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Ponderer... Reged: 11/04/01 Posts: 198 |
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I just wanted to post something, maybe its selfish that I worry too much about things, but after visiting the shroomery often for the last few years, I?ve found it?s a place where people are pretty courteous about giving feedback upon much deeper things than mushroom cultivation. I just want to tell you my problems, and maybe get some feedback from you, since many of us are probably in (or have been) similar boats. I don?t know really where to begin this, and as I write this, like most things, I feel uncertain about it but just mainly need to get it out. Ok I will not drag on. I am a 22 year old college student, a good looking, kind, very well liked person I believe. When I was about 18 I discovered pot, and had just gotten over a deep depression that was not provoked by anything influential, just mainly what I believed to be a chemical imbalance. I come from a wonderful family and have been raised by wonderful parents. Anyway, after I was treated for depression with Paxil (antidepressant) at the time? Anyway, I smoked a lot of pot throughout the last five years, daily, sometimes multiple times. I always could handle it fine and it brought me little paranoia. Now, five years later, I feel like I?ve beaten a lot of my depression (yet I still smoke pot and drink often), I don?t really feel to have to same symptoms as I did when I was diagnosed with it, but I have something going on for sure. I feel like I?ve recently developed a social anxiety disorder, and the odd part is that things like this sort of creep into your life, but now I think something has definitely emerged when I look back on my feelings of the past (such as going outside downtown (where I live) and how it used to not bother me but now does). Anyway, I went off antidepressants for most of this school year, and I felt like I was doing fairly decent. The odd thing is that as this social anxiety thing crept into my life, I was still loving pot but getting way more nervous around people, so I didn?t want to do it as much.. which was good, I thought I was finally getting over it a little, moving on.. Anyway, I have recently gone back on antidepressants, celexa, and I?ve noticed some changes? I?ve only been on it about a week, but I felt a little better, more optimistic minded.. but I get all shaky and shit.. Anyway, for some reason I really feel like I want to smoke a lot of pot.. the Celexa has a sort of stimulant effect, not the classic heart pounding caffeine, coke, amphetamine buzz but more of a bodily feeling.. I feel like I am more self-medicating with pot on it or something? I?ve also been hitting the bars excessively, which also seems as a sort of self-medication since I can?t sleep well on the Celexa, and drinking a lot seems to loosen me up in the social situations. I think I need to get laid, or maybe just some affection from someone. A friend recently told me this, he could see it in my eyes I think. I guess its selfish.. Well if you?ve read this far, thanks, I just need some advice from some of you guys. I am sure at least some of you have been in a similar situation. I know my main problem is my related to my pot use, but I don?t understand how its suddenly seemed much more uptight to me. It does not relax me in the least.. I know paranoia is a big factor, but its increasing seems to seem like there is an underlying anxiety disorder or something.. Also, I don?t feel like I can sum things up. I enjoy writing but writing allows me to go back and change things and tweak them up, and I can?t do this with spoken words.. I?ve almost felt like I want to give up on spoken communication, conversation seems like such a primative form of human relation. When I talk online I find myself saying things, whole sentences, and then erasing them.. and A lot of the things that I say to people I later on feel do not hit the right points.. I know I am creative person, and I guess artists are always trying to ?cease? something, and BS conversation at a bar with some girl seems sort of stupid to me? I want to meet people but my conversations are often dull and sort of trail off.. I don?t feel like I want to make the efforts. Well, sorry for dragging you through all this, I think that its been my pot smoking that contributes to my problems, as I?ve seen on days where I?ve not smoked (which I?ve been doing a lot more recently) that I am much more confident.. yet still very shy.. I feel like I can no longer handle pot outside of my own home.. with people I know well.. but maybe this is a good thing, maybe I can cut down to moderate use and live a fuller life.. maybe I am just moving on.. Oh one more thing ? I feel like I often give off this vibe, like a sort of self fulfilling prophecy that I am giving off a negative vibe and the way I say or do something it?s not touching with how I truly feel, which happens often but much more when high.. Maybe I am too over analytical, I think Ive always thought too much..Anyway, your advice is appreciated.. I guess maybe you don?t have a lot to say, but anything advantageous towards me making some life changes.. Any good books, meditation, helpful drugs, etc. that I could benefit from? Thanks guys
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