|
Some of these posts are very old and might contain outdated information. You may wish to search for newer posts instead.
|
SpikeXena
Stranger

Registered: 01/27/18
Posts: 68
Last seen: 4 years, 8 months
|
I had something come up in my trip today, past sexual trauma or just negative loop?
#25498373 - 09/29/18 02:54 PM (5 years, 3 months ago) |
|
|
I was having an intense trip with the John Hopkins playlist going, I think it was Gorecki playing at the time when all of a sudden I got it in my head that my dad molested me. There wasn't any visualization or memory replayed that I can recall but it was like my brain put it into place and it kept looping, I have had paruresis all my life not being able to use urinals, pooping in public etc. I have never really liked being touched unless it was with a girl I was interested in, I don't like hugs even from my own family, I tolerate them but always feel weird when have to hug them. I can remember being very young maybe 5-6 at the most and turning over on my side when I heard my parents coming up the steps to kiss me goodnight so they could only kiss the top of my head instead of my lips like they would do if my face was up. I (and this is hard to say) would try to talk my brother when we were little into sticking fingers up each other's butts, I don't know why, maybe I just thought it would feel good? I never brought up anything related to our dicks but I had some weird thing with fingers in the butt although I was on heavy antibiotics numerous times as a baby and a child so maybe that cause pinworms or something. I remember the one year I did wrestling, it was I think 1st or 2nd grade I enjoyed being pinned because someone was on top of me.
Anyways I'm rambling at this point, my brain did show the paruresis and not liking being touched and almost flat out showed a puzzle piece locking into place and telling me this is why you are the way you are. I panicked thinking no my dad couldn't do that and if he did I must have been VERY young as I (losing it as I get older though) had a very good memory even going as far back as my parents talking to me about me becoming a brother and I was 3 at that time. My dad never told me this but my mom said something happened to him when he was around kindergarten and an older boy but I never dared ask him. I also have talked to him about when I was a child and why we hadn't visited certain parts of the family, he and my mom talked about keeping us away from them because they had touched people in the past so they never left us alone with them and kept a close eye.
It just doesn't make any sense to me even though it would explain a lot about why I am the way I am, but my parents are still together to this day and while I don't have a super close relationship with my dad I do hang out with him.
One other thing that came up in my trip was a man at a campground we used to go to when I was 4 until maybe 9. It was always this man and the bathrooms which were closed off in the middle of the campgrounds. I have thought about this man before and bathroom as a fleeting thought once in a great while over the years but I can't imagine any face or what happened. Even before this trip I had suspected something had happened to me there that cause my bathroom issues, I remember around that time my father still teaching me to use the urinals and not drop my pants to my ankles when I used the urinals. That was pretty much the first place where I would use the bathroom alone without a parent or babysitter waiting for me right outside. Then something about a man and I've used stalls almost exclusively ever since.
What do you guys think?
|
LuzaW
Um, yeah


Registered: 11/10/15
Posts: 610
Loc: Southeast USA
Last seen: 8 months, 20 days
|
Re: I had something come up in my trip today, past sexual trauma or just negative loop? [Re: SpikeXena]
#25498864 - 09/29/18 06:06 PM (5 years, 3 months ago) |
|
|
i think this is worth exploring further with a good counselor
have you ever had serious girlfriends? are you able to comfortably have sexual relations with girls you like?
|
gizmodo
Woodland Creature




Registered: 06/21/18
Posts: 2,064
Loc: Behind You
Last seen: 2 years, 8 months
|
Re: I had something come up in my trip today, past sexual trauma or just negative loop? [Re: LuzaW]
#25498920 - 09/29/18 06:26 PM (5 years, 3 months ago) |
|
|
Quote:
LuzaW said: i think this is worth exploring further with a good counselor
-------------------- One must be mindful to maintain their balance on the slippery earth. Bod's Comprehensive Agar Resource Gizmodo's Market Stall Say No To Grow Kits
|
SpikeXena
Stranger

Registered: 01/27/18
Posts: 68
Last seen: 4 years, 8 months
|
Re: I had something come up in my trip today, past sexual trauma or just negative loop? [Re: LuzaW]
#25498966 - 09/29/18 06:43 PM (5 years, 3 months ago) |
|
|
Yes I used to be married, had a gf in high school, and dated after my divorce. I have always has issues with erections but that was due more to anxiety. I got on Cialis in my early 20's because of it and it's helped me greatly. I have no problems having sex, I don't dissasociate or have any weird hangups. One ex had some pretty rough fetishes and I had no problem doing them for her.
Maybe it was someone exposing themselves to me in that bathroom at the campgrounds and not touching me in anyway but that doesn't explain why I don't like being touched by anyone but a woman I'm involved with. I've never really had any suicidal thoughts at any point in my life either, but I did tend to dissasociate a ton in school, even at my job in high school I would look at something and completely zone out thinking about other things until someone would ask me wtf my deal was.
I don't know I might be trying to attach every suspect thing in my life to what my trip told me today.
|
gizmodo
Woodland Creature




Registered: 06/21/18
Posts: 2,064
Loc: Behind You
Last seen: 2 years, 8 months
|
Re: I had something come up in my trip today, past sexual trauma or just negative loop? [Re: SpikeXena]
#25498970 - 09/29/18 06:45 PM (5 years, 3 months ago) |
|
|
Well if it was today wait a little while and go over your thoughts about what you experienced again. If you still feel the same way maybe a counselor will help.
-------------------- One must be mindful to maintain their balance on the slippery earth. Bod's Comprehensive Agar Resource Gizmodo's Market Stall Say No To Grow Kits
Edited by gizmodo (09/29/18 06:45 PM)
|
SpikeXena
Stranger

Registered: 01/27/18
Posts: 68
Last seen: 4 years, 8 months
|
Re: I had something come up in my trip today, past sexual trauma or just negative loop? [Re: gizmodo]
#25500511 - 09/30/18 11:11 AM (5 years, 3 months ago) |
|
|
It just doesn't make sense how it could have been my dad as I have never been scared to use the bathroom at their place and my family are the only ones I could have waiting on me to use a public bathroom without me getting nervous. I asked my dad if he knew of anything that had ever happened to me when I was a kid and told him I had been having flashbacks of getting molested/abused and how my brain connected it to how I had problems using the bathroom and not liking being touched. He said the only people they ever left me alone with were babysitters and that he and my mom would have gotten me into counseling if they knew. The last thing he texted me was to let him know if I figure anything out and that I can tell him, this was after he asked me if I knew who or where, what age etc and I just told all him all I know is that it was a guy.
I got that look about it being him but almost right after that guy and the campground bathroom popped up, and the more I think about it the more I want to believe the man was the one who did it. Maybe it's just because I don't want to believe it was my dad but also that campground bathroom would make a ton of more sense. My dad had whatever happened to him but I would have felt more nervous around him growing up, I always preferred him over my mom even though he was more stoic. We've never really being the type to even hug or sit closely together etc so I know for a fact there was no type of grooming.
But that campground....why would I remember it all these years later? Over the years once in a great while I would have a fleeting thought about it, I loved being at that campground but why do I have such a vivid memory of the bathroom of all places? Why have I associated a man with that bathroom and why can I remember still getting used to standing up at a urinal as a boy and using stalls almost exclusively ever since?
|
openmind
curious


Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 13,864
|
Re: I had something come up in my trip today, past sexual trauma or just negative loop? [Re: LuzaW]
#25501385 - 09/30/18 04:02 PM (5 years, 3 months ago) |
|
|
Quote:
LuzaW said: i think this is worth exploring further with a good counselor
^ This
Also...Keep in mind....not everything that arises, not everything that you think about during a trip is necessarily true or real....
....but it does seem some things buried in your psyche may have bubbled up to the surface.
-OM
.
--------------------
|
|