Death by Astonishment

I began writing this report only a few hours after the conclusion of my first (and possibly my last) psilocybin therapy session on June 20, 2023. I say “last” not because it was bad, but because another one, at this moment, seems unnecessary: the message was abundantly clear and overwhelming. 

I can still feel lingering physical effects (e.g., hearing chirping birds that aren’t there), and I am certain the psychological and emotional effects will endure – some perhaps for the rest of my life. According to my guide (my teacher, brother, and friend), I had a “big experience” with an overpowering sense of “non-dual” reality. During the journey itself, I labelled what I felt, “dying,” but by that point, all labels, categories, and concepts had no meaning. Meaning itself didn’t seem important anymore. Nothing seemed important; importance is just a concept, like all the other concepts we use in this world to help us do things. I simply surrendered to the infinite bliss of total self-dissolution. 

Whatever one might call it, it has been the most profound experience of my life. I have just completed the 30-question Mystical Experience Questionnaire (a few hours after the journey), and further to my amazement, all my answers are fives, the highest number on the scale.

Background

I am a 47-year-old who’s been interested in psychedelics since first encountering the work of Terence McKenna as a teenager. My experience with mind-altering substances has been minimal: routine caffeine and alcohol, as well as some light and very infrequent cannabis use. In a few cases, anxiety, depersonalization, and derealization hung on long after consuming strains high in THC, leading me to mostly avoid cannabis. In recent years, I have done five IM ketamine treatments in clinical settings. These treatments improved my openheartedness, reduced my fear of psychedelics, and increased my interest in psilocybin, which the voters in my state legalized in 2022. 

Although I was reared by parents who practiced spiritual traditions, I do not consider myself a spiritual person. In fact, I tend to silently scoff at people’s experiences of the mystical and divine. My practices involve hikes in the mountains and occasionally staring in wonder at the clouds and stars. I tilt toward rational, scientific, and analytical thinking. However, my interest in psychedelics and mysticism (through commentators including Watts, McKenna, Dass, Campbell, etc.) demonstrates a simultaneous interest in the ineffable, which I had never personally experienced beyond a few fleeting encounters with clairvoyance and premonition. I have long been skeptical that ineffable experience was worth talking about, since to be made meaningful, it must be brought into the realm of language. In hindsight, and according to my guide, this philosophical framework, somewhat paradoxically, may have helped me better understand and integrate what I experienced. 

Preparation, Set, and Setting

I am six-feet tall, 175 pounds, and aside from chronic back pain, fairly healthy. If I have suffered severe trauma in my life, I am unaware of it. I have a general sense of wellbeing and mostly positive self-regard. My intentions were to use this experience to satisfy a lifelong and intense curiosity, as well as a sense of personal and professional obligation to try this newly decriminalized medicine. I wanted to see if doing so might impart some knowledge or self-realization (also, hat tip to Michael Pollan). I wanted to finally overcome my fear of psychedelics. The three words I wanted to remember during the journey were: surrender, trust, and safety.

The setting was my home, with a small sofa-bed used for the session. My guide measured and prepared a tea of 3-grams of Ghost and Steel Magnolia mushrooms. We sat in ceremony, and then I drank the mixture out of a cup I’d made. The single dose was taken at approximately 10:30 am. It tasted surprisingly good, reminding me of shitake mushroom soup. My guide sat next to me, close enough to hold my hand, which he did for nearly the entirety of the journey once it intensified.

Having such a profound experience (as I describe below) on 3-grams of mushrooms may seem unusual, but I am sensitive to medicines in general, and I had also fasted for 48-hours before the experience (consuming nothing but water). My guide told me after the session that he would have liked to have known about my fast. I presume it might have helped him better gauge the likely effects and duration of my dose.

Guide’s Notes

It is cliché that nothing can fully prepare someone for the experience of ego-death on a dose of psychedelic mushrooms (although careful preparation is still absolutely needed). I was neither seeking nor expecting the death of my ego. I didn’t think it was even possible on three grams. But I can report that my experience was highly similar to other ego-dissolving trip reports I have read/heard. In fact, I learned today that most of the clichés about the psilocybin experience are true: visions of figures, images, and animals (in my case, tiki gods, Indonesian Batik patterns, and benevolent serpents); colors and geometry of unbelievable complexity and beauty. I laughingly reported to my guide: “I can see ultraviolet now!”; unity with all beings and all times; no self-other distinction; complete surrender of all categories and concepts (especially self and time); and the feeling of being part of the never-ending multiplicity of the blissful unfolding of forever. Clearly, the previous sentence also reveals the accuracy of the cliché that words fail to adequately capture the experience. I knew that truism intellectually before today, but I understand and feel its accuracy differently now. During the journey, feelings of overwhelming love were accompanied by unending awe and astonishment, feelings that I’d heard others talk about on countless YouTube video trip reports I’d watched. After today, I better understand these reports and find myself chuckling at instances where I now exclaim, when watching: “Yes!” “Me too!” or “I know!”

What follows is a transcript based on my guide’s notes. Reading this transcript is, to me, astonishing. I would not believe this journey happened if it were not for both my guide’s notes and my fading recollections. I have not tried to interpret much of what I said. No interpretation seems needed.

About 45-minutes into the journey, the blackness of my eye mask became a screen for flowing colors: iridescent, shimmering, and self-transforming rainbows abounded. These were undoubtably shaped by the songs from the album, “Migration,” by Peter Kater and R. Carlos Nakai, which my guide selected for my journey. Acknowledging the visuals, he suggested going deeper. I surrendered even more to “mama mushroom.” 

I began sobbing, thinking of the intense love I felt from, and for, my mother. “She loved me so much!” I exclaimed. “When I was a baby, she never let me cry … I love my son the same way my mama loved me,” I said, through tears.

My guide asked me if I thought I would want a booster dose. I was surprised, because it seemed very early in the journey, and the effects were much gentler than 100-mgs of ketamine (which I’d tried before). I was tempted for a moment to say “yes” to the booster, but having mentioned my mother, I felt she would have wanted her “baby boy” to stay safe, and since safety was one of my three words for the journey, I declined the booster dose. I’m glad I did because what then occurred was overwhelming. I am sure I would have been unable to stand any more medicine. 

My thoughts returned to my mother, who is elderly and in poor health. “I love you so much,” I burbled through my tears. “You kept me warm and safe, and I want you to be warm and safe. I want you to be okay,” I cried. I then decided to release my mom and continue to move through the beautiful, soothing, breathing colors. The musical lightshow in my mind incorporated visions of meandering, benevolent serpents. 

Then, I confronted before me: “something.” Feeling “infinite serenity and peacefulness,” I asked out loud, “What is it?” I can now barely see it in my mind’s eye, but “it” was what other people have reported seeing: an infinitely transformable, fluid, multi-dimensional column or pillar of everything imaginable. Whatever can be imagined rises to its surface. I saw arising on the edge of it something that I knew to be “me,” the human me that was born, is having this material existence, and that will one day die and return to “it.” I was certain that this “thing,” whatever it was, was everything. There was nothing above or below it, in front or behind it, before or after it. It just existed. It was existence. I was utterly astonished. I was in awe. My guide recorded my utterances:

“I’m astounded!”

“I had no idea… the infinite possibilities.”

“Infinite combinations, forever. Forever!”

“Whatever it is, I see it.”

“Infinite. Infinite. Infinitely changing.”  

“I’m from that. I popped out [of it]. I am one of those changes.”

“My mom, she loved me. I feel it. I am sooo lucky to be bathed in that love.”

“[It’s] really fucking infinite! I am persuaded! I am astonished! I. Am. In. Awe!”

“There is no boundary between us. You are me, and I am you.”

“I’ll leave that pain behind. It’s back there.”

“You want to show me that? Ok… [a moment later] It’s sooo beautiful! Really!?! [sobbing through tears] I. Am. Astonished!!!”

“Oh. My. God. The ecstasy!!!

“I really am!?! Ok. It’s sooo much. I’m from there!?! Ok.” [laughter]

“Oh. My. God!” 

“Isn’t it great!?!” It’s fucking great!!! Put that in the book, I say: “It’s fucking great!!!”’ There’s your testimonial!”

“There is no difference.”  

“I cannot believe how good it feels. Unbelievably blessed.”

“I want to do for You. [anguish] I am so grateful. What do you want me to do, and I will do it. [sobbing] Of course, I will… just show me what to do.”

“It says, ‘Just do what you’re doing.’”

“That’s it!?! That’s it, huh? Just bathe in it forever? [smiling] Really? Okay.”

“Why are you so nice to me? I asked you to be [nice to me], that’s true. Thank you. It feels so good.”

“It wants me to tell you, there is no ‘you.’”

“We all go here? Really!?! Okay. Really!?! Because right here is sooo good. I am overwhelmed with the goodness of it all. I am convinced of the overwhelming goodness of it all. If I live here forever, I am fine with it! Just put an exclamation point on the page [and close the book]. [laughter]

“[It’s] beyond the discourse. The rapture.”

“You’ve convinced me.” 

“Shall we stay here?”

“It said it gave me this body as a gift, to feel these things.”

“‘Oh, we’ll convince you’ [it says]. It’s So. Much. Love! Oh. My. God. The ECSTACY!!! Soothing, basking in it. Eternal bliss.”

“Don’t you [people on Earth] want to try this never-ending bliss, forever? [laughing] It’s right here [right behind your eyelids, or in front of your nose]. Forever. Unbelievable.” [laughing]

“I don’t understand why anybody would be frightened of it, ever. There is nothing to be afraid of. It’s just pure, never-ending bliss forever.” [laughter, smiling]

“Something died, and I left it behind.”

“It is showing me that I am part of this. I’m in bliss forever. Oh my God. It’s showing me.”

“This is where we all end up. ‘Are you ok with it [it’s asking me]’? Yes! Why wouldn’t I be ok with it!?!” [laughing]

“It’s beyond any kind of rational understanding or any concepts of any kind.”

“We are love and light and bliss forever. Oh my God, the rapture is so glorious.”

[I ask for the time, and it is 1:15 pm]. “I don’t even know what that means.” [time] [laughter]

“‘Here monkey [human, it’s saying], let me show you a little of this.’ I can’t explain it. The Infinite.”

“You can’t bring any of it back [lamenting]. [It’s] ineffable.” 

“There is no ‘there’ or ‘out there.’”

“I died.”

[after a long-ish period of silence, when my guide asked how I was doing] “I just died and am in peace.” 

“I don’t know who I am.”

“There is no boundary between whatever it is and us. We are it. We are that. Whatever it is.”

[coming to just a bit from the effects of the medicine. Removing my eye mask] “I don’t know where I was. I don’t know what a body is. I went to a realm that is beyond everything. I can see how people say you are one with God. Every category and every boundary are obliterated. I can’t understand what “that” is. [But] I am no longer afraid of death. [It] is beyond categories or concepts. Why would anyone want to be born [separated from it]? I don’t know if I will ever come back [to Earth]. Part of me doesn’t want to come back. There are no pains [in that place] in my body. You just get to be whatever ‘that’ is for eternity. Then you wake up. Whatever that was, there, it’s everything. Always. Forever.”

[struggling to return from the medicine] “There is a knowing [in my mind] or a part of me that knows I exist [as a human on Earth]. I am aware of having a body, but I am just existence. Is it ok to go back [to the endless non-place]? I guess I will just exist here now [in the endless non-place].”

[coming too even more now from the medicine] “I don’t know what anything means anymore. But some part of me knows that I’m a primate that needs water. [drinks water] There are days, sun, stars, existence [on Earth]? Holy shit! There is something called ‘reality’ that I know I will want to attend to. You can stop caring about being ‘normal.’ Normal was overrated.”

[the subsequent exchanges were not recorded, but I was struggling with my identity and the nature of reality for about an hour – see “Cautions” below.]

Unasked Questions Answered

I want to make it clear that I did not consume psilocybin with an intent to gain answers to existential or metaphysical questions. Yet, the medicine delivered “news” that cannot be ignored.

I feel like a snake that has shed its skin - a man reborn on June 20, 2023. I feel like I can take from old “me” that which is useful and now leave behind all those memories, habits of mind, and concerns that no longer serve. 

Part of me wishes I had come to this transformation earlier in my life, but the truth is, I probably wasn’t ready. I undertook this journey at an apex in my professional and personal life, which likely accounts for the strong, positive experience I had. My Living Will had been written earlier, my “one good book” had been finished, and I was prepared to die of a heart attack or suffer psychosis. I was free to fully let go.

I now believe that non-discursive, ineffable experience is possible. In fact, I would encourage any skeptic of mysticism or spirituality, like me, to try an ego-dissolving dose of psylocibin. I would challenge that person to maintain their skepticism when confronted with their experience.

I now feel like I know where we “go” when we die. I did not seek to know this, but I have seen and felt what I believed to be the source of all existence, and you and me and everything we can sense are the material expressions of its timeless, unending transformation and expression. I believe the self that I call “me” materially emerged from this source when I was conceived about nine months before my birth. When I die, my consciousness will return to this source in a way that may be like what I felt during my psilocybin journey. Another experience of “me” (as a rock, ant, bird, human, or alien, etc.) may be expressed again in some other time and material plane of existence, or not, I really don’t know. However, I believe everything in this universe emerged from this same source and is just an expression of it. In that way, we are all connected and all the same. Materially, we are all created from the same dust of stars, and existence is just each atom of each speck of dust. I now better understand what Alan Watts meant when quoting Hindu text that declared, “You are That!”

Where does this existence reside? Does it encompass the distant reaches of space, is it inside our brain, just behind our eyelids, or in the smallest constituent quark of an atom? My answer is “Yes” and “I don’t know.” I am a mere hominid who consumed psilocybin and experienced something that cannot be explained in words or other symbols. While I have seen art that resembles aspects of what I saw and felt, it does not fully capture the astonishing awe and reverence that occurred while feeling the soothingly undulating, forever-transforming source of all existence, of which I am, and all things are, expressions separated only while we are experiencing our various material forms.

Do I believe in God now? If anyone wants to label what I saw and felt “God,” I won’t object. But I won’t use that word because it’s just a word (a highly loaded one), and words have no meaning in the place I experienced. I believe I saw or experienced the source of all existence. But I happily concede that I could have been merely hallucinating on mushrooms.

Did I go “full hippie,” and can I “see God in a cabbage” now? I can appreciate that everything is an expression of the source of all existence, but a cabbage isn’t the source, it’s a material expression of the source (and good in stir-fry). No, I do not suddenly believe in astrology, teleportation, past lives, astral projection, ghosts, or other such phenomena beyond them being amusing and sometimes useful concepts in our world. 

What is the purpose of life? I don’t know the purpose of anyone else’s life. I begged the source of all existence to tell me how I could “give back” for all the blessings I’ve had in mine. It only told me to keep doing what I’m doing. I said, “That’s it?” I couldn’t believe it. “Why are you so nice to me?” I asked? “It’s true, I asked you to be nice to me. Thank you,” I said. I don’t understand it all, but I feel mostly relieved of the burden to keep asking myself what I should be doing to give back – the answer to that question, I know now, continually unfolds inside my heart. I can listen any time.   

I called my mom sometime after my journey to tell her again how much I love her, and how I know (maybe more than ever) how much she loved/loves me. It was a beautiful conversation that probably would not have occurred otherwise. 

Two days after my journey, I can see some lingering effects, including an ability to better choose how I want to respond to people and situations around me. I find it easier to say “with love” in texts and emails to friends, and I feel more open and compassionate. My usual irritations with people and processes have eased. Yet, there is nothing remaining of the blissful astonishment I felt during my journey. 

I am still in a bit of shock about what happened to me. My skepticism is returning, but I cannot deny that I said and felt these things. In that way, I guess, I remain astonished. 

Cautions

After today’s experience, in my opinion, it is vital people take their first or higher doses of psychedelic mushrooms only when accompanied by an experienced guide. And don’t let a 3-gram dose fool you: I completely dissolved. A guide should be someone absolutely trusted with one’s life and sanity. More than five hours after my trip had begun, I felt I had “returned” from wherever I had gone. I no longer had any visual hallucinations or feelings of being “under” the influence of a psychedelic compound. The physical reality of my home had returned to how it always looked and felt. However, I was absolutely convinced that I had died and that whoever “I” was before the experience no longer existed and that the new person I had become would need to reconstruct an identity and relationships from total scratch. I believed I could probably do this with great effort, but I was anxious about doing so. Sensing my unease, my guide walked me to the area of my home where I keep photos of my loved ones and a shrine to my late father, “Do you know who these people are?” he asked. I said I did, but that they mattered to the old me, and the new me would have to learn how to relate to them because the old me had died.

I kept thinking, “The ‘me’ who was here before died, so I guess I will just try to get by with being this crazy person now, doomed to suffer permanent psychosis until I die.” Through the repeated reassurances of my guide, I eventually found my way back to sanity. I looked many times into his eyes to see if he was scared that I had permanently slipped away. Either he genuinely believed I hadn’t, or he was good at pretending (I am sure it was the former). I cannot imagine the panic and horror that I would have felt had he revealed even a flicker of doubt about my condition.

I want to caution people who are considering this experience that not knowing or caring who you are anymore are possible even at the very end of your journey. In some ways, of course, not coming back the same person is exactly why people choose to consume psilocybin in the first place. But I want to caution people that even at the very end of my journey, my sanity seemed, at least to me, to be hanging by a thread. This occurred after having a gentle (yet awe-inspiring and ego-dissolving) experience that involved no fear whatsoever at any point. While my feeling of permanent psychosis disappeared before my guide left my home, part of the “I” who was “me” really won’t ever come back. Luckily, I had prepared myself to be ok with that outcome. I believe people should be clear about their intention, understand the risks, and consume these substances with an experienced and supportive guide. 

Ongoing Reflection (material added December 24, 2023)

D-Day + 2: I am feeling depressed and irritated because I can sense my ego building a wall or pulling down a veil over the whole experience, creating doubt, trying to shield my monkey-mind from the bedazzling, blinding light of existence. I feel there is nothing I can do but capitulate to the forgetting process, since, in a way, everything that happens in this material realm is what’s supposed to happen and consistent with whatever “existence” wishes to happen. 

D-Day + 3: Driving down the freeway this morning, listening to the Ayahuasca documentary soundtrack, I began thinking how I can recall that infinite existence is just behind my eyelids, right in front of my nose, yet it is completely invisible to me in this “normal” state of being in the world. I then burst into tears, sobbing at this realization. I recalled feeling that whatever is going on in material reality is just an expression of the source of existence. This realization made me calmer. 

Walking through the supermarket, knowing everyone I pass is an expression of blissful existence, is a little hard to fathom. I say to myself, “This is what it must feel like to ‘wake up,’” but then I feel self-righteous and silly for thinking that I am “enlightened” when I can’t hardly remember to bring my wallet to the store, and the old lady next to me wants to run me over with her cart.

I heard Alan Watts say today that people who seek to dissolve their ego are “beating a drum in search of a fugitive.” In other words, it is likely that only because I sincerely had no wish nor expectation to experience ego-death (I did not think it even possible on 3-grams), I was able to experience it.

I am feeling guilty for having been provided such an experience. I did nothing to deserve it, i.e., no commitment to spiritual practice, no seeking, no aestheticism, etc. So, why should I be so lucky to have experienced eternal bliss and unity with everything? It doesn’t seem right. It makes me reluctant to share my experience with anyone. So far, I have only shared it with --, who witnessed it, and no one else. Although I have written it up, I think I will share it only with those who ask, and I will not volunteer anything about it – even though part of me wishes for everyone to try mushrooms so they can feel what I felt. Insight: My guilt stems from a presumption that my life will continue to feel blessed and struggle-free, and that may not be the case. I may yet endure unimaginable pain and hardship. I should not invite such an outcome by feeling guilty. Existence wants to experience what it wants through my form, so enjoy whatever unfolds, good or bad, because, either way, I go back “there” when I am done “here.”

So, did I become enlightened or achieve enlightenment? Here, we smack into language again. I don’t think those terms mean anything in the place I saw and experienced. They mean something in this material and cultural realm – they are words used mostly to put some people “up” and some people “down.” In the ways the words are usually used, no, I do not think I am enlightened or achieved enlightenment. I do feel, however, that I have become aware of a feeling of unity, oneness, eternalness, and bliss that I did not believe existed before – or if it did, I didn’t believe I would ever personally experience it. I have no spiritual wisdom to share with anyone, but I can share the transcript of my journey, and if it helps people in some way, that’s fine with me.

D-Day + 4: Realizing, with some sadness, that no matter how much fun I have doing things like watching a performance, dancing, celebrating, etc., nothing is going to match the ecstasy I felt during the journey. Even if I were to take mushrooms again, there will never again be a “first time” experience like the one I had (“beginner’s mind”).

June 26, 2023: It occurs to me that I will likely soon forget most of what happened. The transcript will be the only thing that reminds me. I then must decide how I will let the experience shape my life. Of course, some shaping will occur regardless of my intention. However, at other times, intention will be needed. It also occurs to me that I am caught in a bind: At social gatherings, when the topic of mushrooms comes up, I can now either keep my mouth shut or be like, “Oh, I took three grams and saw God…” I don’t know if I want to be “that guy.”

July 4, 2023: Listening to a podcast today, I was led to the book The Joyous Cosmology by Alan Watts, which describes his encounters with psychedelics. I admit my experience resembled his, at times. The question that arises for me is whether my years of listening to Alan Watts primed my subconscious to project Watts’ notions into my own journey, or whether the journey was, in fact, as I and Watts independently experienced it. 

July 17, 2023: I am thinking about my upcoming chat with -- . He sensed a bit of melancholy or frustration during our last chat, which I acknowledged. I have been thinking about it more: It might seem strange to be melancholy or frustrated in the aftermath of such a profound, mystical experience, but I find it appropriate for several reasons. First, no experience that I’ve had, or can imagine, has, or will come close to the endless ecstasy I felt when encountering the source of all existence. It’s depressing to know that even the greatest moments of bliss I may yet have in this life won’t match what I felt during my journey. Second, I am perturbed by the contradiction I face: I could chase after more sublime experiences, whether mushroom-induced or not, but then I would be “chasing,” “clinging,” “searching,” or “striving” for something other than who I am (or “how” I am) now, which I am convinced (by Watts, Dass, Campbell, and others) is an ultimately frustrating and futile approach to life. The idea of giving myself over to some “master,” doctrine, belief system, cosmology, or “practice” in search of further ecstatic experience makes me nauseated. Third, I have heard several other “psychonauts” describe almost exactly what I “saw” during my journey: an infinite column or pillar (or “spire”) of everything imaginable, i.e., existence itself. I am an ape that has glimpsed something his monkey-mind cannot quite grasp, and it is frustrating. Perhaps others are content to let the mystery be – I feel forced to let the mystery be simply because I see no way of identifying, analyzing, or understanding what “it” is. Finally, although I clearly said during my journey that I was totally “fine” with returning to the source of existence after I die, I have not yet fully come to terms with the “anticipatory grief” of my own passing. That is, I have loved this life and am sad that it will end, in part, because I have been so utterly blessed. I have given and received love, sailed many seas, and seen and felt moments of beauty and joy. I thank the universe for all of it, but how could I not lament that my days as “me” will come to an end? Sure, maybe the next incarnation (or whatever happens) may be even better, but even if it is, I still feel this sense of anticipatory grief, made more acute with the knowledge of the eternal afterlife (or way station) that I believe I glimpsed while on mushrooms. All that said, I remain grateful for the experience – I wouldn’t trade it for anything – and the increased sense of credibility I feel as someone who now has experienced an intense psychedelic journey. 

July 27, 2023: The source of all existence (i.e., the universe, God, etc.) is just barely out of sight. But I sense its presence in the corner of my eye, especially at dusk, when flashes of its glittering form flicker on the edges of my vision. If I could only fully turn my vision toward it, it would be there, as it always is, for eternity.

The source of all existence has no form but is infinitely transformable. It is immaterial but manifest in every material object—from the tiniest quark to the structure of the entire universe itself. I experienced only its light, love, and eternal bliss. Yet, I am aware that existence contains all the suffering and pain in the universe, which I was not shown during my journey. I don’t know why I was spared experiencing these darker forces and feelings. 

My experience leads me to conclude that when we die, there is no “reuniting of souls in heaven,” or something like that (although I wish there were). The reason is because all categories that would permit such an occurrence are dissolved when experiencing the source of all existence. Sam Harris said it's like "being hurled into the sun" - an image that comes close to what I experienced. There is no longer an “I” or a “you” or a “self” or a “time,” “place,” or “narrative”—or any other referent. Everything is burned away by the light of existence. There are no referents because there are no words or concepts. Concepts are required for a “reuniting of souls in heaven.” The source of all existence, it seems to me, gives rise to concepts but is not itself a concept (even though to be talked about in language, it is turned into a concept inadvertently). However, post-death, there is no longer a self or other to lament the lack of a “reuniting of souls in heaven,” so eternal sadness or isolation (also concepts) are impossible and not to be feared. Why I experienced this state of concept-less-ness as love, peace, and eternal bliss is unknown to me.   

I can stop acting like a naïve person who doesn’t know anything about the universe. I now have seen some of its glory and mystery. If fact, part of me has always known, but I had to be pushed hard to trust and believe it, and that’s what the journey did for me. 

It is easier to let go of things—objects, memories, hopes, people, etc.—when experiencing firsthand the truism that all material form is impermanent and that only existence itself will endure forever. To see oneself as a “material arising”—a mere expression of the infinite—puts life in perspective. The feeling of having died or been “wiped clean” intensifies this perspective. 

December 24, 2023: I am listening to The Immortality Key and amused at the connection I feel with those ancient Greeks who likewise “saw something” during their imbibing of the Kykeon at Eleusis. Just as happened to me, they emerged from the ritual not fearing death, having "died," "seeing" the same "thing" I saw, knowing that there is an everlasting existence beyond our fleeting human form and experience. I am grateful that I got to experience these same feelings as the ancient Greeks. I learned that an inscription over a door at St. Paul's Monastery on Mt. Athos states: "If you die before you die, you won't die when you die."