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This is a toughest thing I'm going through. ,Could use any advice *DELETED* * 1
    #25728215 -

Post deleted by kr0nik0

Reason for deletion: Nope


--------------------

“[...]the only people for me are the mad ones,
the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk,
mad to be saved,
desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes “Awww!”

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Re: This is a toughest thing I'm going through. ,Could use any advice [Re: kr0nik0] * 2
    #25728224 -

Sounds like it got too heavy she freaked out and ran.

Maybe the time apart and a reset will be what is needed.

I dont think you should wait, I also dont think you should be looking for a rebound do what feels right at the time.

Also send her that post.


--------------------
Just a fool on the hill.

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Re: This is a toughest thing I'm going through. ,Could use any advice [Re: pineninja] * 1
    #25728254 -

Yeah man that's tough. In my experience "time to myself" can be a real ambiguous situation.

Yeah I like what pineninja says, just do what you feel is right, but don't go rebound or anything. I would be cautious of this woman the way she's acting, but maybe she's really just going through a hard time and things were moving too fast. I know in her shoes I'd be feeling a little crazy.

Don't do anything rash, just play it by ear and try to relax in the mean time.

Go out and treat yourself to a snow day and beers with some friends without her around to drag you down :wink:


--------------------
-DM me if you surf here-

Edited by thats_incentive (01/06/19 10:40 PM)

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Re: This is a toughest thing I'm going through. ,Could use any advice [Re: thats_incentive] * 2
    #25728397 -

Only you can work that out based on your feelings but what have you got to lose by waiting? Either it's gonna hurt some more,  or it'll work out... if you don't give it any time there's no chance of it working.

If you meet another amazing person who you feel is worth pursuing you can reevaluate then.

I've said similar things but couldn't relocate. But she's not necessarily all bullshit. 

And either way,  this too shall pass. I hope for you it passes into something stable because it sounds like you experienced something beautiful. 

Also being stable, reliable,  patient,  is very appealing in a potential partner esp if you have kids already. 

What would be the benefit of giving up this early?


--------------------
We're all mentally ill. We're all delusional. We're all junkies. It's just a matter of degree
(the Venerable Robina Curtin)

Anything I say here is a fiction, for role play or research only. Full of bollocks I am. I wouldn't believe me.

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Re: This is a toughest thing I'm going through. ,Could use any advice [Re: pineninja]
    #25728451 -

pineninja said:
Sounds like it got too heavy she freaked out and ran.

Maybe the time apart and a reset will be what is needed.

I dont think you should wait, I also dont think you should be looking for a rebound do what feels right at the time.

Also send her that post.


Agreed. I think she's running away from something from her past? Really odd behavior. Ive heard guys do this but not women.

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Re: This is a toughest thing I'm going through. ,Could use any advice [Re: kr0nik0] * 2
    #25728520 -

Sounds like a tough situation.  I find many people read into things way to much when everything is emotionally charged.

What does your gut say about her honesty as a whole?  Do you think shes an honest person?

Because perhaps its exactly as she says.  After what sounded like a successful co-parenting stint, she took her son far away from his father and he was no doubt left in a "what the fuck" state.  No love on the planet is deeper than a love for a child.  Like you mention, she definitely sounded like she was distracted and stressed about the situation with the kid and dad.  And the personality trait of procrastination definitely doesnt help that.  I'm terrible for ignoring and putting off important shit that needs to get done...until I have no choice to get it done or it burns me.

It reached a climax where I think she just needed to remove herself from a very intense, powerful and damm near magical distraction(you)...and bailed.

It sounds like she has legitimate feelings for you and from the sounds of her last texts, realizes that any attempt to string you along and justify her recent behaviour, would be scuzzy. 

If you are as crazy as you say about her, I would offer your emotional support perhaps, as she navigates the immediate future shit with her kid and herself.

And it's not really out of the question to expect a little more communication and light on her situation and what is exactly going on, if shes as crazy about you as she claims.


Love is a crazy thing and can make for some rollercoaster rides for sure :wink:

Definitely a complicated situation.  Wish you the best of luck tho


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.

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Re: This is a toughest thing I'm going through. ,Could use any advice [Re: Masked] * 2
    #25728672 -

Yeah I really think she just can’t handle the guilt of taking her son away from his dad.

Would you move to Illinois?


--------------------
NotSheekle said
“if I believed she was 16 I would become unattracted to her”

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Re: This is a toughest thing I'm going through. ,Could use any advice [Re: koods]
    #25729209 -

Give her time.
Sounds like she is not playing with you.
Just my 2 cents


--------------------
From tundra with love!


FREE HAMHEAD 2020!

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Re: This is a toughest thing I'm going through. ,Could use any advice [Re: LeningradCowboy]
    #25730434 -

pineninja said:
Sounds like it got too heavy she freaked out and ran.

Maybe the time apart and a reset will be what is needed.

I dont think you should wait, I also dont think you should be looking for a rebound do what feels right at the time.

Also send her that post.


Thanks, man. It's very possible she became afraid of falling any deeper in love.
I don't think that's what the main reason was, but maybe it played into it. 

I don't want to wait for anyone. She keeps talking to me every day, but it's just elevator talk. I don't get any answers about shit.

Casual sex or even a rebound relationship is out of the question. I very much need to be happy with myself again before I consider anything romantic in my life.

thats_incentive said:
Go out and treat yourself to a snow day and beers with some friends without her around to drag you down :wink:


I wish I had more friends here. A lot of acquaintances but only a couple real friends and they don't/can't join me on fun activities.
And I don't/can't drink.

I'm just being a whiny little bitch lol. Thanks for the advice.
I've been literally just sitting here at my house since she left on Wednesday going between a lot of thoughts. I'm making it a point to go skiing tomorrow for my sanity. Maybe I'll make a new friend. :smile:


Acuriousmycologist said:
What would be the benefit of giving up this early?


Simply closure.
Being able to feel like I can move on with my life again and grow as a human being individually.
That's all bullshit though considering I should be doing that regardless of waiting for her or not.


Masked said:
Sounds like a tough situation.  I find many people read into things way to much when everything is emotionally charged.

What does your gut say about her honesty as a whole?  Do you think shes an honest person?


My gut and everything she has told me says that she's incredibly scared and confused about life, but not about me. That she still wants to be with me, but can't because she's not in the right place psychologically. I agree, but I thought if she has the love she says for me, she could work on it together with me.
(I didn't even answer your question. Just replied all emotionally charged lol)

Yes, I feel she is an honest person as a whole.
But she also omits the truth very frequently to avoid confrontation.

Do you think omitting the truth and lying are the same thing? They sure as hell feel the same to me. Both hurt.



koods said:
Yeah I really think she just can’t handle the guilt of taking her son away from his dad.

Would you move to Illinois?


The guilt definitely seemed to be the biggest issue regarding the entire situation.

For her, I would move to Illinois. Can't believe I'm saying this, but I would move to the flat cornfields of Southern Illinois if that meant I could be with who I believe is my true love/soulmate/whatever the fuck you want to call it.

But she's expressed with a lot of conviction how much she loves it here, and that there's no way she'll go back unless it's for legal reasons regarding her son.

 
LeningradCowboy said:
Give her time.
Sounds like she is not playing with you.
Just my 2 cents


Thanks, bud.


--------------------

“[...]the only people for me are the mad ones,
the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk,
mad to be saved,
desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes “Awww!”

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Re: This is a toughest thing I'm going through. ,Could use any advice [Re: kr0nik0] * 1
    #25730614 -

Sounds like shes just not completely honest with you. And shes keeping in her feelings cause shes ashamed to have them.

Hopefully she explains whats shes doing soon....

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Re: This is a toughest thing I'm going through. ,Could use any advice [Re: LogicaL Chaos] * 1
    #25730922 -

This sounds genuine, it's hard to completely come together with both people being truly present.

I would wait for her. It seems obvious how much in love you are with her, and her with you.

She's openly said she's committed to you, that's a hard thing to do in her situation - seems torn between what's best for her son and herself (and you).


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Re: This is a toughest thing I'm going through. ,Could use any advice [Re: Piaseski]
    #25731404 -

It's just the waiting that makes everything so damn difficult.

I remember the first time I ever had to deal with the legal system, and the months upon months it took to sentence me. It wasn't the conclusion that was difficult to accept, it was simply waiting and wondering about the worst possible outcomes.

She is committed to me, and that's more than I expected after she left in the way she did.

But that may mean she has absolutely no interest in a relationship for years. And if that's the case, the being just friends thing doesn't work. I've tried so many times in the past, being on the other side of the table and it just causes issues it seems.

There's a fine line between waiting, and putting my emotional fulfillment in her hands. I chose to do the latter after she vowed a life together with me, knowing that psychologically it's not a good thing to do.

I keep thinking if I would've done things differently, better, etc, none of this would be a thought.
But I keep getting smacked with the reality that I fell in love with someone who is afraid of commitment, communication, feelings. I expected something out of her because of her promises, and expectations suck. Again, the same way I behaved my whole life until I decided to change and be a better person some years ago. Best I can be anyways.


--------------------

“[...]the only people for me are the mad ones,
the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk,
mad to be saved,
desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes “Awww!”

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Re: This is a toughest thing I'm going through. ,Could use any advice [Re: kr0nik0] * 1
    #25731527 -

She finally called me and spoke to me.
I know that she didn't lie to me before she left.
She was honest with me about what I felt most betrayed about.

She told me that she'll write me an email by tonight explaining how she feels, and essentially that wants to offer a proposition for our future.
She kept saying "but I don't want you to be more upset about it. I'm going through the same thing wanting to be with you and figuring out what I need to do for myself to be happy."

The "please don't get mad at what I'm about to say" deal is a little unnerving. But if she holds on to her word finally like she did about calling me today, I can finally make a decision based on her thoughts and feelings.

And at times I feel like I've built enough resentment towards her because of the way she left and treated me afterwards, until now anyways that I can forgive. But truly don't know if I can forget and not become bothered by it in the future. Worrying that she would do something similar again when life got tough.

I have no idea what an appropriate amount of time is to be waiting for her. It's not fair of me to want her so badly with me when she's clearly doing the right thing for herself by not being with me currently. Hard fucking pill to swallow.


--------------------

“[...]the only people for me are the mad ones,
the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk,
mad to be saved,
desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes “Awww!”

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Re: This is a toughest thing I'm going through. ,Could use any advice [Re: kr0nik0] * 1
    #25731575 -

Stay str0ng brother. My heart and thoughts are with you.

You're in a tight spot alright, and it's gonna take ever last fibre of your goodness, wisdom, and restraint to do the right thing here.

Stick with us in the meantime.


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe

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Re: This is a toughest thing I'm going through. ,Could use any advice [Re: Jokeshopbeard] * 1
    #25732812 -

Thank you, JSB.
I really appreciate the kind words, probably more than you know.
I miss talking to you and so many others here.
I didn't want to remove myself from the community, but I was just so busy being in love I think.

I have quite an important update as far as things go in this whole situation.

She ended up emailing me telling me exactly what she felt. It's so weird someone asked me in here if I would move for her, because I never thought of that as a possibility. But she told me that possibly me living with her in IL while she gets everything figured out is the solution.

The other solution is for her to stay in Denver with her Dad and Stepmom, leave her kid with her dad for a couple months, and figure out things from there. That would be easier for me, but I wouldn't be able to be with her in the way I want if she's living at her parent's, and I can only go up to visit once or twice a month for a few days.

And the third option is of course to say fuck it to our relationship as she's hurt me so much already and doesn't want to hurt me anymore. This is one I rather not consider at the moment.

I responded to her, and of course said if she thinks it's best to return home to figure everything out, I'd be out there with her as soon as she was ready.

She said she would sleep on it, and try to give me and definitive answer tomorrow.

It's going to be another long, emotionally agonizing day. But each day is getting better, and this still isn't over by a long shot with her. I hope it's not.


--------------------

“[...]the only people for me are the mad ones,
the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk,
mad to be saved,
desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes “Awww!”

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Re: This is a toughest thing I'm going through. ,Could use any advice [Re: kr0nik0]
    #25733069 -

Sounds like shes having a big life moment right now. Im guessing shes kinda young?

Well its good to see this going in a more positive driection.

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Re: This is a toughest thing I'm going through. ,Could use any advice [Re: LogicaL Chaos]
    #25733474 -

Totally paranoid speculation here. But maybe she was expecting a proposal over NYE? A couple divorced women that I know are in new, 3-6 month relationships and seem to fantasize about engagement a lot. If the bf has some big weekend planned, they get really excited and confident that he's gonna pop the question. They've been wrong, and are quite deflated with the relationship afterwards. That's when they start to doubt and wander to other men - like me. And they still are in love with their boyfriends, but the distance/aloofness/cheating is like a power play to get you to commit further. This could have all been a sick test to see how deeply you really feel for her and how far you're willing to go.

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Re: This is a toughest thing I'm going through. ,Could use any advice [Re: LogicaL Chaos] * 1
    #25733491 -

Just a little younger than me. She's 30.
I do think she's never had to make tough life decisions like this though.
She's always just kinda winged it and been able to be successful and have fun in her life without any real commitment to anyone or anything.
Life is a lot easier for really pretty people, and that's kind of sad and really true.
I'm the first person she's ever committed to entirely, and she's the first I've ever committed to entirely as well.

The truth is, she was a really shitty person to everyone who she dated before me, just as I was to everyone before moving out West a few years ago. I had to finally face reality, and not run away from my problems for the first time with my ex wife, and that taught me how important it is to be decisive and assertive without being mean in these decisions.
It scares me my girl is going to make all the same mistakes I made before knowing what I know now. But I suppose that's the only way she'll learn considering how fucking stubborn we both are.

Just out curiosity, do you guys believe in 2 people actually being soulmates? Essentially made for each other?
I never did until I met my girl. Sometimes think that there's probably another person out there on this planet that I could love as much, or even more. But the chances of meeting that person are almost impossible...:confused:


--------------------

“[...]the only people for me are the mad ones,
the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk,
mad to be saved,
desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes “Awww!”

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Re: This is a toughest thing I'm going through. ,Could use any advice [Re: Icon]
    #25733508 -

Icon said:
Totally paranoid speculation here. But maybe she was expecting a proposal over NYE? A couple divorced women that I know are in new, 3-6 month relationships and seem to fantasize about engagement a lot. If the bf has some big weekend planned, they get really excited and confident that he's gonna pop the question. They've been wrong, and are quite deflated with the relationship afterwards. That's when they start to doubt and wander to other men - like me. And they still are in love with their boyfriends, but the distance/aloofness/cheating is like a power play to get you to commit further. This could have all been a sick test to see how deeply you really feel for her and how far you're willing to go.


She's an Atheist like me, and we had already proposed to each other a couple months ago. Given each other rings and all that good stuff.
We didn't bother to set a date because there were these issues she needed to take care of before we could be together without negative distractions.

She's never been married before. And was deathly scared of getting married to anyone before meeting me. The father of her son she's known for 15 years, and he proposed to her multiple times over the years, but she would always get scared of that commitment and dip out.

When she got pregnant, it was simply because she wanted to be a mom. She co-parented with the father for a couple years, but they hadn't romantically been involved for years. He still wants to be with her, and that's of course something not fun to deal with on my part, but it seems he finally gave up once she came to live with me and is finally civilly speaking to her about the well being of his son.

Thanks for the input man.


--------------------

“[...]the only people for me are the mad ones,
the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk,
mad to be saved,
desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes “Awww!”

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Re: This is a toughest thing I'm going through. ,Could use any advice [Re: kr0nik0]
    #25733636 -

kr0nik0 said:
Just out curiosity, do you guys believe in 2 people actually being soulmates? Essentially made for each other?


I did once. I'm more of a realist/cynic/pragmatic about it now. If two people are both determined enough to make it work based on the strength of the initial bond/connection/attraction, then it'll work.

But it's SERIOUS fucking work, required by both parties, and if that don't come from both sides, full time, then all the soulmatey type feeling and connection in the world aint gonna do shit but tear your heart to pieces harder than you ever knew was possible when the thing falls apart.

Made for each other? Maybe, but I don't think that has shit all to do with it lasting long term.

Either way though, it doesn't matter how it works out if one uses the situation for what is meant to be IMO; and that is to inspire immense personal growth, through joy, pain, and connection. Cause there's nothin' else out there with such capacity to drive it.

IMO.



NB: I wouldn't listen to me though, I'm a jaded motherfucker resigned to walking through this life alone.


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe

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