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tyrannicalrex
Strange R



Registered: 04/24/03
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CRITICISM 3
#26138086 - 08/16/19 08:02 AM (4 years, 5 months ago) |
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Found an interesting article:
Criticism Is The Toxic Habit That Can Slowly Ruin Your Relationship Kelsey Borresen 5 hrs ago 30 reasons walking is the best exercise GE's CEO bought nearly $2 million of the firm's stock following fraud accusation Habitual criticism can corrode the very foundation of a relationship — and that’s not an overstatement. In fact, criticism is so damaging that relationship researcher John Gottman identified it as one of the top predictors of divorce — though it could spell disaster for nonmarried couples too.
a man and a woman sitting on a couch: Over time, these blaming or judgmental comments can hurt your partner and even destroy the relationship. © BJI / Blue Jean Images via Getty Images Over time, these blaming or judgmental comments can hurt your partner and even destroy the relationship. That said, no one expects you to just roll over and accept all of your partner’s less-than-desirable qualities or behaviors without ever saying a word. Inevitably, you’re going to have complaints from time to time. But how you choose to communicate these grievances to your partner is what matters.
“Criticism is when a complaint is expressed as a character flaw,” Zach Brittle, a Seattle-based couples therapist and host of the podcast “Marriage Therapy Radio,” told HuffPost.
For example, a critical partner might say: “Ugh, you always leave your dirty dishes in the sink. You’re such an inconsiderate slob,” instead of saying, “Hey, I’m feeling overwhelmed by all the dishes piling up in the sink. Can you help me out by cleaning them before I start dinner?”
People often resort to criticism as a form a self-protection, according to relationship coach Kyle Benson. Attacking or blaming our partner is a less vulnerable act than revealing what we really need from them.
“It’s much easier to poke our partner by telling them that they’re the one with the problems, than to drop our shield of criticism and say, ‘My needs are not being met, help me,’” Benson wrote in a blog post.
We asked therapists to explain why criticism can be so destructive to a relationship and how to communicate in a healthier, more productive way instead.
The difference between a complaint and criticism If you want to know if you’re constructively voicing a complaint or just criticizing your partner, consider the language you’re using. Criticism is frequently doled out in the form of “you always” or “you never” statements.
“Healthy feedback is about the behavior and not the person,” said Kurt Smith, a therapist in Roseville, California, who specializes in counseling men. “We can tell our partner what we think or how we feel without criticizing them as an individual.”
So if you’re speaking in absolutes, using harsh words or attacking your partner’s character, it’s probably criticism.
“When our comments include cursing or demeaning labels, it kills any value our message has and makes the feedback pointless,” Smith said. “Criticism is often ignored because of the manner in which the message is delivered.”
How criticism damages relationships a man and a woman sitting on a couch: Criticism can have a number of deleterious effects on a relationship. © PeopleImages via Getty Images Criticism can have a number of deleterious effects on a relationship. Our critical side tends to rear its ugly head during heated moments of stress or frustration, making it a difficult habit to break. But knowing the effect it has on your partner and the bond you share may nudge you to reexamine your ways.
It chips away at your partner’s self-esteem.
As anyone who’s been on the receiving end of criticism knows, these words cut deep. Repeated criticism may shake your partner’s confidence and eventually make them doubt their ability to do things right.
“It can make us question our value and worth, especially when it’s coming from someone who’s supposed to love us,” Smith said. “We can begin to believe that since they care about us, then what they’re saying about us must be true.”
It erodes trust.
“Frequent criticism feels like betrayal,” said Steven Stosny, a psychologist in Washington, D.C. “It violates the implicit promise made in the formation of attachment bonds, that the person you love will care about how you feel and never intentionally hurt you.”
It destroys intimacy.
Over time, criticism widens the emotional distance between you and your partner. The warm, positive feelings you once shared diminish and are replaced by resentment and hostility.
“Most of us don’t take criticism well,” Smith said. “Understandably it doesn’t make us feel good and thus makes us feel less loved and close to our partner.” Criticism is when a complaint is expressed as a character flaw, Zach Brittle, couple therapist feels.
It belittles your partner while making you seem superior.
“Criticism tends to be devaluing, implying that the critical partner is smarter, more skilled, moral or superior in some way,” Stosny said.
It’s not actually effective in getting your partner to change their ways.
Instead of encouraging your S.O. to modify their behavior, criticism triggers defensiveness. When your partner is feeling attacked, their guard goes up, and they’re not in a state to really hear what you’re saying.
Note that when criticism is constant, it may actually be a form of emotional abuse.
An emotionally abusive partner uses tactics like criticism (among a number of others) to exert control in the relationship; they put down their S.O. so that they can maintain the upper hand.
But not everyone who is critical of their partner is an emotional abuser. When you called your partner lazy because they decided to watch TV instead of cleaning the bathroom like they promised, it was probably a misguided attempt at asking for help with household chores — not an effort to demean your partner. We all get overwhelmed or frustrated and resort to criticism at times.
But if you frequently lash out and criticize your partner no matter what they do (for the way they dress, their sex drive, their job, their family and friends or an aspect of their personality like, their sensitivity, for example), then it could be a sign of emotional abuse.
So how should you communicate instead? Telling someone to “just stop being critical” is easier said than done. Here’s how you can more lovingly and effectively express yourself in a relationship, according to therapists.
Focus on what you want from your partner, instead of what you don’t want.
As they say: You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Be respectful with your requests. Rather than accusing your partner of being careless for not staying on top of the bills, Stosny offered this alternative: “Honey, I’m a little worried about the bills. Could we sit down and go over what we have coming in and how much has to go out? I know you’re busy, what’s a good time for you?”
Use a “soft startup.”
With this Gottman-approved technique, you open up the discussion about what’s bothering you using the phrasing: “I feel _____ about ____, and I need ____.”
“It’s important to put an actual feeling in the first blank. Avoid, ‘I feel like’ and ‘I feel like you’ — neither of which are helpful,” Brittle said.
Think of how you would make a behavior request to someone you admire and respect. That’s how you should make behavior requests of your partner said Steven Stosny, psychologist.
Try an “I wish” statement.
Instead of saying, “You’re so unhelpful — you never pick the kids up from soccer,” try saying, “I wish you would help lighten my load by picking the kids up from practice a couple nights a week.”
“Your criticism is a wish disguised,” Brittle wrote in a blog post. “It’s a negative expression of a real need. What if you took responsibility for what you really desire for the relationship? What if you owned the wish and committed to articulating it as a positive hope?”
Advice for both partners If you’re the criticizer in the relationship, know that most critical people are often self-critical too. You may not even realize how critical you seem to your partner because you’re so accustomed to talking to yourself that way.
“Do you automatically say something critical to yourself when you make a mistake or drop something like, ‘Idiot, there you go again, you always screw up’?” Stosny said.
Sound familiar? Try this exercise Stosny suggested: Write down a few of the critical statements you’ve made to your partner and read them into your phone. Then play back the recording and see how it sounds from another perspective — you might be surprised.
“And finally, think of how you would make a behavior request to someone you admire and respect,” Stosny added. “That’s how you should make behavior requests of your partner.”
If you’re the criticized, it’s understandable that your partner’s harsh words affect you. You don’t need to minimize your hurt feelings — you’re justified in being upset, Smith said.
When you feel attacked, it may be tempting to punch back by criticizing your partner for something they did. But try not to stoop to their level.
“Don’t react in kind or betray your nature by becoming critical yourself,” Stosny said. “Regard your partner’s criticism as his or her lack of self-regulation skill.”
Though this may not be easy in the heat of the moment, after you’ve been criticized, take a breath before that defensive wall goes up. You may be able to figure out what veiled request your partner is making with their criticism.
“If you can delay your defensive response, ask your partner what they’re asking for,” Brittle said. “The quicker you get to their ask, the quicker you can get to relationship repair.”
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Morel Guy
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Hard to adapt that to online. In real life, in person I am good at keeping my mouth shut. Yet I notice females are very bad at this. Seems they believe their super power is criticism.
-------------------- "in sterquiliniis invenitur in stercore invenitur" In filth it will be found in dung it will be found
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bloodsheen
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As wise as this article is, I doubt a single person who read it will actually apply it to their own life in the areas needed most. Or even worse, people will say what Morel Guy just said and ironically use this a means of criticising their partners use of criticism. It's not the same as eating an apple instead of a bag of chips. This kind of life change probably requires therapy, both personal and couple's.
Doesn't invalidate it. Just saying, it's kinda like telling someone to stop laughing at jokes or stop enjoying a certain sexual position. It's like one step away from being part of who you are as a person
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A cautious young fellow named Lodge / Had seat belts installed in his Dodge. / When his date was strapped in / He committed a sin / Without even leaving the garage. That's clever, isn't it?-A boy and his dog
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living_failure
unworthy



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It sound's like manipulation to me.
If you think your partner is a shitty human being because "he never suprises you" or "she dont know how to cook" or "He is always tired". Just tell them the truth, that you think less of them because those reasons, because thats honest.
Using kind words when you have a BAD OPINION about other person, is gonna make things WORSE.
Negative criticism (because criticism in itself, is neutral) often comes with lack of respect for the other. And that is the issue.
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Morel Guy
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Lack of respect for another 9 out of 10 times is due to lack of respect for yourself.
-------------------- "in sterquiliniis invenitur in stercore invenitur" In filth it will be found in dung it will be found
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CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


Registered: 12/10/11
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Quote:
Morel Guy said: Hard to adapt that to online. In real life, in person I am good at keeping my mouth shut. Yet I notice females are very bad at this. Seems they believe their super power is criticism.
1. Women are perhaps the biggest victims of media and cultural suggestions on relationships. Yet incels exist. Even some me who aren't incels feel a little cheated that they can't just wave their penis around and get a perfect woman.
2. Most women do have maternal instincts. The drive to better people, to help them learn, to help them grow.
But
We are also a culture that forces people to operate on a level that avoids any amount of depth (except maybe in the rare moment where approaching orgasm.) By the time most adults settle down in a relationship they're habituated with expression and acknowledging their feelings in shallow less impactful ways. Often when a woman is criticizing a man she is really saying "how could you have such a fundamental lack of understanding about feelings?" And most men are trained to put off repress and ignore their feelings so by that point no they don't understand and often get mad or call or crazy for not repressing her feelings like he does.
It's a shit show. It's our culture.
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Free time is the only time
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bloodsheen
ChemChaplin



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That's got some hints of misandry. You are basically saying women are inherently superior and society is the reason men are so inferior. If a woman can't express what she actually means when she criticizes, it is not a man's responsibility to figure it out. Nor is it inherently good to be super emotional about things, sometimes a man's colder approach is what is needed in some situations. Or even just being calm and not over-reacting.
It's why men and women work so well together. Yin and yang. I think it's situational which is better. But criticizing isn't attractive or particularly useful for either gender
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A cautious young fellow named Lodge / Had seat belts installed in his Dodge. / When his date was strapped in / He committed a sin / Without even leaving the garage. That's clever, isn't it?-A boy and his dog
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Morel Guy
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Lol, woman are harsh. They project a lot more self loathing in my experience. Suppose men do as well, yet I've mostly known woman to be abusive.
-------------------- "in sterquiliniis invenitur in stercore invenitur" In filth it will be found in dung it will be found
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CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,146
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Quote:
bloodsheen said: That's got some hints of misandry. You are basically saying women are inherently superior and society is the reason men are so inferior. If a woman can't express what she actually means when she criticizes, it is not a man's responsibility to figure it out. Nor is it inherently good to be super emotional about things, sometimes a man's colder approach is what is needed in some situations. Or even just being calm and not over-reacting.
It's why men and women work so well together. Yin and yang. I think it's situational which is better. But criticizing isn't attractive or particularly useful for either gender
Uhh... what makes you think I believe that is in any way a good thing?
I'm not saying it's right that many women do this but... they do. And they often haven't thought it all the way through to understand the logic of "well I can't really expect him to understand if I don't explain it understand it well enough myself."
Sometimes it is even "he doesn't love me if he can't understand my feelings." aka read my mind.
It's mutual communication problems most times and that is because as a society we do not generally talk about our feelings. We don't analyze them. We don't try to solve them. We just try to bend the world into making our feelings better.
I've been in a lot more relationships with women than I have men, experienced this problem a lot more than the stoneface problem. Tbh I was half expecting to be accused of being misogynistic because I make it sound like all women are crazy bitches.
We're not... as a whole, men and women both, we're generally shit at expressing our feelings. And accepting that expression of feelings.
And because we are a little different, certain levels of feeling is allowable in general interactions with society, it comes out in different ways.
Quote:
Morel Guy said: Lol, woman are harsh. They project a lot more self loathing in my experience. Suppose men do as well, yet I've mostly known woman to be abusive.
"I hate you" is more socially acceptable than "I hate me." for women. Opposite is probably true for men but, again, they're expected to repress it.
Until they kill themselves.
And then we get to talk about how guns should be illegal.
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Free time is the only time
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Morel Guy
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They don't usually say they hate you. They express their own shortcomings in ways like cheating or blaming the victim. They tend to be very critical, overly critical of themselves and everyone else. It's frankly a littlle bit sad and very disturbing.
-------------------- "in sterquiliniis invenitur in stercore invenitur" In filth it will be found in dung it will be found
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CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


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I meant it more as a way of expression rather than a literal phrase.
You're getting a little too specific. You're talking about abuse. Most women are not emotionally abusive.
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Free time is the only time
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Morel Guy
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Never been to the midwest? Some crazy ladies fed on corn.
-------------------- "in sterquiliniis invenitur in stercore invenitur" In filth it will be found in dung it will be found
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bloodsheen
ChemChaplin



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I KNOW you ain't badmouthing corn!!
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A cautious young fellow named Lodge / Had seat belts installed in his Dodge. / When his date was strapped in / He committed a sin / Without even leaving the garage. That's clever, isn't it?-A boy and his dog
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Morel Guy
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Corn makes horrendous beer.
-------------------- "in sterquiliniis invenitur in stercore invenitur" In filth it will be found in dung it will be found
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Darwin23
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If this resonates with you, I would highly suggest reading "The Relationship Cure". It looks at everything scientifically (actual clinical studies and all). It says there are three main modes of response. Sarcastic, critical, confrontational responses are negatives but they still imply a desire for connection, on some level. Dismissive, distracted or no responses signal the imminent death of a relationship.
Finally, the positives are engaged, attentive or spontaneous. I think sprinkling those in is even more beneficial than cutting out the confrontational negative responses
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tyrannicalrex
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I did find it interesting and it seemed like the way my past relationships have been most of the time. I am in a really good one now, best ever in fact. I just thought this would be a good subject and I was right, look at the responses! Thank you for the suggestions.
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Morel Guy
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If someone is criticizing they may be very well projecting their own feelings of failure. Projection can be a terrible thing.
-------------------- "in sterquiliniis invenitur in stercore invenitur" In filth it will be found in dung it will be found
Edited by Morel Guy (08/19/19 08:28 AM)
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FiddyYearsDark
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In any relationship, you just have to let some things (probably most things) slide. If you criticize the other person endlessly, you're destroying the relationship. Just chill.
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LogicaL Chaos
Ascension Energy & Alien UFOs




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I recently ended my relationship because my now ex-GF was so judgemental of me. Constantly saying sly, hurtful, passive remarks just because she loves to put me down and judge other people on their flaws. I had enough of her insults so i ended the relationship. It feels a lot like verbal abuse when u hear it over and over. It sucks.
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tyrannicalrex
Strange R



Registered: 04/24/03
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Yep, my ex was like that too. I could never do or be anything good enough because when I would do things the way they wanted me too it was always something else more.
"If you want to go out after work, just call me let me know. You don't have to just go out without calling and letting me know where you are. I get worried about you!"
Me calling a few nights later to go out: "Hey, I'm heading out for some beers and to play pool with some people from work."
Him: "why do you always have to go out after work!?" "Why don't you just come home?"
FUCKER!
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