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6.2g Golden Teacher
Resistance is Futile
First allow me to express my gratitude to everyone who has contributed their experience to this site over the years. You all acted as guides for me on this first trip. I read and studied and gave much consideration to what you all have written here, and it was instrumental in helping me have a successful outcome. I'm no expert, but even after one trip I can see how a noob can get in way over their head.
I cleared my home and made certain that I would have no visitors. I also arranged to have a safe person be my sitter. He was the perfect choice, knowledgeable and experienced, able to respond calmly if things were to go sideways. He wisely stayed quiet and in the background until asked to respond.
It was morning and I had fasted 15 hours. I prepared a cup of lemon balm tea and had anti-nausea pills available should I need them. There was no hint of nausea throughout the experience. On the contrary, unlike so many others I've read about, I think the shrooms are delicious. I discussed with my sitter my motivations for doing this, verified that I had no reservations, and also discussed how I had arrived at 6.2g as the correct dose. He asked what I hoped to accomplish, and I said I was entering into the experience with no expectations, that I would allow the river to take me where it would.I had taken the advice of others and tried smaller doses to gauge my resistance, reaction and recovery time. 6.2 turned out to be just right. I was aiming for level 4 minimum. Anything less I would have considered to be recreational.
I have been suffering from fairly intense anxiety this year and have thrown everything I know at it: prayer, exercise, meditation, cognitive behavioral therapy, medication, breathing exercises, and more, with limited success. I've been familiar for several years with the clinical trials being conducted with psilocybin, and have been intrigued. However, I stayed clear of shrooms because I am a recovering alcoholic, over ten years sober, and I wasn't sure my motives were entirely pure. Well, as the saying goes, people only change when the pain of not changing becomes greater than the pain of changing. Anxiety was winning, and I made the decision to do this. I informed my wife and my therapist of my desire to try this, and to my surprise, both were supportive.
9:28 a.m. Took the entire six grams. Chewed and swallowed. Chased with a sip of water.
10:00 a.m. First effects. A weakening in the arms and legs, almost like an adrenal fear response, but without the fear.
10:45 a.m. Here goes. The visual effects came on. A comical sense of hilarity seemed to be attached to everything. I was still clear-headed and aware of everything, but I decided to allow myself to enjoy the pleasant side effects. I crawled into the corner of our large sofa and covered my head and body with a heavy blanket, shutting out light and other stimuli.
From here there was no sense of time. Numbers on a clock would have been meaningless. Several times I attempted to describe to my sitter what was happening, but I could not. I was not part of his world any more. I made the choice to enter through a very real passage (door/not door). Everything in existence became both "is" and "is not." I was in my home and I was not. I was "me" and I was simultaneously "Not me." There was a melding of big and small, fear and peace. I laughed, because I had never understood this before.
Then the moment came. I was in the presence of a power so great that it terrified me. At the same time, I knew I had to stay in its presence. It was here for a reason. This was undoubtedly something I needed to learn. The Power was physically huge, perhaps on a planetary scale if we want to attribute size. Its mere presence pushed on my soul with tremendous weight. The Power was so great and so close to me, it was nearly indistinguishable from an infinite, solid wall. I had never experienced true awe until then. Ad it was revealed that this Power was not malevolent, not benevolent, but it was not to be trifled with; it was not to be used for anyone's amusement, and it would not allow me to describe it. It would crush any attempt to thwart it. I attempted to say something once, but a feeling of respect and reverence fell over me and silenced me. Words would not form. And it was revealed to me that this Power, though it was not to be controlled by me, was, in fact, me. I remained calm, but it occurred to me that had I tried to flee or avoid the crushing emotional and mental weight of this power, it would not have gone well for me. Remembering the advice of others on this site, I decided to allow any and all things to happen with no resistance from me.
The Power was me, and yet its unyielding force was so tremendous, it demanded my fear and respect.
When I made my decision to allow myself to be led, my spirit calmed. I was still taken to sit with deep fear and mind-blowing pleasure (every inch of my body writhing in joy. I experienced strength and confidence, and then the frailty of a dried-up mummy. This took me and pushed me to every limit my mind and heart could find. My world shrank until it was only me under the blanket. Time disappeared. I stepped in and out of the door/not door at will. Apparently bathroom breaks were authorized by the Power. I almost forgot - this power was serious, but was also hilarious. Though it defied my attempts to describe it, it was fine with my laughing with it and at it.
There was more. The ceiling fan was my link to reality; we had quite a relationship going on. My bowl of trail mix touched a primitive and intense pleasure center in me. Interesting visuals and sensations were fun bonuses. Soaring highs and dark, sickly lows.
I've yet to discern the main point. Will this touch my anxiety? I plan to ride the river and see where it takes me. I will not attempt to use or control the power; it would never allow that. But I will attempt to be in its presence from time to time, to recognize it and draw from it. I left the experience feeling both invincible and humbled.
NOTE TO NOOBS: I FIRMLY BELIEVE THIS TRIP COULD HAVE GONE HAYWIRE WITHOUT THE RIGHT SET AND SETTING. I ALSO BELIEVE THAT IF I EVER DECIDE TO DO THIS AGAIN, IT IS VERY LIKELY THAT IT WILL ALWAYS BE A GOOD EXPERIENCE, EVEN THOUGH IT CAN BE HARROWING. IGNORE THE ADVICE GIVEN HERE AT YOUR OWN RISK. I SUGGEST YOU READ, DEVOUR AS MUCH KNOWLEDGE AS YOU CAN BEFORE MAKING THE DECISION TO EMBARK ON THE JOURNEY. SOME PERSONALITIES WOULD NOT DO WELL WITH THIS EXPERIENCE. THIS IS ONLY MY OPINION. I AM A ONE-TRIP WONDER, SO TAKE IT FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH. BON VOYAGE!
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