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A lazy bastard living in a suit Reged: 06/14/18 Posts: 657 Loc: Between the Devi |
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Hi, Like all my posts seemingly, this will be a long one, as lots of details are needed to convey what I am trying to say. Please bear with me ![]() The friend in question will be creatively named "A" here. I met A about 7 years ago, he was a mutual friend of my then best friend B. A and I got along fine but we weren't that close, and I spent more time with B, however over time the opposite has become true, I hardly talk with B but A is now my best friend, or at least I see him that way. Anyway enough of the background, haha. As soon as I met him, it was evident that A is really into drugs, and he also seemed a bit reckless and "badass" to me at the time, which made him really attractive to me because, although I am equally interested in drugs, I do it in the sort of way your granny might, with a nice dose of painkillers curled up on the sofa watching Frasier, meanwhile A would be staying up partying for days on speed... Our personalities are poles apart, I am introverted, sensitive, careful, moderate in most things, and I like to think I am fairly compassionate, whereas A is very outgoing, completely insensitive and pretty offensive at times, reckless in most things he does, not very moderate, and, I dare say, quite psychopathic; He has openly admitted that he doesn't really care for anyone, even his family or friends. While A has been into drugs for many years, my interest is quite new, so we have become particularly close (or at least I have become close to him) over the last year or two, united in our fascination with drugs, pharmacology, etc. Sometimes we have talked all day, every day, for weeks without ever getting bored. However, things got a bit complex when I realised that I am actually in love with him. It's not really a romantic thing, it's everything else; I want to spend all my time with him, I love every minute of it, and I would do anything for him, absolutely anything. Furthermore there is nothing he could ever do to make me love him any less, that is how I feel about him. I am bi, he is straight, but we often make sexual jokes about each other anyway and I have quite openly told him about my fantasies about him, he seems to find it funny. I have also told him that I love him, many times... But the problem is this; I have been blind to it for a long time, perhaps due to my adoration of him, but I have recently been coming to realize that he doesn't really treat me well, and when I explain politely and reasonably the problems that I am having with our relationship, he just laughs or belittles me by calling me various things such as "impotent", "gay", "emo", etc. The thing is, I don't even mind that he insults me or treats me like his little slave, I'm not offended by these things, but the thing that is really bothering me is that I have zero evidence that he even cares about me, at all. He has recently told me that I have "no willpower", that I can't control my emotions, that I am impotent (in the sense of not being able to take appropriate action), and he laughs at these things even when it is clear I do not appreciate it. Recently we were discussing methamphetamine, and I said that I didn't really like the idea of it due to the neurotoxicity, addictiveness, injection risks, etc, stating that I prefer opiates to stimulants, and his response was: "You worry about brain damage and STDs but you don't worry about missing out" "Have you heard the phrase "it's better to live a day as a lion than a lifetime as a sheep"" (I'm sorry for the lack of structure or clarity to this post, there is just so much to say and it is hard to condense it to a reasonable length) So you might be thinking "so what, he said you are missing out on things, big deal!" But it's more complicated than that, because he knows about my anxiety, depression, lack of friends, self-isolation, etc, and he knows that I realize I am missing out on a lot, and he knows I regret a lot of things in my life, so why does he have to rub it in my face? Recently he also said that he thinks the problems in my life are entirely my fault, even though I admitted I have made a lot of mistakes, but added that my anxiety and depression do not help, he doesn't even accept that. He says I am just lazy and unmotivated and it has nothing to do with any mental issues. These criticisms would not be so bad if he EVER said anything good about me, but he does not, despite all the time I have spent helping him, all the free drugs I've given him, all the times I've told him that he is my best friend, etc, it all seems to mean nothing to him. He has never even called me a friend, actually, he has never reassured me that I matter to him in any way, and he criticises without saying anything good, and without even having a reason to criticise other than seemingly to make me feel bad. Furthermore, I have told him this. I have explained just what I have explained here, and I've said that all I need is one sentence to show that I actually matter, to show me that I haven't wasted 1000s of hours of my life on a relationship that is worthless. But he will not even give me that. In fact, whenever I raise these topics, he directs it back at me, saying I only feel these things because I am too sensitive, because I don't have enough other people in my life, etc. Recently it has gotten worse, or maybe I am just getting more aware of the imbalance of respect in our relationship. He even bosses me around "now go get this for me", etc. I never used to mind this as I thought it was just a joke... I rarely lose my temper or say anything bad to anyone, however after a few of his recent remarks have left me feeling worthless, I have made a few responses along the lines of "Fuck you, A" and I have ignored him for a few days each time because I just can't face his bullshit straight away. He also tries to belittle the issue, so when I raise these problems he will roll his eyes and say it's no big deal, he doesn't even seem to care when I ignore him for a few days. This isn't like me, though. I do not ignore people or treat people like this, but I guess no one's perfect, and I can't expect myself to act like Mother Teresa while he treats me like shit. But in spite of all of this, I can't stay away from him, 90% of the time we talk I feel great and I just love his company, the remaining 10% he makes me feel angry and totally worthless in a way that no one else could. Ordinarily the advice I would give to someone in my situation would be "talk to him about it", but I have tried this many times and been met with frustration. Even in the past, when we have had conflicts based on real things (like me not sending his drugs on time), he refuses to make any effort to resolve it, or compromise, or anything; It's like arguing with a brick wall, the wall always seems to win. I really don't know what to do, I know that I don't want to keep getting treated like this, but I also don't want to lose him, because I would not only be losing him, but all the time I had invested in our relationship over those 7 years. I just wish there were some way to get through to him, to make him at least listen and respond to these problems. There are so many more examples and so much more I could type but I guess I should leave it here... Would really appreciate any advice, would really love to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation as well... Many thanks for reading this, and many thanks even if you just skipped to the end :P -------------------- "Well I've been where you're hanging, I think I can see how you're pinned" - Leonard Cohen "We are led to Believe a Lie When we see not Thro the Eye Which was Born in a Night to perish in a Night When the Soul Slept in Beams of Light" - William Blake
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