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First trip on 3.5g cubensis
Little backstory: This was my first mushroom trip. I
had been drawn to trying these after experimenting with marijuana (both
vaporized and eaten) and enjoying the introspective states I was able to
achieve. I had also heard many good stories from some podcasts that I
subscribe to that considerably changed my perspective on these
substances. I had 3.5g cubensis and was originally planning to try them
at the same time as a friend but that timing didn't work out and therefore I
decided to go for the whole dose on my own. 3.5g is pretty
aggressive for a first dose but decided I wanted to go for it. I should mention that after the initial phase
I am possibly mixing up the order of things as quite frankly I was pretty far
gone. I apologize for a lot of the quotation marking I will be using, a
lot of these things were very hard to describe and these are my best attempts. My thoughts are very much unfiltered too so
they may lack cohesion but I am sharing them in case others have had the same
feelings. I should also say that I am
normally a very rational person. I work
in a STEM position and am a very logical and rational thinker in general.
I waited until a nice relaxed and low stress weekend day I knew I could relax and not have any distractions or obligations. I ate only a small amount of food that day, I find it difficult to fast completely. When I was ready to start I ground up the 3.5g using a mortar and pestle and mixed it in with a small amount of natural greek yogourt. The taste and texture was manageable but certainly not the most pleasant. Regardless I was able to eat it all within a couple of minutes and then laid down in a propped up position on my living room couch. The area was very clean and comfortable and some late day sun was coming in through the windows, a pretty nice atmosphere.
Didn't notice much for the first 30 minutes or so but then there was a slight discomfort in my stomach, I knew to expect this so I wasn't alarmed. It began to settle down soon after, I am luckily blessed with a hard to upset stomach so this passed quickly. After this point I began to feel effects come on fairly rapidly. I would often catch things feeling "just not quite right" and catch small visual distortions in the sides of my vision. Some things appeared to be "swimming" and not entirely "reliable". I also had the feeling of going over a roller coaster or butterflies in the stomach. This seemed separate from the brief discomfort I had just before this. I felt a bit nervous at this stage, it felt like something big was coming. But I also knew to relax and go with the flow so this was manageable. (As I actually type this I am feeling very similar feelings!).
These feelings increased and I was seeing some strong visual feedback. This included a general richness and saturation of colour and some faint patterns began to develop. This continued and amplified and things (even those entirely manmade) had a very ethereal and organic look. It seemed as though the room was breathing and alive. This continued to get stronger and patterns began to develop that looked like ancient art. One of the most interesting things was a brown rug in my living room began to grow a plant like material out of it. It spiraled into complex patterns and began to overtake things nearby it. This material seemed like a dense weed or vine and looked very alive.
Beyond this point things got less visual but more immersive and difficult to describe or even recall correctly. I began to feel less like I was in the room and suddenly felt like I was in a box that the bottom and top had blown off simultaneously. I didn’t see anything different per se I just suddenly felt like I wasn’t using my eyes and was just feeling that I was somewhere huge and expansive, without limit. At this point I remember saying to myself “oh no, oh no”. Not in a bad, scared way. But in the sense of “how did I not know this was here? This has been here all along?”. I also kept thinking “people don’t know about THIS?”. In parallel with this I began to become aware of some kind of frequency or sound that seemed like it was everywhere, and it felt organic. This kept getting reinforced and the best way I can describe it is as a “Chorus of Life”. It sounded strong, defiant yet welcoming to me. I remember thinking “Is anyone else hearing this? “ it seemed so hard to ignore. I really felt an appreciation of the beauty in this experience.
At this point I really began to get into the stronger aspects of the trip. I began to feel a very strong sense of awe and wonder. But not in the sense I had heard other people describe which is wonder towards objects or things. I was just imparted this sense of general wonder and kept thinking “wow, wow, I can’t even understand this, wow”. I felt like a small child seeing the world for the first time. I even felt like I had to look away (even though I wasn’t seeing anything per se) because it was too wonderful to gaze upon. I really had the feeling that someone or something was imparting me with the idea that “you don’t have any idea what is out there”.
It was around this time that I began to come aware of a presence that seemed separate from the general “life feeling” I was getting. I sensed the presence of a friendly feminine type energy, very motherly feeling actually. It had a very comforting effect on me and seemed very large and powerful yet also intimate and caring. I felt like I was being embraced and comforted. I feel crazy even as I type this but the feeling was undeniable. It was a feeling of love, but love without a specific context. It was an unconditional love.
It was around this point where I had the only negative part of the trip. It wasn’t even negative per se, just not comfortable. I remember thinking to myself “I got this, I’m comfortable here” and I had a very odd feeling immediately after this. It only lasted an instant but it had the distinct tone of “easy there, don’t get cocky” and I sensed a feeling of great power that could “crush” me but chose not too. It’s difficult to put into words but it seemed like it was trying to “check me”. This feeling was not subtle, I can’t tie it down to an actual sense but just the feeling I got was unmistakeable.
Shortly after this I went through an experience where items in the apartment went from looking nice and organic and friendly and began to look “adversarial” and look like they were all looking at me. It made no sense of course but I had the feeling of having the attention of everything in the room looking directly at me. It seemed like they were talking amongst themselves and they came to a consensus that “I” was the problem and I felt an energy directed at me. But at the same time I felt a strong inclination to laydown and that feminine energy seemed to convey to me “relax, lay down, I got this” and I felt like I was being drained of my life. It was pretty scary but I felt comforted at the same time and kept getting the message “we got this, relax, we got this” and I felt a deep feeling of release and unburdening. I felt like I couldn’t get off the couch if I tried, it even felt like there were vines that we reabsorbing me into the “ground”. I need to emphasize that when I say “feel” I do not mean in any subtle sense. These were all clear, direct and strong feelings. There was no doubt in my mind I was feeling these. I was also crying at this point, it felt impossible not to.
As I began to finally roll off the trip I came more aware of how “far” I had really gone. I felt like I was coming back into my body and environment and went through a phase of settling into that felt very unusual. I remember saying to myself “wait what happened here…. You took mushrooms it’s ok” several times. There was a strong sense of confusion and the feeling like I was back but not quite and some very bizarre feelings. Ever have the feeling like you’ve walked into a room at the wrong time and you shouldn’t be there? As if people were either talking about you or at least something you should not hear? I flashed in and out of this feeling for several minutes. Feeling like I didn’t quite “belong” in my body. I felt like I needed to be totally still and not draw any attention to myself. It was a very unusual and strong feeling. I also remember trying to “Put it all back together”. Like I’d say to myself “you took mushrooms but you’re back, you’re in a room, people stay in rooms, you are a man, you are ok”, I felt like I was coming back into my body but for the first time. I bounced between the stages of “trying to collect myself” and general confusion and the feeling of “being an imposter” for a good while until I began to normalize again.
This experience really rattled me (in a good way). It felt like I had been looking through a window of what I called “possibilities” and then the entire building collapsed around me. The important takeaways for me were the feeling of acceptance, love and wonder. I’ve only told a couple of friends about this and not to the degree of detail I’ve posted here cause frankly it sounds crazy. But I experienced it and it was as real as anything else I’ve ever felt or experienced.