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He's not as consistently funny as P J O'Rourke, but he's a much more prolific writer, so I'd have to say I get more laughs overall from Steyn. Here's the first part of his latest column. More at the link:
THE KERRYNESS OF KERRY
If I?ve been following the campaign correctly, the typical John Kerry day involves an early-morning stop at Bud?s Truck Stop on Rte 103 at which the Senator orders a hot dog. Asked what he wants on it, he says an aubergine and lemongrass coulis. Afterwards, he heads to Idaho for a windsurfing photo-op to communicate his virility, after first flying out his stylist from Cristophe?s to mousse his hair into its windswept and tousled position. Following questions from the press on the cost of his hairdresser, he first denies that he has a hairdresser and then, when her curling tongs and rollers are pointed out in the back of his family?s SUV, snaps, ?She?s not my hairdresser, she?s the family?s hairdresser.?
Later, after a two-man luge run with his Secret Service agent ends with him falling off after 50 yards, he snarls, ?I don?t fall off. That sonofabitch agent arched his back too high.? Conceding that he was never in Cambodia on Christmas Eve 1968, the Senator says that those words were repeatedly placed in his mouth by over-zealous speechwriters. He wasn?t in Cambodia, his wife?s first husband?s corporation?s wholly owned subsidiary was in Cambodia. ?But if George W Bush?s Republican smear machine wants to make our service in Vietnam an issue, I say to them: BRING. IT. ON!?
?But they have brought it on.?
?Well, if they want to continue bringing it on, I say to them: BRING. IT. ON!?
?But your campaign has put out an ad that President Bush call it off.?
?Well, if he wants to make an issue of my begging him to call it off, I say to him: BRING. IT. ON.?
The day ends with the Senator throwing the first pitch at the Red Sox game. It lands on his red sock and breaks his toe, resulting in him taking two weeks off for surgery, in the course of which his numbers go up four points.
If it weren?t for the small matter of the war for civilization, I?d find it hard to resist a Kerry Presidency. Groucho Marx once observed that an audience will laugh at an actress playing an old lady pretending to fall downstairs, but, for a professional comic to laugh, it has to be a real old lady. That?s how I feel about the Kerry campaign. For the professional political analyst, watching Mondale or Dukakis or Howard Dean stuck in the part of the guy who falls downstairs is never very satisfying: they?re average, unexceptional fellows whom circumstances have conspired to transform into walking disasters. But Senator Kerry was made for the role, a vain thin-skinned droning blueblood with an indestructible sense of his own status but none at all of his own ridiculousness. If Karl Rove had labored for a decade to produce a walking parody of the contemporary Democratic Party?s remoteness, condescension, sense of entitlement, public evasiveness and tortured relationship with military matters, he couldn?t have improved on John F Kerry.
For most of us this would be more than enough to see us through November: Why did John Kerry cross the road? ?I crossed the road to volunteer for Vietnam. Some of us know something about what it means to cross the road.? Who was that lady I saw you with last night? ?That was no lady, that was my meal ticket.? How many John Kerrys does it take to change a lightbulb? At least four. One to approve the removal of the old lightbulb. One to declare his courageous commitment to replacing the old bulb. One to vote against funding the new lightbulb. And one to denounce George W Bush and America?s Benedict Arnold CEOs for leaving everyone in the dark.?
It seems almost a shame to over-egg the Kerry pudding with the dark unsettling shadow of his war fantasies, the strange double inflation of his own exploits and of everyone else?s ?war crimes?. Even then, the Swift vets? campaign on Kerry?s actions 35 years ago seems most effective in driving him to idiotic actions right now, such as his demand to his lawyers that they threaten action against bookstores carrying Unfit For Command.
Fortunately, most bookstore owners are too busy defending the ?freedom to read the books you choose? against John Ashcroft?s Patriot Act to take umbrage at Kerry?s cease-and-desist letters. But imagine if Bush were to threaten lawsuits over every book that was unpleasant about him: every bookstore would be two-thirds empty and you could hunt buffalo on the plains of their floor space. ..........
Go ahead and click the link to read the rest. You know you want to.
Re: Mark Steyn cracks me up [Re: Phred] #3162663 - 09/22/04 12:09 AM (12 years, 10 months ago)
But Senator Kerry was made for the role, a vain thin-skinned droning blueblood with an indestructible sense of his own status but none at all of his own ridiculousness. If Karl Rove had labored for a decade to produce a walking parody of the contemporary Democratic Party?s remoteness, condescension, sense of entitlement, public evasiveness and tortured relationship with military matters, he couldn?t have improved on John F Kerry.
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