Epileptic and an old friend

 Just an intro, I am 26, from New England. And have had epilepsy for at least 7-8 years. It has sidetracked my life so much and turned me into a shell of myself. Nothing too serious, I know there are cases of many seizures on a daily basis. I might have 2-4 episodes in a year. But  it has still effected every aspect of my life. Some for the better (quit drinking, cigarettes, and coffee out of fear of causing a seizure and my Income was cut down to nothing for a long while) And some things for worse ( OCD seems to be getting bad and germ phobia, I also try not to interact with others out of fear of triggering an episode, something about anxiety is a trigger for me so I try to avoid it at all costs) I feel like A cold person but deep down I know I am full of love.  I understand the risk I am taking walking this fine line. But it was something I needed to do. I have Plenty of trip history And that helped me so much. I knew what to expect and handled it with just controlling my breath and not fighting anything. Its amazing how much trip reminded me of how I feel during a partial seizure, the loss of motor skills, forgetting who I am. Makes me want to get into psychology or genetics. I want to understand exactly why this happens to me. (both parents have anxiety and I pushed it way down and tried to fight it as a child. you know what they say "pressure bursts pipes"

 I Am a very get to the point, science first kind of person. Ill try and keep this brief, I know I hate reading the long drawn out reports about every detail. I think we all see and think similar thoughts during an experience.

 It started right at bedtime 7pm, I go to bed early to make sure I get my sleep, another one of my "triggers" is lack of sleep. I got my 3.7 ground up and put in a glass, some sunnyD to wash it down. I decided to put on the movie "rango" a very well animated cartoon that has a weird lizard. Had my pen and paper near by to write down any thoughts. and turned off the lights.

 I didn't make it far into the movie before an intense body buzz came over me (7:28). My first peak was at 740 and was full of fear and anxiety. Almost a full blown panic attack. I remember feeling this sensory overload that I often associate with my seizures. So I quickly got up and replaced the movie with john Denver's greatest hits. Some nice peaceful music to keep me calm.

 During this time My legs were shaking uncontrollably. I Didn't know if it was out of fear or my brain sending wild messages. This scared me but I knew I was going to have to deal with it. Focusing on my breath was the most important thing I did all night. Through the "hot flashes" and cold spells, the ups and downs. I always seemed to forget to breathe when things got very intense. But like I do in life when things get rough just breathe!

 At one point I was out of my body for sure. I remember the music, just feeling the music and his voice. Crazy tingles in my face and it felt so good. all seemed to stem from the melody and soothing songs. When my mind was gone it was very strong, but as I came down I could just relate to the songs and put meaning  behind every verse.  At its strongest it felt like my face was being pulled by a magnet. But  in retrospect  I am pretty sure it was just feeling the song/ smiling intensely.

 At 920 I started to get back down to my body again. I decided to take another bite of a cannacookie (had one bite 20 min after mushrooms too). I have always liked to have my girl maryjane with me on these journeys. seems to keep me positive on the comedown. And helps me with my seizures on a daily basis, she brings me comfort. This was the end of "sit back and watch the show" and the start of thinking about life.

 At 1030 I started to really write stuff down. I remember just wanting to make sure i remembered all the lessons i was teaching myself. Lessons i have learned before. But somehow forgot to keep them with me. Things like appreciating life, being grateful, not taking anything for granted. (One seizure years ago almost took my life, so i have an appreciation of being here that most people don't understand. very lucky to be alive, and i do take every day as a  gift, i just forget to show it. And forget to show people in my life how much i love them) Usually on the comedown i get depressed, but this time it was full of joy. I was smiling for most of the time and thinking 90% happy thoughts. But i did write down "I shouldn't do this often"

1040 So much has been running through my mind over the last10 min its unbelievable. I literally went crazy earlier and now i was putting the pieces back together. I am a cold person on the outside. Ever since my epilepsy started i lost contact with all of my friends, most of my family. And all that matters to me is 3 people in my life. they were the only ones i really thought about. And I just want them to enjoy life, and also appreciate the little things. They work so hard just to provide, And i want them to just take care of themselves first. You only live once, you have to enjoy it as much as possible. And learning new things is also important to me. Nothing i hate more than ignorance.

1052 My motor skills are back to 90%. I remember getting up to take a piss earlier was like rocket science. I don't know how people trip hard around other people. I cant move or talk when i am peaking. That is something you need to do in private (well i do). i wrote down "i cant imagine life before electricity" just amazing how technology has advanced so much. Again feeling so lucky and blesse to live in the time we do. even with this disorder that has "ruined" my life I am just so happy to be here.

1058 Yin and yang keep creeping into my mind. Finding a balance between the good and bad. worrying about yourself and others needs to be equal. heal yourself before you can heal others. I always feel a desire to help those who cant. But i need to get my shit together. which has been sidetracked for years and years now.

1111 Really starting to look back on the experience from a grounded view. Soaking it all in with a big smile on my face. "just be happy"

1126 "I've learned this all before"

1136 Looking around my room I realize my OCD has really gotten bad over the last year. I always feel the need to write stuff down and document my journey through life. I have so much stuff written down and I am a borderline hoarder. i like to keep all my stuff near me because ive had my stuff stolen from me all my life. (some one in my family is a douche bag) ....At this point i want to fall asleep, but my mind is still active. My legs are still moving around as they wish, constantly flexing and i struggle to get comfortable.

1240 still have a body buzz, but finally start to get the sniffles and sinus pressure.

120 " I want to study psychology and genetics to find out why I am like this"

210 Took a Tylenol sinus to help with the runny nose and finally fall asleep in the next 20 min.

Things I took out of this trip. warmth and comfort is very important, winter is here and being warm is why we work. just to keep the house warm and live. I need to show My love more. I cant seem to do it. Sometimes i wonder if i am slightly autistic or maybe something bad happened to me when i was young and its made me the way I am. But this experience was like a therapy session. No need to see a specialist when you can figure it out alone.

This was a good time to do it, Even with all the negatives in my life i was able to look at the good, and want to push through. I also felt surpisingly good this morning, usually i am weak and tired. I will be going back to school in the spring so i needed to make sure i have my shit lined up and my mind in order. This helped me accomplish that.

Thanks for reading if you made it through. Hope this helps some first timer understand what a strong trip can do for you. And if you are not experienced, have a sitter. who knows what you are capable of when in the "crazy" stage.

And it is eerily similar how I feel during a seizure and when i am tripping. They are more related than you think. The brain is just a computer and mine short circuts now and then.  I took a big risk last night but it was worth it. Don't know how often i will come back but this was not the last time (;