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Unfolding Nature Shop: Unfolding Nature: Being in the Implicate Order

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Re: Need help on a serious relationship question that may involve a breakup [Re: MadHatter333]
    #25829957 -

She’s most likely got a plan in the works for bailing on you now.  That’s a card you don’t reveal until you have to reveal it.  Until then it comes in the positive form of trying to ‘better’ or ‘repair’, ‘further strengthen the bond’.  You may have just fucked yourself into getting your wish..


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Re: Need help on a serious relationship question that may involve a breakup [Re: Amanita86]
    #25830064 -

Well maybe hiding it is worse. If we can’t talk about our issues than what’s the point? I know she’s already cheated on me several times throughout our relationship. She’d never admit it, but the proof was there as well as the gut feeling.

I don’t expect anyone to understand my plight. Just trying to see a difference in opinion. I may as well give up.


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Re: Need help on a serious relationship question that may involve a breakup [Re: MadHatter333]
    #25830083 -

I think I understand, at least in my own way.  I wouldn’t give up.  If it’s not a fit, it’s not a fit...  but what if it’s the one?  I don’t know..  I know what it is to be in that spot and I know the ‘nuances’ that come into play only you see and feel so I wouldn’t want to suggest something wrong because I’m essentually flying blind over here.


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Re: Need help on a serious relationship question that may involve a breakup [Re: Amanita86]
    #25830117 -

I appreciate your input on the matter, and understand where you’re coming from.

I do understand a few things about the feminine mind. They live from emotion and want to feel sexy and secure in a relationship. I understand my roll in the matter of giving her love and affection.

When she comes home I’ll have some music on and a bowl loaded for her. She’s not always so chipper after work, so I try my best to help her feel comfortable. Just today she had her grandma over for a visit, and I turned on Netflix for her daughter to watch.

I kinda keep my distance sometimes, but hold space for them to share their time together.

Idk... I’m more of a distant person by nature. But I have good intentions for the most part. There’s also a side of me that isn’t always so nice or affectionate. It comes out and I have a hard time controlling it. Think that may be part of the reason why I choose to self medicate.


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Re: Need help on a serious relationship question that may involve a breakup [Re: MadHatter333]
    #25830205 -

Girls bail quick.  Seems like it's a lot of upkeep just keeping a woman for kids.  Damn, a dog is a lot of upkeep.  Add a house and a car and it's a lot of work.


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"in sterquiliniis invenitur in stercore invenitur"

In filth it will be found in dung it will be found

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Re: Need help on a serious relationship question that may involve a breakup [Re: Morel Guy]
    #25830415 -

We’re all just dogs trying to get a bone :dog:

Smoke doobie snacks :jah: you’ll feel much better.


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Re: Need help on a serious relationship question that may involve a breakup [Re: MadHatter333] * 1
    #25831719 -

Quote:
Her daughter has always been a big part of her life which I accept for the most part.



This is where I need to start.  When you date a woman with a child, you should automatically realize what's on the table and what's at stake.  When you realized she had a kid did you just think to yourself "well as long as I can keep the mother on my page and keep the rug rat exposure to a minimum, we are all good"?  Did you ever once at the beginning say, "hey look, I need to tell you how I feel about you having a daughter.  I'm okay with it, as long as you agree to not keep her around much"?  And of course, what good mother is going to agree to that?

That's when you begin to date and enter into a relationship....let alone falling in love and moving in together.

So on one hand, I feel like you have been very misleading to her from the get go.

On the other hand, any good mother should have picked up on this from your behaviour and comments when the kid is around too much and confronted you about it all.

At the end of the day, it seems like both of you, put your own needs, desires, lust and love...above the childs.

Just what I see :shrug:

Now, I cant judge someone for not wanting to be a parent.  That's fair.  And perhaps this is a learning experience for you not to repeat these mistakes in the future.

When you say the lease is up in May and you talked about it with her...can I ask you what you said to her?

It should have went something like this:

"I need to have a serious talk with you about our future. I'm starting to realize and think I'm not cut out to be a dad and I think this is something I can't be okay with, regardless of how much I love you.  I dont want to hurt you or the kid and I would never ask you to choose me over your child, so I'm starting to think maybe we should go our own way in May"

I really hope you instead, didnt basically give her an ultimatum of you over the kid kinds thing.

As far as the fears of starting over...all legitimate.  Welcome to the fears of every couple going through a divorce or separation. Its brutal.  It's scary.  Its emotional.  All things you need to just eat, especially when it comes to the best interests of someone you love and a child.  Even harder when you still love someone and external reasons require it.

In a way, you made this bed over 4.5 years.  Now you need to lay in it unfortunately.  Live and learn man.

You have 2 options at the end of the day...

Option A: you know in your heart of hearts you cant and dont want to be a dad.  You keep the best interests of the child and mother in mind and do the hard, but right thing, and move on.

Option B: you realize you can do this and shes worth it.  The child is worth it.  You love them and the idea of being with them both far outweighs the idea of living alone or starting over with someone else and living a kidless life.


No matter which option you choose, carry it out accordingly with honour, respect and love.  Dont let fear and selfishness twist your actions and words.


Tough situation and I wish you best of luck whatever path you choose. Keep us updated please


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Re: Need help on a serious relationship question that may involve a breakup [Re: Masked]
    #25831758 -

In the beginning of our relationship I loved the fact she had a child. Her daughter was almost three at the time and her dad wasn’t around much. Her daughter use to call me dad which I loved very much. She looked up to me and we had lots of fun times together.

Ever since she’s grown up more (7 now) it seems like she is more connected to her real dad. I respect him for stepping up to the plate and doing more for his daughter. It’s just a bit different now for myself, and her.

I did talk with my gf in a calm manner. No ultimatums, just a heart to heart convo about our direction. Just yesterday though we were all watching a movie together and I was making farting noises with my armpits. We were laughing and having a great time.

I don’t want to lead anyone on. That’s why I’ve been open with my girlfriend about how I’m feeling. She does the same for me.

Thank you for your input.


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Re: Need help on a serious relationship question that may involve a breakup [Re: MadHatter333]
    #25831785 -

Thanks for some more clarity on it all.  I was under the impression you were only okay with the child in small doses at the beginning.  Hence the idea of leading the mother on, comment.

So you decided to take the role of dad on at the beginning and after 4 years you are thinking otherwise?

You see how that is extremely unfair to both the child and mother right?

But you cant change how you feel.  If you do choose option A from my last post, I hope you learn from this and avoid getting involved with another mother.

I still dont understand what
Quote:
heart to heart about our direction

means?

Like I mentioned in the previous post, i think it's fairly black and white (option a or b).  If you were allowed to be selfish, ultimately what is the "direction" youd like to see with her?

Hopefully when you say you are being open with her, you are telling her everything you are telling us?

I'm saddened by your position.  It seems you fell in love with both mother and child, moved in, every things good...a desire to be with both and then, things start to shift for you and you dont like the idea of being a dad anymore.  But now are torn whether to stay and accept your responsibilities or leave and lose someone you love.

Tough man :frown:


But when a child is involved, any hardships for you should be inconsequential...remember that.


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Re: Need help on a serious relationship question that may involve a breakup [Re: Masked]
    #25831803 -

I wasn’t taking on any roll in the beginning, just feeling it all out. My girlfriend wanted me to be primary bread winner in the beginning of our relationship when she got pregnant with our first aborted baby. I told her I couldn’t handle the responsibility of taking care of her, her daughter, a baby, and myself. We fought a lot about it, so she aborted the baby.

After that my views on having children changed. I didn’t feel fit to be a father. I still cared for her daughter in my own way. I just didn’t want to feel liable for another persons child. It was a lot of pressure for me, and I resented my girlfriend for aborting our baby.

I’m over that now though, and am grateful it happened.

A heart to heart means we discussed our concerns. She told me “I won’t have my daughter for the whole school year if it makes you feel uncomfortable”. I told her “I can’t do that to you guys, I’m not going to be that guy who keeps your daughter away”. We talked about how I’m not ready to have a child around full time.

She’s had her daughter stay with us during the last couple summers and all breaks from school. I’ve managed just fine. Some days are great, others I just get frustrated. I never lash out at her daughter directly because that’s not my place. I give them space, but try my best to be present when I can.


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Re: Need help on a serious relationship question that may involve a breakup [Re: MadHatter333]
    #25831875 -

Not sure what option I’ll be choosing. Everything isn’t always black and white.. sometimes it’s a little more complicated than that.

Right now I’m leaning more towards option A though. You’re right, it isn’t fair to her, or her child. It would be very selfish of me if I kept something going that I didn’t think would be a long time thing.

It’s just a difficult parting. But it’s only as difficult as we make it out to be. This could be a whole new start for both of us. A change in direction could be beneficial to both of our paths.

On the other hand I’m going to miss her dearly...


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Re: Need help on a serious relationship question that may involve a breakup [Re: MadHatter333]
    #25832758 -

I understand ur dilemma I’m in a similar situation with my gf even though she doesn’t have custody her son LOVES me.  I’ve only been dating her 11 months and she kind of rushed introducing me to her son at first.  I was essentially in a bad spot doing drugs and wanted to be with her and straighten out.  I didn’t think her son would become so attached but later found out he never even met his father. She has serious health complications that make me feel guilty and selfish if I leave and cut her loose.  Our relationship isn’t healthy at all so I’m making her move back in with her parents and letting the house get we were staying in get foreclosed on as it was 20 grand behind on the mortgage before I even moved in.  It’s a real mess and the only reason I have even put up with it is because she stuck with me at first when I really needed help. The thing that sucks is that I feel bad but I really can’t be surprised it ended up like this when her situation was so bad before she met me but I can’t help feeling guilty because of the kid. 

Sorry to hijack man ur thread got me right in the feels


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Re: Need help on a serious relationship question that may involve a breakup [Re: theRealrollforever]
    #25833049 -

No hijacking man, just venting.

Your situations seems a little more challenging and sticky than mine.

I was lucky enough to start a relationship with someone who kinda had a direction in life and is well for the most part. My gf has epilepsy so it really scared me leaving her alone at night when I use to work graveyard. She’s had a couple big episodes, and many minor ones throughout our relationship.

You care for this person, and care for her son. It’s perfectly normal to feel guilty leaving. Sometimes that’s all you can do though.. after realizing what you can or can not handle. People are going to either understand where you’re coming from, or they may not. What matters is that you speak your truth and are honest with yourself, and her.

Anyone can give relationship advice over the Internet. But unless they are in your shoes, they can only give you a personal opinion on what they might do or what’s best for the situation. Only ourselves can truly tell what is best for each personal situation.

Appreciate the input, but make your own judgment on the matter. People can walk with you on your journey, but it’s up to us to make the right turns/decisions.


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Re: Need help on a serious relationship question that may involve a breakup [Re: MadHatter333]
    #25835824 -

Hello,
I enjoyed reading the thread - thanks for posting about it.

I don't have a whole lot to add at the moment, but did have the thought.... I totally understand how it could make you feel a certain way with her real dad stepping in.
Just having read the thread, I'd have to suggest that you part ways, sooner than later.  That's just my opinion. 
Another opinion I have - it is possible to love the woman, and the child, but still have to part ways.


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This was an experiment.

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Re: Need help on a serious relationship question that may involve a breakup [Re: DoneKildatReason] * 1
    #25835889 -

She is moving out next month. We talked about it some more and are parting ways. It’s going to be challenging, but I feel this is the right thing.

I really appreciate everyone who posted here. Y’all helped me to see things differently.

Now I need to focus on my health/mind and really figure out what I’m going to do from here. Change is scary, but it can be exciting at the same time.


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Re: Need help on a serious relationship question that may involve a breakup [Re: MadHatter333]
    #25836393 -

Change is the only constant. The Universe being powered by irony and all...


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How can you be in two places at once, when you're not anywhere at all?

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Re: Need help on a serious relationship question that may involve a breakup [Re: MadValley]
    #25850083 -

Just wanted to update you guys on what’s happening in our relationship.

As you may already know we’re still living together so it made it incredibly hard to stick to the decision of splitting up. Her daughter left last Sunday and we got along for the most part. I guess her dad wants her to stay with him again this next school year so we’ll probably have her for the summer again which I’ve handled the past two summers alright.

I’m slowly starting to change my perspective on kids and life in general. I’d still never have kids of my own, not only for the freedom factor, but the world is overpopulated enough as it is.

We’re still together. I took her out last night for dinner, drinks, and old school arcade games. It feels like we’re doing better now and the love never left. It can be a struggle at times, but we love each other very much and are still the most compatible out of any relationship I’ve ever been in.

I was talking to this one gal I have a interest in, but I know we wouldn’t be a perfect fit in the end. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side.


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Unfolding Nature Shop: Unfolding Nature: Being in the Implicate Order

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