Seriously_trippin said:

I'm coming to terms a bit more about her passing, they said to expect her circulatory system to shut down and her limbs and such to turn purple She was the best gma i could ever ever ask for.This disease is horrid,we are giving her 5mg Morphine every hour,4mg of diluadid every 4 hours and hallucination medication The hospice service said were doing everything right. I hope she passes soon because she doesn't deserve to suffer like this. Ive come to terms that it will be best for her to go.She hasn't eaten solid food in over a week,she can't swallow anything including chicken broth.

The nurses and docs equate this to a comatose state. I've basically been saying my goodbyes telling her how much she means to me. I've told her before so if she didn't understand now I used to tell her fairly often. And every day that I loved her. This is causing a lot of misplaced Unreasonable anger,I feel super apathetic and broken. Just devoid of good emotions right .

Also on top of all the grieving for her, I have to worry about getting a job quick and it will be really hard because my particular area in California has the worst job employment in Cali. I've only had one job and as I said had to quit it and take care of her constantly. I have to move out to my own place soon and I want to also go to a trade school. Funds are a huge issue. It's going to be a huge change in careers unless I go into health care.

I have 100s of $ worth of medication that even with insurance costs about 50-70$ per month. I'm still addicted to opiates makes it tough getting into the workforce and I'm already not clean because 5 if my meds were replaced by medical cannabis and that disqualifies me a lot.

Those are just some things I've been able to have my parents cover as payment for taking care of nana. I would've done it even if they didn't pay me but they payed for my meds and a place in the house. Now they don't have to do any of that, they still probably will for a while but right now I'm grieving for her AND a little worried about what to do in life. Until now I have my aspirations and dreams all on hold,now I need to figure out what I want in life.

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  Thank you  Addy I feel love for sure and talking on here is a big support to me and I appreciate it. I know I need to cry and unfortunately I haven't been able to. Idk why, I just emotionally stonewalled. I developed this out of need when my dad almost died, had to put on an optimistic,strong face. Now I'm having trouble crying which I know will help. I've had a couple of times since this happened where I just haven't been able to cry so everything is still bottled up. I feel like crying right now actually.

Niffla said:

Seriously_trippin said:

I'm coming to terms a bit more about her passing, they said to expect her circulatory system to shut down and her limbs and such to turn purple She was the best gma i could ever ever ask for.This disease is horrid,we are giving her 5mg Morphine every hour,4mg of diluadid every 4 hours and hallucination medication The hospice service said were doing everything right. I hope she passes soon because she doesn't deserve to suffer like this. Ive come to terms that it will be best for her to go.She hasn't eaten solid food in over a week,she can't swallow anything including chicken broth.

The nurses and docs equate this to a comatose state. I've basically been saying my goodbyes telling her how much she means to me. I've told her before so if she didn't understand now I used to tell her fairly often. And every day that I loved her. This is causing a lot of misplaced Unreasonable anger,I feel super apathetic and broken. Just devoid of good emotions right .

Also on top of all the grieving for her, I have to worry about getting a job quick and it will be really hard because my particular area in California has the worst job employment in Cali. I've only had one job and as I said had to quit it and take care of her constantly. I have to move out to my own place soon and I want to also go to a trade school. Funds are a huge issue. It's going to be a huge change in careers unless I go into health care.

I have 100s of $ worth of medication that even with insurance costs about 50-70$ per month. I'm still addicted to opiates makes it tough getting into the workforce and I'm already not clean because 5 if my meds were replaced by medical cannabis and that disqualifies me a lot.

Those are just some things I've been able to have my parents cover as payment for taking care of nana. I would've done it even if they didn't pay me but they payed for my meds and a place in the house. Now they don't have to do any of that, they still probably will for a while but right now I'm grieving for her AND a little worried about what to do in life. Until now I have my aspirations and dreams all on hold,now I need to figure out what I want in life.

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Man I don't even know what to say. It hurts seeing you go through this, bud. You're a really, REALLY tremendous dude. I know it's incredibly difficult right now, but rest assured your Grandmother knows 100% exactly how much she meant to your heart & how much you loved her -- and vice versa. I know it's such a cliché, but it's the truth...she's going to be at peace now. No more suffering like she has been during this ordeal.

Don't worry about all the other stuff right now (the job stuff). There will be a time & place for that down the line. Let this situation resolve itself, take some time to gather yourself after it's over and return to some level of normalcy -- and then go from there.

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Thanks Niffla :') you're a pretty great person too and just reassuring me helps more then you can imagine. You are most definitely right she will be at peace and my family believes she is going to heaven to be with my grandpa who died in 2000 from Cancer,so that helps my mom. For me it helps but I'm not sure how much because in the past few years I've been really questioning religion.

You are also correct about the job thing,as much as it freaks me out I have to deal with this and supporting the family

Seriously_trippin said:

So I was with her everyday for 6 years now, we r closer then average gma and grandson. Im very grief stricken but at least she won't be suffering from Alzheimer's anymore. I haven't dealt with the fact that she was terminal basically until a few weeks ago when they confirmed she's going to die. Today they gave her 3 days. I devoted all my teenage years and age 20-21 so I'm so close to her it's going to really hurt me. I haven't dealt with this personal a loss yet in life. I have been diving head first into lots of opiates and furthering my addiction but killing some emotion. Wish me and my family luck/pray for us.

She will be in a better place soon, we do believe that, so no one be a jackass and try and tell me atheist shit right now.

Please shroomy vibes and love

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Seriously_trippin said:

I have been diving head first into lots of opiates and furthering my addiction but killing some emotion.

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