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Second ever trip was a lot more intense than I had expected

2.5g of Blue Meanies

For my second ever trip I took roughly 2.5g of dried blue meanies mushrooms. I had taken about 1g 5 days beforehand to get a rough idea of what I expected and to feel a little more prepared. That trip was beautiful and I had an incredible time so I had a good feeling about turning the intensity up. I took them in a park with my one friend at 3pm while my other friend took some edibles and by 4pm the visual hallucinations began to slowly creep in and nausea made itself very apparent. Our little group of three then headed over to D's house as my nausea was continuously getting worse and worse, plus J wanted a place to sit down and chill out for a bit.

For the first hour or two I had the time of my life. Everything was hilarious and my face turned crazy red, followed by me calling my friend, R, to come over and join us (though he personally has no interest in trying shrooms) to which he agrees. I eventually just laid on D's couch to listening to music which was very peaceful. I felt as though I was one with the music and could both see and feel the music. But at 5-6pm, J had puked and gone home. While I don't remember actually seeing her puke, that was the point during my trip where I had a complete 180. All of a sudden I was terrified of puking for about an hour. (always have been and I guess knowing that she puked made my stress get exponentially worse).

During this hour I began to hallucinate conversations between D and R. Specifically, D said "I'm going to the bathroom but I'm gonna leave the door open," to which R responds with "Alright." I then pipe up and say "Why would you leave the door open?" D responds, "I'm not gonna leave the door open what are you talking about?" as R looks at me with an odd look on his face. This is when I started becoming scared of being sent into a psychosis. This fear continued on for about an hour and it pushed me into a state where I was EXTREMELY paranoid. All I can remember from this is that I was second guessing EVERYTHING. I believed that everything was a test. I thought that if I didn't beat these tests then I'd be sent into a permanent state of psychosis or at least be left with a deep pit of depression that I'd end up numbing with drugs, later leading to addiction and losing everything I've ever had.

I remember asking R for some water and once he handed it to me I thought out loud, "Do I want this water?" I truly believed that my decision to drink or not drink this water was life or death. At some point R led me upstairs and I kept stopping as I walked up thinking, "Am I hallucinating him? Is he some devil on my shoulder trying to get me to ruin my life? If I let him make decisions for me will I ever be able to decide something for myself ever again?" Eventually, most of those extreme fears subsided for a bit and I stared at the carpet imaging it was a city that I was flying over.

Fast forward an unknown amount of time and we're now upstairs, I'm on the couch. To give some context to the next bit of this trip, I want to mention that earlier in the day I had watched a couple episodes of House (doctor show) and a recent Mr. Beast video. D and R were watching Seinfeld and all of a sudden the entirety of the show starts to turn into House. I mean I'm seeing the House cast, setting, storyline, literally everything quickly morphs into House. But it's like it's fading in and out. For a minute it's House and then a minute later it's back to Seinfeld. As this is happening I'm starting to freak the fuck out, thinking that I've put myself into psychosis. I begin to lose my understanding of time.

I close my eyes and all I can see is the inner workings of time, myself, nature, life itself. I try to hold onto reality as I think about recent conversations I've had with my mom and brother, but now every memory I have with them feels fake/manufactured. I start to wonder if they ever existed in the first place or if they were always in my mind. I think about that Mr. Beast video I had watched earlier and my thoughts are flooded with the idea that none of these people are real and that they don't exist. I don't know how to properly explain it, but I felt as though I started to see an office building where each floor is a different manufactured reality. I somehow can see that things such as family, friends, House, and Mr. Beast are all just on a single floor of this office building. This office building easily has at least another 20 floors of alternate realities where these people and concepts I'm familiar with don't exist.

I continuously tried to think of conversations I've had with other people to try and hold onto my sense of reality but I can't get a proper grip on it so I'm stuck in this awkward spot where I'm certain that my reality exists but I couldn't find any present proof that it really exists. Like all I was doing was hanging onto these memories as proof that I'm not going crazy. Fast forward another hour or two and R and I are in the backyard for some reason. R is sat in a chair and I'm pacing around the patio. I can't explain it, but the steps to walk off the patio and into the grass felt like some kind of portal. I have no way to compare the feeling, but I thought that if I walked down the three steps into the grass it would either be the best or worst decision of my life. It felt like the best parts of me; warm, kind, loving, and honest, yet my paranoia was telling me that it was a trick and that I shouldn't walk down the steps.

As far as I remember, I was too scared to actually go all the way down the steps, but I did sit on the top step and stared at the grass for quite a while. Once that feeling started to pass, for some reason I believed that R was a complete hallucination. It was similar to when he handed me the water bottle or when he guided me upstairs: I thought he was the devil on my shoulder trying to ruin me. While on that patio I fought back against my mind and tried to get rid of him, but that didn't work (unsurprisingly enough, it didn't work because he was most definitely real). I then thought that maybe getting rid of him was too big of a feat, so I instead tried to transform him into the most attractive person I could make in my head. My thinking was, if I'm gonna be stuck here with my mind's devil then they may as well be as attractive as humanly possible.

That did not work. After 30 minutes we go back inside and into the basement. I don't feel any effects of the trip at this point, though I'm still in my head thinking about whether or not I'm hallucinating everything or not. I'm now unsure on whether or not D and R are real or not. I'm unsure on whether I've put myself into psychosis. I'm unsure about everything. But I go along with it. The three of us hangout for another hour and then I walk home. I went to bed much earlier than usual. It's currently the summer and I tend to be asleep by 3-4am, yet that night I was asleep by 10 or 11pm as I just wanted the next day to start so that everything could feel real again. And it did feel real again. I didn't mess myself up as I had feared; that alone was very relieving.

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