Since I had a shroom trip before (https://www.shroomery.org/13678/First-Shroom-Trip-Ever) in which I often had the feeling of rather being alone and thinking - not talking to my GF, I did it 2 weeks after my first shroom trip.
I had a really high dose MDMA trip 2 days prior. Took some 5-HTP every day.
I ate lunch at work @11:45 and a blueberry muffin @ 16:25
Took 5 caps with 0.43g cracker dry P. cubensis for a (2.15g total) each @16:40 (T 0:00) and wanted to take up to three more and vape bud down the road.
Then went home with my bicycle from work, and was searching for good spots to chill out outside during my way back.
Arrived at home at T 0:20 and took a few things with me as fruits, water, vaporizer, etc. in a backpack. Was constantly listening to all kinds of music over my headphones.
T 0:30 Took a pill of 0.2g AVB(cannabis) in coconutoil. They are not too strong. They will generate some relaxed buzz over a duration of about 5h.
Went out at around T 0:35 and ventured into the woods, and found a place where nobody is, and nobody is probably going to be.
At T 1:00 still didn't have the feeling to feel anything. Vaped some bud.
Effects started coming on, I think it was around T 1:00 or T 1:30, I was having a slightly increased appreciation of the forest but started to develop an anxiety that I would not find my way back (, which is ridiculous, considering it is about 10 min from my home and really really easy to find).
So, I took all my things and went home. On my way home time felt much longer. The way felt more like 45min than 10min.
On the way home I was followed by a bald man with a dog, and I was paranoid they would a.) know what I did and b.) hurt me.
Now it starts to really get darker:
5m in front of my door, I meet my neighbor at 2m distance. Since I have my headphones on, I just nod and smile politely and say Hi or something like that and proceed to walk really really fast towards my door, which I open and run upstairs.
This incident, which seems rather insignificant now, spirals me down a depressive mood.
"He totally must have seen my pupils"
"He now thinks I am an impolite bastard for not stopping and having a chit chat with him as usual."
"Should I text him and say, > sorry, I didn%u2019t want to be impolite, but I was busy."
And so on.
This kind of thought loop would loop a few times and then die down. This would happen over the course of the whole trip. And I still don%u2019t 100% know, if it was OK, what happened.
I know, crazy ;)
Well, what happened next is rather hard to put in words. I felt like I now imagine people with severe mental illnesses like depression must feel in there bad mental states.
This depression was overshadowing everything.
I prepared a spotify playlist called "happy" but when I was listening to it didn't help. I was feeling really alone. It was all really heavy. Living was not fun at all... It seemed to take AGES!
I wanted it to be over... But time wouldn't really move on...
There were spontaneous primal release of grunts with short time relief. (which I didn't do myself - just noticed happening)
I felt helpless (for the first time in life?!?) - there was nothing I could do to make it stop. I didn't have any benzos or so...
I was exaggerating everything I saw to the maximum bad way of seeing it.
I would see some dirt on the floor and FEEL as if I am the last homeless guy on earth and never enjoyed personal hygiene before.
I would see a cloud and think the weather is really bad.
It was as if the shrooms were highlighting something for me in my life and waited until I would see it.
Life was not making any sense any more and after I noticed this I would try everything to make me feel better but it wouldn%u2019t work.
Most notably I was switching songs back and forth to change the mood, but what were my favourite positive upbeat songs, now all were like crap.
What a metaphor: I was running around changing things in the hope it would make life better. The truth is, "new is always better" didn't work on shrooms that day. It showed me it was just an illusion:
I run around life changing things, trying new hobbies, new women, new jobs, new friends, here and there. - just to improve what already is great the way it is. - and always has been.
Now at T 2:30, I never felt so bad in my whole life. I was never so unhappy. And changing things around, putting stuff in my mouth, touching my genitals, looking at the great weather outside or at the images of the love of my life would not do anything to help me.
It sometimes seems to work in everyday life, but it is an illusion.
I afterwards realized this was a metaphor for my life and that the world (and myself) is already perfect and it had always been perfect the way it is. There is nothing I should try to change to be happier. I should accept much more than I already do, the circumstances and the world.
When I was really low, I made a list with the title:
"What do I want in life?"
- less drugs, less shrooms
- more love
- Samantha [First Name of my Girlfriend]
- being alone less
- being with people I love and who love me more
Much later I added to the list:
- finishing my Ph.D.
It felt really awesome coming back to normal. I was thinking:
Those shrooms are so relentless, so mean
They find the spot where it hurts and they beat you exactly in that spot...
The more it hurts, the more they beat in the exact spot
I was resisting a lot.
Then notice and think that I should stop resisting and giving in.
Then fucking myself up for not managing to give in propperly.
I was thinking,
should I have taken more? - So they take me and throw me all the way in?
I couldn't focus on the outside real world either, since it was really boring and shitty and dirty and fucked up. Maybe I was caught between worlds.
I was watching lots of "How I met your mother" for ages, the familiar faces and the laughter from the off kept me out of this deep and dark depressive mental state for the most part.
I was texting the people who love me: This also helped a little bit. However, I was anxious they would find out, that I was tripping. This wasn't good at that time. I wanted to call my girlfriend or my best female friend and this would totally have helped me, but the only person who knew was a male friend. And I needed a female to help me. - really, I myself don't know why exactly, but he couldn't have helped me at that time.
Well, many many perceived hours later (T 4:30), I was finally in a better head-space and managed to masturbate. It surprisingly worked and felt really good.
In retrospect it has shaken me up, gave me more respect for my mental stability and health and more respect towards substances... so it was good
After Trip Notes:
trip with loving sitter, which you know (passive)
Have safe come up, not in public
Expectations won't get you anywhere
Think about set, setting and dosage
a.) in advance
b.) shortly before trip
Because things can change. Don't push the trip.
Check interactions (two days before heavy MDMA trip)
Check supplements!? 5-HTP
Research smoking weed
Nobody knew, what I was doing
LOW LOW LOW serotonin levels due to high dose MDMA two days before.
Not giving in - resisting
Being alone with
Too low? Too high? dosage?