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more than I expected

This was the first time I had ever used mushrooms,and I had been looking forward to the experience for some time.



This was the first time I had ever used mushrooms,and
I had been looking forward to the experience for some
time. I had previously used acid, ecstasy, san pedro
(mesc), and what was supposed to be ayahuasca (it
only induced vomiting and a queer heaviness) on quite
a few occasions. I thought I was ready for anything and
asked for a heavy dosage stating that I wanted to go
where no man had gone before! Famous last words....
I'm sorry to say I don't know what mushroom it was
that my friend gave me, but I did notice that it I was
taking about 3 times as much as my friend did (two of
us tripped, both for the first time on shroom (he for the
first time on anything hallucinogenic) and a third very
experienced friend was there to basically be there and
help with the setting.
The onset was very rapid - maybe 15 minutes before I
started to get very cool visuals when I closed my eyes-
basically colors that seemed to move according to what
I was hearing or thinking. I mentioned that I was
feeling something and J (he who was just there) put on
a movie to watch (this was around 11 pm at night in a
small but comfy apartment in a large city). The movie
was one in which there is no dialogue or plot, merely
amazing images with music. Apparently there are four
in a series with different themes, this one had a middle
eastern theme. At first it was amazing to watch, but
over time it became overwhelming and I wanted to
simply enjoy what was competing for my attention in my
head. Also, I started to realize that I wanted other
things, like to move around and also to receive a
massage (not sexual feelings simply for connection)
but I didn't ask as the other two seemed to be enjoying
the movie too much and I was deep inside myself and
going deeper. So, I moved behind the couch on which
we had all been sitting and lay down on the floor and
tried to both experience and analyze the experience at
the same time. Soon I was curled up on the floor
getting more and more disconnected from myself.
Words seemed to have a physicality rather than
meaning and I was finding it hard to think. I could still
hear and understand the other two who occasionally
checked on me, but my own thoughts were out of
control and not always understandable. At this stage I
remember becoming very aware of my breathing; it felt
as though I had to remember to breathe or I would
simply stop and die. This led to me thinking of death
and what my death would mean to those who knew me
- not fun nor particularly enlightening. I tried a few
times to go back to the movie, but I would simply stand
and watch an image or two, mumble wow a few times,
get a few words into some sort of statement and then
go back to the ground frustrated in my inability to
express either my experience or growing
apprehension.
Also, I could feel an incredibly strong energy that I
could sometimes control which would move from my
hands to my legs to my feet to my head and so on. I
found I could turn it into a sexual energy (at which point
I dearly wished one of my trip companions were an
attractive female discovering the same thing
simultaneously) that was almost overwhelming but
then moved on to another form of energy. This energy
was with me for a while and then seemed to go, but I
think it was actually with me the whole trip, but my
attention went elsewhere. I experienced a very similar
extreme and occasionally sexual energy with
mescaline.
Next, I had gotten to the point where I could not
remember who I was, who my family members were,
or what words like tomorrow, yesterday, light, or dark
really meant. I knew the words and I could define them,
but understanding was a different thing entirely. I
started to be afraid that I would not ever return to my
normal self. I remember one moment in the movie that
did turn my thoughts away from this unpleasantness,
and that was a Japanese man moving through a
crowd. He would only take a step when a bell sounded
and he did not move except for these steps. His "time"
and that of the surrounding crowd were two different
things. I started making spluttery noises by blowing air
out through my loosely shut lips. I did this because I
enjoyed both the sensation and the knowledge that I
could at least control myself enough to do this. I then
moved to trying to think of words that would remind me
of my past (looking for a path back to me) and I started
repeating silly rhymes to myself, some of which came
from my childhood, like Dr. Suess. Time and space
had become solid and three dimensional. J needed to
wake up early the next morning and work so he had
gone to bed. I went in to his room and lay on the other
side of the bed and kept him up with questions where
the answers somehow reassured me that there was a
way back. I did finally realize that the only way to truly
feel comfortable was to relax completely with my eyes
shut and stop trying to hold onto myself and simply go
with whereever it wanted to take me. I remember an
almost religious feeling of nonbeing as a self and yet
existing as everything. Soon thereafter I was coming in
and out of a space where I could comprehend time and
myself again and where time seemed to be moving
normally again. I was going back and forth between
the other world and my own familiar one. This brought
comfort and the rest of the trip was a gradual descent
into the confines of my self. I got laughed at a bit for my
foolish pronouncement that I wanted to go where no
man had gone before.
I end by saying that Mescaline had been much more
intense and gratifying than anything on acid, however
shrooms were far more intense even than the mesc
though not, this time at least, as enjoyable. The end
(for now....)
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