The othe side of Paradise

Yesterday I tripped for the second time. Reached the other side of paradise and found utter hell. Opposite of the first trip about a week ago (  https://www.shroomery.org/15123/First-Time ). I took more this time and tried to lemon tek. This time at 10 pm. Didn’t sleep that night. Just blended like 5-7 fresh-grown mushrooms (Golden T’s) with copious amounts of lemon juice and washed it down with some water which tasted horrible as you could imagine. I was expecting it to be more intense than the first but it still took me by surprise and hit me almost immediately. The first couple of hours or so were pleasant and I tried to keep my eyes closed but remember looking at my hand and seeing all the lines moving and other images seemed distorted and almost misty. It was hard to focus on details because they were changing. That part is still a blur to me. Some things looked completely different as I could not make out what I was looking at on my computer's YouTube animation. I then felt almost like I was being guided outside against my will wanting to connect with something greater. I started walking around the park but there was a group of people and I wanted to be alone so went in my car to lie in the back. I wasn't having as discernible insights as the first time, tho the feelings of revelation were more intense. When a thought was almost in conclusion, I could not finish nor remember it. I remember just laughing some and feeling almost a constant soundtrack of music playing in my head in the background that I never heard but sounded good and I wanted to somehow record it but dont even play any instruments. Random note, but I also remember feeling quite horny. I then tried to be more reverent of the experience and remember becoming aware of what I would call the collective unconscious mind that we share and felt my roommate and everyone could see me (was aware of) and I could see them which was kinda scary but I was still in a good mood.

 I went back inside and laid back in bed. I wanted to be able to come out of the trip with something I could write and takeaway so tried meditating but was overcome with the aforementioned “collective unconscious” feeling which made me uncomfortable and annoyed with myself and my roommate like I could see our and humanities discordance more clearly and it led to a very dark place. Eventually, at some point, I found myself in absolute hell as all I could say to describe it. My eyes were closed mostly with lights off but I remember feeling that existence was nothing but death and pain. A stark contrast from my first level 2 trip. It started as self-hatred then I remember finding myself in a courtroom being condemned and I was just spewing profanities and expressing my hatred of life itself. Saying things like “THERE IS NO PUNISHMENT YOU CAN CONDEMN ME TO MORE CRULE THAN LIFE ITSELF AND THE PAIN OF IT!”, begging for death I would also say something like, GIVE ME ANY GRACE AND MERCY I WILL SHIT ON IT AND I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU! ALL I FEEL IN LIFE IS PAIN. I JUST WANT THE PAIN TO END IF YOU DONT END IT NOW I WILL MAKE THIS PAIN YOURS! type shit. And I wholeheartedly felt that way. It was like I was a different person. or possessed. Looking back I find that really interesting because I think I can now understand how some people commit such heinous acts because I think saw the most primitive level of our consciousness and its dark capacity to devour everything. We all have that in us. It drives us to fight for life. When the compacity to fight is over, pure chaos ensues. In the moment, I just felt that pain and death were what gave life meaning and because of that, life itself was a terrible corrupt thing. There would be no death if there was no life and because there is life there is pain and that pain was all I could see and I just wanted death. I wanted to find the truth but what I found I couldn't handle. It was frightening, especially looking back because I actually wanted to die at the moment and hated everything good. I remember choking myself and not even feeling the pain because of the overarching pain of existence was stronger and I feared what could have happened if I had a gun or something in the house because I was thinking of potential ways to end it. Some of my anger turned outward and I felt like my roommate was trying to suppress me through the collective unconscious and I ended up in the bathtub without clothes trying to bust a nut because I thought it would relieve me of some of the pain. I felt physically sick I think mostly just from all the negative energy that I can't even express. I just felt pain and hate emanating from me and I embraced it because I saw no way out. I felt an underlying consciousness or entity without body but whose view of life was the same as what I was currently feeling and whose only intention was to inflict pain on me and humanity and scarily at one point, I shared that goal in my seemingly endless misery I thought I would choose life and “goodness” at each opportunity just to then fuck it in the ass and corrupt it and myself until I killed all goodness and myself with it, releasing me from the pain of existence. When I finally busted my nut, It actually helped. I was mostly over the negativity. 

Looking back trying to find meaning –and what I learned is a bit more difficult to say than the first trip but– in some profound way, I found greater truth. If I had to say… I learned the hard fact that death gives meaning to life. two sides of the same coin. I saw the beauty in death on the first trip and with this, all of its horrors. The two aspects of final judgment in a way. We should be mindful of the imperfect nature of life in that we are all dead in spirit. We should recognize there will come a time when we will die not only physically but also at times in life we will have to either voluntarily give up ourselves and what we think is good to be killed by the evil and in so doing end it as well or our own identity will die with us and it will be stripped from us which I think is what I experienced. There are bounds and limits to our spiritual compacity. Trying to impose our order of love on chaos will only result in our own death. There is a balance we must learn. And on a more positive note, tho we can choose to see life as a continual death and corruption of good into pain, we can choose to see the other perspective of hope in spite of the fact that in life we must knowingly face death and pain, because by so doing we find a more wholistic embodiment of spirit and sacrifice until we comprehend all things and that light transforms us. It is also nice to know that existing in a state of hatred and pain is not sustainable in that it seeks to end life and itself so it has less power than life tho it seems stronger in the moment. Another thing to note is that pain is already part of us. In experiencing it, it goes. The horrors I saw were only horrifying because I was astonished at my own depravity and the capacity for evil that was in me. I learned that even if something appears good, the imbalance can result in incomprehensible horrors. A possible solution would be to have what I suggested in my previous trip which is to have the principal act in tandem with that resulting evil of the cultural enactment of it because that is the outer bounds of its reach. I also felt that because we dont have the cultural capacity to maintain our principles, we should voluntarily go to different cultures to support them and learn from them which is a beautiful thing because we not only support each other but their laws are also different so we can gain new experiences that would also not be possible without condemning ourselves by our own cultural oversights. 

 random thouthg I had-I kinda feel like now I want to go to North Korea and become a citizen perhaps. My reasoning is what I just said but also because while I tripped I saw the different regions of the world and how their cultures came about and their purpose in time. North Korea is almost living "the law of consecration" in that they largely worship the same God and so can incorporate principals more wholistically but have a hard time embodying the spirit of love in a more detailed/liberal way. (It is too condensed so it cant include more particular individuals) which I feel I can offer a solution to because I share the same spirit of mutual benefactors and could genuinely keep their laws of giving everything to the collective population but not as a law of mutual gain but just because of the love of the individual even if some within take advantage, which I believe through that voluntary sacrifice, they can learn to keep that “law of consecration” not by law but by love, which would set a prototype for a way forward for American culture. Maybe some others will come with me from America to show them. Here in America, we have about reached the end of our rope when it comes to the spirit of contention (what we have mostly been following). Which I mentioned on my last trip is not a bad thing but in the end, we must either die or give up that life to sustain another that can live on through your truth and I think I can do that in North Korea. I lived in South Korea for a couple of years. I hope the language is similar enough. I would obviously have to prepare myself first and be sure of the decision but it seems oddly possible. 

I am still recovering from the darkness I encountered and still trying to fill the void of darkness and emptiness that is in me that I felt but am still drawing lessons from it and it added to my will to live in the end. Would experience it again just because I see I was naive before and a blind life of sunshine and rainbows is not worth living either. Sadness and pain really do give meaning to life. It felt good in a way. But if anyone has had similar experiences or advice on recovery, do share. I appreciate any feedback.