside world. Something similer happned to my best friend of 7 years...my trip buddy...next door neighbor. You should really do somehting while you can. Before you end up like him.


--------------------
Work like you dont need the money.

Love like you never been hurt.

Dance like nobody is watching.


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InvisibleZippoZM
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Registered: 06/17/03
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Loc: Pongyang, North Korea
Re: life is so damn tough sometimes [Re: ZippoZ]
    #3917459 - 03/14/05 07:21 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

as for listening to god, as i was leaving rehab in mexico after being homelss on a mexican beach with a few pesos in my pocket and no food for 3 days i became christian. this was in no small part do to all of the left behind series books i had read.

since then i dont actually believe in a "god" so to speak. i know that there is a higher power of some sort, but do not believe that it plays any part in out lives. i cannot side with any religon but have my beliefs that are cemented only be the beauty of nature and the inner beauty of wonderful people.

asking it for guidance is somewhat pointless in that regard, its the same as asking myself, who in this situation has no answers.

thanks for reading what i have to say everyone your help is greatly apreciated


--------------------
PEACE

:mushroom2:zippoz:mushroom2:



"in times of widespread chaos and confusion, it has been the duty of more advanced human beings - artists, scientists, clowns, and philosophers - to create order. In such times as ours however, when there is too much order, too much m management, too much programming and control, it becomes the duty of superior men and women and women to fling their favorite monkey wrenches into the machinery. To relieve the repression of the human spirit, they must sow doubt and disruption"

"People do it every day, they talk to themselves ... they see themselves as they'd like to be, they don't have the courage you have, to just run with it."


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InvisibleWorld Spirit
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Re: life is so damn tough sometimes [Re: ZippoZ]
    #3917461 - 03/14/05 07:22 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Have you been jogging and working out? IT CAN ONLY HELP, brother.(!) Try it every day and take it seriously.


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Offlinestarptv23
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Re: life is so damn tough sometimes [Re: World Spirit]
    #3918691 - 03/15/05 12:34 AM (11 years, 8 months ago)

right on zippoz...i hear ya..i never become a cristan nor am i very religous but i know there some high power then use in the world...


--------------------
"Six words: drop out, turn on, then come back and tune it in -and then drop out again, and turn on, and tune it back in-it's a rhythm- most of us think God made this universe in nature-subject object-predicate sentences-turn on, tune in, drop out- period, end of paragraph. Turn the page- it's all a rhythm- it's all a beat. You turn on, you find it inside, and then you have to come back (since you can't stay high all the time) and you have to build a better model. But don't get caught - don't get hooked - don't get attracted by the thing you're building, cause... you gotta drop out again. It's a cycle. Turn on, tune in, drop out. Keep it going, keep it going- the nervous system works that way. gotta keep it flowing- keep it flowing.


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InvisiblelIllIIIllIlIIlIlIIllIllIIl
Stranger
 Arcade Champion: Airfox

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 11,123
Loc: Texas
Re: life is so damn tough sometimes [Re: ZippoZ]
    #3918793 - 03/15/05 01:03 AM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

zippoz said:
what i want to do with my life is travel and camp around the country, and to do that i have tried as hard as i could to not have permanent ties to anything.. i.e. steady job, or lease and to a lesser extent school, although i have accepted that i need to go to school on a permanent basis, if only to gaurentee that i have health insurance.



Man everyone wants to do that. You may not want to hear this but a steady and difficult job is very valuable and will develop your character. Life is not just travelling and being romantic. If you do that you will be left with a lot of memories and nothing else.

Quote:

zippoz said:
but now i am going ot have to rent an appartment to live in and even though my parents are willing to pay for it while i go to school i dont want to be tied down from doing what i want to do in life which is travel and explore the world.



Did you graduate from high school, then immediately go to college (not clear what you mean by school)? Well anyway a very wise man, an engineering professor, told me something about school and it really stuck with me. He said that a university degree is a lot like the feathers in pea cock's tail.

Anyway dude, I don't know if that's what you wanted to hear or not but just hang in there. Time will fly by and then suddenly you'll be an old man wandering what the hell life is all about... just like you are right now.


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InvisibleZippoZM
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Registered: 06/17/03
Posts: 13,227
Loc: Pongyang, North Korea
Re: life is so damn tough sometimes [Re: lIllIIIllIlIIlIlIIllIllIIl]
    #3918907 - 03/15/05 01:42 AM (11 years, 8 months ago)

im in my third year of college, i have taken almost all of the business courses offered by my university, i could have a degree but its somewhat pointless when im planning on working for my self exclusively.

today is oging to be the day that theyre going to throw it back to you, by now you shoulda some how realised what you gotta do, i dont believe that anybody feels the way i do about you now.

back beat the word is on the street that the fire in your heart is out,
im sure youve heard it all before but you never really had a doubt, i dont believe that anybody feels the way i do about you now.

and all the roads we have to walk are winding, and all the lights that lead us there are blinding, there are many things that i would like to say to you but i dont know how.

because maybee, youre gonna be the one that saves me, and after all, youre my wonder wall.

today was going to be the day but theyre never going to throw it back to you, by now you shoulda some how realised what youre not to do, i dont believe that anybody feels the way i do about oyu now.

and all the roads that lead you there were winding, and all the lights that light the way are blinding, there are many things that i would like to say to you but i dont know how.

i say maybee youre going to be the one that saves me, and after all, youre my wonder wall.

i said maybee, .. youre goingn to be the one that saves me..... and afterall .....
youre my wonder wall.

i said maaybee. yore oging to be the one that saves me, youre goingn to be the one that saves me, youre goingn to be the one that saves me.



the un named problem that sits atop them all is the basic need for someone to love


--------------------
PEACE

:mushroom2:zippoz:mushroom2:



"in times of widespread chaos and confusion, it has been the duty of more advanced human beings - artists, scientists, clowns, and philosophers - to create order. In such times as ours however, when there is too much order, too much m management, too much programming and control, it becomes the duty of superior men and women and women to fling their favorite monkey wrenches into the machinery. To relieve the repression of the human spirit, they must sow doubt and disruption"

"People do it every day, they talk to themselves ... they see themselves as they'd like to be, they don't have the courage you have, to just run with it."


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InvisibleLe_Canard
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Registered: 05/17/03
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Re: life is so damn tough sometimes [Re: ZippoZ]
    #3918969 - 03/15/05 01:57 AM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Sounds rough, and I feel for you. But you can be thankful that your Dad seems to be on your side...


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InvisibleZippoZM
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Registered: 06/17/03
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Loc: Pongyang, North Korea
Re: life is so damn tough sometimes [Re: Le_Canard]
    #3918983 - 03/15/05 02:02 AM (11 years, 8 months ago)

WELL, not really, i mean shit, he kicked me out of his house, and put me up at his office.....
kind of forcing me to work for him. not that i mind working for him, but the way in which it was oging about is ridiculous.
who knows

i dont know if this is one of his grabs for power or what...


--------------------
PEACE

:mushroom2:zippoz:mushroom2:



"in times of widespread chaos and confusion, it has been the duty of more advanced human beings - artists, scientists, clowns, and philosophers - to create order. In such times as ours however, when there is too much order, too much m management, too much programming and control, it becomes the duty of superior men and women and women to fling their favorite monkey wrenches into the machinery. To relieve the repression of the human spirit, they must sow doubt and disruption"

"People do it every day, they talk to themselves ... they see themselves as they'd like to be, they don't have the courage you have, to just run with it."


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InvisibleZippoZM
Knomadic
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Registered: 06/17/03
Posts: 13,227
Loc: Pongyang, North Korea
Re: life is so damn tough sometimes [Re: ZippoZ]
    #3924042 - 03/16/05 02:44 AM (11 years, 8 months ago)

im swimming towards the shore of a never ending pond once again tonight.
just waiting for my arms to fail, to sink.

i dont really know if anyone can deal with any of this in the long run or how they do. i mean people arent jumping off of bridges so there has to be some point, okay well... everyone isnt jumping off of a bridge.

maybee we all are though. throwing ourselves to the mercy of the waves and tides, millions of miles from shore with no hope in sight, some of us giving out sooner than others. all heading towards the abyss of the murky waters.

perhaps at some crucial point of change te piles of corpes that have gone before us create a reef, a path of death to an island of life that awaits us in some distant posibility of a future.

everything falling into place for some grand event...

why is it that people always want what it is that they cannot have? why is it that people refuse to allow themselves to obtain what they want? why is it that the mind is so preoccoupied in getting what it wants that just being is not enough?

i watched i heart huckabees lsat night....
made me think that noone really has any idea of what the hell this is all about but most find some thing to believe in or they lose their minds. it dosent matter what, because for every possible belief there is a person believing it and getting by with it.
the gd crowd and their acid,
the chrsitians and their god
the nihlists and their belief that nothing matters
the eavens gate cult and the hale bop comet to heaven
jim jones and his perfect world
ken kesey and his pranks
shulgin and his never ending exploratino of the mind
but not only the positive this list includes ...
the rapists and their victims
the rip off artists and their money
the massochists and the pain they inflict.
the terrorists and their will to destroy
and every one else that is a sulmination of these and others.

i suppose that people just need somtihng, anything, to believe in to gain the will to live, even if it the destruction of others, or even ones own life. to believe solidly in anytihng, just to get by.
its how its done.

i often debated with myself that belief creates reality, and that you can sculpt te workd you expierence around what oyu believe , even defying the natural laws around us. fear too is a belief. to fear it so believe a negitive outcome, ultimately creating that negitive outcome.
those that fear they will be alone their entire lives will be alone untill they overcome their fear....
i was driving through kentucky doing 90 in a 70, and saw a cop on the median of te interstate. i immediately thought we were getting puled over and announced it, we were then pulled over and given a ticket.
later discussing this incident with a friend that was in the car at the time, pointed out that had i not worried or declared that i was getting pulled over that i would not have been.

at the time i dismissed this as idocy, but it does seem to fit rather nicely with the concept of fear/ beliefs creating reality. and that reality is that which i want ot believe....


--------------------
PEACE

:mushroom2:zippoz:mushroom2:



"in times of widespread chaos and confusion, it has been the duty of more advanced human beings - artists, scientists, clowns, and philosophers - to create order. In such times as ours however, when there is too much order, too much m management, too much programming and control, it becomes the duty of superior men and women and women to fling their favorite monkey wrenches into the machinery. To relieve the repression of the human spirit, they must sow doubt and disruption"

"People do it every day, they talk to themselves ... they see themselves as they'd like to be, they don't have the courage you have, to just run with it."


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OfflineoDin
Registered: 08/13/99
Posts: 5,789
Last seen: 3 years, 5 months
Re: life is so damn tough sometimes [Re: ZippoZ]
    #3924091 - 03/16/05 03:02 AM (11 years, 8 months ago)

your path is within, listen to your soul


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