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InvisibleMOTH
Wild Woman
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Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,359
Loc: In the jungle
Something I wrote
    #2676013 - 05/13/04 11:37 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

I'm writing a novel and this is a small excerpt from it.  I wrote this particular part a long time ago, so some of the story has changed since.  I read this forum alot but rarely post, but today I thought I would. 

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The evening was rich and warm with the sweet afterglow of the fading sun as it descended down into the thick blue-baked clouds.  The swirling waters of Kaleen Bay gleamed with the brushing touch of its last lingering rays, and the provocative scent of salt and brine wafted flirtatiously on the calm winds that propelled a particular vessel lazily towards the shore.  Its curled, white sails, flapping greedily to catch a last breath of the air, were being slowly touted upward by skilled sailors eager to return to the nightlife that the city of Kaleese had to offer after so long at sea.  The ship was stretched and elegant as it dipped and danced upon the ticklish black waves of the harbor, as silent and as surreptitious as a night-bird gliding for prey. 

Upon the decks, which were restrained with tight and hushed arrangement, a slender young man who appeared sturdily devoid of expression watched as the dim shore grew nearer still.  His dark locks fluttered softly against the bend of his embroidered shirt collar, and upon his shadowy round cheekbones there bloomed a hint of rose color.  His plush lashes trembled to ward against the tears of joy that would surely flood his almond eyes, and the perceptive twin arches of his mouth parted in an impulsive breath.  The hands that gripped the side of the wooden railing were graceful, with elongated, tapered fingers, but tragically scarred, with narrow ribbons of tissue that stood out upon his fair flesh like a flare.  If he had been given gloves by his captors, he surely would have worn them to conceal the blemishes.  He was ashamed by them. 

?Ralmerth!?  The name was spoken loathingly, not so much an acknowledgement as a command.  The voice, who had whipped his name like a curse to be despaired, was feminine and sickeningly self-impressed.  Ralmerth stood noiselessly as a ghost as the music of the waves sucking and pulling the ship towards blessed freedom, and the fragile wind which whistled teasingly at his ears, were the only motes of sound.  He did not turn immediately, his slim shoulders straightening scrupulously and his head rising higher, like a defiant flag proclaiming his independence.  He was a man of prestige and power in this land.  He need no longer be treated with such disrespect. 

A distinctive pain slamming into his already brittle and broken ribs extinguished the sudden surge of pride he had just had as he gasped for breath and huddled in agony next to the railing.  Through the mist of his ache, he saw the woman responsible loom over him like a demented monster, her hands eagerly gripping the instrument of pain even as a sadistic smile loitered on the curl of her crimson lips.  Recoiling from her terrible beauty, Ralmerth felt his heart seize in the purest hatred for the woman, who he had also come to desire and even love in the years under her cruel whip.  She was as ruthless and without pity as she was breathtaking, to the point where Ralmerth was driven to misery simply to sweep his eyes over her exquisite and merciless form.   

?You?re not yet home,? she snarled at him now, the supple muscle in her dark flesh seeming taut as she slapped her blunt whip against her thigh impatiently.  Her usually sultry eyes seemed like hard and flinty stones as they restlessly perused the waters ahead.  Her lovely features seemed a conflict between elegance and severity and her pallid hair appeared motionless even in the brief wind.  Ralmerth caressed his sore ribs gingerly as he gazed up at her with both revulsion and admiration.  She could have been carved out of the finest marble, his Mistress.  She was power and pain to him, and she had been all that he had known in the Fire Prisons of Lemb for the past eight years. 

She caught him staring at her, and was suddenly brought back to her task at hand, her cruel brows arching in disbelief at his blatant disobedience.  ?On your feet,? she ordered briskly with much self-importance, and when Ralmerth made the briefest hesitation, she brought the blunt end of her whip down harshly upon his back, which ricocheted in suffering at the contact.  Ralmerth grit his teeth and heaved himself upright so that he was once more gripping the railing.  He almost dared to meet her eyes, but that would only incite more of her wrath.  He knew her well enough to realize that something was making her anxious and black-tempered, as she did not often beat him arbitrarily. 

His mistress circled around him at an agitated pace like a fierce tigress, her eyes snapping lavender cinders, indicating her displeasure.  ?What is taking so long?? she murmured underneath her breath as she scanned the murky waters ahead, and Ralmerth was taken aback at this admission.  He could scarcely recall a time where his mistress had permitted a moment of uncertainty to reveal her.  With renewed interest he raised his dark lashes to scour the bay for what she could be searching for...

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That's all I feel comfortable sharing for now.  I'll probably try to get more of my stuff on here sooner or later.  :smile:


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Offlinemanna_man
High onlife.....andcrack

Registered: 06/10/03
Posts: 481
Loc: Vancouver
Last seen: 11 years, 1 month
Re: Something I wrote [Re: MOTH]
    #2678475 - 05/14/04 04:36 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

Nice! Your style is very rich and flowing, and your words paint a very detailed picture for the reader which makes it much more engaging.

Hey Im just curious, how long did it take you to write that passage?
And also, who are some of your influences/ fav writers?


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This post is protected under copyrite law.All above content is strictly the property of ?manna_man.Any infringement of copyright property is strictly prohibited.Any violators will be stretched, shot, and then vaporized into a state of anti-matter, where they will cease to exist.


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InvisibleMOTH
Wild Woman
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Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,359
Loc: In the jungle
Re: Something I wrote [Re: manna_man]
    #2679449 - 05/14/04 08:12 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

manna_man said:
Nice! Your style is very rich and flowing, and your words paint a very detailed picture for the reader which makes it much more engaging.

Hey Im just curious, how long did it take you to write that passage?
And also, who are some of your influences/ fav writers?




I'm really glad you enjoyed it!  :smile:  This is one of the only times I've put my work on the internet, so I'm still a bit shy about shring.  It took me maybe...an hour overall to write, after editing and refining and all for that short bit. 

My favorite writers are:  *Mervyn Peake*, George R.R. Martin, Marion Zimmer Bradley...and some other ones.  Almost anything in the world can influence my righting.  I've gotten inspired by the Simpsons once.  :smile:


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InvisibleKthxBye
bandito furioso

Registered: 04/03/02
Posts: 1,197
Loc: bottom of the noob barrel
Re: Something I wrote [Re: MOTH]
    #2683855 - 05/15/04 10:23 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

Too many adverbs. Sometimes style can be too 'rich'. That being said, it does have moments, and I found myself envisioning the scene. Here's an edit of your first paragraph:

The evening was rich and warm with the sweet glow of the fading sun as it descended into the thick, blue-baked clouds. The swirling waters of Kaleen Bay gleamed with the brushing touch of the last lingering rays. The provocative scent of salt and brine wafted on the calm winds that drove the vessel lazily shoreward. Its curled, white sails, flapping greedily to catch a last breath of air, were being slowly touted upward by skilled sailors eager, after so long at sea, to return to the nightlife that the city of Kaleese had to offer. The ship was long and elegant as it dipped and danced upon the black waves of the harbor. As silent and as surreptitious as the night-bird gliding for her prey.


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I know what he wants: a drag of smooth tobbacco blended with the finest Turkish Turkweed. Here, have a toke on me you dumb beast.


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