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Her daughter has always been a big part of her life which I accept for the most part.

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This is where I need to start.  When you date a woman with a child, you should automatically realize what's on the table and what's at stake.  When you realized she had a kid did you just think to yourself "well as long as I can keep the mother on my page and keep the rug rat exposure to a minimum, we are all good"?  Did you ever once at the beginning say, "hey look, I need to tell you how I feel about you having a daughter.  I'm okay with it, as long as you agree to not keep her around much"?  And of course, what good mother is going to agree to that?

That's when you begin to date and enter into a relationship....let alone falling in love and moving in together.

So on one hand, I feel like you have been very misleading to her from the get go.

On the other hand, any good mother should have picked up on this from your behaviour and comments when the kid is around too much and confronted you about it all.

At the end of the day, it seems like both of you, put your own needs, desires, lust and love...above the childs.

Just what I see

Now, I cant judge someone for not wanting to be a parent.  That's fair.  And perhaps this is a learning experience for you not to repeat these mistakes in the future.

When you say the lease is up in May and you talked about it with her...can I ask you what you said to her?

It should have went something like this:

"I need to have a serious talk with you about our future. I'm starting to realize and think I'm not cut out to be a dad and I think this is something I can't be okay with, regardless of how much I love you.  I dont want to hurt you or the kid and I would never ask you to choose me over your child, so I'm starting to think maybe we should go our own way in May"

I really hope you instead, didnt basically give her an ultimatum of you over the kid kinds thing.

As far as the fears of starting over...all legitimate.  Welcome to the fears of every couple going through a divorce or separation. Its brutal.  It's scary.  Its emotional.  All things you need to just eat, especially when it comes to the best interests of someone you love and a child.  Even harder when you still love someone and external reasons require it.

In a way, you made this bed over 4.5 years.  Now you need to lay in it unfortunately.  Live and learn man.

You have 2 options at the end of the day...

Option A: you know in your heart of hearts you cant and dont want to be a dad.  You keep the best interests of the child and mother in mind and do the hard, but right thing, and move on.

Option B: you realize you can do this and shes worth it.  The child is worth it.  You love them and the idea of being with them both far outweighs the idea of living alone or starting over with someone else and living a kidless life.


No matter which option you choose, carry it out accordingly with honour, respect and love.  Dont let fear and selfishness twist your actions and words.


Tough situation and I wish you best of luck whatever path you choose. Keep us updated please

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heart to heart about our direction

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means?

Like I mentioned in the previous post, i think it's fairly black and white (option a or b).  If you were allowed to be selfish, ultimately what is the "direction" youd like to see with her?

Hopefully when you say you are being open with her, you are telling her everything you are telling us?

I'm saddened by your position.  It seems you fell in love with both mother and child, moved in, every things good...a desire to be with both and then, things start to shift for you and you dont like the idea of being a dad anymore.  But now are torn whether to stay and accept your responsibilities or leave and lose someone you love.

Tough man


But when a child is involved, any hardships for you should be inconsequential...remember that.