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Setting boundaries and being assertive
    #29618204 -

Looking for advice

How the fuck do you actually set boundaries and be assertive? I'm so scared that
1 - they won't listen
2 - I'll get annoyed at the outcome

This is a lifetime of keeping a million secrets from people and pretending it's all okay. The secrets are all the things I didn't like but didn't feel I had a right to even bring it up. It's ruining my chances at happiness.

DBT sets out some scripts type thing for how to ask. I just don't know how to put it into practice.

A side note, fuck being autistic. Everything that should be easier is a million times harder.


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Re: Setting boundaries and being assertive [Re: ellamush]
    #29618213 -

Just set boundaries and let it hang out, nothing you can do otherwise. Also cheer up dating in modern world is  hard, autism has nothing to do with it. Your female so you have an advantage in picking people.  So if they break your boundaries and it upsets you ,you can just leave them and find a weaker partner.


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The better guide to grow mushrooms.
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Beware the power of one.  The power of two. The power of many.

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Re: Setting boundaries and being assertive [Re: vicepope]
    #29618229 -

Thanks. Autism does have a bit to do it with it but I appreciate your perspective

He's not my partner. He was friend zoned a minute in to meeting him.


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Re: Setting boundaries and being assertive [Re: vicepope] * 2
    #29618235 -

Yeah don't listen to this guy's myopic perspective.

Assertiveness comes from simply stating your position on something with an "I" statement.  For example, somebody asks you to eat somewhere you don't like, you say "I don't like that restaurant, maybe we could try Xrestaurant instead?". Not only are you showing your preference but you are also creating a dialogue. 

Note that there is a line between being assertive and aggressive, when you begin telling people what to do with "you" statements, you are no longer simply stating your position, you are actually directing what you want/feel at someone without giving them the opportunity to interact with you conversationally.

Being autistic doesn't make it easier, as many people pick up on these social cues naturally and have the luxury of mental normalcy that you lack. 

Which brings me to your initial fear.  Truthfully speaking if you assert yourself with somebody and they MAKE you regret it, that is a SHITTY person, and you should stay away from them.  Yeah it sucks, sometimes you really like someone or respect them, but they have no respect for your boundaries.  This can be dangerous.  Yes some people may just make you uncomfortable for trying to be assertive and set boundaries with them, and that's shitty.  But some people prey on other people in different ways and these people rarely have respect enough for other's agency as an individual.  You could get hurt, and unfortunately, being autistic makes you even more vulnerable to people who will try to prey upon you because they think you're too weak to stand up for yourself. 

So in reality, you should set boundaries so YOU feel more comfortable.  Think about what you want while you're in conversation and address that by saying I want/feel/think/etc... In addition, boundaries help spur conversation, which will help you grow socially.  Pay attention to the people who do not want you to assert yourself or mistreat you because you have!  Asserting yourself will make these people obvious.

My penultimate point to address is that since you're on the spectrum you really owe it to yourself to find friends who not only respect your boundaries, but recognize how hard it is for you to stand up for yourself and communicate effectively.  I recommend you find people who are intelligent and capable enough of understanding your boundaries that they don't sweat the fact that you HAVE to learn this stuff because you just do not pick up on it.  Be patient with yourself in this process, but also find others who will be patient with you.  You deserve that.  Take the time to figure out who is legitimately interested in you for you, or if they want something to do with you that you don't want!!!

And this guy you're talking about?  If he doesn't respect your boundaries then stop talking to him.  Literally tell him, "I don't like that you don't respect my boundaries and it makes me uncomfortable.  If I cannot assert myself with you I need you to leave me alone."

Seriously fuck anyone who doesn't give a fuck about your boundaries.  You don't have to repeat yourself.  If they don't respect it the first time it comes out of your mouth, then they can find someone else to bother.  Do not get sucked into the mess this person will make of your life.  I would recommend burning the bridge and keeping away from him.

Hope this helps.

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Re: Setting boundaries and being assertive [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #29618262 -

Really and truly thank you, THANK YOU for your response.

I will speak to him. I need to get the courage to do so. Tbh it should be easier now that I have come to the conclusion I don't want to maintain the friendship. (Ie, if he is not receptive then I won't feel too hurt to call the end). Unfortunately it's a bit difficult being on the lease with him for another 6-7 months. I'm trying to keep in mind it is much better than two housemates I had over the space of 2024-25.


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Re: Setting boundaries and being assertive [Re: ellamush]
    #29618275 -

Just be careful.  If he is violating your boundaries you might be right to be apprehensive.  I would find a new place to live if you are able.  I would also shy away from living with men for the reasons listed above.  Men are dangerous.  As a man, I know this.  Good men can control it, but bad men cannot, and based on how this is making you feel, you are not dealing with a good man.  Really recommend changing your living situation and living with women.

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Re: Setting boundaries and being assertive [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #29618280 -

I absolutely agree with you regarding living with men being an issue for me personally. As I've mentioned on other threads its led to some kind of trauma response.

I don't feel threatened by this guy. I'm just not comfortable. Probably compounded by being in a stressful unemployment situation.

I would love to live with women. I have had more positive experiences with women than with men. Although still had some issues.

I don't know.


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Re: Setting boundaries and being assertive [Re: ellamush]
    #29630427 -

I think autism has a lot to do with it personally, especially for someone who is high masking. Every action is trying to test rules in society's games, testing how much of yourself can be let out, if people will like you, if you'll come off weird.

I resonate a lot with trying to do both myself, because my youth taught me that being a people pleaser is the easiest way to navigate the world with autism.

I say do your best to be authentically yourself, communicate your needs and hard lines as needed based on the situation. I'm not great at this myself but doing what I can.

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Re: Setting boundaries and being assertive [Re: ellamush] * 1
    #29637826 -

ellamush said:
Looking for advice

How the fuck do you actually set boundaries and be assertive? I'm so scared that
1 - they won't listen
2 - I'll get annoyed at the outcome

This is a lifetime of keeping a million secrets from people and pretending it's all okay. The secrets are all the things I didn't like but didn't feel I had a right to even bring it up. It's ruining my chances at happiness.

DBT sets out some scripts type thing for how to ask. I just don't know how to put it into practice.

A side note, fuck being autistic. Everything that should be easier is a million times harder.




Heya!

I'm also autistic, boundaries are fucking BRUTAL to try and establish, but it is so rewarding.

the thing that's important to note is if you set a boundary with someone and they get annoyed, ignore you, or are upset by it, that isn't someone you want to be with.

be up front about them, and don't hesitate to turn away if they're not respected, your boundaries are an extension of yourself, to disrespect your boundaries is to disrespect you directly.

i wish i had better advice about the way you actually set them, in my experience so far i've only dated people who are also autistic, at least to some degree, and the conversation typically goes like "Hey, just so you know, I don't like when you do that" or "I'd prefer if you didn't do that"

wishing you the best, it gets easier after you've done it some.


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i remember a time before scaffolding, maybe you can too, if you think about it :sporedrop:







my genetic library :laugh:

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Re: Setting boundaries and being assertive [Re: charby]
    #29638094 -

Thanks for your response!

I'm having most issues with friends because I'm not dating right now. I actually set a boundary with my friend on a recent holiday and said "I am setting a boundary here. I do not want to talk about this topic". She kept going and I walked off before it turned into a massive argument. We worked it out in the end (she and I always get into arguments known her for 18 years and nothing changes lol. Good to know we can work through them).

I spoke to her about boundaries because I thought maybe she didn't know what they were (this was after the fight and out of that context so I wasn't like preaching). Turns out she couldn't even give a definition of them so I told her about them. She's a good person and prone to getting used and walked on so it will be good for her to learn about them for her sake


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Re: Setting boundaries and being assertive [Re: ellamush] * 1
    #29638257 -

My housemate began complaining about his love life after I asked him how his online dating was going.

I sorta just let it roll through then changed the subject. Not really assertive but at least I didn't overstep what I'm willing to listen to.

Been speaking to a few friends about this situation and the only way forward is for me to move on from this friendship once we stop living together. Cut ties. For the interim I really do want to sit and have a conversation about it but I just am wussing out. I know it's the right thing to do but I just scared.

Anyway sorry venting rn.


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Re: Setting boundaries and being assertive [Re: ellamush]
    #29640245 -

Cowardice is sometimes the better part of valor. Pick your battles, and fight them when you're emotinoally and coginitively prepared. There's a fine line between wise avoidance and being stupidly assertive. You can take the risk when you're ready. Stepping into it too early can create problems for you, and that can also create problems for your friend if you get trapped. Think about why you're scared until you have a rational understanding that feels okayish, and then think about what you can do about it and reflect on how that sounds (rationally), AND how it makes you feel. Those things work best when they're in agreement. Reason works best when it's supported by emotion, and vice versa. If there's disagreement, then at some point it might help to take the risk so you can figure the situation out, but it always helps to have some expectations about outcomes, along with some plans for the extremes so you can salvage\survive a desparate outcome. Know your exits and have a reasonable excape plan so you can perform a tactical retreat (It's a wise and brave act of cowardice in the eyes of seasoned warriors that will earn you a seat in Valhalla).

I'm a fairly confident guy when I need to be, but I usually have a way out and back in if I need it, and I'll take either of those shamelessly if and when I feel the need. You can always apologise and make excuses later if you're desparate in the moment. Better to retreat and live to fight bravley and more wisely another day. Risk management is largely about damage controll (both reactive, when surprised, and predictive, when worried), and there is freedom and confidence in that realization. A worhty loss means you get to fight another day.

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Re: Setting boundaries and being assertive [Re: Mr.GuessWork]
    #29640392 -

That's really helpful thanks. Reminds me a lot of Wise Mind (from DBT therapy) and also what I've been learning about risk management in stock trading.

I've decided I'm gonna talk to the person causing me issues. I just need to plan it because I don't do well in conflict and I don't like hurting others. Usually I just go nuclear and end the relationship/friendship lol


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Re: Setting boundaries and being assertive [Re: ellamush]
    #29640401 -

I have a friend who is a life coach on this very topic. Here’s his site if you’re interested lol

https://www.instagram.com/thepeopledispleaser==


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notapillow said: "you are going about this endeavor all wrong. clear your mind of useless fear and concern. buy the ticket, take the ride, and all that.... "

ChrisWho said: "It's all about the journey, not the destination."

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Re: Setting boundaries and being assertive [Re: ellamush]
    #29641808 -

I remember some of your earlier posts, and I think you're doing pretty good. :hug:. I think it's important to plan for the battle ahead so you have an idea about what to do if you win or lose, and to plan for failure so you can live to plan/fight-if-trappped another day. You are a suvivor if nothing else, and that matters. Part of risk assement is Choosing to fight small battles to test strategies so you figure out what works without losing too much. It sets the groudwork for wisely taking bigger risks in the future, when you've bulit the groundwork for it so you can handle bigger losses and bigger wins. Security is, at least in part, about manageing your reserves so you can withstand the loss associated with taking the risks needed to accomplish meaningful gains.

I am enjoying your approach to exploring it for yourself. You've gotten much better at resilience over the years. Take a moment to appreciate that. I don't know what this means to you, but coming from a stranger whose read your posts mostly in passing.... Thanks. Makes me feel good about it all, despite the worthy despair on my own end. Keep at it. Happy to exist in the world with you.

:heart::heart::heart:

Edited by Mr.GuessWork (08/06/26 04:40 PM)

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Re: Setting boundaries and being assertive [Re: Mr.GuessWork]
    #29642191 -

You're so nice :smile:
Thanks that does mean a lot.

It definitely is a big learning curve. Glad I finally got to learn some of it tho. Makes all the pain and shit of the last few years worthwhile


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