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Words are inadequate


Let me start with some background information. 
This was my first trip on shrooms. 
I have done ecstasy 3 times, smoke herb almost daily, and have dabbled in syrup a few times. 
I am 20 years old and have contemplated shrooms for about a year now, doing my research, reading trip reports and so on

Three of friends and I had finally acquired an eighth each of shrooms (unsure of which species)
We had a trip sitter who has done acid and shrooms previously
First off- We were in a completely comfortable environment and I was surrounded by my best friends in the entire world and also my boyfriend of 2+ years

And now, the trip. 

We started off cutting our shrooms to our preference and had them down the hatch by 10. Now this is my first trip and had been told by others who had already tripped on this particular strain and had told us that these were ridiculously strong and tried to convince me to only do a teenth, however I insisted on an eighth. 

After ingestion we decided to smoke a bowl. Fast forward 20 minutes, I have this crazy high that was definitely more than just the weed, plus I had the feeling of being on a mad sugar rush. I was giddy and excited, laughing at everything. After about 30 minutes or so of the giddy, slightly drunk feeling I began to notice that colors were much brighter and everything seemed interesting to just look at. At some point I noticed the string hanging from the attic door had started to quiver and realized I was in for the ride of my life. 

The next several hours are a bit of a haze for me and some of these sections may be in an kilter order, but hey my reality was off kilter also. 

I had decided to get my laptop out to listen to music and head to the other room where the blacklight is. I put on the Crystal Castles station on Pandora and laid down on the floor. I closed my eyes and was blown away, I felt like I was jetting around through an entirely separate world, the visuals were absolutely crazy, all different colors it was like being in a kaleidoscope, I opened my eyes and was surprised I had been joined by my boyfriend who then laid down with me. We were looking at my computers desktop background which was of a nebula  I had found on google. I was fixed by how breathtakingly beautiful it was. My eyes just started to stream tears and I could not stop crying. My boyfriend had decided he wanted the others to see this so we went into the other room to share this. I decided to sit down on the couch in the room and listen to music while I continued onward and upward on the trip. However this is where things start to get sticky. The last thing I really remember from this point was when I was sitting on the couch and started to think. Everything started to come to me. Thoughts of my past, my life right now, and where it's going. Explaining how I felt during these next few hours is tough, there doesn't seem to be words or word arrangements that can make sense of how I felt. In retrospect I guess this was ego splitting or possibly even ego death? 

Anyways, back to the couch. I was sitting on the couch, I remember seeing things that were of my life but it seemed I was in third person. I saw my grampa who passed away in Jan of 2011, I remember being with him. I saw my friend who had passed away a week prior to this. Then I went back further in time, back to youth and innocence, I was trying to make sense of it all in my head, and everything kept changing. There were different scenes that were completely separate realities to me. I felt stripped of everything I had known about my life life it had all been made up in my head,  it reminded me of my mother and sisters and most of all of my boyfriend. Even though he was right beside me on the couch I felt completely disconnected from him, and from everyone for that matter. I was scared and "alone" I kept having the thought I was going to be stuck like this forever and then I was back to thinking about my mom and my family and I thought I would never see them again, It's almost as if I saw myself dying,  I was with her, begging her to forgive me for who I was and everything I had done, thinking I had been nothing but a disappointment. I was confessing everything about my life to her, telling her how sorry I was and how much I loved her. Then I was with my sisters. I saw myself laughing and having fun with them. But I still had the feeling it wasn't real and even more so that I wasn't real and my life up to this point had just not happened. During this entire time I was scared shitless. I would have random times of coming to when I would try to find my boyfriend or any of my friends but no one was "close" to me, even though they were all in the same room I was in a different dimension. I had this feeling of being in a trap and that this was how I was going to die. After wondering around in my head and trying to find my friends everything just kind of stopped. I stopped feeling like I was connected to anything at all, like there had been an imaginary string that someone had cut and i had fallen into nothingness. I was void of emotion, the only thoughts I knew were who was "I" and more importantly what was I? There was no physical body just the entity of "I". 

I have no recollection of how long this was, where my body was or what was going on around me, I think that I was unconscious? Upon looking back at the trip I think the next thing that happened was this:
Being on the couch with everyone around me as if it were a regular weekend night and we were all hanging out. The scene looked and felt familiar but it wasn't, And it was in repeat. Our trip sitter kept talking to his brother, and it was the same thing over and over and over, the scene just stayed in my head and I couldn't get out of it. But the strangest thing was that I felt like I had no idea who these people were, I knew their names, but it again didn't feel like I was human and nor were they. 

The scene dissolves and I go back into the unconscious state. The last thing before I remember clearly that I was coming down was my friend shaking me "awake" on the couch telling me it was okay and that I was tripping and he was going to take care of me. He got me up and I was in the room the lights were on and no one else was in the room. I got up and we left the room and everyone else was going downstairs to go outside. I remember standing at the top of the steps just looking at everyone and trying to get my bearings. It took me several minutes just to get down the flight of stairs and on to the back porch. But my body was moving on auto pilot, I had no control over it, it just happened. They decided we should sit in the car (a past time of ours, just sitting in the car and smoking) I looked at the clock for the first time and it was around 4 am. But my body was still just doing things. I was looking at my fingers and they just kept moving on their own accord. I was looking around at my friends and I just said "Hey, What's up" I repeated this every so often for the next 10 or 15 minutes and I remember in my head I was thinking that;s not the right thing to say you need to say something different but nothing would come out other than "Hey, what's up" Everyone was asking me to say something different but I couldn't.After that I got out of the car. Or well my body did, I again remember thinking in my head that's not what I am supposed to do but I did. And a good thing too because everything suddenly became clear. I was standing in the driveway with no shoes on and I had to use the bathroom.

Over the next hour or so, we sat in the car smoking and silently reflecting on the night.
I know this story seems a but jumbled and is probably hard to understand but this is pretty much all I remember myself even after mulling over every aspect of the night for the past week and a half since I tripped. 
Looking back I realize that an eighth was entirely too much of these mushrooms but I will definitely trip again in the future, just on a smaller dose!

Please comment, ask questions or feel free to message me!

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