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I feel lost/confused....added a poll
    #7058806 -

As some of you know my marriage is on the rocks.
Has been for years.

Things are not getting better.......well, kinda. My wife recently realized she may have ADD. I have known for YEARS that there was something wrong with her. If  she is willing to work on her problems (ADD).....there is a slight chance for the relationship to survive.........slight. We will probably always have problems, but I do still love her......on some level......

Can my love for her be rekindled? :shrug:

I was recently diagnosed as BI-polar (again)  and was placed on a single pill, Lamictal, rather than a cocktail of meds.
I just started my 3rd week with it.
Haven't noticed any real difference.
Other than being sure that I'm not happy living with my wife.

Being bi-polar, and my wife being ADD......the last 17 years have been HELL......to say the least. Unlike many people with ADD, my wife has NO libido.......none. With me being bi-polar, I have a HUGE libido. Our sex life as been so sparse that, we never had and kids of our own.
Sex is very important to me, I need it at least 2-3 times a week.....not 1-2 times a month

:crankey:

Being bi-polar, I tend to be somewhat forceful/intimidating. With her being ADD she does not respond to forcefulness......she shuts down instead......leading to some interesting arguments.

The last 2-3 years have been a living hell. I have been worried about my wife for a long time now. With her recently having a cancer scare, and then having to have a hysterectomy (to nip the problem in the bud so to speak).......I am some what angry with her, for not taking better care of her self.......kinda selfish I know, but I cant help how I feel about this issue.

She should have gone for a pap smear YEARS ago.


That anger, combined with the frustration of the last 4-5 weeks has me considering getting a divorce.........but that scares the shit outta me.

{The last month or so have been much tougher that I could have ever imagined. Closest I've come to suicide without actually trying it}

I have a "friend" that is in a similar situation.
If I leave my wife....
there is a chance for a new life, with a person whom I have much more in common with than my wife......
we both have "feelings" for each other, that go beyond the physical, and into the spiritual.
I could easily see my self happy with her.
She has already agreed to move in with me if we both get a divorce from our current spouse

:bouncysmoke:

.......and then there is the chance at me living alone for a LONG time.


I don't do well by myself........I was meant to be married to someone, but don't see me finding anyone else, since I'm 40 and not into the club scene.

Gonna be hard to find a partner at my age.

:crying:

So I feel so lost/confused.

Do I give my current relationship another try, out of a sense of security, or do I grab for the dream?

:confused:


Please vote in the poll I started in this thread.
Thanks

:peace:

Edited by niteowl (06/22/07 10:41 PM)

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Re: I feel lost/confused [Re: niteowl]
    #7058837 -

Please just tell me you aren't trying to get with "MyInnerChild" on this site.

That would be too much.

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Re: I feel lost/confused [Re: niteowl]
    #7058841 -

In all honesty, it sounds like you've reached a dead end. You can either stay with her, brave the unhappy waters and hope for a change or move on with your life and alleviate yourself of the stress and bad energy. A glimmer of hope is often a thorn in the side. You may end up spending the rest of your life hoping for that glimmer to become brighter. Were it me, I'd move on.


--------------------
History says, Don't hope

On this side of the grave.

But then, once in a lifetime

The longed-for tidal wave

Of justice can rise up

And hope and history rhyme.

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Re: I feel lost/confused [Re: Left Nut City]
    #7058853 -

:lolz0rz:

No, I think her "boy friend" was much younger than me :yesnod:

My situation is similar though, in many ways.

The only difference is, I have actually known my "gf" for over 10 years.


--------------------
Live for the moment you are in now
Don't be bogged down by your past
Don't be afraid of what lies in your future

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Re: I feel lost/confused [Re: niteowl]
    #7058867 -

i don't know what to say, that's a really tough situation, only you can decide something like that.

i also don't think you're going to get the wisest responses to a question like that on the shroomery, as i'm sure 95% of us are in our early 20s or late teens and have never been married before. take that into consideration when reading advice on here.

i wish you the best of luck in your situation


--------------------

Not all who wander are lost - J.R.R. Tolkien

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Re: I feel lost/confused [Re: niteowl]
    #7058887 -

wow bro - sounds like you have a LOT on your mind.  good luck sorting everything out.

:undecided:

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Re: I feel lost/confused [Re: nightkrawler]
    #7058888 -

There are more older shroomerites than you think :wink:


--------------------
Live for the moment you are in now
Don't be bogged down by your past
Don't be afraid of what lies in your future

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Re: I feel lost/confused [Re: niteowl]
    #7058889 -

I don't know what to tell you man... I have no idea what it would be like to be in that situation. It sounds really hopeless. All I can advise is to do whatever you have to do without any dishonesty.


--------------------
Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man.  For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire.  Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it.

~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"

:heartpump:

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Re: I feel lost/confused [Re: xjuan]
    #7058898 -

xjuan said:
wow bro - sounds like you have a LOT on your mind.  good luck sorting everything out.

:undecided:


Thanks........and yea, my plate/head is pretty full right now.....need a good dose of shrooms to help sort this issue out

:grin:


--------------------
Live for the moment you are in now
Don't be bogged down by your past
Don't be afraid of what lies in your future

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Re: I feel lost/confused [Re: niteowl]
    #7058903 -

leave her


:shrug:

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Re: I feel lost/confused [Re: WhiskeyClone]
    #7058909 -

Quote:
All I can advise is to do whatever you have to do without any dishonesty.


I can honestly say that I have never cheated on my wife..........yet :tongue:


--------------------
Live for the moment you are in now
Don't be bogged down by your past
Don't be afraid of what lies in your future

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Re: I feel lost/confused [Re: niteowl]
    #7058935 -

niteowl said:
There are more older shroomerites than you think :wink:


oh, i definitely know there's older ones on here, but i bet no one over 28 has responded yet :wink:

and they certainly wont make the majority of the posts


--------------------

Not all who wander are lost - J.R.R. Tolkien

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Re: I feel lost/confused [Re: nightkrawler]
    #7058967 -

Probably not.

I expect a few will PM me about it though :thumbup:

The main reason for writing this, was to help get it off my chest.
Makes me feel better if I can write my problems down on paper.
Helps me get things figured out in my head

:levitate:


--------------------
Live for the moment you are in now
Don't be bogged down by your past
Don't be afraid of what lies in your future

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Re: I feel lost/confused [Re: niteowl]
    #7059069 -

Well there's alot of variables aren't there?

1) You just got put on a new med and so has she.  Her health problems probably had alot to do with her lack of libido.  But if you have stayed with her this long then the sex might not be as important to you as you think.  Do you really want to leave because of lack of sex?

2) Best relationship advice ever given to me:  Don't jump from one bad relationship to another.  Take some time for yourself(if you do leave) and figure out who you are.  Otherwise you will be moving extra "baggage" in as well.

3)  This other person is married as well?  So how will you manage if after y'all try it for a couple months she decides to go back? Not saying she will, but...............you never know.

One other thing, no offense but I have had some experience dealing with people who are bi-polar and y'all aren't that easy to live with either!

I know marriage is hard.  I love my husband alot and can still attest to how difficult it is to put up with somebody day in and day out.  Just make sure you don't do anything you can't undo until you are positive  it's what you really want.  Good luck and clear thinking!:plur:


--------------------

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Re: I feel lost/confused [Re: niteowl]
    #7059189 -

I'm 53. Best thing I can tell you is not to make a hasty decision. Once you head down a path you may not be able to go back. Take some time to think before you do anything.

I've read a lot of your post and think in time you will do what is best for you.

When it comes to a long time love there is no easy path.

Good Luck


  :sun:


--------------------
Child of the 60's, Tripping ever since.


:sun:

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Re: I feel lost/confused [Re: mushbaby]
    #7059273 -

L.N.C.-I'm the "friend" okay? Rolls eyes.... I'm the one who advised Mr. Owl to confirm the ADD thing and without yelling or threatening...gently encourage her to get help. She's not on meds yet...she first will have to have an assessment and a shrink appt.

Mushbaby is right on. Gotta say "ditto". I drive my guy crazy with interrupting him when he speaks and he criticized me terribly for it and I ...shut him out/couldn't take it and NOW he says...Oh, it was the ADD all along...oops. I flipped....YEARS of being blamed...but hey it wasn't his fault either...he really thought I could control it but refused. I had the book Driven To Distraction in my house for two years and had been asked to read it a year ago...Fri. I completed one week on medication. Took me a while....
I'm better focused and much more efficient at work but when i come down at home (To get an appetite and be able to sleep) I get impetuous again.
Thankfully, we both are able and follow through when it comes to sex, though, I being the higher strung one, want more than he can deliver but bless his heart he tries to be agreeable. It gets late, a kid has a crisis, his mother calls etc. and it just can't happen...we both work in the morning. (Off form school in 2 days!!!)

My problem was not lack of actual sex but lack of affection which the offended party doesn't feel forthcoming with which causes a viscous cycle. Once on meds I made it clear that even if we're not going to have sex I MUST get a hug daily or something in my soul me will dry up. I NEED touching. Mr. Owl sounds like a thinking individual who wants to have as normal a life as possible coupled with his basic needs being met. Sex is basic unless it's understood when you marry that there is a limitation.

I see both sides..he has needs, hers needs have not been met leading to this cycle/downward spiral. Medication MUST go hand in hand with counseling. That part can be painful. It's hard to admit that the problem came from you and face all the negs that come up when reality dawns. My demons are relatively simple to deal with than Mrs. Owl's

May you both get what you need, with whomever will be a help, not a hindrance to personal growth...and great sex. No uterus=no menstruation...that could be a plus....
I found working out VERY helpful...Mrs. Owl doesn't go. You need to work off extra energy and up the heart rate and such...VERY good for ADD folks. Being a tomboy helps in this case. I don't mind sweating and I don't worry if every hair is in place. I do like showering off after a bowl to chill out at the end of the day though....

The best of everything to y'all!
MIC


--------------------

My inner child runs with scissors but plays nicely with others!

Sometimes the light's all shine'in on me,
Other times I can barely see.
Lately it occurs to me,
What a looong strange trip it's been! ~ Truck'in

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Re: I feel lost/confused [Re: niteowl]
    #7059620 -

Do you think it would help HER if you left for a bit? Not really bring up the idea of divorce, but get away from each other for a few weeks to allow YOU to do some thinking, and cross your fingers that she will do the same?

I've been reading your posts awhile, and I can relate to many of your feelings on a smaller scale. I can only imagine the corner you feel painted into. I know being alone can be awful, yet when you're with someone and you're unhappy, you tend to forget just how awful loneliness can be. Therefore, when you do come back to that person, you have a better understanding of just why you were even with them to begin with OR you like being alone and have more confidence to roll the dice, walk away and start a new life. Either way, you come to some clarity without constantly having to interact with the other person, which in my experience can really cloud the mind and judgement.

You'll do what's best when the best time to come to a conclusion presents itself.


--------------------
"The Highways of Life are Paved with Flat Squirrels who Couldn't Make Up Their Minds"

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Re: I feel lost/confused [Re: DrCamacho89]
    #7060237 -

I agree with Dr. C. 100%.....stepping back to get your bearings is a great idea. Put things into perspective even just over a week-end camping trip full of enlightenment! Sounds good...let me know when and where okay? Well, they already think we're hooked up right? LOL!

But seriously, as far a divorce goes, I must state my personal opinion that too many people look at marriage as disposable. I'm not claiming Dr. C. does...just society in general is a fact and worse in California man....dude!

A commitment isn't just to get free sex.....
Divorce exists for a reason, and sometimes it's necessary, I know, believe me I begged just to get it over with and let it die but my husband quoted a wise man who said...and I agree...."If you make it all the way to the (alter) with someone.....then they were your destined one at that moment". Not forever? Could be, but that isn't to be taken lightly. It's not just so we won't be lonley. That's what pets are for. We're not talk'in a Britney Spears kinda marriage here or Gabour kinda marriage either....I'm talk'in quality, not quantity...LOL!


I "came out" to my brother about my meds and he replied that he's been giving his wife a break and been taking something for a year but had to switch till he found something that worked...namely concerta. He said it sounds like we're coming out of the closet to each other and that lead me to write the following to him. I decided to copy it here for y'all for whatever good it does ya... Gotta laugh about it...or cry...so I laugh...  :laugh:

If ADD were homosexuality....
They'd ask us:

-Have you ever tried not Having an ADD dear?

-Can't you stop having an ADD if you know it embarrasses your family?

-Just pretend you don't have an ADD.

-Have your ADD, just don't involve me.

and last but not least....

-G-d hates ADD!

!? That may be so though I doubt it cuz he made me this way.....but....even if it was true, so do I, but that's me so let's deal with it from where I'm coming from.

I'm sure a lot of people would LOVE it if homosexuality could be dealt with by taking a pill....oh yeah.

Have a focused day everyone!
Love ya! xxx ooo
MIC

Edited by MyInnerChild (06/18/07 05:17 AM)

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Re: I feel lost/confused [Re: MyInnerChild]
    #7060552 -

Marriage is disposable nowadays, I agree, and I wish more people looked at a failing marriage as something that needs to be worked out rather than an automatic "it's too late, time to regroup and try again with someone new". Nite Owl may ponder cheating, walking away and starting fresh, but when it boils down to it, he's been trying his ass off for years to figure this one out pretty admirably. No one ever set up a time table, and I believe that's what's most confusing I'm sure.

Hey inner child, just as a side comment. Has your ADD gotten worse since you're discovered you had it or better? You mention it a lot, and I wonder if there is a way of escalating it's seriousness due to constantly recognizing it as a presence in your life, OR perhaps it's the opposite? I'm not sure, you tell me. I have ADD, found out 2 years ago, I took Adderall for 10 days as a trial last month, but need to wait for the benefits of my next job to kick in to get on it more long term. I try not to look at it as a weakness. I try not to get frustrated at myself when I lose something, forget something, or go a whole day without accomplishing one thing. See, when I get down on myself about those things, I get too depressed and it can get ugly, so I just make sure to push myself to do things to stave that off when I can.

I have come to accept that as a part of me. While my girl (ex, now taking it slow, but giving it a try after a break of a few months) gets real frustrated with me, she's realized that she can't change that, only be encouraging and is willing to be the one to take the lead when it comes to getting balls rolling. I have no problem getting things done once the balls rolling, it's getting the motivation to start that is the hard part for me. We'll see how this system works.


--------------------
"The Highways of Life are Paved with Flat Squirrels who Couldn't Make Up Their Minds"

Edited by DrCamacho89 (06/18/07 08:36 AM)

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Re: I feel lost/confused [Re: niteowl]
    #7060622 -

Just do what you think will make you happy, no one knows for sure what will happen once they start to travel down a certain path, we can only look at what is up ahead and go for it, there could be a pit of quicksand up ahead, or a meadow of golden flowers....

although it sounds like your stuck in a quicksand already. grab a vine man.

I would consider saying everything that you said in your post to your wife. be honest.

keep it real!

p.s. another idea might be to take a trip by yourself to some quiet place, to think...maybe a vision will come to you...

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