Auto-SummaryThe author describes their experience on a reality TV show where they won $100,000, including trips to various countries. However, they soon encounter a difficult relationship with a girl they were high school sweethearts with, marked by drug use, infidelity, and physical abuse. After several attempts at reconciliation, the girl suffers a severe injury while attempting suicide, leading to a downward spiral for the author. Struggling with depression and financial issues, they eventually take a $20,000 risk at a casino, hoping to turn their fortunes around.
Two years ago I was on a reality TV show on a major network. It was of the elimination type, where we lived together 24/7 with cameras and competed against each other in challenges where people were eliminated one by one. My confidence in winning proved true, and I was the last person standing and was awarded $100,000 for my effort. Among other prizes were trips to various countries around the world. It was a pretty sweet deal.
When I deposited the check it was actually for $100,000; you are expected to take out your own taxes. The only account I possessed was -$50 in the red, so I actually only had $99,950 when it cleared :P. Having all this sudden minor (and it is minor trust me) wealth was a gift and a curse.
First off, I was with a chick who was nothing but bad news. I was very young and immature and didn't know the first thing about communicating. Avoiding conflict, changing the conversation and transferring blame was what I did in every situation possible. I'm sure that wasn't easy to live with and built up some animosity in our co-habitation. So, back to this chick:
We were high school sweet hearts, never really drank or smoked until my senior year when I met her, placed in the same first hour. We hit it off and starting taking lots of ecstasy together. She also introduces me to cocaine, something she loved and we did a lot. Its easy to look back now and realize how in love with the drugs I was and not her, but we did them together like crazy so I didn't know the difference. For being able to party so hard, this girl is very intelligent and receives a scholarship to a university when we graduate. I do not. This breaks my heart, I become very depressed and do something super stupid.
I slit my wrists.
Not the pussy emo way either, I have six different 7 inch scars running from the top of my wrist to the inside of my elbow. I do this on a Sunday when I routinely am supposed to go to church with my mom, knowing she will find me. Planned it the night before after having a particular crushing conversation with this girl. Woke up very early in the morning, snuck out to Wal-Mart and purchased a pack of razorblades. Drove home and went into the bathroom, turned on the shower. Don't remember taking it in the with me but I had a giant drawing bad. Opened the package of razors, pulled out the first one and did not bother to even check how or if it was sharp.
With great force I plunged the razor into my wrist and pulled. It was startling how easy and almost painless the cut was, and much blood started to flow immediately. Not wanting to lose my nerve I immediately did the same stoke a couple centimeters near the first. Then again. And again. And again, and one last push and pull with more force than any of the others combined. Here is where I get almost comically emo, I still laugh at myself in embarrassment in a good way to this day. Blood was running from the wounds like you had the faucet on low. With my right hand I finger painted a broken heart in blood on one of the pages of the giant notebook. Yes, lol sad I know! (btw I am not emo, guessed you'd call me "normal or a closet freak)
The scars retained today are still very noticeable, mostly due to an at home repair job by my mother. She is a physician and we lived in a very small town where its hard to keep a bloody secret. Wondering why I had not come downstairs to go to church, and why the shower was running for so long she came upstairs to investigate. The humiliation I felt looking at her as she shook her head and said "What have you done?!" She quickly grabbed my arm, assessed the damage and pulled me downstairs. Did not destroy any or enough major vessels to guarantee death, LOOKED much worse than it did she says. It was be terrible thing to have on some sort of record and be known about that I would be hospitalized and put on suicide watch for 3 days. She could fix this at home, and she did. For many years I tried to hide the scars, as they were terribly knotted and bright crimson red. It took 9 years, but finally they have turned almost white matching the color of my skin, but the long knotted lines still remain.
So, even after that, I couldn't stay away from this chick. My family is composed entirely of EXTREME christian fundamentalists, the complete opposite of what I know to be true of the world. This chick represented everything that I wanted to get away to. Freedom, drugs, different points of the views, parties, SEX! LOTS OF SEX!
But long distance and me being crazy possessive made a relationship hard. For the record don't do long distance, it never works and you end up resenting on another. Well, she fucked tons of guys and lied to me about it, but I was raised by naive Christians so I believed every word and never even looked or considered she may be doing something like that. This goes on for many many years until this TV show. Back to the TV show.
After many years of being physically apart, she called me from rehab. Apparently she took a bottle full of klonopins and tried to kill herself, got stomach pumped and put to one of those "Girl Interrupted" places. This is the usual pattern of ours, fuck each other until we cant get along, don't talk for months and months, then she calls me when she needs me and is vulnerable, I swoop in like a white night to the rescue and this time we are gonna be together forever happily every after. Things never worked out like that.\
She is a crazy drunk. Nobody can keep up with how much this girl likes to drink, nor can anyone keep up with how much weed I like to smoke. She got back with me shortly before I even tried to be on the show, so it wasn't for the money, just lucky. Or unlucky, because the guy she was seeing before me overdosed on oxycontin when they were in bed together. She awoke to his dead blue corpse.
Don't know much detail about it because I didn't know the value of communicating in a relationship, it was an uncomfortable subject for me so I avoided it like the plague. If I had to guess they probably talked a lot and thats why she probably fell in love with him too. She loved him so much she got his name tattoo'd on her ring finger shortly before he overdosed. GOD I HATED THIS TATTOO. She constantly fucked this guy behind my back, it made me so upset to even see it. She knew this and constantly wore gaudy rings to cover it up, but those were even a remind of what was underneath! This chick is crazy, so of course after another night of hardcore drinking I am acting shitty about it again.
She goes to the kitchen and pulls out the butcher knife. I don't stop her. She says, "Will this make you happy, I hate it as much as you, I want to get rid of it." Calling what is believed to be her bluff, I say "Go head, you won't do it anyways." She proves me very wrong in two fluid motions. First she slides over the counter her lone ring finger and raises the cleaver; second, she brings the steel down fast to find flesh and bone. The blade made it about 1/2 way through her finger, enough to sever the tendon and ruin any dexterity she had with that finger for the rest of her life. Did I mention she loved the play the piano and was very talented? To say she didn't know this would make it so she could play again is a lie, she knew, she knew and did it to prove a point. I wasn't the only one willing to shed blood under this roof.
Things quickly descended into hell. The drinking became out of control, she became physically abusive, I became extremely passive and just tuned out. The only thing keeping was together was getting fucked up and hate-fucking the shit out of each other. Eventually, partying led to trouble, and she was arrested for her 3rd DUI. This meant mandatory jail. She befriended some skanks in jail and I paid off the rest of her time ($3,000) to get her out early and her friend was released. This gave us a reliable ecstasy connection and I had money in the bank, and we got fucked up regularly.
One weekend while I was in Mexico on a trip awarded by this game show, I received a text from my landlord. She was moving out her stuff. She said I never thought about the future and I do the same thing everyday and nothing ever changes. She was absolutely right but it was still devastating. I thought: WTF! I earned all this money and take care of this what did I do wrong?! It wasn't about that though, I was too young and dumb to understand.
From here I went into a deep depression, let my apartment go to absolute shit. There were some days it looked like hoarders in there with all the stuff and garbage lying around. Continued to live this way and smoke ounces of high grade marijuana non-stop. Eventually, after a year or two of living like this, I had to face reality. Money was hemorrhaging non-stop and there was next to nothing coming in to balance things.
So, there I was, looking at the $20,000 spread among the original account I placed it in and a few interest bearing accounts. If something radical wasn't done, there would be nothing left. No job, no education, no life, back home with mom, where she would be in control again. No, this could not happen. It would not happen.
That's when I called the closest casino and arranged a bet. A $20,000 one shot- double or nothing- winner take all bet. But, I have written a lot and maybe that is a story for another day. Not sure if anyone will even read this far. Thank you for your interest and letting me vent, feel like I have not even scratched the surface of this tale. Will divulge more if there is adequate interest.
Cliffs:
-Win $100,000 cash
-Get mixed up with crazy chick
-Suicide attempts
-Slowly waste money on absolutely nothing, just rent and weed
-Down to $20,000...
-Takes the remaining $20k to the casino for one final wager to see if the luck has finally run out
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