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MD Journal

submitted to the Fadiman MD study



Micro-dosing Journal

Tuesday, May 2, 2017: first MD @ .3 grams. Shrooms have to be @ 15 years old, but still seem to contain magic. Mood lightened, senses brightened, general awareness heightened – but all just a little. Noticing doing things differently – took a different line in cutting the back yard. Listened to classical music instead of watching the news during breakfast. Aware of the separation of foods in my cereal; the oats covered in blueberry yogurt, the clump of almond butter stuck at the bottom side, the first bite of banana was extra good. Not perturbed by our dog’s barking, feeling more laissez-faire. Meditation was quiet, less dosing off. After walking our dog, ate an orange, the flavor was exquisite (possible that ‘live foods’ will contain more attraction?). Noticed how much I enjoyed listening to a Doobie Bros "One Step Closer" album before going to dinner – aural more acutely aware, plus the lyrics on that album are especially spiritual.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017: Noticing my behavioral mood habits, e.g. being curmudgeonly in the morning. Slightly but perceptibly more outgoing at spin class, and more communicative with my wife this morning. Started listening to the news in the car but turned it off – my consciousness didn’t want the onslaught of noise to interfere with the still lingering desire for quietude. Overall feeling more positive, not quite so withdrawn behind the ego-shell. Was quite hungry today, but not sure it there was a causal relationship.

Thursday, May 4, 2017: still feeling quieter, although old habits return. Overcoming inertia may take a few more doses! Overall more positive outlook, heart is opened slightly more – a good thing.

Friday, May 5, 2017: 2nd MD, .3 grams, same as before. Took with a graham cracker to have something in my stomach. The effect not quite as perceptible as the first dose, but on the dog walk took note of my awareness of the sounds around me, quieter head than usual, and later, when the overcast skies started to part, and beautiful white clouds appeared, they were dancing with each other to the wind; very beautiful. Am appreciating the lift that the MD gives me, to my senses, my mood. I’m thinking it’s like teeth whitener for the spirit. Will want to experiment with the dosage a bit going forward. Felt the pull to meditate which initially felt good, then started to nod off. Meditated later for a long time. Now feeling a bit agitated. Could have something to do with the GERD, or maybe just wanting to feel high? MDing may well be a process. Also, possible that the MD may start to push me to stop wasting time? Felt a bit spacey too, very mildly disoriented. Reminded, to a much lesser degree, of the stages I went thru after I first took mescaline in the early 70s.

Monday, May 8, 2017: MD @ .3; feeling a slight lift, quiet head, nice slow breathing. Enjoying the micro-dosing and the effect its having. Got into a political debate with my stepson in the evening and felt pretty centered and focused, knowing that it could have gotten very emotional. I think the MD has something to do with the centeredness.

Tuesday, May 9, 2017: more aware of things that I haven’t been aware of for a long time, as in back when I was going thru my spiritual awakening. Of course now to a much lesser degree, but nonetheless having more feelings of introspection (the good kind) and awareness of my surroundings. Subtly reminded of the power of this sacred medicine, and grateful to have come across this MD procedure. 

Thursday, May 11, 2017: MD @ .3: more stems in the dose, and I think not quite the same potency as the little bits off the bottom of the bag I’ve been doing. Was aware of how busy my mind was when walking our dog. Feeling a bit strange, like I’ve had a micro-dose but different than before. Maybe before the potency was enough to quiet my mind and this time it was enough to make me aware of my mind.

Sunday, May 14, 2017: dose day, but since we were on the road I didn’t take. However, interesting observation – at my stepdaughters for dinner, her boyfriend said something (can’t remember what) that brought a flash of negative emotion to the surface (not quite anger, but maybe), and although I made some comment in response what I noted was that it’s been a while since I’ve felt that kind of flash of negativity, that I’ve really been much more mellow and kind, I guess I could say. And the negative emotion really felt foreign, like I had no control over its power and speed. I’m sure it was the MDing that allowed me to observe it, and keep at least a little distance from it.

Monday, May 15, 2017: MD @ .4. it was enough to be taken to a chill space, but still fully functional. Have probably spent too much time researching little things like how to sterilize inoculation needles, but a nice calm sense of focus. Have been feeling the pull to meditate since the MD kicked in, and will head in that direction now. I’m really quite hopeful that I can continue to awaken my fourth chakra, lay off the booze, and get back to a mind/heartset like that of when I was really spiritually awakening. It’s so much better than living an anesthetized life with alcohol.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017: had a date night and with that came some drinking, and with that came some reflux at night. Woke up with that familiar dull alcohol head. A reminder on many levels that I don’t want to continue down that path, but rather want to reawaken to heightened consciousness, which leads me to…

Thursday, May 18, 2017: MD @.3. Backed down to .3 because .4 seemed to be more than a subtle dose, and I want to keep it at the subliminal threshold, as tempting as getting a good high going is, because it will be accompanied by the subsequent down. Took my dose and then went on an 11 mile bike ride, which I didn’t notice any effects. After the bike ride we took the dogs for an hour walk in the open lands, and I definitely noticed it there, in particular in moments of silence between my wife and me and my thoughts went to Be Here Now and the cosmic consciousness of Neem Karoli Baba. I think MDing could be a way to be regularly reminded of higher, more spiritual goals, and by contrast, then not be so caught up in anesthetizing methods like alcohol and politics; things that distract us from opening our hearts. My angle with MDing is to open my heart chakra, not to attain to the astral or causal plane or beyond, but to live a more open, loving, joyous, compassionate life, and a life not merely aimed at running out the clock in as comfortable a way as possible but trying to reconnect to that place of “not my, but thy will, o lord”.  Of other note is that I am expressing negative emotions without being attached to them. This is an important distinction. When under the usual full control of my ego/mind, it usually first assesses the negative feeling, and then usually represses it, but if it is expressed it is done so with attachment and/or identification to/with the negative feeling. My expressions of anger/frustration/criticism under the influence of MD has been that of cleaner throughput – the feeling is expressed without attachment or filtering and is let go of immediately. When aimed at my wife she can sense this, and doesn’t take it personally. This is quite important.

Sunday, May 21, 2017: MD @ .3, then walked our dog with my wife in the open lands. No effect felt, so upon returning home I took @ .2 more. This is the doing of my experience-seeking ego. Proceeded to meditate, upon which I felt as though I was at the onset of a trip, with feelings of guilt for having taken more when I should have stuck with the program. Of course it didn’t go very deep, but nonetheless it was not in the spirit of MDing. After an hour’s meditation, I did a bunch of chores to resume some sense of normalcy, and I watched the True Hallucinations experimental documentary on YouTube, and was moved by various pieces of it, especially the following McKenna quote (spoken by McKenna, whose voice is quite moving in its own right):

"Somehow part of the package of being a living, thinking being is that you get a universe inside of you. You get a galaxy sized object inside you that you can access. And there, there are the mountains, the rivers, the jungles, the dynastic families, the ruins, the planets, the works of arts, the poetry, the sciences, the magics, of millions upon millions upon millions of worlds. And this is apparently who we each are. We're a little bit of eternity sticking into three-dimensional space and, for some reason, occupying time in a monkey body. But when you turn your eyes then inward you discover the birth right. The existential facts out of which this particular existence emerged. And it's a great secret. A great secret and a great comfort. Because it means mystery didn't die with the fall of Arthur or the fall of Atlantis or the fall of anything. Mystery is alive in the moment, in the here and now. It just simply lies on the other side of a barrier of courage. And it isn't even that high of barrier, it's just a barrier high enough to keep out the insincere and the misdirected. But for those who will claim it, in midst of the historical chaos in the late 20th century they become the archaic pioneers. They become the first people to carry the ouroboric serpent around to its own tail, and to make a closer. And to the degree that anyone of us has this connection back to the archaic in our life, it makes where we have been make a lot more sense, and it makes where we're going seem a lot more inviting. Which it really is, I think."

Felt a warm afterglow subsequent to the rush wearing off, the kind of feeling I wish I could sustain always; open, loving. Had a beer with my stepson, who was cooking us dinner, and wished I hadn’t done so, since it kind of dampened down the warm feeling. Much of this is leading me to want to do a proper dose to reconnect with the Mystery, dissolve the ego for a while, and go where I need to go with courage and intention.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017: my wife thanked me for being nicer the past few weeks, and chipping in more on chores and stuff. I told her I think the MD has something to do with it. Am finding myself drawn to T McKenna lectures, for obvious reasons. I feel a more organic flow to my life right now – not all unicorns and roses but more of an immediacy with the moment, feelings getting expressed with less filtration. Am reawakening to memories and feelings of the awakening circa 1973, tho not nearly as intense, it is a good feeling to reconnect with that which was – and should still be – so important.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017: MD @ .35. Old supply is dwindling and may need to bridge to current project with a purchase.

Thursday, May 25, 2017: a consistent, yet very subtle, warmth occupies my head. It takes the shape of a yearning to (re)connect with that ocean of love experienced during a full flight into the Other. It’s gently moving me toward softer, higher things, and away from some of the more brutal realities of ‘reality’. Pull to meditate is consistently strong, although it hasn’t helped to prevent nodding off during. I like the feeling of my heart reawakening and reopening – it feels like where we, as humans, are meant to spend our lives.

Saturday, May 27, 2017: MD @ .3: spending a very mellow day practicing drums and listening to a Dandapani interview, of which I was able to really absorb a lot of wisdom imparted. Not pulled to turn on the news, or other outside distractions, but rather just feel the soft inner warmth brought on by the MD. The MDs continue to help me redirect my energies into more fulfilling and uplifting directions.

Sunday, May 28, 2017: last night my wife and I had plans to be together and my stepdaughter came over about 5:30, and hung around for a long time. Normally I would get quite irritated by her usual impeccable timing to show up at the wrong times but this time I just flowed with it, and after she left the evening flowed better than even if she hadn’t showed up… ‘flow’ being the operative word.

I commented to my wife last night that I am napping much less often and for much shorter periods of time now. Taught spin yesterday and did a bunch of chores in the yard and no nap, which for me (I’m 66 btw, and recently retired) is highly unusual after such an energy output. Again, has to be due to the MDs.

Kids came over for lasagna Sunday night. During dinner, I noticed that I didn’t respond to any of the usual chit-chat. I just listened as a neutral observer, but didn’t feel compelled to say anything. Then someone said something about the universe, which I responded to with a rather long exposition on the known universe, dark matter and dark energy, and how Patanjali described this same phenomenon 2000 years ago in his yogic aphorisms. So the conversation went from superficial to a deep-dive in a matter of seconds. This was not by design – this was a natural response to something that caught my interest. And it wasn’t taken by anyone as condescending or intellectually superior – something I could have been accused of under other circumstances. In retrospect, it reminded me of my headspace in the early period of my spiritual awakening, where my consciousness was naturally filtering out the unimportant and inconsequential and only responding to things which fed my spirit. These choices were not by some set of rules but rather a natural selection based on my current state of consciousness. That’s an important distinction.

Monday, May 29, 2017: Cut the grass, went for a 25 mile bike ride, then cooked BBQ for the kids. No booze until dinner and then just one beer. The drinking, which had become a problem, is falling away. I can see the time approaching where I won’t want even one drink at ‘happy hour’. This is not to say that I will stop completely, but that my desire for it is not nearly as strong now that better feelings are being cultivated with the help of the MDs.

Tuesday, May 30, 2017: MD @ .3: things took a different turn with today’s MD. So far on MD day I’ve been drawn to introspection, but last night I posted what turned out to be a rather controversial topic in a Facebook political group and got attacked pretty hard by one person. I was going to let it go but today I came out swinging, from a place of verbal acuity and emotional detachment, which turns out to be a pretty deadly combination when engaged in verbal combat. So a preconception about MDing being all peace & love has gotten dispelled. I believe I had read about MDing being helpful with problem solving, daily engagement (i.e. work) and I can see that it could be helpful, but since I’m now retired, I don’t really get to test that out on a regular basis.

Wednesday, Thursday: nothing much to report – life as usual without noticing much from MD, with one exception: I did go out of my way to give my wife hugs and tell her I loved her. Usually I wait for her to initiate emotional contact. I did this not from duty (head) but from a feeling in my heart. So, that is significant, and I would probably attribute that at least in part to the MD.

Friday, June 2, 2017: .4: a nice, quiet chill/warmth upon the onset of the MD. Pull to meditate, and I followed the urge. It was date night with my wife and I notice more amorousness, as if the MD heightens my desire to make love. Sildenafil certainly helps with the physical part but not the desire part – could be partly the onset of warmer weather, but I do think the MD has something to do with it.

Afterwards, my wife and I got into a discussion, and not a pleasant one, having to do with whether she is enjoying herself with all her gardening and household activities. She’s clearly frustrated sometimes and I pointed that out, and she said she doesn’t have enough time to do it all, etc. etc., and I’m like then you need to prioritize and stop trying to do so much. She said something like maybe the house was too much, and I heard that loud and clear, given it was really her desire to have this house. The point here as it pertains to the MDing is that I’m probing these feelings with some (not complete) detachment in trying to get to a place where we’re both doing what we want now, and not what we think we should be doing. Afterwards I was pretty quiet and didn’t belabor the discussion, but I notice I’m taking this information on board and not reacting to it so much as letting it in and seeing where it settles within me.

Saturday, June 3, 2017: Drove to Madison for my stepdaughter’s birthday and although I didn’t really want to be there I hung with the action, although again I was rather quiet, not because I wanted to be somewhere else or was pissed but rather because much of the conversation didn’t engage me. This is similar to my previous journal entry about the dinner. I am finding myself drawn more to introspective conversations of substance vs. chit-chat, like I did subsequent to my spiritual awakening, tho to a lesser degree. But I do think it’s the MDing that’s triggering this shift in attention.

Monday, June 5, 2017: @ .3: I teach spin classes and I invest a great deal of energy into them, and try to engage the participants although I get almost no feedback in return (at least during the class). I’ve noticed that I’ve stopped trying to get them to engage, that I still run a completely professional class but without the rah-rah come on guys you can do it cheerleading. I think my subconscious has decided not to waste that personal energy on them, although I’m pretty sure they notice the withdrawal. If only they realized how a little feedback would reap large rewards, but insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I’ve also requested some substitutes for some classes and I think we need a break from each other. I do believe this shift may be precipitated by MDing, a letting-go in process.

Tuesday, June 6, 2017: of particular note is my re-attraction to psychedelic literature. Am exploring the topics here and music and psychedelia here, am reading a 1967 Silverman article on shamans and schizophrenia and just ordered a book from MAPS on the psilocybin solution. Also continue to look at better ways to grow medicine.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017: I think I’m noticing less residual effects on the non-MD days; more back to usual frame of mind. Is it possible to build a tolerance at such low doses, spread out over 4 days?

Thursday, June 8, 2017: @ .0: got busy today and went with the flow and didn’t take scheduled MD. Will take it tomorrow. Am feeling as though my curmudgeonly ways are returning.

Friday, June 9, 2017: @ .3: always the pull to meditate after taking MD. Interesting to wait an extra day; I think I noticed the positive effects of the MD more. Helped to take the edge off my returning negativity.

Saturday, Sunday, June 10 and 11: See last Wednesday’s entry; similar experience regarding being ‘back to normal’ rather quickly after MD day.

Tuesday, June 13: @.3: no noticeable effect at all. Am thinking that the small remaining amount is losing potency due to recent exposure to air. Will up the dose next time; might have enough left for 2 or so more MDs. Am finding myself more ‘back to normal’ and am bothered by the symptoms of GERD, which is not helping my mood. It’s been about 6 weeks’ worth of MDing, so perhaps it should be a schedule of 4 weeks on, 4 weeks off? Will consider after I exhaust old supply.

Thursday, June 15, 2017: with the lack of any effect of the last MD I find myself somewhat irritable. This brings to mind the parables about being ‘cast into outer darkness’ if your heart isn’t pure enough; in other words, the mushrooms can take us there but only temporarily if we haven’t done the real work of ‘working on ourselves’ (spiritually, e.g. meditation, selfless action). After reading this article in the Science Times, it makes me wonder whether it’s better to take the infrequent deeper journey (e.g. 3.5+ grams; “…the intensity of a person's peak experience during one of the clinically-induced trips correlates directly with the amount of improvement they experience”) into the Other Side and then process the experience over time, or follow a MD program, or both. That’s an open question.

Friday, June 16, 2017: @.5: upped the dose with the old supply. I’m going to make it a rule to meditate about an hour after taking. I think this really helps the MD take root in the consciousness without external distractions. Today’s meditation was filled with good memories, most of which long forgotten, and many about my spiritual awakening, and the people around me at the time. Clearly at low dosage there’s not the ego dissolution or the full flights of fancy, but there is self-reflection. I would suggest that it be recommended to all who MD that they plan an undisturbed hour after taking their MD, in a quiet place, with eyes closed, to allow the MD to really take effect. Then go about your business.

Saturday, June 17, 2017: I think I felt more residual effects at the higher dose. Had dinner with old friends last night and tried describing the MD experience, which is no easy task, due to the subtleties. What’s clear is that I now have an ongoing interest in reviving my own personal psychedelic experience, and I’m hopeful that my efforts will lead to a large enough supply to be able to make some available to friends who are interested. I’ve given quite a bit of thought as to what the requirements would be, e.g. proper understanding, set & setting, required reading prior to. MDing would clearly be the safer path but for some I think having a proper ego-dissolving experience would be incredibly helpful. As a musician, I’m quite interested in what types of music would be the most helpful too. We tend to stick with Grateful Dead, Yes, Tibetan chanting & singing bowls toward the end, but I would like to understand more about music that facilitates self-discovery. Articles featuring Mendel Kaelen have been interesting; would like to understand more. Would be interested in becoming a guide.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017: @ .4: When I decided to sell my software company, I knew that I didn’t want to keep doing the same thing for the rest of my life. However, I didn’t know what the next chapter would be, only that yet another blank page would be waiting to be written upon. Who would have thought that, like the first major sea change in my life 45 years ago, psychedelics would again play a role. I’ve updated my WB website to now include ‘entheogenic journeys’. Not that there’s any activity there, this seedling that I planted over 18 years ago continues to perhaps wait until the right moment in time for it to blossom. Or not, doesn’t really matter, but as I said to my wife last night, when I first read the Castaneda books I someday wanted to be like don Juan – sober, joyful, fierce, full of wisdom, willing to teach or, perhaps more correctly, share the teachings of the plants. Jim, I ordered your book today – old dogs slow to learn new tricks; it seems that your book may hold much information that I’m seeking in possible directions of application. I look forward to reading it, perhaps on our European vacation coming up in a few weeks. And btw, my crops are bearing fruit, so it looks like I’ll have a supply for the foreseeable future, which is good news. In the meantime, I continue to be grateful for the revival in both memory and experience that this humble yet amazing little fungus unlocks.

Friday, June 23, 2017: @ .3: over the past few days I’ve noticed a shift in gravitational pull, back to things more metaphysical (for lack of a better term) in nature. Listening to some podcasts from the Psychedelic Salon, and checked out the Burning Man website. Still very actively engaged in The Resistance however, as I feel compelled to stay engaged in light of what’s going on politically. As Ram Dass once said, it’s a multi-layered strudel and we can interact on many levels simultaneously, provided we don’t get sucked in (i.e., remain detached).

Sunday, June 25, 2017: continue to be acutely aware of conversation that serves no purpose, has no aim; it just fills dead air. E.g. we had our neighbor over for dinner last night, and the vacuous dialogue had me involuntarily checking my watch far too often. It was said by someone that we’re dreaming we’re awake, but really we’re just lost in a muddle of auto-generating thoughts that, like our smartphone screens, we can’t seem to take our eyes off of. Psychedelics, even MDs, wake us up, for better and worse.

Sunday, July 2, 2017: @ .7: it will behoove me to continue journaling, considering my psychological state surrounding my re-involvement with the magic mushroom. Since running out of my old stash I/we have MD’d 3 times, including today. The first time with the new material was .4 for me and .3 for my wife, and we both felt the effect fairly strongly; however, it was definitely different than the old batch – less bright, less visual, but we both felt it quite noticeably. I meditated while my wife cleaned the house, so we took very different directions with our MD. The next time I lowered the dose to .3 and .2, and we both felt nothing. I began to question the potency of my grow, and spent quite a bit of time on Shroomery trying to figure out why the effects were different between the new and the old. So today, I took .4 powdered with grapefruit juice (per lemon TEK) and went to cut the grass. An hour later I felt no effects, so I took an additional .3 for a grand total of .7. Well, it did take effect, and at first I felt a bit blurry and irritated and then I got quite horny, and asked my wife if, instead of our planned bike ride, she would want to make love, which she agreed to. So we showered and went to bed and it was really amazingly sensual, although I had taken quite a bit more than my wife and therefore I was starting to go in a deeper direction but the experience managed to stay within the bounds of normality I guess I can say, and subsequently we talked as we haven’t talked in a long, long time; the kind of talk that takes place when you’re coming down from a trip. It was intimate and honest and I think I heard my wife’s concerns about her life at a crossroads so much better and had a lot more empathy. So it started sexual and ended quite therapeutically, not unlike what I would imagine a MDMA couple’s therapy session would be. So we most unusually spent the beautiful summer Sunday morning in bed, and then my wife left to get my stepdaughter and I went for a 20 mile bike ride. Going forward I will not bump to .7 again but I might go to .5; we’ll see, still trying to get a handle on the right dosage with the new materials. I’m either not feeling it at all or bam, so the sub-perceptual threshold is a bit elusive right now. I also may need to allow more time for things to take effect; e.g. 90 minutes vs. an hour.

Wednesday, July 5: @ .45: my concerns about potency have been put to rest. Will back down the amount going forward. Meditated, and per usual the spiritual medicine showed me ways I need to improve myself; my moodiness mainly. Took photos of my wife’s gardens and posted them to FB. Beautiful day, and a warm inner breeze prevails.

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