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First time (supposedly) 3.5 g Psilocybe Azurescens

I'm a fucking idiot

I tried shrooms for the first time as a college freshman living in a dorm. I had one real psychedelic experience with acid before, and basically led myself to believe that I was invincible and no amount of mind altering drugs could affect me and how I truly perceive reality. I spent years researching into acid just to try 1 tab, and when I did shrooms, I broke all the rules and just went for it. For context, I was told that it was 3.5 g of Psilocybe Azurescens, and it was a pretty sweet deal since I was low on cash but my dealer said I can have the extra anyways. Someone on r/shrooms told me that there's no way it could've been that strain, but I guess that doesn't really matter now that the trip is over. They looked like tiny light airy mushrooms, so I just downed the whole bag. It didn't taste bad, just bit of an earthy taste.

Here's where the fuckups start. I took it all in my dorm without a trip sitter for the first time and decided to play a little game. I would go to the dining hall and try to finish all my food and homework before the walls started melting. Well, I made it to a packed dining hall and suddenly felt my stomach drop. I was getting anxious. Colors looked bright and vibrant, kind of like how when you just increase saturation. Something was definitely wrong, I didn't expect it to kick in this fast. I had eaten them on an empty stomach. It got to the point where I considered just leaving the dining hall because I was getting so paranoid and anxious. So I did.

I stumbled my way to my residence hall and made my way to the elevator lobby. The elevator doors opened and I got in. Then got out. I couldn't bear the thought of me being in an elevator. I went up the stairs instead, and it just felt like this endless flight of stairs since I lived on the 7th floor. When I got to my room, that's when I started having doubts and I was only ~40 min in. I did not want to do this. I immediately started regretting my decision. I would spend the next few hours just fighting it.

The next few paragraphs is just the description of the trip that I copied and pasted from when I originally wrote it, but slightly changed so that the events lined up more accurately.

I got in my room and lied down. I tried to sleep it off. Instead I entered another fucking dimension. I opened my eyes and the entire room was covered in patterns and eyes staring at me. I saw faces which then mocked me. If I closed my eyes again I saw colorful creatures with sharp teeth. I did not want to be near them. I knew it was not real.

What was worse was the realization that I still had to turn in my homework before midnight! I dosed at 7pm. I tried calling my class partner to turn it in for me. He was a close friend of mine and realized what was going on. I couldn't even articulate what I wanted and the thought of me not turning in the assignment grew into a state of absolute terror. Holy shit I cannot describe the feeling. I heard sounds of children playing and people laughing. It was loud. I just wanted the auditory hallucinations to stop. I decided to forget about the damn assignment and go back to bed.

One significant moment I remember very clearly was that when I lied down, it felt like someone had grabbed my head and started pulling my neck back. I could not move my head. My jaw opened and it felt like I was leaving my body or something. Around this time I also remember a very loud and clear ringing in my ear. I'm curious if anyone had a similar experience.

It was like anything in my mind was amplified to the point that I could hear it in real life. I heard 2 chants in my head which went something like this: "Follow the system, follow the code" and "Is anyone real, is anything real, does anyone know?!". I think this had something to do with me not finishing my homework.

I tried to relax, but I soon realized that I had to go the bathroom. I tried going there, and at this point I had nearly peaked (or did peak. I don't really know at this point). And I was in a dorm with public bathrooms. Great combination. I went outside my room and tried walking to the bathroom. Someone came out of their room and I swear to god I saw that happen twice. At this point I was literally seeing things that were not there. I tried taking a piss and washing my hands but it was difficult considering that my entire field of view was covered in patterns and faces watching me.

I don't remember exactly when, but I honestly felt like I had died. I figured at some point in my trip that I was stuck in some weird hell/purgatory (I'm an atheist, and still am) and the only way to escape was if I jumped out of my window. Something held me back though. I can't describe what it was, but a large part of me just told me to stay the fuck in my bed. That's honestly one of the scariest parts of the trip in hindsight. I also went through my phone and my entire life was like some vague collection of memories. I had led myself to believe that me going to dinner was just a hallucination and I honestly could not differentiate what part of my life memories were real or if they were all hallucinations. After that, it's all sort of vague.

But one very significant moment was when I was coming down. Or maybe I had peaked then. I don't know, but I don't remember any visuals during this time. But I forgot who I was. It was such a bizarre feeling. I could not remember a single thing that happened in my life. I grew scared. What was I doing here? Who am I? The thought of an exam and homework was in my head but I couldn't even pinpoint what those were. I can move around and walk but couldn't remember a single thing. I kept pacing back and forth throughout the room, trying to make sense of my surroundings. I couldn't. It was a weird trance like state of confusion but I guess a part of me sorta also knew everything. But it's like I couldn't "connect" to that part of myself. I got worried that it may have been days or years and I was in some mental hospital.

Next thing I remember I'm in a shower, and that's when things start coming back. I don't remember how I got there, but I'm there. I don't know what date it is. I don't know who I am. I go back to my room and my roommate enters. I'm just going through the motions and try to say what's normal, it comes out. But I don't know why I said those things. My roommate tells me that its been hours and I need to put my clothes on. I felt the largest sigh of relief. It hadn't had been years. I didn't miss my entire first year of college. It been exactly 8 hours. It takes a solid 30 min before things start coming back to me.

Well, that's my story. The takeaways are pretty obvious, and I hope my experience allows new timers to make more informed decisions about their environment, always to have a trip sitter, and please don't treat this like some fucking joke. I learned it the hard way that it's not. This whole experience has soured my taste towards psychedelics and I don't plan on doing this again. I'm glad I got it over with though. I still feel kind of uncomfortable how I was so susceptible into believing shit like I had died or forgot who I was.

It's like my entire identity was gone and I let go of all my life experiences, even that's all we really have to claim as our own. I guess I'm not as rational as I thought and my views about the world aren't as concrete as I was led to believe. And that's honestly the most unsettling aspect about this experience, even as I type this out. But no matter how much psychedelics fucks you up, I guess I can still say that it's not going to change me fundamentally as a person. Even through that horror shitshow, I still am who I am. And that makes me feel better. But I'm not putting that to the test again.

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