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Next Shop: Unfolding Nature: Being in the Implicate Order |
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 helloflower titleless Registered: 01/29/18 Posts: 69 Last seen: 7 years, 16 days |
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IN SHORT, expectations create negative feelings. Rejecting reality or being ignorant to reality creates negative feelings. Acceptance of reality and understanding reality is was leads to improvement and true happiness. You cannot fake happiness; as much as you try you will never sustainably succeed.
---------------- Labels.... These are loaded terms that come with a lot of baggage. For example, boyfriend/girlfriend, wife/husband, partner, significant other, friend, best friend, mom/dad, etc... Try to picture what each one of these terms means to you.. Now, that picture you have in your mind for any of the terms is exactly the problem at hand. The fact that we humans have added so much to these terms takes each one of us out of reality. It is hard to not use labels, though. When you are conversing about your special person, it is easy to say "my husband/wife" or "my boyfriend/girlfriend" or "my friend" or "my best friend." However, this can be very detrimental to your mental health, as well as to your image of the other person. Instead of thinking about this label and gluing the term to that other person, take a moment to just focus on FEELING. What does your relationship FEEL like when you are with that other person? If they are your "husband/wife" it is common to believe that you must love them or maybe you have convinced yourself you do love them. But think about it, do you really love them? Do you become more GENUINELY happy in their presence? Is it possible you and that person are together because you feel like you have to be? Do you feel like you are pretending to be happy, yet you could find yourself just as happy or happier alone or with another person? These are very important questions to ask yourself and find true answers to, if you want to become happier and improve your relationship. When you first meet someone, they are normally just themselves. There are no attached names, meanings, etc.. You cannot meet someone for the first time and expect to call them your "boyfriend/girlfriend." They are just that person. If you start spending more time together, and enjoy one another's company, (in America) we would eventually start to call this person a "boyfriend/girlfriend" or "friend/best friend" (usually depending on sexual feelings). Common beliefs that are tied to boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husban -they can only be with you -they can't find anyone else attractive -they must make you happy -you have to tell them everything you are doing -you love them -and many others, please comment and add! These beliefs are fine to have, if you truly find them important to you. A personal example, I previously felt that sex was only to be done with me. It was a rule (based on our label) that there is no sex with others or else that would be really bad. Now, I don't prefer my companion to have sex with other people; that seems disgusting. But I realized that if that makes my companion truly happy, then I am okay with it. I just want to be told, I want to know what is going on in my companion's life. I was not being loving when I "had the reigns on" and lived by the rules. A true, loving person would want only happiness for another, even if it means setting their own happiness aside. TRUE love will create TRUE happiness. Living in limitations doesn't make people happy, from my experience. In physical reality, there are just two (or more) people spending time together. If you truly enjoy your time, that's great. If you are not, do yourself a favor and think about why, and what would make you happy. -----------Personal----------- At this moment in time, I have found the word "companion" to be most fitting. Generally, people don't have much already attached to this term and it is very superficial (until more people start using it and attributing characteristics that may or may not be true). I've had a lot of problems with my companion in the past. A LOT. Honestly, at many points life was miserable for the both of us. And this was not a one time deal, I mean these bad times would last for YEARS. We hung out for the first time on Sept 6 2014, and haven't stopped since. Since about 2016-nowish though, our happiness level dropped significantly. Since we did not separate, it seemed we both wanted to work it out and stay together. However, we weren't truly happy, we were miserable. Recently, we were having a serious conversation about our status. Our romantic love for one another, the passion, the spark, the heat, that feeling that comes over you when you are with/thinking about/touching someone you have great love for, was no longer there. In our talk, we stated the reality that our romantic relationship has ended. We were basically just two people who spent a ton of time together who lived together, unhappily. When we were talking and I heard this, I felt distraught. I really felt as if we had just broken up, like something really changed. I decided our sexual relationship should stop as well, because I am not one to just have sex. The thought of "hooking up" with someone seems lonely, disgusting, and not productive to me. However, nothing actually changed. We had sex the day after this talk (after having much thought about doing so on my part). And that sex was better than the recent sex from before the talk. All that we did in the talk was discuss reality. We laid it all out on the table, stated things exactly as they were. The sex didn't change, our relationship didn't change. However, my mental view about the relationship and expectations did. I no longer expect. I switched these things I "have to do" into things I truly want to do. This made me feel the happiest I felt in A LONG time. I realized the sadness I was experiencing was because I had expectations. I had expected us to be romantically together forever, I expected us to be happy, I expected us to keep at whatever we were going at. But in reality, we weren't completely happy, and that isn't good. If my companion is happier with someone else, and finds that someone, then that is an amazing thing. Yeah, it would be sad (because it wasn't what I expected), but after this initial moment, I would actually be happier because they are happier. See, happiness is where it is all at. If I can increase the collective TRUE happiness, then I don't see a reason not to. I was setting so many limitations and living in this mental cage. If I found someone else that made me happier, well I would go where I am happy.. I am done living in this limited mental world that makes your physical world miserable hell. If I want to be with my companion forever, well, I damn well need them to WANT to be with me forever, not because they feel like they have to. And I also can't be false and not be who I am. If our true personalities don't mesh well and makes things negative, then we know that we will be happier elsewhere and that's what would happen. Change isn't sad, change isn't negative. Change makes life interesting. Change normally is a gravitation to happier times; there is a reason for this change. -------------------- If happiness is the goal, keep it in mind.
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Anonymous #1 |
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Just a couple of thoughts.
This is all very beautiful, but: you find me a human being without expectations and either they must be a Saint or an idiot (meant as in 'non capable of thinking that far ahead'). Who can live their lives without projecting a feeling, a desire, a situation in the future? If you manage to do so, then you truly are living in the present only and -as said- you either are an enlightened Saint or an epic idiot. Also, how can you possibly love someone and be okay with the idea that they're having sex with other people although -you said so for yourself- that seems disgusting and it does hurt your feelings? If you think about it, it's a bit of a paradox. You want your companion to be happy because you love them. This should work both ways though. So, how do we stand once this person is having sex with someone else knowing all too well that doing so is making themselves happy but at the same time is hurting the person they profess to love?
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Anonymous #2 |
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Sounds like you are too sensitive and your lady is trying to manipulate you into being a cuckhold. There is nothing loving about this, she wants to bang other dudes while still getting the benefits of being with you and is taking advantage of your sweet/sensitive nature by disguising her desires with new age "progressive" bs. I know you won't because of hormones and brain chemicals but you would probably save yourself from more heartache if you left her.
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helloflower titleless  Registered: 01/29/18 Posts: 69 Last seen: 7 years, 16 days |
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That is a very good point in your first part. Could not you both be an enlightened saint and an epic idiot though? Those who are enlightened, or at least closer to enlightenment than I am (which doesn't say too much lol), would probably be the first people to call themselves epic idiots. So maybe you cannot draw the line, and what you are talking about is one in the same. That is also a very good point in the second part... Hmm.. that is puzzling.. I guess at that point there would be the question of selfishness. One of us would end up being selfish.. Because I would want my companion to do what makes them happy, and they would want to do what makes me happy... so in the end one of us may not be happy. Or would the fact that we both are thinking of one another be what makes us happy? That would be the ideal situation...In the end we are both happy because we realize we are thinking of one another.. But then either they don't have sex or they do have sex. So I am not sure what it would be... One person would have to sacrifice. But honestly, I don't really know if the love is mutual. For my companion to think about my feelings and want to make me happy, despite their own happiness, I think they would have to truly love me. And I really don't know if that is the case. So in the end, I may just be the one having to sacrifice my happiness for the collective happiness. But all in all, I can still be happy if they have sex with other people. I just won't have sex with them, and at that point I probably might try and find someone who could return the love. I'll gravitate to a place where I am happy. If they did have sex with someone else though, and knowingly disregarded my happiness, that may be a good thing because then I'd know that maybe that person isn't going to make me the happiest. And in that case I could seek elsewhere. I don't like the idea of "seeking" though. I believe true love will come when it is the right time and it will be perfect. Actively seeking love creates many expectations, which I have learned makes me unhappy. -------------------- If happiness is the goal, keep it in mind.
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helloflower titleless Registered: 01/29/18 Posts: 69 Last seen: 7 years, 16 days |
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Would you feel different though if it was the other way around? Such as the girl not wanting the guy to have sex with other people, and the guy wanting to have sex with other people? -------------------- If happiness is the goal, keep it in mind.
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Anonymous #2 |
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I don't really know what you mean, I find cheating abhorrent, the gender of the person who cheats is irrelevant, trying to manipulate your partner into letting you sleep with other people just because you want your tingly bits to feel good is disgusting, and sociopathic, nobody would do that to someone they truely loved. Edited by Anonymous (01/29/18 06:15 PM)
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helloflower titleless Registered: 01/29/18 Posts: 69 Last seen: 7 years, 16 days |
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Can you please elaborate further on what you mean by manipulate? How would I be being manipulated?
I also am curious about your view on sex. What do you think about it? What does it mean to you? Can it be meaningless or does it always have an attached meaning? -------------------- If happiness is the goal, keep it in mind.
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Anonymous #1 |
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Amen to this. And she's 'the lady', that's what she meant I reckon.
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helloflower titleless Registered: 01/29/18 Posts: 69 Last seen: 7 years, 16 days |
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Lolol.. I keep my gender unidentified because I don't believe it matters...
I thought more about what Anon 2 said, and ya know, maybe ur right. There probably would be less heartache if I left them.. but then that also would be pretty lonely I'd imagine. I try and tell myself that I have me and I won't necessarily be lonely. But that's a lie cause I would be. I am not used to being alone with myself for long periods of time. I love kisses and cuddles and the warmth of another human.. Ideally, these would all be mutual and loving both ways. But I haven't gotten any kisses recently, nor really any true cuddles.. but the warmth is there when we lie next to eachother at night! haha I just want someone who will truly love me and give me warm cuddles and kisses lol. They can be any type of person as long as they are nice and can offer me those things.. But it seems hard to find nice people around. I haven't even been the nicest in the past.. so i can't really expect to find that nice, perfect person.. I CAN'T EXPECT, it's hard lol... i have this battle within myself. -------------------- If happiness is the goal, keep it in mind.
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Anonymous #2 |
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Manipulated, you didn't want your partner to be with other people, it makes you feel bad inside and hurts your feelings, then she starts showing you all of this stuff about how labels are bad and limitations are bad and free love is good and monogamy is outdated.
That or you could be rationalizing it to yourself and telling yurself it wouldn't be too bad because you are desperate to not lose her. Either way you are considering actions that go against your own nature and that would lead to you suffering. what do I think of it, I think that it is necessary for us to control our sex if we are going to live in a civilized society. Is there meaning attached? there is strong biological urging to attach meaning to it stemming from our evolution as mammals, the urge to pair up and raise the child that is supposed to be a result. Your brain releases oxytocin to make you like the person more and want to be around them. That is why relationships lose their "spark" after awhile, your bodies realize your pairing is unlikely to produce offspring so those pleasure pathways shut down to incentivize finding a different mate. So yes your brain attaches meaning unless you are super jaded or hedonistic or sociopathic or have hormone issues or something. On a not entirely unrelated note birth control is terrible for women and completely changes the way their brains/bodies work.
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 basqueshaman Todays scapegoat    Registered: 04/01/11 Posts: 6,258 Loc: Washington State 
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Lables are more for people not involved with your relationship to understand the nature of it and the parameters of what to make of such.
Reality is based off of perspective and sanity is just as much subject to the same idea. Comunication is most important so long as its honest and forward with their real emotions. Most people are not on equal terms with this. Im only speaking about non toxic relationships. The most important thing to remember is that almost nothing last forever. As amazing as it would be to have the perfect person and feeling stay frozen in time, its just against the law of nature that change is enevitably going to happen, just because you don't change doesn't mean your companion wont. My philosophy is always hope for the best and prepare for the worst, many people believe that loosing the person you love to death is a great loss, but i feel to loose them when they're still alive is an even bigger tragedy. When this occurs one is often dissillutioned with who the other really was, you can always think you know but you rarey do. People are often taught to lie, its a sad part of society and the world that we live in. I hope to one day meet the perfect person for me, this doesn't mean they will be without flaws, but in sync with me.
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Anonymous #1 |
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Oh, the sweet struggle between being lonely on our own or miserable in a couple! Ditch him. And you said that you don't want to seek your true love. Then don't. Just sit back, relax, keep yourself busy and treat yourself kindly. And let the rest be, at its own pace. I'm in your exact same situation btw, and you have all my sympathy 
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helloflower titleless Registered: 01/29/18 Posts: 69 Last seen: 7 years, 16 days |
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Ahh I see.. so not like direct manipulation, but putting thoughts into my head. I think i empathize more with the second part though. I think I am desperate not to lose them, I don't want to be alone. And they are a good person in many ways. I am afraid that if I lose this, I'll never have something like it again. You explained the physical meaning that is attached to it. That makes a lot of sense. But do you think there is a mental, non physical, thing we attach to it? Something more along the lines of having to do with the soul? Also, I am interested in information on birth control and how it changes women!! I am happy you brought that up. Do you have any references that I can check out and read? -------------------- If happiness is the goal, keep it in mind.
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helloflower titleless Registered: 01/29/18 Posts: 69 Last seen: 7 years, 16 days |
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That is why labels are hard to not use. But in reality, no one can truly understand another's relationship because they are not a part of it. And from my experience, attaching those labels to it when speaking to other people just gets the wrong idea across. I agree a lot of people are not equal in being honest and forward with their emotions. Personally, it has taken me A LONG time to do so, and I even am still learning. You have to understand, accept, and be true about the emotion to yourself first, before you can even begin to try to communicate it. That part alone is very difficult for many people, and is something I am working on myself. What do you mean by "dissillutioned"? Like if you lose the person while they are alive, you forget about who they were? Or you find out who they truly were because they aren't hiding anything anymore? -------------------- If happiness is the goal, keep it in mind.
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helloflower titleless Registered: 01/29/18 Posts: 69 Last seen: 7 years, 16 days |
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Lol, yes that is the exact struggle!!! That sounds amazing to just sit back and let it all play through. Part of me feels anxious about it too though. Maybe because it is new to me. And man.. good luck to you! Did you ditch your person or are you currently in the relationship not knowing what you are going to do? -------------------- If happiness is the goal, keep it in mind.
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Anonymous #2 |
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I think the mental attachements we add/don't add are entirely dependant on us as individuals.
https://www.scientificamerican.c Listen to the joe rogan podcast #968 with kelly brogan. She is a genius. She talks about all kinds of fascinating stuff including birth control and anti depressants, self help stuff, other random shizz. Well worth a listen.
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helloflower titleless Registered: 01/29/18 Posts: 69 Last seen: 7 years, 16 days |
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That's true... I don't like that though lol. Like when I tell someone about my companion using normal terms, I know they add more attached meaning that I didn't say. And knowing that gives me a little anxiety. So i guess I just need to revert from that conversation lol. thanks for the link! It was very interesting. I wonder if it has any permanent effects. I'll check out that podcast now. I may not be able to finish it, I know those are pretty lengthy. But i'm excited. Thanks again! -------------------- If happiness is the goal, keep it in mind.
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Anonymous #2 |
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The article barely scratches the surface, the podcast is good but yea they can be lengthy, I think birth control is covered in the first half though.
Do you mean when you use the term bf/gf it gives you anxiety? I knew a person who used the term partner instead, I just assumed they were homosexual but they weren't, whatever label or lack of label works for you and your companion is cool, but it might make your companion feel like you don't care as much as they do or like you are embarrased by them.
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basqueshaman Todays scapegoat Registered: 04/01/11 Posts: 6,258 Loc: Washington State
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Because they aren't hiding who they are anymore but they were when they were with you. The sad thing is relationships are rarely equal and few are completely honest. I myself am not going to enter into another relationship until I find a complete equal. Im talking about as a person and not any thing like financial or social standings.
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helloflower titleless Registered: 01/29/18 Posts: 69 Last seen: 7 years, 16 days |
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Yeah I started listening to it and birth control was one of the very first things thankfully!! Using any terms that already come with baggage. Partner included. People think that you are homosexual, just as you did! Lol. And the fact that people assume that is what gives me the anxiety. My companion is on the same page. They use the term partner, I believe. So thankfully I don't have to deal with them having negative emotions about me using a separate term lol -------------------- If happiness is the goal, keep it in mind.
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