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tried to off myself friday
    #15978962 -

a few deep incisions, ~1g DPH, some grain alcohol, and a failed attempt later, here i am.



who else has been down this road?

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Re: tried to off myself friday [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #15978978 -

not i.

mind if i ask what led you to the road you're on?

and... ever tried walking down another one before this dead end? humans are very dynamic...change and chaos are your friend, not death.

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Re: tried to off myself friday [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #15979187 -

Anonymous #2 said:
not i.

mind if i ask what led you to the road you're on?

and... ever tried walking down another one before this dead end? humans are very dynamic...change and chaos are your friend, not death.



I'm really trying to work on change! and I think death falls under chaos personally


To be as brief as possible, I felt completely alone. Was at my new apartment, alone, with no cable or internet, and a lot of anxiety.

To elaborate, walked into the fiance/commonlaw wife's and my house, overheard her saying to her friend upstairs "Fuck no I'm not inviting him (to a nightclub), not to the after-party either". I wanted to be angry and give her shit for acting like just another whore with no self-respect, but I couldn't; I was just sad, the girl barely ever tries to leave the damned house especially to see her friends. and I certainly don't discourage it anytime it does. I left and went to my newly leased apartment I had gotten because we both agreed we needed to be more independent (in all honesty when i said that i just wanted her to attempt to learn how to cook by watching me and to do her own laundry every once in a while).

I called the few friends I have and nobody answered. What to do. Most of a pint of Everclear (190) in the pantry and there has never been a more appropriate time to drink it. I don't know if this happens to other people but when I really need (want) a drink it goes down better than water. Anyways I took a big (about half the pint) pull from the bottle and called all of my friends again, and then texted them each a few times trying to be obnoxiously serious. Nobody had answered by the time I had smoked a few bowls and cigarettes so I took another pull. The bottle was almost done, in the course of 20 minutes, but the buzz only got a tiny bit stronger. Obviously my body was maxed out at alcohol absorption and I wasn't going to get any drunker any faster. What to do. There was a big kitchen knife on the coffee table next to me. I thought about it. I've done it before, why not again? I started bleeding pretty profusely.

The everclear seemed to be kicking in more as my vision started to haze away. I thought about how I couldnt tell how fast I was really bleeding, it just seemed fast, I went through all 3 of my towels and had to start on my white t'shirts. I know I kept thinking "fuck it", and pretty soon after that I went out and grabbed the bottle I had of Tylenol PM and emptied it. It was a 50 count bottle of 25mg DPH/500mg apap that I have taken some out before, but there were many pills. Washed it down with the rest of the bottle, grabbed the knife again to settle it, then loaded a bowl. It looked like it had only been hit once when I awoke 13 hours later.

ahhh loneliness/

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Re: tried to off myself friday [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #15979227 -

damn dog dont kill yourself if you still have weed, a place to stay, and some cash. first blow all that shit and have some fun. maybe in the process youll find something worth it. i hope your ok man. get some help

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Re: tried to off myself friday [Re: Anonymous #3]
    #15979229 -

aww man. *hugs*

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Re: tried to off myself friday [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #15979246 -

damn bro get help

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Re: tried to off myself friday [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #15979256 -

Anonymous #3 said:
damn dog dont kill yourself if you still have weed, a place to stay, and some cash. first blow all that shit and have some fun. maybe in the process youll find something worth it. i hope your ok man. get some help


I've talked to a few different counselors and every last one of them referred me to a psychiatrist and I'm wholeheartedly against the APA. I've been medicated several different times, but not for almost 4 years now. And as much as I love smoking by myself sometimes I wanna be passing a bowl back and forth shooting the shit ya know?

Anonymous #4 said:
aww man. *hugs*


*hugs back* Thanks four that

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Re: tried to off myself friday [Re: Anonymous #5]
    #15979275 -

Anonymous #5 said:
damn bro get help



Getting multiple responses from different people seems a lot better to me than Ben Stein telling me I need to take this every morning, that with lunch, and this before I go to bed.

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Re: tried to off myself friday [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #15979277 -

What you need is someone to talk to who wont put any of their own ego-games on you. Someone you can be real with and talk about what is bothering you about life. Someone who understands.

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Re: tried to off myself friday [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #15979303 -

Whatever it is your looking for, you wont find it through killing yourself.

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Re: tried to off myself friday [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #15979900 -

I tried to kill myself a few times back in the day. Very similar to how you did.

I know how it feels to be at fucking rock bottom and just want to die. Probably because I was an angsty teenager, but thinking back, the emotional pain was very real at the time.

I didn't kill myself, and I've gotta tell you, I've had a lot of ups and downs since then. There have been times where I wished I succeeded, and times where I completely forgot I was ever in that bad of a funk.

Has the good outweighed the bad? Well...I'm here. So I guess thats a yes. I still consider it from time to time, but there are a lot of options I have before I ever do that again.

I don't pretend to understand your particular situation, but know that life is a strange, wonderful, confusing thing. You just being alive in the first place is a crazy one in a trillion chance. Just think of how big the universe is, and how amazing it is that you're right here, right now...not really a reason to push on, but food for thought if nothing else.

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Re: tried to off myself friday [Re: Anonymous #6]
    #15979957 -

#6 couldn't have said it any better.

No need to re-hash what he/she said. Quite spot on.

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Re: tried to off myself friday [Re: Anonymous #7]
    #15979967 -

Resumé
Razors pain you; Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you; And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful; Nooses give;
Gas smells awful; You might as well live.
-Dorothy Parker

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Re: tried to off myself friday [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #15981197 -

Drink some gasoline, seriously... Look it up...

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Re: tried to off myself friday [Re: Anonymous #6]
    #15981223 -

Anonymous #6 said:
I don't pretend to understand your particular situation, but know that life is a strange, wonderful, confusing thing. You just being alive in the first place is a crazy one in a trillion chance. Just think of how big the universe is, and how amazing it is that you're right here, right now...not really a reason to push on, but food for thought if nothing else.


Thanks btw,

and I've been trying to remind myself this ^, but easier said than done as in most cases. The scariest part for me is when the cosmic joke starts getting at the existentialist in me. I suppose you could also call it derealization.

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Re: tried to off myself friday [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #15981317 -

:hugitout:I think about suicide all the time.  I tried to hang myself once.

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Re: tried to off myself friday [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #15982262 -

You still got a place ? Still got friends to call ? Still got weed to smoke, alcohol to drink ?

Some people are in  worse situations than you are. Way, way worse. I recently moved back to my home country where I don't have friends and nothing to do. I spend my days alone and there's nothing I can do about it, I was recently diagnosed with depression and social anxiety. I don't know your life or your past but man up, at least you can do something about your situation.

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Re: tried to off myself friday [Re: Anonymous #10]
    #15983598 -

Anonymous #10 said:
You still got a place ? Still got friends to call ? Still got weed to smoke, alcohol to drink ?

Some people are in  worse situations than you are. Way, way worse. I recently moved back to my home country where I don't have friends and nothing to do. I spend my days alone and there's nothing I can do about it, I was recently diagnosed with depression and social anxiety. I don't know your life or your past but man up, at least you can do something about your situation.


The fact that he has all those things and yet still wants to end it shows that his pain is real and deep.


OP I feel you. I think you might benefit from a change of scenery. Maybe go travelling in mexico or something. I don't know. Just seems to me like you need to get out of the rut you're in, and get out of your environment.

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Re: tried to off myself friday [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #15984329 -

don't be comitting suicide man. stick around a while. time heals ALL wounds. this i can certify. you never know, after a while you might start to like life again and realise that thangs ain't so bad brother!

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Re: tried to off myself friday [Re: Anonymous #12]
    #15984344 -

Been there done that. Looking back I'm WTF was I thinking? and I facepalm myself for the blinkered view I had of life the universe and everything at the time.

Life is awesome, its just at some stages in our lives we cant see the truth of this and only see what we want to see which is dark oppressive bollocks.

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