More societal woes

If I was capable of hate, I would hate society.

This isn't the way we're supposed to live! Somewhere along the Way we went horribly wrong. I feel this with every part of my being. I look out at society with a bitter mix of frustration and pain.

I feel like a change is needed. A big change. I feel like I should do something...like I have to do something. But what? I'm left in the dark there.

The decisions I've made I'm happy with. But they are, more and more, excluding me from the society around me. I feel distance. Detatched. Emotionally numb at times.

In a way it's necessary to me, the suppression of emotion. It is the least understood aspect of my being, right now. Logic and intuition take over, smashing the delicate fractals of emotion into tiny bits. Tiny bits are good for logic, you see. Dissasseble, investigate. Break down the problem into smaller peices - they are easier to solve.

I've come to the conclusion, and I happily accept it, that I will never be a part of society as it is today. It's just too fucked up for me. I don't want to be a part of it.

But there's the problem. Most, if not all, of those I care about are still firmly entrenched in their society. Still unwilling to look outside the door.

I've tried explaining. I've tried subtle suggestion. It doesn't work. They're just too damn unwilling to look beyond what they see.

I feel like a frickin alien. This isn't "natural" to me. This doesn't feel like "home" to me.

I've made my decisions, but there's still time to "go back". Down one path I feel nothing but loneliness and trouble. No one I could marry. No children I could have. I always wanted kids, some day. The other path is complacency. The wife. The kids. The dog. The house. Become a "functional" member of society.

How do I explain to the people I love? These people know, as they know me, how far I could go in society - if I wanted to. They see that as the "right" way to go. How do I tell them that it's not for me? How do I tell my mom that she won't be able to watch me become "successful"? She wouldn't understand, you see. She might even think I'm nuts :smirk:

But I swear the voices in my head are MINE, so no worries right :wink:

There is, however small, still a part of me who just wants to be ACCEPTED. A part of me that wants to be "normal". A part of me that hates being "genius".

But the much larger part of me can have nothing to do with complacency. Nothing to do with society.

So then, my options as I see them:

One, I can continue as I am. Give up any hope of acceptance, any hope of a "normal" life.

Two, I can just suffer in silence. Give up what I believe and become "normal". Please the people who will be pleased by it.

Three, I can seek professional "help". I've tried the meds. Sure they make me "happy" - but they also make me numb and dumb. The pain is masked, quite well, but the cost is too great for me.

I've been standing at this fork in the road for some time now, waiting. Waiting for an answer to come. How much longer do I wait? Or should I just choose now and be over with it?

A rant :wink:

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