3.5g PE "We are ALWAYS"

I have done shrooms 6 times in my life, With golden teachers. I progressively went from 0.5g, 1g, 2g, 3g, 4g, 5g. I must say the 4g was the happiest day of my entire life. I would relive this life over and over again, just so I could relive 08/13/20 (pandemics, hard times). And the last experience was 09/19/21 with 5g. Was a very difficult trip but was LIFE CHANGING. I was insanely depressed when I took those 5g, all my feelings were trapped away, and we're released all at once. After that trip I decided 1 had a lot to work on my life, and I wouldn't come back to wacky land until i feel the need. Shrooms are tools for me, not recreational. (Obs: all the six times, I was alone),. 

Well, fast forward to 2025. 3+ years later. I am in a bad place again. My ego took over me, and I am feeling unable to express emotions or to fully develop an entire though without lose my attention or to develop them further. I am trapped on my own mind.

On the other post (reddit), there were others asking me which app I used to block the social media and calls leaving only Spotify online. I use Android, the app is called "netGuard". Enjoy.

Since I live in a tropical area, here we have delicious fruits, so I did what I always do to consume shrooms. A juice. (Since I was fasting, I always put some oat and ice on the juice too. Helps a lot with stomach discomfort. Before that, I also I cleaned the entire house, took a bath, wore clean clothes, left food prepared, wrote papers on my wall with messages "Let it go" and "everything is going to be okay", and a playlist ready to go.

This time I decided to wear my Smart watch, it was really helpful to control the music around the house and ground myself about the time and my health. I knew I wouldn't keep it for long, I can't explain, but every time I do shrooms, I am despised by technology. When I am connected to life, technology seems just wrong. While I took the juice, I was really humble and cried a bit "please, whatever happens, just don't hurt me"

•30 min after taking the juice:

I was laying on my bed, and felt really weak although I exercise myself every day. Lots of yawning. The stripes on my bedsheet started to get funny. 

• 1 hour

I live in a tropical area, really close to the ocean. I decided to get up from the bed, and when I reached my balcony, omg I thought "look this freaking view, how beautiful it is. It's a gorgeous sunny day". I kinda freaked. Often when I use any drug (except weed) I really lite to walk around, help's me thinking.(I was still wearing the watch) So every time I reached an area of my house where the music wouldn't follow, I would use the watch speakers. (First time I found it useful). It was all fun and games, I laughed, jumped, I even did a little workout. It's really nice to have a healthy body. I was grateful for that. I also sang the music out loud, it was nice to hear my voice singing.

Everything was very familiar. I knew that place in my head, I've been there. 

•1:30 hour

I decided to lay in my bed again. And got rid of my watch. Music was still playing around the house, I just wouldn't be in control anymore. From here, everything gets wild. Colors were very saturated. When I looked my white wall, I started to see intense visuals. I knew I was crossing the line to wacky land. I saw the veil of reality melting before my eyes. It was GORGEOUS. I could see waves of what I can only describe as energy flowing around. It was like aura. Everything started to have auras. Don't know. Funny thing, I wasn't afraid at all. It felt like home. To this point another voice in my head appeared. I don't know if it's the subconscious mind coming to surface, god, the shrooms, or whatever. I just know it's a powerful being.  

From here I got up again, and I felt the battle was about to start. I knew the shrooms were coming to my ego and it as always, by its nature would try to resist. 

•Hour 2

I started walking around again, but this time I was stumbling around the house, throwing myself against walls. And the voice was always saying something, I remember it saying something life "I know you're there, you can't hide" "I just wanna talk", "where are you?". It's really awkward having 2 voices at once, but them can't seem to talk between. I could see my ego as a really small dot hiding somewhere. And the voice kept saying "I can see you did a great job here, but there no place to hide, we are going to talk". It was like a Quantum computer going through a maze trying to find my ego. 

Like MacKenna said, the problem lies in taking to little. Bc when you take too little, you, somehow can still resist and thing can go wrong. That's why I took 3.5g. (I had 5g but I was afraid of the new strain)

I went to the bathroom several times. I drank lots of sips of water. I like to be hidrated. Its kinda impressive how many insights comes on the toilet lol.

Then I brought the battle to the bed again. I cried, I thought about my family, my mother in particular. The word "sin" came to mind. It's a sin that my mother doesn't love me, she doesn't call me, she doesn't mind if I live or die, she's so narcissist, she's only satisfied when I do the things she want me to. "She is a sinner" the voice said. "It's a sin, how she doesn't recognize the son she has. She rejects her own creation". How could she do what she did to me. I don't feel loved. I feel rejected, disposable. I have hard times trusting ppl bc in the back of my mind, they will leave when I don't give them what they want. 

Anyway... This was very intense and I was peaking. I am bilingual, from here, I started thinking with both of the languages at once.

I realized I can't do much about my mother. I guess I am scared for life. 

I thought about my boyfriend. We've been together for almost 10 months, and we never said "I love you" to each other. I guess I have hard times to love someone bc of my mother. 

I confronted the feeling that I have for him, and it's genuine. I love him. I needed to be sure. We are going to travel in 2 weeks and I intend to declare. 

Moving on, I thought about my best friends in the world, and how 2 of them ruined a last long friendship of 11 years in January. I am still friends to them, but I need to make peace with the fact that our gang is broken forever. It was a really ugly fight. While tripping the world "ugly" hit hard, just like "sinner". I cried. 

•2:30 hours

I thought Abt my dad and sisters too, but I dodged. I wasn't ready for them. I needed to comeback to my inner self. While I was having those insights, the voice was humbling me in so many ways trying to dissolve my ego. I can't explain, but he was found. And the voice was saying "look, you speak 2 languages, consider yourself lucky, bc I am speaking languages you can understand. I am being patient with you, I am trying to make peace with all of this mess, but you're not helping, you're stil trying to resist." 

Well, I guess it lost it's patience. Bc at some point still in bed the shrooms rose above. They spoke it's language. Eternity. 

"I am all. We are all, we are ALWAYS"

My ego was dead. 

I met eternity, I became one with the shrooms. And all of sudden, the experience shifted. I felt powerful. 

Dismiss bad feelings became easier. I wasn't trapped anymore. And then, I got up again. I looked what I was wearing and thought "this is wrong". I work with tailoring and I am also an embroidery artist. I have BEAUTIFUL and Unique clothes I made to myself. I proceeded to open my wardrobe, and first took my velvet kimono with a beautiful Fenix hand embroidered on the back. "This is the right outfit for this day" the voice said. "It's beautiful, it's comfortable and represents what you are. The Fenix". I felt amazing. 

I didn't stopped there, I started to take out everything off my wardrobe, and saw every piece I made to myself along those years. I scattered them across the house. I really do have beautiful clothes. My home became a museum with all those pieces of art. "You did all of this, and learned all by yourself, congratulations" the voice said. I was happy.

While I was digging my wardrobe, I found my lab coat (I am also a doctor) but I reject this part of me for personal reasons. While I was celebrating all of my creations, I looked at it and said "you know what, you're also part of me, and I cannot dispose of you. You are coming to the museum exhibition too".

I proceed to wear all of them, one by one, and feeling all the effort I put on making them. It's a Shame they were so hidden. They are my biggest fisical treasure.

For last, I took my latest creation, a linen T-shirt full embroidered by hand. (Took me 130+ hours to complete) And I sat on the ground. Instead of wearing, I hugged it happy. Then the voice said "now, you gotta let it go. Although all the effort, all of this are just things". And I put it down. 

Finally, I looked the house "I guess it's time to get over the fact I am moving on. I don't know where I am going to live next, but I am grateful for living here for the last year". It's a beautiful house, Ill forever cherish the time I had here. "Be not afraid, a new chapter is coming".

•Hour 3.5

I decided to take another shower. I love taking showers when coming down. Water washing away all the hard times. It's amazing. After I tried to eat a little, very little. And started gathering my stuff back. The museum was closed. Then I started feeling really tired, I still am. I laid down, and took a bit of rest. Turned off the music, then I realized my mind was producing its own music. That was very cool. 

I had many more insights about life, and I have a lot to work now. For the first time, I don't feel my depression cured. I really don't. I am better? Probably. But that's it for this trip. 

I got what I needed. And I am satisfied. My life is overall good and I cherish life. I do what I love for living. I shouldn't fear the future. 

Until next, Thanks for reading.