Can someone point me in the right direction? I am a lost soul! I am a 42 year old BOY! I am addicted to being addicted. You name it, I'm on it. Alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, the internet, single women with children on a fixed income; I feel the need to use them in the most extreme ways. I just can't help myself. I know that I am no good, but I can't stop. I am very paranoid in the most dangerous ways, but for some reason I just don't care.
I have a major mental illness so I am told, and deep down in side I know and I fit the profiles that I read about, but I am scared that if I let this information out the government will lock me up for life! I am scared of myself! What I might do, to others, to my next dog, etc....I have already hurt myself so bad that I am unrepairable. I got Hepatitis C from using drugs and people, and now I feel like I don't care if I give it to everyone else. I figure, Fuck It! I got it, I might as well spread it. If someone don't take precautions, it's on them. I know that sounds selfish, but you see that is a part of my mentality.
My nick name that I gave my self is DICK DEADLY, that has been my nick name for years even before I got this H.C.V, it's almost like I knew it was going to happen to me. I don't know, I guess I knew it was coming, after years of slamming dope in my arms and sharing needles and using and reusing dirty needles I guess I had it coming. I have always been a self centered prick, only caring about how I could get my next fix, not even caring about where I was going to lay my head the next night or how to take care of any children I have or any thing that truly matters in life, just dope, just my sweet dope, cause ya know my dope has always been there for me and it will always be there for me....aaahhhhh my sweet love, my dope.
Well, I am about to have to go, my friend is about to go to bed and is making me leave and I have to go down the street, it is raining, I have to set up a little area under some boards to sleep tonight, it is pretty nasty out but it is fine with me, I will be sleeping soon because I have been drinking and I took some dope, and I will be out and I will not know about the weather after awhile anyway, before I know it, it will be morning and I will be going on a hunt for some more dope and everything will be fine once again.
I will be getting back soon to see if anyone has any ideas for me, any directions in which to point me in. I would appreciate some help. Like I said, I am 42 and I do believe I am getting a little old for this, and I fear that I may be getting a little to sick for this too. Plus I am starting to feel a little lonely, sometimes the voices don't come, sometime the nightmares do, those are the worst. In my nightmares I have a bunch of black guys chasing me and attacking and trying to kill me, I haven't figured out what that's all about yet, but, anyways. I will be checking back.
Peace
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